Donkey
That's right fool! Now I'm a FLYING talking donkey! You mighta seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY FLY!
Movies
Shrek (2001)
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001)
Shrek 2 (2004)
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)
Mulan (1998)
Trading Places (1983)
The Haunted Mansion (2003)
The Nutty Professor (1996)
Shrek the Third (2007)
I Spy (2002)
48 Hrs. (1982)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Daddy Day Care (2003)
Shrek Forever After (2010)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
Another 48 Hrs. (1990)
Coming to America (1988)
Dreamgirls (2006)
Meet Dave (2008)
Shrek (2001)
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001)
Shrek 2 (2004)
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)
Mulan (1998)
Trading Places (1983)
The Haunted Mansion (2003)
The Nutty Professor (1996)
Shrek the Third (2007)
I Spy (2002)
48 Hrs. (1982)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Daddy Day Care (2003)
Shrek Forever After (2010)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
Another 48 Hrs. (1990)
Coming to America (1988)
Dreamgirls (2006)
Meet Dave (2008)
Donkey
Donkey
When I get outta here, I'm gonna need some serious therapy! Look at my eye twitching!
Donkey
(after Shrek roars, trying to scare him off)
Wow! That was REALLY scary, and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, cause yo' breath STINKS!
Dr. John Dolittle
Oh, I didn't just poke a bear. 'Cause if I poke a bear, a bear would be mauling me, so no matter what I poke, it sure ain't no bear!
Dr. John Dolittle
What are you drinking?
Monkey
It's Gatorade.
John
[sniffs water pouch]
Gatorade made wine, now?
Archie
[During Archie's detention, as John and Charisse visit him.]
Looks like I wasn't meant to be loved.
Charisse
Everyone's meant to be loved.
John
Yes, everyone's meant to- [caught by surprise at Charisse's newfound ability] Charisse!
Donkey
[in the argument at the dinner table]
I got to go to the bathroom. (Dinner is served) Never mind, I can hold it!
Donkey
Come on, Shrek, it only seems bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
Donkey
It's gonna be champagne wishes and caviar dreams from now on!
Axel Foley
What are you staring at? What is this, a union job? Well, we don't give OSHA breaks here. Move, bitch!
Axel Foley
[picking up on Bobby and his daughter's relationship]
Have you two had intercourse?
Axel Foley
You're my only child, right? And I've only been a father as long as you've been a daughter. We're making this up as we go along, we both are.
Mushu
(to Mulan)
Fine! Dishonor! Dishonor on you, dishonor on ya cow!
Mushu
[Mulan fired rocket (with Mushu on it) at mountain instead of at Shan Yu]
You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet in front of you!
Mushu
I'm travel-sized for your convenience. If I was my real size, your cow here would die of fright. (Khan snorts angrily at him) Down, Bessie!
Billy Ray Valentine
[after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail]
That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.
Billy Ray Valentine
[watching cops subduing an unruly suspect]
May I suggest using your night stick officer?
Billy Ray Valentine
[while acting blind and legless]
Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!
Jim Evers
(opening line)
It's fantastic isn't it. Sometimes, when you step into a house, you know straight away whether its good.
Jim Evers
(catchphrase)
Hello, Jim Evers, of Evers & Evers Real Estate?
Jim Evers
If people see you're scared, they'll use it against you - look, I'm your dad, and I'm not scared!?
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks?
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! NO TITTIES! [to an attractive woman next to him] Not you, me. I’m talking about me. My titties are gone. Your titties are lovely. What’s your name?
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept myself for who I am.
Papa Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)
Buddy Love
[During this fight, the alternating control of Klump/Love's joint body is represented by Love's normal face bulging out to resemble Sherman's]
SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!
Sherman Klump
NO, I DON'T!
Buddy Love
[slaps Sherman]
You fat ass!
Sherman Klump
[slaps Buddy]
Tinkerbell!
Buddy Love
[slaps Sherman]
Blubber butt!
Sherman Klump
[slaps Buddy]
Featherweight!
Papa Klump
Somebody better call an exorcist!
Buddy Love
Sherman! Sherman! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!
Papa Klump
This is some scary shit!
Sherman Klump
[punches Buddy several times]
YES... I... CAN!!!!!
Ana Klump
[Buddy's watch beeps; he starts to feel dizzy]
Sherman, come back here! [claps her hands] Sherman!
Buddy Love
[clutches his head]
What's happenin' to me? Everything's gettin' real dark! Oh, I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me! I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman, no matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.
Buddy Love
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration - look out, David Copperfield - I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear FOREVER! [produces a vial of serum]
Jason
[off-screen]
NOOO!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I can not... let you do this... any more! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
Papa Klump
Oh, that's it! I'm glad I brought my knife! [reaches into his pocket]
Mama Klump
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse]
Jason
[to Buddy]
Hand over the vial now!
