Pinocchio
[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh– sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.
Rumpelstiltskin
Uh– M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Looking devious]
Do you wanna be?
Pinocchio
[Cut to Pinocchio kicking him out]
Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumple Stinkypants!
Rumpelstiltskin
[Coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page]
I wish that ogre was never born!
Rumpelstiltskin
You gave me a day from your past. A day you wouldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [Starts humming Happy Birthday to You]
Shrek
You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.
Puss
Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!
Donkey
Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!
Puss
And you, are ri-donkey-lous!
Donkey
[Beat. Then both laugh]
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
Donkey
I do?
Shrek
You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [Not listening] I'm a daddy?
Shrek
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once– [He blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] –then I can do it again.
Shrek [Enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Puss
[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]
You should not be here.....señor.
Shrek
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
Puss
[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa– [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!
Puss
Do I know you?
Shrek
Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?
Puss
Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]
Shrek
But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss
Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek
[under his breath]
That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Puss
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
PW Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
Rumpelstiltskin
So... you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Shrek
Stop! Where are you going?
Fiona
To save my friends.
Shrek
How, by getting yourself killed?
Fiona
If that's what it takes.
Shrek
Puss, say something.
Fiona
[suspicious]
Puss?
Puss
L-Let me explain.
Fiona
So that's how you knew so much about me!
Shrek
Fiona, wait! [jumping in front of her] Kiss me!
Fiona
What?
Shrek
It's the only way to save your friends!
Fiona
Get out of my way! [walks past him]
Shrek
You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
Shrek
[Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek's confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes at her mouth]
I don't understand. [frustrated] This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona
[sarcastically]
Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek
[pleading]
Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!
Fiona
And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? [voice cracking] Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek
But... but I'm your true love.
Fiona
Then where were you when I needed you?
Donkey
[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can't bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]
Maybe you kissed her... wrong?
Shrek
No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
Puss
It seems that we are safe.
Donkey
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek
Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Donkey
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow–
Shrek
Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!
Donkey
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek
Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! Alright? [He sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had.
Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
[sullenly]
No. You were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the dragon's keep, but...everyday since.
Fiona
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now.
Shrek/Fiona
[about ogres using their noses as a horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
B Butterpants
Do the roar!
Shrek
Uh, roar.
B Butterpants
I don't like it.
Donkey
[During the main event–]
♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ♪ And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah– ♪
Shrek
Donkey?
Donkey
And Puss– [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]
Puss
–In Boots!
Shrek
[Last lines]
You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona
[smiles slightly, confused]
You did.
Shrek
No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]
S Stiltskin
[narrating]
No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. [He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona kissing and a separate picture of their babies.]
S Stiltskin
[irate]
True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies!
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together.]
"The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace." (sarcastically) Goody for them!
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp.] [furiously]
AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists.]
EVER--
S Stiltskin
[He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud.]
AFTER!
Pinocchio
[As Stiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.
S Stiltskin
Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
S Stiltskin
[looking devious]
Do you want to be?
Pinocchio
[kicks him out of the library]
NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS! [closes the door]
S Stiltskin
[coughs, and looks at the ripped page of the royal family in anger]
I wish that ogre was never born!
MM Muffin Man
[As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably.]
It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets!
MM Muffin Man
[Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man.]
We start tout de suite!
G Gingy
Yeah! [He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges.]
Shrek
[confused]
Gingy?
D Dwarf
[The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek.] [points at Shrek]
There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! [All the nasty villagers gathered around with scowls, shouting and jeering at Shrek]
V Villagers
Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature!
[One villager threw an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, and he wiped it off with irritation. The villagers continued to shout nasty remarks at Shrek as the cage moved onward. One villager even threw a glass bottle at the cage. Eventually, Shrek, Donkey, and the witches arrived at the castle, which was now guarded by witches in every nook and cranny. There was a shield with an "R" on the front gates, which opened as they approached. Inside, Shrek was horrified to see how different the castle grounds looked. He passed by something he had never seen before: two ogres struggling to turn the gears that controlled the gates. The two ogres looked miserable because they were being forced to work by a witch wielding a whip.]
SW Slavery Witch
Move it! [whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly.]
Shrek
[The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened. Shrek was let out but placed in handcuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they led the prisoner to the doors.] [quietly]
Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back.
Donkey
Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!
[The witches laughed cruelly as they pushed the doors open, revealing a large room where a rave party was in full swing. The room was packed with witches dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music blasting. They watched as some witches led an imprisoned ogre through the crowd, which parted to make way for them. Shrek glanced around and spotted the Three Little Pigs, dressed in servant clothes, feeding Fifi some ham. She picked at it for a moment before gobbling it all down. In another corner, he noticed a witch band playing rave music, featuring a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone that produced synthesizer sounds, and a massive brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued to dance and shout with glee, those holding Shrek captive guided him across the ballroom. In a small area marked by red VIP ropes at the front, a certain dealmaker lounged on a throne-like couch, dressed in fancy white clothes. He was laughing and enjoying drinks with four other witches when another witch called out to him.]
W Witch
Mr. Stiltskin? [Rumpelstiltskin took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. spots at Pinocchio] You got another customer.
Rumpelstiltskin
[turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs]
Wolfie!
W Wolf
[dryly]
Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin
Bring me my business wig.
Pinocchio
[pleading]
Mr. Stiltskin, oh, please!
Rumpelstiltskin
[cutting him off]
Abupupup! [The miserable wolf placed a Victorian-style white powdered wig over him] Okay, go.
Pinocchio
Oh, please make me a real boy!
