Pinocchio
[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh– sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.
Rumpelstiltskin
Uh– M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Looking devious]
Do you wanna be?
Pinocchio
[Cut to Pinocchio kicking him out]
Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumple Stinkypants!
Rumpelstiltskin
[Coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page]
I wish that ogre was never born!
Rumpelstiltskin
You gave me a day from your past. A day you wouldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [Starts humming Happy Birthday to You]
Shrek
You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.
Puss
Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!
Donkey
Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!
Puss
And you, are ri-donkey-lous!
Donkey
[Beat. Then both laugh]
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
Donkey
I do?
Shrek
You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [Not listening] I'm a daddy?
Shrek
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once– [He blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] –then I can do it again.
Shrek [Enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Puss
[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]
You should not be here.....señor.
Shrek
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
Puss
[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa– [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!
Puss
Do I know you?
Shrek
Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?
Puss
Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]
Shrek
But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss
Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek
[under his breath]
That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Puss
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
PW Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
Rumpelstiltskin
So... you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Shrek
Stop! Where are you going?
Fiona
To save my friends.
Shrek
How, by getting yourself killed?
Fiona
If that's what it takes.
Shrek
Puss, say something.
Fiona
[suspicious]
Puss?
Puss
L-Let me explain.
Fiona
So that's how you knew so much about me!
Shrek
Fiona, wait! [jumping in front of her] Kiss me!
Fiona
What?
Shrek
It's the only way to save your friends!
Fiona
Get out of my way! [walks past him]
Shrek
You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
Shrek
[Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek's confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes at her mouth]
I don't understand. [frustrated] This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona
[sarcastically]
Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek
[pleading]
Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!
Fiona
And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? [voice cracking] Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek
But... but I'm your true love.
Fiona
Then where were you when I needed you?
Donkey
[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can't bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]
Maybe you kissed her... wrong?
Shrek
No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
Puss
It seems that we are safe.
Donkey
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek
Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Donkey
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow–
Shrek
Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!
Donkey
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek
Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! Alright? [He sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had.
Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
[sullenly]
No. You were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the dragon's keep, but...everyday since.
Fiona
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now.
Shrek/Fiona
[about ogres using their noses as a horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
B Butterpants
Do the roar!
Shrek
Uh, roar.
B Butterpants
I don't like it.
Donkey
[During the main event–]
♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ♪ And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah– ♪
Shrek
Donkey?
Donkey
And Puss– [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]
Puss
–In Boots!
Shrek
[Last lines]
You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona
[smiles slightly, confused]
You did.
Shrek
No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]
Butter Pants' father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar.
BP Butter Pants
Do the roar.
Shrek
Uh, roar.
BP Butter Pants
[unimpressed]
I don't like it.
Shrek
Pigs, we need another cake.
H Heimlich
But we ate ze other cakes.
[The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them.] Butter Pants' father: Come on, man. One roar!
Donkey
Hey, everybody. Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! [The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar.]
Shrek
Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes?
D Dieter
We ate them, too.
H Heimlich
Zhey have lollipops.
D Dieter
What, you didn't share?
H Horst
[frowns]
Well, you didn't share the croissants!
Shrek
[The babies cried some more.]
Everything's gonna be okay.
Princess Fiona
[came and took her kids, holding them.]
Shrek, what's going on?
Donkey
[Butterpants was hugging Donkey.]
Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waitin'.
B Butterpants
Do the roar.
C Crowd
[Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough; he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it.]
Do the roar! Do the roar!
Fiona
We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
Shrek
[Shrek couldn't hold it in anymore, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar at the top of his lungs that nearly blew everyone away, even ButterPants' hat was blown off.]
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
B Butterpants
[Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a moment until they all cheered.] [chuckles as he hugs his dad]
I love you, daddy.
Puss in Boots
[Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance.]
Everybody, I have found... [lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] Another cake!
Fiona
[Everyone started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband's face as he handed Felicia to her mother.]
Shrek, are you okay?
