Cody Cameron movie quotes

View Quote [Gasps] No! The food of oppression! I must be strong! ...Oh, maybe just a taste... Nein! Ja? Nein! Ja? Nein! Ja? Nein!

View Quote "Pieces," you strudelkopf!

View Quote But I am ze same!

View Quote [Mr. Weenie and the other domestics see Doug at the circus on TV and mistake him for Boog]
Mr. Weenie: We have to do something!
Roger: Let's go save him! Oh, I wanna go save him! Oh please, please, please, please!
Mr. Weenie: [Gasps] We must hurry!

View Quote [During the mission to save Boog in the Maslova Family Circus, Nate is riding a tricycle and Mr. Weenie is sitting behind him]
Mr. Weenie: Ach! I can't see him from back here! Any sign of Boog?
[Nate barks and sees Boog juggling on a unicycle with Ursa on a tightrope]
Boog: Ursa!
Ursa: You're doing great, Boog!

View Quote [In Bob and Bobbie's trailer, Mr. Weenie and his domestic friends are all looking at the Maslova Family Circus poster]
Fifi: I've seen those lights before.
[He runs over to the window]
Mr. Weenie: Wait. You mean ze circus is just behind zose trees?
Fifi: Yes, my new old friend! Boog is closer than we ever imagined!

View Quote Gingy: I hate dinner theatre.
Pinocchio: Me too. [his nose grows]

View Quote Prince Charming: You. You can't lie. So tell me, puppet, where is Shrek?
Pinocchio: Uh, hmm, well, uh, I don't know where he's not.
Prince Charming: You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
Pinocchio: It wouldn’t be inaccurate to assume that I couldn’t exactly not say that it is or isn’t almost partially incorrect.
Prince Charming:- So you do know where he is?
Pinocchio: Oh, on the contrary. I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way with any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably...
Prince Charming: Stop it!
Pinocchio: ...do or do not know where he shouldn’t probably be, if that indeed wasn’t where he isn’t. Even if he wasn’t at where I knew he was, that’d mean I’d really have to know where he wasn't.

View Quote [First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shining down. This beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes, revealing Prince Charming riding his valiant steed, Chauncey, across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's just-washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, majestic, glorious, flowing, marvellous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck-length blond hair around his face.]
Prince Charming: Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stagehand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stagehand turns a crank that creates the background music. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stagehands backstage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.]
Gingy: This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!
Pinocchio: Me, too. [his nose grows]
Prince Charming: [rides to the base of the tower] Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]
Actress: [as the princess, leaning from the tower window] Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.
Prince Charming: [puffing his chest out] Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. [An old couple at a table look confused]
Old Lady: [to the old man] What did she say? [Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince costume comes onstage. The whole crowd erupts into applause.]
Gingy: Yeah! It's Shrek!
Little Pigs and Pinocchio: Whoo, Shrek, yeah!
Prince Charming: [ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince] Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
Waiter: [singing while carrying a birthday cake] Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee
Prince Charming: Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]
Gingy: Do you mind?! Boring! [The audience laughs]
Prince Charming: [glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple] Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princess's window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.
Heckler: [off-screen] We already are! [They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]
Ogre Mascot: Grr! [The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His makeshift dressing room is in an alleyway across the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away is seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't Stop Believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]
Prince Charming: [heavy sobs] Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother: I will restore dignity to my throne! [A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [Crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises, and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]
Shrek: Good morning.
Princess Fiona: Good morning. [dreaming] Morning breath.
[Shrek breathes in and smiles]
Shrek: [dreaming] I know. Isn't it wonderful?
[The bedroom doors fly open, and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.]
Donkey: [singing] Good morning, good morning! [Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused] The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning [coming closer and closer to Shrek] To you! [to Fiona] And you! [to the Dronkeys] And you! [the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] They grow up so fast.
Shrek: [greatly annoyed] Not fast enough. [lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]
Puss in Boots: [leaps onto the bed] Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.
Shrek: [very sarcastically] Great! Let's get started. [immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]
Donkey: Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] AAH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
[Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stained glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the beginning titles are superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous.]
Shrek: [holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his rapier.] I knight thee. [accidentally stabs the knight in the head.] Heh, heh. Ooh.
[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat, and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them.]
Donkey: Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!
Raul: [stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow] Ahem. I will see what I can do.
[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chainsaw. He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.]
Fiona: Ow!
[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoehorn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. A collar is placed around Fiona's neck, and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]
Donkey: Oh!
Puss: [rolls his eyes] Yeah, wow.
Fiona: [feeling uncomfortable] Uh, is this really necessary?
Raul: [to Shrek] Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
Prince Shrek: I'm Shrek, you twit.
Raul: Whatever.
Puss: Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!
Donkey: Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
[Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]
Prince Shrek: I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona.
Princess Fiona: I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] Shrek?
Prince Shrek: Yeah.
Princess Fiona: You look handsome.
Prince Shrek: Ah. Come here, you. [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips, and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air.] Oh, my butt is itching up a storm, and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. [tries to scratch his butt but to no avail] Oh. [whistles] Hey, you! Come here. [a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] What's your name?
Fiddlesworth: Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
Prince Shrek: Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect.
[The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek and Princess Fiona
[The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's behind.]
Prince Shrek: Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.
Princess Fiona: Uh, Shrek?
[Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]
Prince Shrek: Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.
Princess Fiona: Shrek...
Shrek: Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!
Princess Fiona: Shrek! [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]
Donkey: [stumbling through the crowd, screamed] Ow! My eye! My eye! [grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]
Woman: What are you doing?! [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona manoeuvres to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase, which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]
Shrek: Fiona! [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air, where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him]
Fiddlesworth: Uhhh... [whimpers]
Shrek: [has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor] Are you okay?
Princess Fiona: Yeah. I'm fine. [her eyes widen]
Fiddlesworth: [his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers] Ahhhh!!! [The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]
Donkey: Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.]

