Most-quoted character in Trading Places (1983): in 25 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Louis Winthorp III (8), Randolph Duke (7), Coleman (5)
That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.
Billy Ray Valentine Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!
Billy Ray Valentine May I suggest using your night stick officer?
Billy Ray Valentine When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.
Billy Ray Valentine Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.
Billy Ray Valentine Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.
Billy Ray I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.
Big Black Guy Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?
Billy Ray Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?
Cellmate #2 Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?
Big Black Guy You beatin' 10 cops. How come I don't see no bruises on you?
Billy Ray 'Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking mother****er! So get outta my face!
Billy Ray Hey, sorry about that.
It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
Billy Ray You want me to break something else?
NO!
Billy Ray What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?
Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.
Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.
He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
Billy Ray You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Why not?
Billy Ray 'Cause it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get 20 years for that shit.
Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.
Billy Ray Merry New Year!
Beeks That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!
Would you like a sip of whiskey?
Billy Ray I do not drink, it is against my religion!
Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.
Nenge? Nenge Mboko? It is me, Lionel Joseph!
Billy Ray Lionel! From the African Education Conference!
Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.
Billy Ray I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!
Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah! Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah!
Billy Ray Oh, memories!
Billy Ray Open the door, man!
Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?
Billy Ray Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!
Billy Ray Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Billy Ray Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Billy Ray Thank you, Louis.
After you.
Billy Ray Certainly.
Billy Ray Yeah, I forgot about that guy.
Looking good, Billy Ray!
Billy Ray Feeling good, Louis!
Your … friends seemed to enjoy themselves, sir. In all, I'd say it was quite a success.
Billy Ray They wasn't no "friends" of mine, Coleman. Just a bunch'a freeloaders treatin' my house like it was a goddamn zoo.
Why don't you retire, sir? You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.
Billy Ray Yeah...I think I will, uh, "retire."
Billy Ray No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
This is not a meal, Valentine. We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.
We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast, … wheat, which is used to make bread, … pork bellies, which is used to make bacon - which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera] And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice, … and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges. [He chuckles] Clear so far?
Billy Ray Yeah.
Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy, or sell, their gold for them.
Tell him the good part.
The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Billy Ray Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies!
Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long - which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' batshit. They're thinking, "Hey, we're losin' all our goddamn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming, "SELL! SELL!" 'Cuz they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!
He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
Billy Ray I'd wait till you get to around sixty-four, then I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Money isn't everything, Randolph!
This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64. Mr. Valentine has set the price.
Oh, dear!
Billy Ray It … was … the … Dukes! It … was … the … Dukes!
You're a DEAD MAN, Valentine!!! [Coleman and Ophelia pull him off Valentine]
Billy Ray It was an experiment! They used us as guinea pigs, man! [Louis calms down] The Dukes used us as guinea pigs, to see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.
I'm afraid it's true, sir.
I believe him, Louie.
The Dukes … ruined my life … over a bet. For how much?
Billy Ray A dollar.
One dollar. Fine. That's the way they want it? No problem.
Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Billy Ray Yeah, I forgot all about that guy.
Okay, one male gorilla.
Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.
One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa. It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, take a look. They're in love.
[The male gorilla grunts contentedly]
