Jonah Hill [after the group inventories the remaining food]
Um, can I have that Milky Way?
No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.
It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.
Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a **** Milky Way.
Jonah Hill Guys.
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.
[To Craig]
I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.
I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.
I'll cut that shit off and make a headband.
You couldn't handle my midriff.
Jonah Hill Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.
Jonah Hill No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.
Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?
One finger scoop of Nutella.
Jonah Hill Fair.
EW Emma Watson
[Holding an axe]
Back the **** up!
EW Emma Watson
What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.
A All
No! No, no, no, no!
I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!
EW Emma Watson
BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]
Jonah Hill It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...
EW Emma Watson
GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!
There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!
EW Emma Watson
I'M NOT **** AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]
GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]
PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!
EW Emma Watson
HURRY THE **** UP!
Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!
Don't give the Milky Way away!
[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]
Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!
[to Danny]
I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]
Hermione just stole all of our shit.
Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.
Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.
I didn't... I was just... I...
I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about **** two minutes away from becoming the house bitch himself.
So now, um, mother****ers is thirsty.
Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
You cannot have another glass of water.
Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
[mimicking Jonah]
"I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
[aims his revolver at Danny]
GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
That's what I thought. Nerd.
[discussing the apocalypse]
This shit's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who **** saw that coming that there's actually a God?
I-I'd say 95% of the planet.
You might wanna stay away from saying that.
[Jay does the Holy Cross]
Why? Why can't I say that?
One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.
Jesus, God. It's all the same.
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.
I don't even know what the **** Commandments are.
Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.
We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!
Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.
It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.
Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.
You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.
[whispering]
I think God might've just **** up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of shit on his plate!
It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.
I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.
Well I was a kid, man, it was a ****in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I ****in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...
And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, **** it. And I went for the second one.
It was **** up, but you know what? That shit happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.
I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I **** Lindsay Lohan. She was **** up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.
She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.
Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".
See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad shit, you know? We've done more bad shit than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.
[the power suddenly goes out]
Whoa.
Oh, shit! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.
Jonah Hill [growling]
You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.
[worried about Jonah, whispering]
Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.
I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]
[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house]
We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.
[correcting Seth]
127 Hours.
Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.
Old faithful. [picks up the gun]
Thing’s real. No, I kept this from the movie.
This is an actual revolver.
Franco, that’s very uncomfortable. Could you put that thing down, please?
Jonah Hill Love it.
Awesome. Can you just put the gun away?
Always keep my props. I know how to handle it.
Jonah Hill He knows what he’s doing. I like this bit. I like it. I get it. Let me see.
Jonah Hill Let me see it like that.
[James tosses the gun to Jonah]
Goddamn!
Come on, guys! You could kill…
Jonah Hill [pretends to shoot it]
Bang, bang!
Jonah Hill Bang, bang, bang! You’re dead!
I hope you’re **** happy.
Jonah Hill Pow, pow, pow!
Stop- Guys, stop **** with the gun!
Jonah Hill Pow! Pow! Bang!
It’s a real gun! It’s so funny. It’s so funny.
Jonah Hill Guys, it’s funny.
It’s not funny! We’re getting sidetracked.
Jonah Hill I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll just kill myself.
Jonah Hill I don’t know! I don’t know! [puts the gun in his mouth]
Hey, come on! Come on, no, don’t! Jesus!
Would you put the thing down?!
Jonah Hill The whole… I’m trying to have some fun, man. Look, just because a bunch of people fell into a hole outside doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. We’re a bunch of best friends hanging out. It’s like a sleepover.
[while James Franco sees Danny McBride eating all the food supplies]
Franco! Good morning, sunshine!
Guys, guys, wake up! Danny’s alive! He’s eating all the **** food!
Jonah Hill [they rush over to Danny]
Danny!
No, it’s cool, man. I **** made this for you guys!
Don’t eat another piece of bacon!
Guys just chill the **** out, okay? I’m sure the Green Goblin can **** afford some more bacon.
Dude, that shit’s supposed to last us ‘till we get rescued!
Wait a second. I know what happened. You guys dropped acid, didn’t you? Mm-hmm. Craig doesn’t have any pants on. He got **** wild, probably danced and sweated all over the place. You got white shit all over your mouth, Franco. You probably sucked somebody’s dick. Jonah over here probably washed and jerked off. Jay, I didn’t even know you were in town. Good to see you.
Danny, we’re not on acid! We didn’t suck each other’s dicks!
James Franco didn’t suck any dick last night? Now I know you all are tripping.
Do you actually not know what happened last night?
Jonah Hill Daniel, you may want to stay seated for a second. Some really messed up stuff happened, and there were a lot of fatalities.
Oh, really? You’re putting your serious voice on, Jonah? Okay tell me about these "fatalities."
Dude, Segel’s dead, Krumholtz is dead, Michael Cera’s dead.
Guess if Michael Cera’s gone, it’s not a total loss, huh? [laughing]
It’s not funny, man. It’s really not funny.
Seth, that’s a better performance than you’ve given in your last six movies. Where the **** was that in Green Hornet, huh? Jonah, you’re **** sucking balls. You’re an Academy award nominated person. You need to be **** selling that shit, dude. "Fatalities, there were some fatalities."
Jonah Hill Fatalities.
Okay, now that was good. That was good.
Does it seem like we’re **** joking?
[while having dinner at a table]
Earthquakes cause tsunamis.
Tsunamis cause other tsunamis, disaster.
I mean for all we know, the **** Lakers could’ve just won and that’s the reason why all this is happening.
Hole in Franco’s front yard? Sinkhole. Every single time I turn on the news, sinkhole in South America, bunch of South Americans getting sucked into the ground.
Jonah Hill Sinkhole de Mayo.
Sinkhole de Mayo. That’s why it’s named that, because sinkholes happen in the summertime.
It’s not wildfires, it’s not earthquakes, it’s not sinkholes. I think I know what it is.
I think it’s the Apocalypse.
I’m serious, boys. [holds up a Bible] It’s all here, in the book of Revelations.
Well, just hear me out, and you tell me that what I’m describing isn’t what’s going on right now. [starts reading the Bible] “And the skies shall open up and the light of the Lord shall shine down and those of good heart shall be brought into my kingdom of heaven.” That’s the Rapture, those are the gigantic beams of blue light. “And there will be a great mountain burning in fire.” I mean the Hollywood Hills are literally engulfed in flames as we sit here right now.
The Hollywood Hills ain’t no mountain, it’s a hill. Takes about 10 minutes to get across that mother****er with no traffic.
Jonah Hill Cahuegna.
I usually cup down Barham.
Boys, can I just fricking finish?
[continues reading]
“And out of the pit rose a great red dragon having seven heads, that old serpent called the devil and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world, was released onto the Earth.”
I love that dude. He’s from Where the Wild Things Are.
You wanna know something else, Jay? If this is the end of the world and all the good people died, what you’re saying is, Seth, me, Jonah, Craig and Danny are a bunch of assholes.
I’m straight-up lovable, son.
And if this is really the Apocalypse, you’re here too. So that means you’re just as shitty as the rest of us. Doesn’t feel too good, does it?
