Shrek (2001) · 110 quotes
Most-quoted character in Shrek (2001): in 66 of its 110 quotes
Most scenes with: Shrek (35), Princess Fiona (13), Fiona (5)
That's right fool! Now I'm a FLYING talking donkey! You mighta seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY FLY!
Donkey Wow! That was REALLY scary, and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, cause yo' breath STINKS!
Donkey ...and then I ate some rotten berries. Man, I had some strong gases eatin' outta my butt that day!
Donkey You hear that? She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed!
Donkey Blue flower, red thorns, blue flower, red thorns... this would be so much easier if I wasn't colorblind!
Donkey No one likes a kiss-ass.
Donkey You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!
Donkey Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet!
Donkey Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down at his hooves) I DON'T HAVE ANY TOES! (sadly) I think I need a hug...
Donkey When I get outta here, I'm gonna need some serious therapy! Look at my eye twitching!
Donkey Nobody move! I have a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it!
Donkey I'M A DONKEY ON EDGE!
Donkey Don't die on me, Shrek. Oh, and if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
Donkey Princess, you're not that ugly. Well, all right, you are ugly; I ain't gonna lie to you. But you're only like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7!
Donkey Wow! Let's do that again!
Donkey DRAGON!
Donkey Oh, what large teeth you have! [Dragon roars] I-I-I-I...
Donkey Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
Donkey Princess, where are you? It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
Donkey That's what friends are for.
Donkey All right, nobody move! I've got a dragon, and I'm not afraid to use it! I'm a donkey on the edge!
Do you know what that thing could do to you?
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
Oh...
Donkey Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Donkey Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Donkey This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories and in the morning, I'm making WAFFLES. [pause] Umm, where do I sleep?
OUTSIDE!
Welcome to DuLoc, such a perfect town
Here we have some rules, let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is a perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face!
DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect... place! [camera flash]
Donkey Let's do that again!!
Donkey So, you gotta go to this abandoned castle, get past a dragon and rescue a princess so Farquaad gives you back your swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that right?
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey I guess you don't, uh... entertain much, do you?
I like my privacy.
Donkey Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
Donkey ... Can I stay with you?
What?
Donkey Can I stay with you... please?
Donkey Really?
No.
Donkey PLEASE, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay!
Donkey Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Donkey Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
Donkey Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Oh, aye?
Donkey Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
Donkey You know what I mean.
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
Donkey No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Donkey Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey How do you know that?
I read it in a book once.
Donkey So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
Donkey I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
You didn't slay the dragon?!
It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying... That's what all the other knights did!
Donkey Hi, princess!
It TALKS!
Yeah, but it's getting him to SHUT UP that's the trick!
But how will you kiss me?
What? That wasn't in the job description!
Donkey Maybe it's a perk!
Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
You're a monster.
I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?
Eat me! [spits]
I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME, OR I'LL ---
No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
All right, then, who's hiding them?!
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
The muffin man?
The muffin man.
Yes, I know the muffin man. W-Who lives down Drury Lane?
Well, she's married to the muffin man...
The muffin man?
The muffin man!
She's married to the muffin man...
Well that's not very nice. [looks at Donkey] It's just a donkey.
Donkey Whoa! Look at that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
That would be my home.
Donkey Oh, and it is LOVELY! Just BEAUTIFUL! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget! [looks at boulder] I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Donkey Shrek?! Oh my word! YOU ATE THE PRINCESS!
For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey Example?
Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Donkey They stink?
Yes...NO!
Donkey Or they make you cry.
No!
Donkey Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Donkey Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Donkey You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
Donkey Parfaits may probably be the most delicious thing on the whole dang planet!
You know... I think I preferred you humming...
No no no! He talks!...He does! (Moves Donkey's lips) I can talk! I love to talk! I'm the talkingest dang thing you ever saw!
Get her out of my sight!
I have to be rescued by my true love. Not by some ogre, and... and his pet!
Donkey Well, so much for "noble steed"!
Donkey Wait a minute, now I see what's going on here. [slight pause] You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?
Why... yes! Yes, that's it, I'm terrified!
Donkey Don't worry, princess, I used to be afraid of the dark too. But that was until-- No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
Donkey No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
No, that'll take longer.
But there's... robbers in the woods!
Donkey Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
Donkey You love this woman, don't ya?
Yes.
Donkey You wanna HOLD her?
Yes!
Donkey PLEASE her?!
YES!
Donkey Then ya gotta, gotta try a little tenderness! Chicks LOVE that romantic crap!
Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Donkey Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Donkey Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Donkey Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
Donkey Hey, Shrek. What are we gonna do, when we get our swamp back?
Our swamp?
Donkey Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
Donkey You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
No! Y'think?