View Quote Pinocchio: I'm a real boy!

View Quote Gingy: Oh, I hate these ball shows, they bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture.
Pinocchio: I'm not flipping anywhere, sir, until I see Shrek and Fiona.
Gingy: Aw, whizzes on you guys.

View Quote Magic Mirror: We'll be right back for more Far, Far Away Ball after these messages.
Gingy: I hate these ball shows. They bore me to tears! Flip over to Wheel of Torture!
Pinocchio: I'm not flipping anywhere; sir, 'til I see Shrek and Fiona.

View Quote [As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Pinocchio: Uh– sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.
Rumpelstiltskin: Uh– M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio: Oh, I'm not a real boy.
Rumpelstiltskin: [Looking devious] Do you wanna be?
[Cut to Pinocchio kicking him out]
Pinocchio: Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumple Stinkypants!
Rumpelstiltskin: [Coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page] I wish that ogre was never born!
Rumpelstiltskin: You gave me a day from your past. A day you wouldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [Starts humming Happy Birthday to You]
Shrek: You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek, you gave it to me.
Puss: Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!
Donkey: Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!
Puss: And you, are ri-donkey-lous!
[Beat. Then both laugh]
Donkey: Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek: Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
Donkey: I do?
Shrek: You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [Not listening] I'm a daddy?
Shrek: You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once– [He blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] –then I can do it again.
Shrek [Enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]
Puss: You should not be here.....señor.
Shrek: Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]
Puss: Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek: Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa– [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!
Puss: Do I know you?
Shrek: Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?
Puss: Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]
Shrek: But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss: Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek: [under his breath] That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss: Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek: Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Puss: Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek: You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Pumpkin Witch: You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
Rumpelstiltskin: So... you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek: No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Shrek: Stop! Where are you going?
Fiona: To save my friends.
Shrek: How, by getting yourself killed?
Fiona: If that's what it takes.
Shrek: Puss, say something.
Fiona: [suspicious] Puss?
Puss: L-Let me explain.
Fiona: So that's how you knew so much about me!
Shrek: Fiona, wait! [jumping in front of her] Kiss me!
Fiona: What?
Shrek: It's the only way to save your friends!
Fiona: Get out of my way! [walks past him]
Shrek: You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
[Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek's confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes at her mouth]
Shrek: I don't understand. [frustrated] This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona: [sarcastically] Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek: [pleading] Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!
Fiona: And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? [voice cracking] Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek: But... but I'm your true love.
Fiona: Then where were you when I needed you?
[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can't bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]
Donkey: Maybe you kissed her... wrong?
Shrek: No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
Puss: It seems that we are safe.
Donkey: Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek: Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Donkey: Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow–
Shrek: Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!
Donkey: Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek: Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! Alright? [He sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had.
Fiona: That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek: [sullenly] No. You were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the dragon's keep, but...everyday since.
Fiona: [smiles softly] Well, you're here now.
Shrek/Fiona: [about ogres using their noses as a horn] I didn't know we could do that.
Butterpants: Do the roar!
Shrek: Uh, roar.
Butterpants: I don't like it.
[During the main event–]
Donkey: ♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ♪ And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah– ♪
Shrek: Donkey?
Donkey: And Puss– [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]
Puss: –In Boots!
[Last lines]
Shrek: You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona: [smiles slightly, confused] You did.
Shrek: No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]

