[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shining down. This beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes, revealing Prince Charming riding his valiant steed, Chauncey, across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's just-washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, majestic, glorious, flowing, marvellous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck-length blond hair around his face.]
Prince Charming Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stagehand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stagehand turns a crank that creates the background music. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stagehands backstage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.]
This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!
Me, too. [his nose grows]
Prince Charming [rides to the base of the tower]
Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]
A Actress
[as the princess, leaning from the tower window]
Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.
Prince Charming [puffing his chest out]
Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. [An old couple at a table look confused]
OL Old Lady
[to the old man]
What did she say? [Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince costume comes onstage. The whole crowd erupts into applause.]
Prince Charming [ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince]
Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
W Waiter
[singing while carrying a birthday cake]
Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee
Prince Charming Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]
Do you mind?! Boring! [The audience laughs]
Prince Charming [glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple]
Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princess's window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.
H Heckler
[off-screen]
We already are! [They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]
OM Ogre Mascot
Grr! [The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His makeshift dressing room is in an alleyway across the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away is seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't Stop Believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]
Prince Charming [heavy sobs]
Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother: I will restore dignity to my throne! [A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [Crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises, and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]
Good morning. [dreaming] Morning breath.
[Shrek breathes in and smiles] [dreaming]
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
[The bedroom doors fly open, and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.] [singing]
Good morning, good morning! [Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused] The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning [coming closer and closer to Shrek] To you! [to Fiona] And you! [to the Dronkeys] And you! [the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] They grow up so fast.
[greatly annoyed]
Not fast enough. [lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]
[leaps onto the bed]
Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.
[very sarcastically]
Great! Let's get started. [immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]
Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] AAH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
[Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stained glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the beginning titles are superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous.] [holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his rapier.]
I knight thee. [accidentally stabs the knight in the head.] Heh, heh. Ooh.
[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat, and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them.]
Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!
R Raul
[stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow]
Ahem. I will see what I can do.
[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chainsaw. He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.]
Ow!
[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoehorn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. A collar is placed around Fiona's neck, and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]
[rolls his eyes]
Yeah, wow.
[feeling uncomfortable]
Uh, is this really necessary?
R Raul
[to Shrek]
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!
Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
[Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona.
I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] Shrek?
Ah. Come here, you. [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips, and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air.] Oh, my butt is itching up a storm, and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. [tries to scratch his butt but to no avail] Oh. [whistles] Hey, you! Come here. [a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] What's your name?
F Fiddlesworth
Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
A Announcer
[The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]
Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek and Princess Fiona
[The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's behind.]
Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.
[Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]
Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.
Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!
Shrek! [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]
[stumbling through the crowd, screamed]
Ow! My eye! My eye! [grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]
W Woman
What are you doing?! [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona manoeuvres to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase, which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]
Fiona! [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air, where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him]
F Fiddlesworth
Uhhh... [whimpers]
[has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor]
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. [her eyes widen]
F Fiddlesworth
[his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers]
Ahhhh!!! [The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]
Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.]
Prince Charming [At the Poison Apple Pub...]
What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? [Mabel turns around in front of him] Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off?
M Mabel
She's not welcome here, and neither are you. [spits into the mug] What do you want, Charming? [wipes the mug with a cloth]
Prince Charming Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... [laughs] and a Fuzzy Navel. [stands up and turns to the villains] And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!
[The repsonse wasn't taken well for the bar patrons; Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch bares her teeth, sneering, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily smashes his beer mug]
We're not your friends. [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] And you don't belong here.
Prince Charming You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?
C Cyclops
Do a number on his face!
Prince Charming No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. [to the Evil Queen] Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and then what happened?
EQ Evil Queen
Oh, what's it to you?
Prince Charming They left you the unfairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?
EQ Evil Queen
[remorsefully]
Pretty unfair.
Prince Charming [to Stromboli]
And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.
S Stromboli
I hate that little wooden puppet.
Prince Charming [turns to Hook]
And Hook...need I say more? [Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage] And you! Frumpy-pigskin.
R Rumpelstiltskin
Rumpelstiltskin.
Prince Charming Where's that first-born you were promised? [Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; to Mabel] Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? [Mabel sighs remorsefully] Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has EVER done you wrong! [turns his attention to all the villains] Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their Happily Ever After!?
[The villains cheer rowdily, but then start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]
Prince Charming [Prince Charming becomes frustrated; he turns Pinocchio's head towards him]
You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek?
[turns his body around, thinks nervously]
Well...I don't know where he's not.
Prince Charming [gets in Pinocchio's face]
You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is?
[still a little nervous]
It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect.
Prince Charming So you do know where he is.
On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably.
Prince Charming [angrily]
Stop it.
I do not know where he shouldn't be. [Captain Hook scratches his head; even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated] If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't.
[continues to singing "Lollipop Song"]
On the good ship Lollipop...
H Heimlich
ENOUGH! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! [gasps in horror for Shrek's reveal and Pinocchio chuckles nervously]
Prince Charming He's bringing back the next heir?
No! [Pinocchio's nose gets longer]
Prince Charming Hook! Get rid of this new king.
Prince Charming But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him.
He'll never fall for your tricks! [Pinocchio's nose gets longer again]
[confronts Charming in the dressing room]
Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
Prince Charming Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button]
[grabs him]
Where's Fiona?
Prince Charming Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down.] Let me guess. Arthur.
[facing him]
It's "Artie", actually.
Prince Charming This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.
Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.
Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?
You weren't really next in line for the throne; I was!
[angered]
But you said the king asked for me personally.
What's that supposed to mean?
Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job; I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go!
[shocked and hurt]
You were playing me the whole time?
You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.
[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]
You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you...
Prince Charming What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out of the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek.
[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]
[off-screen]
Everybody, stop!
Prince Charming [exasperated]
Oh, what is it now?!
[jumping and leaping onto the stage]
Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?
But we are villains. It's the only thing we know.
Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?
ET Evil Tree Steve
Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.
Prince Charming You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them!
ET Evil Tree Ed
[covering Charming's mouth]
What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.
ET Evil Tree Steve
Right. Thanks, Ed.
Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. [Shrek smiles] The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you.
No, no, no, no! W-what I mean is, each of you is standing in your own way.
V Villains
[realizing]
Ah/Oh.
HH Headless Horseman
[sniffled]
I've always wanted to play the flute.
EQ Evil Queen
I'd like to open up a spa… in France!
I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. [smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]
[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the axe from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high-fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming frees himself from the Evil Tree and charges at them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it, aiming for Artie. Despite his fear, Artie stands his ground bravely. Just as Charming charges, Shrek steps in front of Artie and gets impaled by the sword, collapsing to the floor and groaning in pain.]
Prince Charming [beliving he killed Shrek; laughs evilly, and turn to the audience]
A new era finally begins! [the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie] Now, all of you, bow before your king!
[rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock]
You need to work on your aim. [takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]
Prince Charming [disbelief]
This was supposed to be my Happily Ever After!
Well, I guess you need to keep looking... [looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming] 'cause I'm not giving up mine. [throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]
Prince Charming [Dragon pushes the tower with her tail] [looking up; also last words before his death]
Mommy?
[The tower crushes Charming, killing him.]