Buddy Love
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy! But first, a short musical interlude! [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]
Carla Purty
[angry]
BUDDY! What has gotten into you, and where's Sherman?!
Buddy Love
Sherman is GONE! Disappeared! [more gasps; Mama and Papa Klump look at each other in confusion] And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! [his watch beeps] Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
Jason
I hate being called "hamster boy". [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]
Buddy Love
[amused]
You just don't know when to quit, do you? [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once more]
Donkey
(discovering Shrek and Fiona nude in bed)
: AAAAH!! You know, you really need to get yourselves a pair of jammies.
Donkey
(singing to Shrek and Fiona)
: Good morning...good morning...to you and you and yooooou.
Donkey
(after seeing the villains, with Captain Hook on a piano)
: Look out! They got a piano!
Kelly Robinson
[To Alex]
Let me show you something a little Kelly Robinson style. Hold on, here we go!
Kelly Robinson
[High on gas fumes in the sewers of Budapest, tearing up, to Alex]
We twins.
Kelly Robinson
Hey, I can see you, and me, and you, and... oh, I like this!
Reggie Hammond
I've been in prison for three years. My dick gets hard if the wind blows.
Reggie
This is your car, man?
Jack
Yeah.
Reggie
Looks like you bought this off one of the brothers.
Reggie
**** bastard.
Jack
That I am.
Axel Foley
Are you driving with your eyes open? Or are you, like, using "the force"?
Axel Foley
[Upon entering the pool area on the Playboy mansion]
Jesus Christ! [Then to his crotch] Wake up! This is what we've always talked about! Look alive! You may never see it again! [to Billy and Taggert as he takes a large step] I don't wanna step on your tongues, excuse me.
Axel Foley
[Axel sees Rosewood with a huge pistol]
Yo, man! What's that for?
Billy Rosewood
After the shootout at the club, I figured I needed more firepower.
Axel Foley
Yo man, we gotta talk, seriously. Who do you think you are, Clint Eastwood? Dirty Rosewood?
Charlie
If you don't stop it with that Star Trek stuff, I'm gonna push you in that sticker bush.
Charlie
[walking into Chapman Academy]
Look at this place. It's Princeton for preschoolers.
Charlie
[while leading Miss Harridan into his house]
Is there anything I can get you to drink? Coffee, tea, water, eye of newt?
Pinocchio
[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh– sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.
Rumpelstiltskin
Uh– M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Pinocchio
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
Rumpelstiltskin
[Looking devious]
Do you wanna be?
Pinocchio
[Cut to Pinocchio kicking him out]
Nobody needs your deals anymore, Grumple Stinkypants!
Rumpelstiltskin
[Coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page]
I wish that ogre was never born!
Rumpelstiltskin
You gave me a day from your past. A day you wouldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [Starts humming Happy Birthday to You]
Shrek
You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.
Puss
Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!
Donkey
Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!
Puss
And you, are ri-donkey-lous!
Donkey
[Beat. Then both laugh]
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
Donkey
I do?
Shrek
You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [Not listening] I'm a daddy?
Shrek
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once– [He blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] –then I can do it again.
Shrek [Enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Puss
[Green eyes are shown in the shadows of a cat condo]
You should not be here.....señor.
Shrek
Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
Puss
[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek
Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa– [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!
Puss
Do I know you?
Shrek
Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?
Puss
Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]
Shrek
But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss
Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek
[under his breath]
That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek
Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Puss
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
Rumpelstiltskin
So... you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek
No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Shrek
Stop! Where are you going?
Fiona
To save my friends.
Shrek
How, by getting yourself killed?
Fiona
If that's what it takes.
Shrek
Puss, say something.
Fiona
[suspicious]
Puss?
Puss
L-Let me explain.
Fiona
So that's how you knew so much about me!
Shrek
Fiona, wait! [jumping in front of her] Kiss me!
Fiona
What?
Shrek
It's the only way to save your friends!
Fiona
Get out of my way! [walks past him]
Shrek
You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
Shrek
[Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek's confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes at her mouth]
I don't understand. [frustrated] This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Fiona
[sarcastically]
Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek
[pleading]
Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!
Fiona
And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? [voice cracking] Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek
But... but I'm your true love.
Fiona
Then where were you when I needed you?
Donkey
[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can't bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]
Maybe you kissed her... wrong?
Shrek
No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
Puss
It seems that we are safe.
Donkey
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek
Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Donkey
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow–
Shrek
Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!
Donkey
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek
Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! Alright? [He sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had.
Fiona
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek
[sullenly]
No. You were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the dragon's keep, but...everyday since.
Fiona
[smiles softly]
Well, you're here now.