E Everyone
[Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him.] [chanting]
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Enraged, Shrek then slams his big fist into the cake's center after furiously ogre roars, making everyone gasp in shock. He gave a miserable stare at everybody, and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off.]
Fiona
[Outside, Rumpel was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but he saw Shrek storm out of the party with Fiona following him.]
Unbelievable!
Shrek
Tell me about it! Those villagers are...
Fiona
I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?
Shrek
Oh, great. So this is all my fault?
Fiona
Yes! But.... You know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home.
Shrek
You mean that roadside attraction we live in? [mimicking the tour guide] "Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite!" I USED to be an ogre, now I'm just a Jolly Green Joke!
Fiona
Okay, okay. Maybe you're not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Shrek
[scoffs]
Oh, I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. [throws down the party hat]
Fiona
[solemnly]
And the other half locked away in a tower.
Shrek
[sighs]
Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Back when the world made sense!
Fiona
[sharply]
You mean, back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?
Shrek
[angrily]
Exactly!
Fiona
[widens her eyes in great shock, not believing what her husband just told her; solemnly]
Shrek, you have 3 beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that... is you?
Shrek
[Shrek doesn't respond; Fiona heads back inside the party, but before she gets in, she glances at Shrek and shakes her head at Shrek, who just glares at her. She sadly closes the door, leaving Shrek alone. Stiltskin heard everything] [bitterly]
That's just great. [leaves]
[Stiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose Fifi, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at Shrek, who had ruined his business.]
Donkey
[Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.]
Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek
Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
Donkey
[Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.]
Uh-oh.
Shrek
[The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out in the direction of the two.] [ducks]
Look out!
Shrek
[But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifted the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.]
Donkey! Are you OK?
Donkey
I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Shrek
Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Donkey
Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
O1 Ogre #1
Watch your head.
O2 Ogre #2
[He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.]
Hey, it's a new guy!
O3 Ogre #3
Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
Gretched
He's really tiny, isn’t he?
Brogan
[Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.]
Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
O3 Ogre #3
[The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.]
Let's go, greenie.
Shrek
Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
Brogan
Here you go.
Brogan
[An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witches' clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy and brawled with it. Shrek]
Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek
[confused]
Resistance?
Brogan
[puts arm around Shrek]
We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
Shrek
[about soldiers using their horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Donkey
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
Shrek
I'll take him! This order's to go.
Cookie
Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Shrek
Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
Donkey
I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Shrek
Let go!
Cookie
Don't make Papa mad.
Shrek
Your dinner is my friend!
Brogan
Come on, guys!
Cookie
I got to get the giblets out!
O Ogres
She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
Shrek
[happily]
Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
Princess Fiona
[Fiona kicks him in the jaw and sends him flying, yelling in slow motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced, while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.] [walked up to him, handing her axe to Gretched.]
Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
Shrek
[Shrek looked very worried at her] [confused]
You don't know who I am, do you?
Princess Fiona
No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
Shrek
[pleaded]
Fiona.
Princess Fiona
[to Gretched]
Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
Shrek
I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona
[turns on Shrek, annoyed]
What is it?!
Shrek
[calmly]
OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Princess Fiona
Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
Shrek
[The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.] [pleading]
Fiona, I need to...
Princess Fiona
[But Fiona held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.]
Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Shrek
Fiona!
Donkey
Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek
[grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.]
Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Brogan
Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Princess Fiona
Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
Donkey
[Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were.] [to Shrek]
That's your wife?
Shrek
That’s my wife.
Donkey
Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]
Princess Fiona
[Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who were untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the tree. Fiona has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything.]
Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself.
O Ogres
He’s never done that before. What? Why?
Donkey
I bet that’s because of us.
Shrek
Shhh!
Brogan
If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable.
Princess Fiona
The plan’s simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. And then we attack!
Princess Fiona
[She raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table.]
And when the smoke clears... [noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon.] Wait, what’s this?
Cookie
That’s my chimichanga stand.
Princess Fiona
No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that.
Cookie
Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? Go ahead and finish your little speech.