View Quote Stiltskin: [narrating] No one would have guessed that an ogre named Shrek, whose roar was feared throughout the land, would save the beautiful Princess Fiona. [He angrily turned the page, showing a picture of Shrek and Fiona kissing and a separate picture of their babies.]
Stiltskin: [irate] True love's kiss led to marriage and ogre babies!
[He ripped off the page of the babies, showing the page of good guys and villains (who were reformed thanks to Artie) holding hands together.]
Stiltskin: "The kingdom of Far Far Away was finally at peace." (sarcastically) Goody for them!
[He ripped off that page as well, leaving the page with the ogre family in front of the swamp.]
Stiltskin: [furiously] AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY--
[He ripped off that page, leaving the page of Shrek with Donkey and Puss bumping fists.]
Stiltskin: EVER--
[He ripped off that page, getting to the final one with Shrek and Fiona riding a unicorn, while Pinocchio waved a wand, Donkey ran with his kids, the Three Little Pigs, the Three Blind Mice, Puss and Gingy riding down rainbows, and the ogre babies riding a cloud.]
Stiltskin: AFTER!
[As Stiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Pinocchio: Uh, sir? You're gonna have to pay for that.
Stiltskin: Uh, m-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio: Oh, I'm not a real boy.
Stiltskin: [looking devious] Do you want to be?
Pinocchio: [kicks him out of the library] NOBODY NEEDS YOUR DEALS ANYMORE, GRUMPEL STINKYPANTS! [closes the door]
Stiltskin: [coughs, and looks at the ripped page of the royal family in anger] I wish that ogre was never born!