Shrek/Fiona
[about ogres using their noses as a horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Butterpants
Do the roar!
Shrek
Uh, roar.
Butterpants
I don't like it.
Donkey
[During the main event–]
♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ♪ And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah– ♪
Shrek
Donkey?
Donkey
And Puss– [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]
Puss
–In Boots!
Shrek
[Last lines]
You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Fiona
[smiles slightly, confused]
You did.
Shrek
No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]
Butter Pants' father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar.
Butter Pants
Do the roar.
Shrek
Uh, roar.
Butter Pants
[unimpressed]
I don't like it.
Shrek
Pigs, we need another cake.
Heimlich
But we ate ze other cakes.
[The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them.] Butter Pants' father: Come on, man. One roar!
Donkey
Hey, everybody. Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! [The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar.]
Shrek
Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes?
Dieter
We ate them, too.
Heimlich
Zhey have lollipops.
Horst
No, I ate them.
Dieter
What, you didn't share?
Horst
[frowns]
Well, you didn't share the croissants!
Shrek
[The babies cried some more.]
Everything's gonna be okay.
Princess Fiona
[came and took her kids, holding them.]
Shrek, what's going on?
Donkey
[Butterpants was hugging Donkey.]
Come on, Shrek! Your fans are waitin'.
Butterpants
Do the roar.
Crowd
[Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough; he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it.]
Do the roar! Do the roar!
Fiona
We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
Shrek
[Shrek couldn't hold it in anymore, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar at the top of his lungs that nearly blew everyone away, even ButterPants' hat was blown off.]
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
Butterpants
[Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a moment until they all cheered.] [chuckles as he hugs his dad]
I love you, daddy.
Puss in Boots
[Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance.]
Everybody, I have found... [lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] Another cake!
Fiona
[Everyone started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband's face as he handed Felicia to her mother.]
Shrek, are you okay?
Everyone
[Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him.] [chanting]
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Enraged, Shrek then slams his big fist into the cake's center after furiously ogre roars, making everyone gasp in shock. He gave a miserable stare at everybody, and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off.]
Donkey
[Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.]
Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek
Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
Donkey
[Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.]
Uh-oh.
Shrek
[The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out in the direction of the two.] [ducks]
Look out!
Shrek
[But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifted the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.]
Donkey! Are you OK?
Donkey
I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Shrek
Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Donkey
Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
Ogre #1
Watch your head.
Ogre #2
[He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.]
Hey, it's a new guy!
Ogre #3
Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
Gretched
He's really tiny, isn’t he?
Ogre #2
Yeah.
Brogan
[Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.]
Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
Ogre #3
[The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.]
Let's go, greenie.
Shrek
Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
Brogan
Here you go.
Brogan
[An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witches' clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy and brawled with it. Shrek]
Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek
[confused]
Resistance?
Brogan
[puts arm around Shrek]
We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
Shrek
[about soldiers using their horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Donkey
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
Shrek
I'll take him! This order's to go.
Cookie
Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Shrek
Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
Donkey
I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Shrek
Let go!
Cookie
Don't make Papa mad.
Shrek
Your dinner is my friend!
Brogan
Come on, guys!
Cookie
I got to get the giblets out!
Ogres
She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
Shrek
[happily]
Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
Princess Fiona
[Fiona kicks him in the jaw and sends him flying, yelling in slow motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced, while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.] [walked up to him, handing her axe to Gretched.]
Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
Shrek
[Shrek looked very worried at her] [confused]
You don't know who I am, do you?
Princess Fiona
No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
Shrek
[pleaded]
Fiona.
Princess Fiona
[to Gretched]
Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
Shrek
I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona
[turns on Shrek, annoyed]
What is it?!
Shrek
[calmly]
OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Princess Fiona
Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
Shrek
[The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.] [pleading]
Fiona, I need to...
Princess Fiona
[But Fiona held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.]
Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Shrek
Fiona!
Donkey
Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek
[grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.]
Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Brogan
Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Princess Fiona
Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
Donkey
[Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were.] [to Shrek]
That's your wife?
Shrek
That’s my wife.
Donkey
Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]
Axel Foley
[Foley hands the keys to his beat-up car to a valet]
Can you put this in a good spot for me? 'Cause all this shit happened last time I parked here.
Axel Foley
[in a strip club]
Billy, you know, you don't have to be embarrassed if your dick gets hard. Your dick is supposed to get hard. See? That's the whole object of this. Taggart's dick is hard, but he won't let you know 'cause he's the boss. Boss' dick got to stay limp, right? See, I ain't on duty so my dick can be hard.
Axel Foley
This is the cleanest and nicest police car I've ever been in in my life. This thing's nicer than my apartment.
Axel Foley
I told you I was investigating a crime, and I think I'm in the right place as I've been here ten minutes and I've already been shot at.