Princess Fiona
All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone, and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.
Brogan
And so will we.
Princess Fiona
Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.
Donkey
[The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned.]
Man, this is serious!
Shrek
[slumps back]
Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?
Donkey
Actually, I was talking about the revolution.
Shrek
Revolution? [scoff]
Donkey
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you are her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek
[sarcastically]
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
Donkey
I do?!
Shrek
You saw what happened; she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [not listening] I'm a daddy?!
Shrek
[spots the frog]
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... [blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] Then I can do it again.
Donkey
[off-screen]
Shrek, do my babies have hooves or talons?
Shrek
Donkey, shh. [enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Puss in Boots
[green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]
You should not be here, señor.
Shrek
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight, with a pink bow wrapped around the back of his neck] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
Puss in Boots
[Puss lowers down on the scratching post, slowly, then lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa- [as he goes to say "fat", Puss gives him a look] Fancy!
Puss in Boots
Do I know you?
Shrek
Well, where is your hat and your belt? [gasps softly] And your wee little boots?
Puss
Boots, for a cat? [laughs]
Shrek
But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss in Boots
Maybe once. [opens a bottle of milk] But that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek
[under his breath]
That's not the only thing you have outgrown.
Puss in Boots
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] ...Eh, I'll get him later. [starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Puss in Boots
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek
Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona...
Princess Fiona
[enters her tent]
What are you doing?!
Shrek
What... [notices Fiona behind him turns around] Hey!
Princess Fiona
Can I help you with something?
Shrek
Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.
Princess Fiona
A gift basket?
Shrek
You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. [He then got out each different gift from the basket.] Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. [sniff] Mmm.
Princess Fiona
Look, this really isn’t the…
Shrek
What’s this? [holds out a homemade coupon book] Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. [came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.] "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. [but Fiona stops him]
Princess Fiona
Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful.
Shrek
Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. [holds out hand] No hard feelings? [Fiona decided to shake his hand.] An apologetic hug? [The two hugged.] And a quick kiss goodbye. [Fiona quickly stopped him by stomping his foot then grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back in pain, forcing him to leave.] Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? [Fiona pushed him thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.]
Donkey
Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?
Princess Fiona
[Back inside the tent] [about Shrek]
Where’d we find that guy?
Puss in Boots
Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?
Princess Fiona
Don’t be silly. [then got out a comb and crush.] Now who’s a pretty kitty?
Puss in Boots
[gives cute pose]
I am.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Inside the castle, the citizens came with their prisoners, and none of them was Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it.]
Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! [saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.] That's not even an ogre; it is a troll! Nice try. [sees that Wolf was wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.] And that...
Rumpelstiltskin
...is just sad. [spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.] And what is that supposed to be?
G Geppetto
I'm just a frightened old man.
Pinocchio
Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
Rumpelstiltskin
That is your father painted green.
Pinocchio
No, it's Shrek! Honest! [his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making Rumpelstiltskin shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.]
Rumpelstiltskin
Oh! Aye! Ow! [to a witch] Take them away! [Witch takes Pinocchio and Geppetto away. Rumpelstiltskin went to his table, frustrated] Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! [angrily pounded on the table in frustration] I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! [Then the door of the throne room slammed open]
Shrek
[offscreen]
Stiltskin! [Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle] I hear you're looking for me.
Rumpelstiltskin
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
Shrek
[took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand]
I do.
Rumpelstiltskin
What?! But--
Shrek
If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. [He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped it in the magic ink jar] That means you have to give me anything I want.
Rumpelstiltskin
[leaped onto the table, stopped Shrek signing it]
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimics walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
Shrek
I'm not here to get my life back.
Rumpelstiltskin
[with a glare]
Then what do you want?
Puss in Boots
[Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss waited when all the ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, and dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way.]
The ogres, they're all free.
Donkey
But where's Shrek?
Puss in Boots
[They all went up to the gates, knowed Shrek was still inside.] [Long pause]
This is not good.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him.]
