Where's Fiona's signal?
What she waiting for?
He's going to get away!
No, He's not.
Shrek
Mike Myers · 25 quotes
Donkey
Eddie Murphy · 13 quotes
Princess Fiona
Cameron Diaz · 10 quotes
Puss in Boots
Antonio Banderas · 8 quotes
Rumpelstiltskin
Walt Dohrn · 8 quotes
Cookie
Craig Robinson · 5 quotes
Pinocchio
Cody Cameron · 4 quotes
Stiltskin
4 quotes
Butterpants
3 quotes
Gretched
Jane Lynch · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Shrek & Donkey (13), Shrek & Princess Fiona (10), Shrek & Puss in Boots (8)
Shrek Forever After quotes
Page 1 of 3Donkey, shh. [enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight, with a pink bow wrapped around the back of his neck] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
[Puss lowers down on the scratching post, slowly, then lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek]
Feed me, if you dare.
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa- [as he goes to say "fat", Puss gives him a look] Fancy!
Do I know you?
Well, where is your hat and your belt? [gasps softly] And your wee little boots?
Boots, for a cat? [laughs]
But you're Puss in Boots.
Maybe once. [opens a bottle of milk] But that is a name I have outgrown.
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] ...Eh, I'll get him later. [starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona...
What... [notices Fiona behind him turns around] Hey!
Can I help you with something?
Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.
A gift basket?
You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. [He then got out each different gift from the basket.] Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. [sniff] Mmm.
Look, this really isn’t the…
What’s this? [holds out a homemade coupon book] Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. [came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.] "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. [but Fiona stops him]
Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful.
Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. [holds out hand] No hard feelings? [Fiona decided to shake his hand.] An apologetic hug? [The two hugged.] And a quick kiss goodbye. [Fiona quickly stopped him by stomping his foot then grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back in pain, forcing him to leave.] Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? [Fiona pushed him thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.]
Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?
Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?
Don’t be silly. [then got out a comb and crush.] Now who’s a pretty kitty?
[running]
Just take my wallet! I'M BEING ASS-NAAAAAAPPED!!! [Shrek tackles Donkey] HELP! ANIMAL CRUELTY! HELP!
I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good! [uncovers Donkey's mouth] I'm gonna let go.... right.... now.
Donkey! You got to trust me.
Why should I trust YOU!?
Because... Because.... [sighs] OK. [singing] Winter, spring, summer, fall, all you got to do is call... And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah... You've got a friend.
[Donkey looks up at Shrek and smiles at him, but then runs away screaming]
FINE! GO AHEAD, RUN AWAY, WHO NEEDS YOU?!
[Shrek then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise: Felicia's ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he would never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down.] [off-screen]
I’ve never seen an ogre cry.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, [sobbing] or a little baby grandma kitten. That is so darn sad.
I said I’m not crying!
[recovers]
Hey, take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset?
I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have.
Oh, you signed up for one of them timeshares, huh?
No. [pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract] I signed this.
Yeah, I got that.
His fine print is crafty.
I know.
His exit clauses are sneaky.
Yeah, I...What did you say?
I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is.
Donkey, I’ve read the fine print, and there’s nothing about an exit clause in here.
Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. [grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper.] I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygenic foldability skills.
What are you doing?
Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. [Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding.] OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. [Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to form letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded-up paper to the ogre.] There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " [Shrek only gave a confused look.] ...Now, who’s Lou?
Give me that! [snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the real words of the exit clause, which says...] "True Love’s Kiss."
Hey, boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.
[rolls eyes]
"According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! [picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling.] Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back!
Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know.
You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last?
The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. [His eyes widened in realization.] Oh, no.
Victory is ours!
[All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end, when the tops of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarrassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arms, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him.]
Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
[When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other.]
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
You have no idea.
[The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell.]
Shrek?
[She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand] [?]
His day is up! His day is... [Cookie restrains Rumpel]
It's all right. [Donkey, Puss, and the other ogres watch sadly]
There has to be something I can do.
You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family.
You have kids?
We have kids. Fergus, Farkle, and a little girl named Felicia.
Felicia. I've always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia.
[last words]
And someday... [The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter.] You will. [He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him.] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. [Tears began to form in Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hourglass emptied, and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that soon dispersed. As Fiona held him, it seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice.]
Fiona.. The sunrise. You're still... an ogre.
The kiss worked.
[Suddenly, the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle. All bricks, shingles and other materials of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado.] [shocked]
What?!
[Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well.]
Fifi!
[Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disintegrating.] [lastly words in the golden tornadoes]
No! No, no, no, no, no! No, not yet! No, I'm not ready! No! Wait! [Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him.]
Donkey! [as Donkey opens his real eyes] I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona. I need your help.
I know everything about you; I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode.
Big deal.
I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the I.
So what?
I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower. But most importantly, Fiona. I know that the reason that you turn human every day, is because you've never been kissed. Well, by me.
If she thinks I'm going to slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre, and I'm not gonna apologize for actin' like one.
[from the distance]
Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma, is that you?
Yeah, it's me, Granny.
AN OGRE! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me!
I’m not gonna eat you.
But you are an ogre. [peeks out] Aren't you?
Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed.
So, you're not gonna eat me?
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going?
Nowhere.
[grins]
What a coincidence! I was just headin' that way myself. But seriously, let me give ya a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me. I got a hot rat cookin'. All right! So, can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration, huh? Eyeball-tini?
Well, maybe just one.
Sure is great to be wanted again. [sees another poster] Oh, nice one.
[Then, when he saw one more wanted poster, there was something different about the others that made his smile falter. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look.]
Fiona?
[He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned to them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder.]
Oh no.
[He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows.]
My home. [runs to it] Fiona! [However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it.] Fiona! Are you in there?!
[He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole through which he fell in. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that, but it was devoid of furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye could see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root before it, and the other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure.]
[yelling out]
All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! [He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a completely dried-up wasteland.] Rumpel!
Broomsy Witch
[But not an answer came. Shrek took out the folded contract and checked it. Then something flew above him. He thought of nothing, but then two more quick figures flew above him. He then turned around and saw a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below.] [points at Shrek]
Ogre! [Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy.] We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him!
[The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp.]
Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?!
Broomsy Witch
[One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out.]
Looks like a troublemaker!
[She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around, releasing smoke from it, and when the smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then, one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle.]
Broomsy Witch
Spread ‘em!
Broomsy Witch
[Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted in the air by the witches, taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off.]
Nice job, ladies!
[Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air.]
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
This is the part where you run away!
[So the villagers all ran away in fear. Shrek then leapt off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more.]
[narrating]
No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. [He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona kissing and a separate picture of their babies.]
[He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together.]
"The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace." (sarcastically) Goody for them!
[He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp.] [furiously]
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--
[He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists.]
EVER--
[He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud.]
AFTER!
[As Stiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.
Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
[kicks him out of the library]
NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS! [closes the door]
[coughs, and looks at the ripped page of the royal family in anger]
I wish that ogre was never born!
Villagers
Hey, Shrek! Shrek!
Villager #1
[holds up his pitchfork's handle]
Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks?
Villager #2
[holds up his torch]
And our torches?
Villager #3
Man, you used to be so fierce!
Villager #2
Yeah, when you were a real ogre.
[A couple of hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre had had more than just one Eyeball-tini.]
So the centaur says, "That's not the half I'm talkin' about."
[The two chuckled a bit.]
I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre... no worries, no responsibilities. [takes a sip of an eyeball-tini] You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.
Free? [chuckles and rolls eyes] That's a laugh.
Oh, yeah?
Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. [ate the eyeball off the toothpick.]
Well, why didn’t ya say so? [stands up in his chair] Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! [He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away.]
Oh, great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favorite people.
[laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder.]
Hold on. [started rummaging through his deal scrolls.] "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." [finds one] Ah. [He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled...] "Ogre for a day".
[Shrek was even more puzzled than ever. Rumpelstiltskin then appeared right next to him.]
Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be like, [mimicking scared citizen] "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made... sense.
All right, what’s the catch?
Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catching, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing.
Alright. I knew it. So what do you want?
A day.
A day?
Ooh, rat's done!
[He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat.]
Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all.
I can’t just pick up and leave my family.
Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone. And by the time this day is up, [gives a smile] you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.
Still, I don’t know.
Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. It doesn’t matter. Hey, do you like white meat or dark meat?
[The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladle. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal.]
So what day would I have to give up? [As Stiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly.]
Oh, I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. [starts carving the rat] How 'bout the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? [bitterly/faster] A day some meddling oaf stuck his big nose where it didn't belong, DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS AND RUINING YOUR LIFE?! [Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely, but Stiltskin quickly realized his behavior, and he hastily regained his composure.] Just for an example. [He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table.]
Well, how about the day I met Donkey? Now there’s a day I’d like to take back. [laughing]
[laughing]
I don’t know who that is. [gets an idea] I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. An innocent, mindless little baby.
