[Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.]
Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
[Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.]
Uh-oh.
[The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out in the direction of the two.] [ducks]
Look out!
[But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifted the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.]
Donkey! Are you OK?
I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
O1 Ogre #1
Watch your head.
O2 Ogre #2
[He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.]
Hey, it's a new guy!
O3 Ogre #3
Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
He's really tiny, isn’t he?
[Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.]
Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
O3 Ogre #3
[The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.]
Let's go, greenie.
Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
[An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witches' clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy and brawled with it. Shrek]
Welcome to the resistance.
[puts arm around Shrek]
We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
[about soldiers using their horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
I'll take him! This order's to go.
Cookie Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Cookie Don't make Papa mad.
Your dinner is my friend!
Cookie I got to get the giblets out!
O Ogres
She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
[happily]
Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
[Fiona kicks him in the jaw and sends him flying, yelling in slow motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced, while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.] [walked up to him, handing her axe to Gretched.]
Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
[Shrek looked very worried at her] [confused]
You don't know who I am, do you?
No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
[to Gretched]
Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
[turns on Shrek, annoyed]
What is it?!
[calmly]
OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
[The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.] [pleading]
Fiona, I need to...
[But Fiona held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.]
Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
[grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.]
Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
[Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were.] [to Shrek]
That's your wife?
Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]
[Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who were untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the tree. Fiona has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything.]
Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself.
O Ogres
He’s never done that before. What? Why?
I bet that’s because of us.
If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable.
The plan’s simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. And then we attack!
[She raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table.]
And when the smoke clears... [noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon.] Wait, what’s this?
Cookie That’s my chimichanga stand.
No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that.
Cookie Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? Go ahead and finish your little speech.
All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone, and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.
Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.
[The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned.]
Man, this is serious!
[slumps back]
Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?
Actually, I was talking about the revolution.
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you are her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
[sarcastically]
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
You saw what happened; she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [not listening] I'm a daddy?!
[spots the frog]
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... [blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] Then I can do it again.
[Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, geese don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush, and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head.]
Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. [to the Three Pigs] All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. [Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odours. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.]
H Horst
[whines]
This little piggy wants to go home! [pigs gone]
G Griselda
[came running in]
Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.
Rumpelstiltskin [sat back on his throne with a couple of other witches at his side.] Nice. [The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carry him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was, in fact, the Pied Piper.]
Pied Piper. How was your commute? [Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes.]
G Griselda
[scoffs]
You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, [motions flute playing] flute those ogres a lullaby? [She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.] OK, got it! Make it stop! [Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit before the dictator got up, waving his arms.]
All right, that’s enough. [With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. he gave an evil look.] Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. [The witches still stood where they were.] Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my chequebook! [The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient he kicked her rear.] Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! [The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Cut into the ???]
Cookie ??? [???]
[Inside the castle, the citizens came with their prisoners, and none of them was Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it.]
Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! [saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.] That's not even an ogre; it is a troll! Nice try. [sees that Wolf was wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.] And that...
...is just sad. [spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.] And what is that supposed to be?
G Geppetto
I'm just a frightened old man.
Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
That is your father painted green.
No, it's Shrek! Honest! [his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making Rumpelstiltskin shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.]
Oh! Aye! Ow! [to a witch] Take them away! [Witch takes Pinocchio and Geppetto away. Rumpelstiltskin went to his table, frustrated] Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! [angrily pounded on the table in frustration] I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! [Then the door of the throne room slammed open]
[offscreen]
Stiltskin! [Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle] I hear you're looking for me.
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
[took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand]
I do.
If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. [He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped it in the magic ink jar] That means you have to give me anything I want.
[leaped onto the table, stopped Shrek signing it]
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimics walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
I'm not here to get my life back.
[with a glare]
Then what do you want?
[Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss waited when all the ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, and dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way.]
The ogres, they're all free.
[They all went up to the gates, knowed Shrek was still inside.] [Long pause]
This is not good.
[Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him.]
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. [The witches trying to shackles Shrek with chains]
All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]
[Shrek and Fiona rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement]
Stiltstkin, we have a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
[uncaring tone]
Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, [slyly] is she? [He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.] By day, one way; by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha-ha! [He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph and more triumphantly] Nobody's smart but me! [He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn, sad look]
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
[sullenly]
No, you were right. I wasn't there for you, and I'm not just at the dragon's keep, but... every day since.
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now. [Long pause; Shrek grins at Princess Fiona]
[Outside the castle]
Let go of me; I have to save Shrek!
[angry]
DON'T BE A FOOL, MULE!
She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
Cookie And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
PW Palace Witch #1
Hey! [The ogres, Donkey and Puss looks up at the two witches.] We can hear you!
Sorry! [Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.]
We must get into the palace.
Man, Shrek and I just busted out of that place!
[looks at a shield's reflection, confidently.]
The same way we're gonna bust in.