Axel Foley
[To Wonderworld Park Security]
You know you should have your tailor cut your jackets a little wider in the chest, that way your gun won't bulge in the back.
Axel Foley
[To CIA Agents]
Police Officer trying to catch a goddamned killer! Move it! Move it! Get the **** out of my way! I'm a cop!
Maximillian
(As Preacher Pauley)
: Evil is good, and ass is good, and if you find you a piece of evil ass, WOO!
Maximillian
Interesting. I've been stabbed, and I've been hanged, and I've been burned. Even broken on the rack once, but I've never been shot before. It kind of itches a little.
Maximillian
(after being staked in gut)
: Let me give you an anatomy lesson. This [points] is my stomach. This [points] is my heart. Stomach. Heart. Stomach. Heart.
Reggie Hammond
When you've been in prison as long as I have, you remember every story about pussy you ever heard.
Reggie Hammond
Let me tell you something, Jack. If shit was worth something, poor people would be born with no asshole.
Reggie
They blew up my car! They blew up my car! They blew up my car!
Jack
It's a damn shame.
Reggie
They blew up my goddamn car and all you have to say is it's a damn shame?
Jack
No car, no money, you're having a bad day!
Darryl
[During basketball game at Madison Square Garden] [sarcastically]
So, what do you people play in Africa? Chase the monkey?
Akeem
No, our favorite game there is football, but I believe you call it [Patrice rubs him] SOCCER!!!
Akeem
[stepping out to fire escape after checking out room]
Behold, Semmi. Life. Real life! A thing that we have been denied for far too long! [shouts] Good morning, my neighbors!
Neighbor
Hey, **** you!
Akeem
Yes, yes. **** you too!
Prince Akeem
[Akeem chases Lisa in the subway train]
Lisa, please. I did not mean to hurt you.
Lisa McDowell
Well, at least I know who gave me these. [Removes earrings] Well, you can keep 'em. I don't want them [throws earrings at Akeem] and I don't want you!
Akeem
[follows Lisa to another car]
Lisa, Lisa-
Lisa
Look, just leave me alone!
Akeem
Lisa, please. I love you.
Lisa
What about the woman you're supposed to marry?
Akeem
I do not love her. Why do you think I came to America?
Lisa
Oh, your father told me to sow your royal oats!
Akeem
Oh, no. I came to America to find my bride. I came to Queens to find you.
Lisa
So why did you lie to me? Why didn't you just say that you were a prince?
Akeem
Because I wanted you to love me for who I am.
Lisa
I'm not sure who you are anymore.
Akeem
I'm the man you fell in love with. Should it matter that I am a prince?
Lisa
You shouldn't, but I-
Akeem
Just tell me you didn't love me when you thought I was a goat herder, and I will never bother you ever again.
Lisa
[thinks about what Akeem said]
It just wouldn't work out, we're too different. You're royalty, for God's sake!
Akeem
You want me to renounce my throne? I will. [calls out to passengers] From this moment on, I renounce my throne. I'm no longer the prince of Zamunda. I renounce my throne! [back to Lisa after passengers feel indifferent] Does this make you happy?
Lisa
[looks at nearby passengers]
I can't let you do that.
Akeem
I do not care about my crown. All I care about is you. Marry me, Lisa.
Black Man
[to white woman beside him]
So what do you think?
White Woman
Go on, honey. Take a chance!
Lisa
[after train arrives at next stop]
Look, I'm sorry I can't. [Tearful] Goodbye Akeem.
James "Thunder" Early
Hey, I got soul! You can't kill a man with soul!
James "Thunder" Early
I can't do it no more. I can't sing no more sad songs.
James "Thunder" Early
Jimmy want a rib, Jimmy want a steak, Jimmy want a piece of your chocolate cake!
Dave Ming Chang
[greeting various people inside the Old Navy store]
Welcome to Old Navy!
Gina
[Dave is looking at a picture of Gina's late husband]
Captain?
Dave
Yes?
Gina
That's my husband. He was a captain with the Navy.
Dave
I am a captain.
Gina
Really? A captain of what?
Dave
[Inside the ship, Number 3 looks something up.]
I am a captain of crunch.
Gina
[In an alley outside Gina's apartment sometime after she hits Dave with her car.]
Hi, are you all right? Because you just ran off!
Captain
Contact, everyone! Our first verbal encounter! [into microphone] Thank you for your concern.
Dave
[speaks with extremely high pitch; bottles explode in background]
Thank you for your concern.
Captain
It's way too high! More bass!
Dave
[speaks in extremely low pitch]
Thank you for your concern.
Captain
Level the frequency!
Dave
[speaking perfectly]
I'm all better now.
Josh
[to Gina]
How hard did you hit this guy?