You can take any of those days you want. Take them all for all I care.
Oh, just one will do. [He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing.] Okay, good. A day from your childhood it is.
I guess there’s nothin' wrong with wanting a little time for myself.
Just 24 tiny little hours.
I’m still my own ogre!
Yeah, you is!
I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before.
[Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre.]
Go on, Shrek. Sign it!
[As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tense from this that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor.] Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! [During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking, and Rumpelstiltskin was calm but glowed with excitement.] Oh... you signed it.
So, tell me. What happens now?
[He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared, and the whole carriage came apart as a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air.]
Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!
[Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash.] [groans]
I think I fell on my keys.
[Then the contract came floating gently down towards Shrek's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice.
Tour Guide
There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day.
Oh, great.
Tour Guide
As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across...
Tourist
[points at Shrek]
Ogre?!
[The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared and ran, resulting in the chariot crashing into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first, but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people feared him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing.]
Muffin Man
[As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably.]
It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets!
Muffin Man
[Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man.]
We start tout de suite!
Gingy
Yeah! [He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges.]
Gingy
Gingy snap!
Dwarf
[The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek.] [points at Shrek]
There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! [All the nasty villagers gathered around with scowls, shouting and jeering at Shrek]
Villagers
Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature!
[One villager threw an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, and he wiped it off with irritation. The villagers continued to shout nasty remarks at Shrek as the cage moved onward. One villager even threw a glass bottle at the cage. Eventually, Shrek, Donkey, and the witches arrived at the castle, which was now guarded by witches in every nook and cranny. There was a shield with an "R" on the front gates, which opened as they approached. Inside, Shrek was horrified to see how different the castle grounds looked. He passed by something he had never seen before: two ogres struggling to turn the gears that controlled the gates. The two ogres looked miserable because they were being forced to work by a witch wielding a whip.]
Slavery Witch
Move it! [whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly.]
[The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened. Shrek was let out but placed in handcuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they led the prisoner to the doors.] [quietly]
Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back.
Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!
[The witches laughed cruelly as they pushed the doors open, revealing a large room where a rave party was in full swing. The room was packed with witches dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music blasting. They watched as some witches led an imprisoned ogre through the crowd, which parted to make way for them. Shrek glanced around and spotted the Three Little Pigs, dressed in servant clothes, feeding Fifi some ham. She picked at it for a moment before gobbling it all down. In another corner, he noticed a witch band playing rave music, featuring a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone that produced synthesizer sounds, and a massive brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued to dance and shout with glee, those holding Shrek captive guided him across the ballroom. In a small area marked by red VIP ropes at the front, a certain dealmaker lounged on a throne-like couch, dressed in fancy white clothes. He was laughing and enjoying drinks with four other witches when another witch called out to him.]
Witch
Mr. Stiltskin? [Rumpelstiltskin took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. spots at Pinocchio] You got another customer.
[turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs]
Wolfie!
Wolf
[dryly]
Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Bring me my business wig.
[cutting him off]
Abupupup! [The miserable wolf placed a Victorian-style white powdered wig over him] Okay, go.
Oh, please make me a real boy!
[got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away]
Go away! [to Pinocchio] Terms are in the details, balsa boy. [rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.]
Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
[Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards Shrek.]
Oh, Shrek! [Witches gasp and the music stops; laughs stood up on his desk] There he is! [walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.]
Oh! So close! [his arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.]
Have I been waitin' for you! [hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.] Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! [They all cheered wildly. Then he climbed up towards Shrek] So, tell me, [pulling on Shrek's ear, whispers] how are you enjoying your day?
Alright, Rumpel, what’s going on?! What have you done?
[hopped off]
No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. [skips to his table and sits on it] Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
They would[Flashback to King Harold and Queen Lillian] if I promised them all their problems would disappear. [King Harold writing the contract] And then they disappeared! [King Harold and Queen Lillian then began screaming as they disappeared, dropping their crowns to the floor. The flashback ends as he holds the King's crown, sighs happily] They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.
I ended Fiona’s curse!
How could you? When you never existed?
You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
[pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract]
Here, let me spell out for ya: You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [starts scatting "Happy Birthday"]
No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--
But you haven’t heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you!
[The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running.]
Where's Fiona? [demanding] WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!
Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don’t exist. [Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making him more enraged. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more] How’s that for a metaphysical paradox?! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! [mockingly] HAPPY OGRE-DAY!
[livid]
RUMPEL!! [He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.] AAAAAHHHH!
