S Stiltskin
[narrating]
No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. [He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona kissing and a separate picture of their babies.]
S Stiltskin
[irate]
True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies!
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together.]
"The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace." (sarcastically) Goody for them!
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp.] [furiously]
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists.]
EVER--
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud.]
AFTER!
[As Stiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.
S Stiltskin
Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
S Stiltskin
[looking devious]
Do you want to be?
[kicks him out of the library]
NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS! [closes the door]
S Stiltskin
[coughs, and looks at the ripped page of the royal family in anger]
I wish that ogre was never born!
If she thinks I'm going to slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre, and I'm not gonna apologize for actin' like one.
S Stiltskin
[from the distance]
Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma, is that you?
S Stiltskin
AN OGRE! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me!
S Stiltskin
But you are an ogre. [peeks out] Aren't you?
Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed.
S Stiltskin
So, you're not gonna eat me?
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
S Stiltskin
Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going?
S Stiltskin
[grins]
What a coincidence! I was just headin' that way myself. But seriously, let me give ya a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me. I got a hot rat cookin'. All right! So, can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration, huh? Eyeball-tini?
[A couple of hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre had had more than just one Eyeball-tini.]
So the centaur says, "That's not the half I'm talkin' about."
S Stiltskin
[The two chuckled a bit.]
I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre... no worries, no responsibilities. [takes a sip of an eyeball-tini] You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.
Free? [chuckles and rolls eyes] That's a laugh.
Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. [ate the eyeball off the toothpick.]
S Stiltskin
Well, why didn’t ya say so? [stands up in his chair] Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! [He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away.]
Oh, great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favorite people.
S Stiltskin
[laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder.]
Hold on. [started rummaging through his deal scrolls.] "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." [finds one] Ah. [He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled...] "Ogre for a day".
S Stiltskin
[Shrek was even more puzzled than ever. Rumpelstiltskin then appeared right next to him.]
Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be like, [mimicking scared citizen] "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made... sense.
All right, what’s the catch?
S Stiltskin
Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catching, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing.
Alright. I knew it. So what do you want?
S Stiltskin
Ooh, rat's done!
S Stiltskin
[He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat.]
Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all.
I can’t just pick up and leave my family.
S Stiltskin
Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone. And by the time this day is up, [gives a smile] you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.
S Stiltskin
Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. It doesn’t matter. Hey, do you like white meat or dark meat?
[The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladle. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal.]
So what day would I have to give up? [As Stiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly.]
S Stiltskin
Oh, I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. [starts carving the rat] How 'bout the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? [bitterly/faster] A day some meddling oaf stuck his big nose where it didn't belong, DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS AND RUINING YOUR LIFE?! [Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely, but Stiltskin quickly realized his behavior, and he hastily regained his composure.] Just for an example. [He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table.]
Well, how about the day I met Donkey? Now there’s a day I’d like to take back. [laughing]
S Stiltskin
[laughing]
I don’t know who that is. [gets an idea] I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. An innocent, mindless little baby.
You can take any of those days you want. Take them all for all I care.
S Stiltskin
Oh, just one will do. [He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing.] Okay, good. A day from your childhood it is.
I guess there’s nothin' wrong with wanting a little time for myself.
S Stiltskin
Just 24 tiny little hours.
S Stiltskin
Yeah, you is!
I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before.
S Stiltskin
[pushes the contract towards him]
So why start now, huh?
S Stiltskin
[Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre.]
Go on, Shrek. Sign it!
[As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tense from this that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor.] Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! [During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking, and Rumpelstiltskin was calm but glowed with excitement.] Oh... you signed it.
So, tell me. What happens now?
S Stiltskin
[mockingly]
Have a nice day.
[He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared, and the whole carriage came apart as a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air.]
Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!
[Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash.] [groans]
I think I fell on my keys.
[Then the contract came floating gently down towards Shrek's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice.
TG Tour Guide
There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day.
TG Tour Guide
As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across...
T Tourist
[points at Shrek]
Ogre?!
[The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared and ran, resulting in the chariot crashing into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first, but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people feared him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing.]
[All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end, when the tops of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarrassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arms, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him.]
Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
[When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other.]
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
[The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell.]
Shrek?
[She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand] [?]
His day is up! His day is... [Cookie restrains Rumpel]
It's all right. [Donkey, Puss, and the other ogres watch sadly]
There has to be something I can do.
You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family.
We have kids. Fergus, Farkle, and a little girl named Felicia.
Felicia. I've always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia.
[last words]
And someday... [The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter.] You will. [He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him.] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. [Tears began to form in Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hourglass emptied, and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that soon dispersed. As Fiona held him, it seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice.]
Fiona.. The sunrise. You're still... an ogre.
[sees Puss in Boots is right]
True love's form.
[anger shocked]
Impossible!
[Suddenly, the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle. All bricks, shingles and other materials of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado.] [shocked]
What?!
[Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well.]
Fifi!
[Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish.]
Puss!
S Stiltskin
[Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disintegrating.] [lastly words in the golden tornadoes]
No! No, no, no, no, no! No, not yet! No, I'm not ready! No! Wait! [Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him.]