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. [The witches trying to shackles Shrek with chains]
Shrek
All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]
Shrek
Fiona!
Shrek
[Shrek and Fiona rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement]
Stiltstkin, we have a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin
[uncaring tone]
Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, [slyly] is she? [He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.] By day, one way; by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha-ha! [He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph and more triumphantly] Nobody's smart but me! [He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn, sad look]
Princess Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
[sullenly]
No, you were right. I wasn't there for you, and I'm not just at the dragon's keep, but... every day since.
Princess Fiona
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now. [Long pause; Shrek grins at Princess Fiona]
Donkey
[Outside the castle]
Let go of me; I have to save Shrek!
Gretched
[angry]
DON'T BE A FOOL, MULE!
Brogan
She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
Cookie
And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
PW Palace Witch #1
Hey! [The ogres, Donkey and Puss looks up at the two witches.] We can hear you!
Brogan
Sorry! [Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.]
Puss in Boots
We must get into the palace.
Donkey
Man, Shrek and I just busted out of that place!
Brogan
But how?
Donkey
[looks at a shield's reflection, confidently.]
The same way we're gonna bust in.
Princess Fiona
Victory is ours!
Brogan
[All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end, when the tops of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarrassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arms, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him.]
Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Princess Fiona
[When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other.]
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
Shrek
You have no idea.
Princess Fiona
[The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell.]
Shrek?
Rumpelstiltskin
[She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand] [?]
His day is up! His day is... [Cookie restrains Rumpel]
Princess Fiona
[heartbroken]
Shrek.
Shrek
It's all right. [Donkey, Puss, and the other ogres watch sadly]
Princess Fiona
There has to be something I can do.
Shrek
You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family.
Princess Fiona
You have kids?
Shrek
We have kids. Fergus, Farkle, and a little girl named Felicia.
Princess Fiona
Felicia. I've always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia.
Shrek
[last words]
And someday... [The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter.] You will. [He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him.] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. [Tears began to form in Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hourglass emptied, and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that soon dispersed. As Fiona held him, it seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice.]
Puss in Boots
Fiona.. The sunrise. You're still... an ogre.
Princess Fiona
[sees Puss in Boots is right]
True love's form.
Rumpelstiltskin
[anger shocked]
Impossible!
Princess Fiona
The kiss worked.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Suddenly, the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle. All bricks, shingles and other materials of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado.] [shocked]
What?!
Rumpelstiltskin
[Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well.]
Fifi!
Princess Fiona
[Then Donkey and Puss were the next to vanish.]
Puss!
S Stiltskin
[Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disintegrating.] [lastly words in the golden tornadoes]
No! No, no, no, no, no! No, not yet! No, I'm not ready! No! Wait! [Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him.]
Shrek
[last lines; The world went back to where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roars from before] [resume words]
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! [Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered.]
B Butterpants
[chuckles as he hugs his dad]
I love you, daddy.
E Everyone
[chanting]
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way, so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head.]
Puss
Everybody, I have found... [lifts his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] another cake!
Fiona
Shrek, are you okay?
Shrek
[turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. This time, he removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife.]
Oh, Fiona. I've never been better.
Shrek
[Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring.]
Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And, Felicia, sweetheart... I believe this is yours.
F Felicia
Thank you, Daddy.
Shrek
[hugs his children]
Aww!
Donkey
Hey, Uncle Shrek, how about giving my babies an encore!
Puss
Please, señor, let us have it! [The others insist eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek holds his nose and blows a toot through his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applaud and Puss waves a little yellow flag, Fiona is astounded.]
Fiona
I didn't know we can do that!
Donkey
That's my best friend!
Shrek
You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona
You did.
Shrek
No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheers. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene on the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story "Shrek Forever After", before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song "I'm a Believer" by Weezer from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them, and each took a glass before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. Shrek lay on his back in the air happily. Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up, with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds had exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but finding the animal crackers tasty.]
D Dieter
Yummy!
[The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air.]