GET HIM! GET HIM, WITCHES!
[A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring.]
You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.
[Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiralling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well.]
Witch
Come on, girls!
[Five of the witches leapt off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried to get the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches.]
Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! [kicks a witch] Do it!
[The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact.] [calls back]
I'll be right back, Donkey! [zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.]
I don't know you. [to Rumpelstiltskin] I don’t know him. [The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.]
I’m glad I’m not you. [Rumpelstiltskin ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.]
HELP ME! HELP!!!
[Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea.]
OH, NO! HELP!
[With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centrepiece. He grabbed the chain and began to swing around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair.]
No, not my pretty ball!
[The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling.] [covers Donkey's eyes]
Watch out!
[The two then smashed straight through the skylight, with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump.]
[turns on Wolf]
Wolfe... my angry wig.
[The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig. Wolf walked away as well before Rumpelstiltskin breathed in anger.]
[Back at Rumpelstiltskin's palace, the dictator, not wearing any wigs, was staring at the hour glass with the sands of Shrek's time running, and he gave a sigh.]
Some people like to look at the goblet as--as half empty. [turned to a table where some of his witches was sitting, and each had her own cupcake.] Me, I like to look at it as half full. We’ve gone from the bottom to the top, ladies, but we’re not just an empire; we’re a family. Everyone has got their cupcake? Cupcake? Cupcake? Good. Yes? [to one of the witches] Baba? [Baba nodded] Good. [walked around the table as he continued.] Yeah, you know, we have put away a lot of ogres. And so one got away. Who cares? It’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter to me. [One of the witches who was eating her cupcake, nodded in agreement.] It’s not like it’s the end of the world. [Then he came to the edge of the table, with the tone of his voice becoming a bit more sharp.] Except, funny thing... [He motioned the witch he was near to help him upon top of the table and that's what she did, and the villain began to rant.] Now that I think about it, the ogre who got away is Shrek! [with frustration raising in his voice] And if he shares a kiss with Fiona by sunrise, it IS the end of the world! OUR world! MY EMPIRE!!
[Fifi, resting nearby, honked loudly. Then Rumpelstiltskin exhaled, calming down a bit, as he continued speaking more calmly, though his voice still had a hint of danger to it.]
But, as I was saying, [takes pitcher of water and pours it into glass] I like to look at the goblet as half full. [The witches gasped and whimpered in fear, knowing that he might use it to melt any one of them.] Yelling makes me so parched. Would anyone care for some water? [He began to walk across the table and shove the glass of water in one of the panicked witches' faces.] Wet your whistle? [She shook her head 'no' in fear as he slyly walked over to another panicked witch.] A clear, crisp, delicious glass...of aqua purificada? [She nervously declined as well.] Anybody’s thirsty? Nobody’s thirsty? No? [puts pitcher down] Well, then does anyone care to tell me what it’s going to take to get this ogre?! [narrowed his eyes and pointed to Broomsy Witch] You.
Broomsy Witch
Faster brooms?
No!
Hat Witch
[scared]
Pointier hats?
No! [to another witch] You!
Witch
Maybe we could hire a professional bounty hunter? [He shouts and stomps his feet in frustration before splashing the water onto the witch, melting her like a certain other witch, as she melts] What a world, what a world!? [Soon, as the steam cleared, there was nothing left of that witch but a soggy pile of her clothes. Then, Rumpelstiltskin pondered the suggestion.]
You know, actually not a bad idea. [points to Baba] Baba! [Baba jumped out of her chair in fear.] I need a bounty hunter. And if music doth soothe the savage beast… (chortles evilly a bit; proudly) then I think I might know just the person! [He dipped his finger in the frosting of the cupcake and licked the frosting right off, giving a malicious grin.]
[Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, geese don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush, and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head.]
Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. [to the Three Pigs] All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. [Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odours. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.]
Horst
[whines]
This little piggy wants to go home! [pigs gone]
Griselda
[came running in]
Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.
Rumpelstiltskin [sat back on his throne with a couple of other witches at his side.] Nice. [The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carry him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was, in fact, the Pied Piper.]
Pied Piper. How was your commute? [Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes.]
Good.
Griselda
[scoffs]
You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, [motions flute playing] flute those ogres a lullaby? [She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.] OK, got it! Make it stop! [Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit before the dictator got up, waving his arms.]
All right, that’s enough. [With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. he gave an evil look.] Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. [The witches still stood where they were.] Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my chequebook! [The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient he kicked her rear.] Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! [The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Cut into the ???]
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Ogre #1
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