View Quote [As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably.]
Muffin Man: It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets!
[Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man.]
Muffin Man: We start tout de suite!
Gingy: Yeah! [He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges.]
Shrek: [confused] Gingy?
Gingy: Gingy snap!
[The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek.]
Dwarf: [points at Shrek] There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! [All the nasty villagers gathered around with scowls, shouting and jeering at Shrek]
Villagers: Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature!
[One villager threw an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, and he wiped it off with irritation. The villagers continued to shout nasty remarks at Shrek as the cage moved onward. One villager even threw a glass bottle at the cage. Eventually, Shrek, Donkey, and the witches arrived at the castle, which was now guarded by witches in every nook and cranny. There was a shield with an "R" on the front gates, which opened as they approached. Inside, Shrek was horrified to see how different the castle grounds looked. He passed by something he had never seen before: two ogres struggling to turn the gears that controlled the gates. The two ogres looked miserable because they were being forced to work by a witch wielding a whip.]
Slavery Witch: Move it! [whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly.]
[The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened. Shrek was let out but placed in handcuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they led the prisoner to the doors.]
Shrek: [quietly] Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back.
Donkey: Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!
[The witches laughed cruelly as they pushed the doors open, revealing a large room where a rave party was in full swing. The room was packed with witches dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music blasting. They watched as some witches led an imprisoned ogre through the crowd, which parted to make way for them. Shrek glanced around and spotted the Three Little Pigs, dressed in servant clothes, feeding Fifi some ham. She picked at it for a moment before gobbling it all down. In another corner, he noticed a witch band playing rave music, featuring a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone that produced synthesizer sounds, and a massive brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued to dance and shout with glee, those holding Shrek captive guided him across the ballroom. In a small area marked by red VIP ropes at the front, a certain dealmaker lounged on a throne-like couch, dressed in fancy white clothes. He was laughing and enjoying drinks with four other witches when another witch called out to him.]
Witch: Mr. Stiltskin? [Rumpelstiltskin took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. spots at Pinocchio] You got another customer.
Rumpelstiltskin: [turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs] Wolfie!
Wolf: [dryly] Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Rumpelstiltskin: Bring me my business wig.
Pinocchio: [pleading] Mr. Stiltskin, oh, please!
Rumpelstiltskin: [cutting him off] Abupupup! [The miserable wolf placed a Victorian-style white powdered wig over him] Okay, go.
Pinocchio: Oh, please make me a real boy!
Rumpelstiltskin: [got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away] Go away! [to Pinocchio] Terms are in the details, balsa boy. [rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.]
Pinocchio: Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
[Rumpelstiltskin laughed as Pinocchio started signing when...]
Shrek: [angrily] Stiltskin!
[Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards Shrek.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Oh, Shrek! [Witches gasp and the music stops; laughs stood up on his desk] There he is! [walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.]
Pinocchio: Oh! So close! [his arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Have I been waitin' for you! [hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.] Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! [They all cheered wildly. Then he climbed up towards Shrek] So, tell me, [pulling on Shrek's ear, whispers] how are you enjoying your day?
Shrek: Alright, Rumpel, what’s going on?! What have you done?
Rumpelstiltskin: [hopped off] No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. [skips to his table and sits on it] Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek: [roll his eyes] They would never do that.
Rumpelstiltskin: They would[Flashback to King Harold and Queen Lillian] if I promised them all their problems would disappear. [King Harold writing the contract] And then they disappeared! [King Harold and Queen Lillian then began screaming as they disappeared, dropping their crowns to the floor. The flashback ends as he holds the King's crown, sighs happily] They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.
Shrek: I ended Fiona’s curse!
Rumpelstiltskin: How could you? When you never existed?
Shrek: You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
Rumpelstiltskin: [pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract] Here, let me spell out for ya: You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [starts scatting "Happy Birthday"]
Shrek: [shocked] You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin: No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek: Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--
Rumpelstiltskin: But you haven’t heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you!
[The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running.]
Shrek: Where's Fiona? [demanding] WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!
Rumpelstiltskin: Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don’t exist. [Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making him more enraged. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more] How’s that for a metaphysical paradox?! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! [mockingly] HAPPY OGRE-DAY!
Shrek: [livid] RUMPEL!! [He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.] AAAAAHHHH!
Rumpelstiltskin: GET HIM! GET HIM, WITCHES!
[A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring.]
Donkey: You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.
[Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiralling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well.]
Witch: Come on, girls!
[Five of the witches leapt off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried to get the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! [kicks a witch] Do it!
[The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact.]
Shrek: [calls back] I'll be right back, Donkey! [zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.]
Donkey: I don't know you. [to Rumpelstiltskin] I don’t know him. [The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.]
Donkey: I’m glad I’m not you. [Rumpelstiltskin ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.]
Donkey: HELP ME! HELP!!!
[Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea.]
Donkey: OH, NO! HELP!
[With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centrepiece. He grabbed the chain and began to swing around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair.]
Rumpelstiltskin: No, not my pretty ball!
[The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling.]
Shrek: [covers Donkey's eyes] Watch out!
[The two then smashed straight through the skylight, with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump.]
Rumpelstiltskin: [turns on Wolf] Wolfe... my angry wig.
[The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig. Wolf walked away as well before Rumpelstiltskin breathed in anger.]