“I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from...” – Artie, Shrek the Third ... Movie Quotes Database

Artie

[The ship cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.]

I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.

Shrek

Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally.

Artie

Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.

Shrek

It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

Artie

Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.

Shrek

[chuckles sheepishly]

Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks.

Artie

Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses.

Donkey

It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They've got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.

Puss

[jumps up onto the railing next to Artie]

And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters.

Artie

[intrigued]

Oh, yeah? What do they do?

Puss

They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.

Artie

Poisoned?

Shrek

[senses trouble and immediately steps in]

Or too salty. [tries to shut Puss and Donkey up]

Donkey

[to Artie]

Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards.

Artie

Bodyguards?

Puss

All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.

Artie

Really?

Puss

Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.

Donkey

[Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "Shut up!" to Puss and Donkey.]

Just make sure they don't die of famine.

Puss

Or plague.

Donkey

Oh, plague is bad.

Puss

The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.

Shrek

[interrupts with a mock laugh]

Oh. Festering sores. [sternly to Puss] Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.

Puss

What did I say?

Shrek

We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. [motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.] Uh, Artie?

Captain

[The boat suddenly pitches to the left. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken captain slides by.]

Oh, there goes my hip.

Shrek

Artie! What are you doing? [turns the wheel the other way]

Artie

[The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffleboard stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it angrily.]

What does it look like?!

Shrek

[He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches again. Artie swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises and grabs the wheel and turns it.]

This really isn't up to you.

Artie

[falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way]

But I don't know anything about being king!

Shrek

You'll learn on the job!

Artie

[Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. Shrek and Artie continue fighting over the wheel.]

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.

Shrek

Back to what? Being a loser?! [As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.] Now look what you did!

Artie

Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?

Donkey

[climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead]

SHREK!!

Captain

[Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. But it was too late. The ship crashes into the rocks, sending everyone and everything off.]

LAND HO!

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