6th most-quoted character in Shrek the Third (2007): in 7 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Shrek (6), Donkey (3), Puss in Boots (2)
Artie Please don't eat me
Eat him eat him...
I'm not here to eat him!
Aww...
It's time for toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of far far away.
Artie What?
Artie I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.
Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally.
Artie Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.
It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.
Artie Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.
Artie Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses.
It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They've got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.
Artie Oh, yeah? What do they do?
They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.
Artie Poisoned?
Artie Bodyguards?
All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.
Artie Really?
Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.
Just make sure they don't die of famine.
Or plague.
Oh, plague is bad.
The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.
Oh. Festering sores. [sternly to Puss] Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.
What did I say?
We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. [motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.] Uh, Artie?
Oh, there goes my hip.
Artie! What are you doing? [turns the wheel the other way]
Artie What does it look like?!
This really isn't up to you.
Artie But I don't know anything about being king!
You'll learn on the job!
Artie Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.
Back to what? Being a loser?! [As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.] Now look what you did!
Artie Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?
SHREK!!
LAND HO!
Artie Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh?
Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father!
Artie What?
Artie "You're gonna be king!" [reverts back to his normal voice] Yeah, right. [walks away]
Where do you think you're going?!
Artie Far Far Away... from you!
You get back here, young man, and I mean it!
[But Artie didn't turn around and continues walking away.]
Artie This is lame.
You're lame.
Artie Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!
Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.
Artie He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.
I'm gonna lose it! [continues trying to keep his cool]
Artie I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?
Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!!!!
I just lost it.
Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.
Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!
Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button]
Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down.] Let me guess. Arthur.
Artie It's "Artie", actually.
This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.
Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.
Artie Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?
You weren't really next in line for the throne; I was!
Artie But you said the king asked for me personally.
Not exactly.
Artie What's that supposed to mean?
Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job; I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go!
Artie You were playing me the whole time?
You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.
Artie You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you...
What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out of the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek.
[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]
Artie Everybody, stop!
Artie Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?
But we are villains. It's the only thing we know.
Artie Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?
Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.
You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them!
What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.
Right. Thanks, Ed.
Artie Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. [Shrek smiles] The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you.
Me?
Get him, lads!
Artie No, no, no, no! W-what I mean is, each of you is standing in your own way.
Ah/Oh.
I've always wanted to play the flute.
I'd like to open up a spa… in France!
I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. [smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]
[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the axe from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high-fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming frees himself from the Evil Tree and charges at them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it, aiming for Artie. Despite his fear, Artie stands his ground bravely. Just as Charming charges, Shrek steps in front of Artie and gets impaled by the sword, collapsing to the floor and groaning in pain.]
A new era finally begins! [the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie] Now, all of you, bow before your king!
You need to work on your aim. [takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]
Well, I guess you need to keep looking... [looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming] 'cause I'm not giving up mine. [throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]
Mommy?
[The tower crushes Charming, killing him.]
Shrek
Mike Myers
Donkey
Eddie Murphy
Puss in Boots
Antonio Banderas
Prince Charming
Rupert Everett
Fiona
Cameron Diaz
Captain Hook
Ian McShane
Pinocchio
Cody Cameron
Cinderella
Amy Sedaris
Rapunzel
Maya Rudolph
Snow White
Doris
Larry King
Gingy
King Harold and Queen Lillian and others
Sleeping Beauty
Cheri Oteri
Arthur