Rumpelstiltskin
[got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away]
Go away! [to Pinocchio] Terms are in the details, balsa boy. [rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.]
Pinocchio
Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
Shrek
[Rumpelstiltskin laughed as Pinocchio started signing when...] [angrily]
Stiltskin!
Rumpelstiltskin
[Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards Shrek.]
Oh, Shrek! [Witches gasp and the music stops; laughs stood up on his desk] There he is! [walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.]
Pinocchio
Oh! So close! [his arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.]
Rumpelstiltskin
Have I been waitin' for you! [hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.] Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! [They all cheered wildly. Then he climbed up towards Shrek] So, tell me, [pulling on Shrek's ear, whispers] how are you enjoying your day?
Shrek
Alright, Rumpel, what’s going on?! What have you done?
Rumpelstiltskin
[hopped off]
No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. [skips to his table and sits on it] Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek
[roll his eyes]
They would never do that.
Rumpelstiltskin
They would[Flashback to King Harold and Queen Lillian] if I promised them all their problems would disappear. [King Harold writing the contract] And then they disappeared! [King Harold and Queen Lillian then began screaming as they disappeared, dropping their crowns to the floor. The flashback ends as he holds the King's crown, sighs happily] They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.
Shrek
I ended Fiona’s curse!
Rumpelstiltskin
How could you? When you never existed?
Shrek
You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
Rumpelstiltskin
[pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract]
Here, let me spell out for ya: You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [starts scatting "Happy Birthday"]
Shrek
[shocked]
You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin
No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek
Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--
Rumpelstiltskin
But you haven’t heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you!
Shrek
[The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running.]
Where's Fiona? [demanding] WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!
Rumpelstiltskin
Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don’t exist. [Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making him more enraged. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more] How’s that for a metaphysical paradox?! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! [mockingly] HAPPY OGRE-DAY!
Shrek
[livid]
RUMPEL!! [He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.] AAAAAHHHH!
Rumpelstiltskin
GET HIM! GET HIM, WITCHES!
[A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring.]
Donkey
You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.
[Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiralling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well.]
Rumpelstiltskin
[Five of the witches leapt off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried to get the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches.]
Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! [kicks a witch] Do it!
Shrek
[The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact.] [calls back]
I'll be right back, Donkey! [zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.]
Donkey
I don't know you. [to Rumpelstiltskin] I don’t know him. [The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.]
Donkey
I’m glad I’m not you. [Rumpelstiltskin ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.]
Donkey
HELP ME! HELP!!!
Donkey
[Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea.]
OH, NO! HELP!
[With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centrepiece. He grabbed the chain and began to swing around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair.]
Rumpelstiltskin
No, not my pretty ball!
Shrek
[The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling.] [covers Donkey's eyes]
Watch out!
[The two then smashed straight through the skylight, with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump.]
Rumpelstiltskin
[turns on Wolf]
Wolfe... my angry wig.
[The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig. Wolf walked away as well before Rumpelstiltskin breathed in anger.]
Rumpelstiltskin
[Inside the castle, the citizens came with their prisoners, and none of them was Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it.]
Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! [saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.] That's not even an ogre; it is a troll! Nice try. [sees that Wolf was wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.] And that...
Rumpelstiltskin
...is just sad. [spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.] And what is that supposed to be?
G Geppetto
I'm just a frightened old man.
Pinocchio
Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
Rumpelstiltskin
That is your father painted green.
Pinocchio
No, it's Shrek! Honest! [his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making Rumpelstiltskin shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.]
Rumpelstiltskin
Oh! Aye! Ow! [to a witch] Take them away! [Witch takes Pinocchio and Geppetto away. Rumpelstiltskin went to his table, frustrated] Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! [angrily pounded on the table in frustration] I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! [Then the door of the throne room slammed open]
Shrek
[offscreen]
Stiltskin! [Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle] I hear you're looking for me.
Rumpelstiltskin
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
Shrek
[took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand]
I do.
Rumpelstiltskin
What?! But--
Shrek
If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. [He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped it in the magic ink jar] That means you have to give me anything I want.
Rumpelstiltskin
[leaped onto the table, stopped Shrek signing it]
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimics walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
Shrek
I'm not here to get my life back.
Rumpelstiltskin
[with a glare]
Then what do you want?
Puss in Boots
[Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss waited when all the ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, and dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way.]
The ogres, they're all free.
Donkey
But where's Shrek?
Puss in Boots
[They all went up to the gates, knowed Shrek was still inside.] [Long pause]
This is not good.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him.]
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. [The witches trying to shackles Shrek with chains]
Shrek
All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]
Shrek
Fiona!
Shrek
[Shrek and Fiona rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement]
Stiltstkin, we have a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin
[uncaring tone]
Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, [slyly] is she? [He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.] By day, one way; by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha-ha! [He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph and more triumphantly] Nobody's smart but me! [He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn, sad look]
Princess Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
[sullenly]
No, you were right. I wasn't there for you, and I'm not just at the dragon's keep, but... every day since.
Princess Fiona
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now. [Long pause; Shrek grins at Princess Fiona]
Donkey
[Outside the castle]
Let go of me; I have to save Shrek!
Gretched
[angry]
DON'T BE A FOOL, MULE!
Brogan
She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
Cookie
And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
PW Palace Witch #1
Hey! [The ogres, Donkey and Puss looks up at the two witches.] We can hear you!
Brogan
Sorry! [Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.]
Puss in Boots
We must get into the palace.
Donkey
Man, Shrek and I just busted out of that place!
Brogan
But how?
Donkey
[looks at a shield's reflection, confidently.]
The same way we're gonna bust in.