Donkey Are you hidin' something?
Never mind, Donkey.
Donkey Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Donkey Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Donkey Are you blocking?
I'm not blocking!
Donkey Yes you are.
Donkey Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Donkey Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere!
OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
Donkey What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
Donkey Y'know, when we met, I didn't think you were just a big stupid ugly ogre.
Yeah, I know.
Donkey So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Donkey Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
That's the moon.
All right. This one's full. Take it away!
He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we... He ho hi he, dwarf prisoners are we.
Move it along. Come on.
Next! [Guard grabs her broom]
Give me that! Your flying days are over.
That's 20 pieces of silver for the Witch. Next!
Come on!
20 pieces. [As the villager passes out]
Sit down there!
Keep quiet!
You keep quiet!
This cage is too small.
Donkey Please don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Oh, shut up.
Donkey Oh!
Next! [Geppetto steps forward and places Pinocchio down on the table] What have you got?
This little wooden puppet.
I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy!
5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take him away.
Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!
Next! What've you got? [The Old Lady drags the stubborn Donkey up to the table]
Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Oh, go ahead, little fella. [Donkey looks at the Old Lady, then to the Captain. The Captain looks back at Donkey and lifts an eyebrow]
Well? [Donkey looks back at the Captain and says nothing. The Old Lady starts to sweat.]
Oh, oh, he's just... He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est dang thing you ever saw.
Get her outta my sight. [The guards advance on The Old Lady and takes her off screaming]
No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
Donkey Hey, I can fly!
He can fly!
He can fly!
HE CAN TALK!
Donkey Ha, ha! That's right, Idiot! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a super fly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! [The pixie dust begins to wear off] Uh-oh. [Donkey falls down on the ground]
Seize him! After him! He's getting away!
Donkey Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
Are you talking to? [turns around and Donkey is gone] Me? [turns back around, Donkey shows up] Ha!
Donkey Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man, those guards! They thought they were all that. Then you showed up and bam! They were tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
That's great. Really.
Donkey Man, it's good to be free.
Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks off]
Donkey But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]
Donkey Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath *stinks!* [As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.] Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time. [Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking in muffled; he removes his hand] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gas leaking out of my butt that day.
Why...are you following me?
Donkey I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! [finishes singing]
STOP SINGING!!!! [picks up Donkey by his ears and tail] Look, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Listen, Little Donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
Donkey Uh... [looks up at Shrek] ...Really tall?
No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Donkey Nope.
Donkey Really, really?
Oh.
Donkey Man, I like you. What's your name?
Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
Donkey "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-know-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. [he and Shrek finds his home] Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?
That would be home.
Donkey And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you were quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at the rock nearby] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
Donkey I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
I like my privacy.
Donkey You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?
Uh, what?
Donkey Can I stay with you... please?
Of course!
Donkey Really? Should I go inside?
No.
Donkey Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a think! [slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay outside! Please, please!
Okay! Okay. Then stay outside. But one night only.
Donkey Ah, thank you! [Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]
Whoa! What are you...?? No, no, no!
Donkey This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses for a few seconds] I'm makin' waffles!
Ohh!!
Donkey Where do, uh, I sleep?
OUTSIDE!!
Donkey Oh... well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know, and you don't know that, so I guess I need to stay outside to do my best, you know. [sniffs] Here I go. Gd'night. [sighs; Shrek shuts the door closed] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. [singing] I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me.
Donkey I am stay outside. [Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look, and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine.
What a lovely bed!
Gotcha!
I've found some cheese!
Blah! Awful stuff.
Is that you Gorder?!
How did you know?
Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your dead broad off the table.
Where are we supposed to put it? The bed's taken.
What?
Donkey Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
Donkey I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Donkey Uh, no, not really, no.
For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Donkey Example?
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [he holds out his onion]
Donkey They stink?
Yes - - No!
Donkey Or they make you cry?
No!
Donkey Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [he throws away the onion and walks off]
Donkey Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. CAKE! [trailing after Shrek] Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. [walks passed Donkey]
Donkey You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.
NO!!!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. [whispers] See you later.
Donkey Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole darn planet.
You know, I think I preferred your humming.
Donkey Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
Donkey You afraid?
No. But.... [shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]
Donkey Oh, good. Me neither. [gets spooked and gasps] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. An unfamiliar, dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're in danger. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. [grabs the helmet and puts it on]
Donkey Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess.
The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
Donkey What makes you think she'll be there?
I read it in a book once. [walks off]
Donkey Cool. You handle The Dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
Donkey I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the-?
Donkey DRAGON!
DONKEY, LOOK OUT!!! AAH!
GOT YA!!!! [The Dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him to fly into the air.] AAAAAAH! [Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor, unconscious.]
Donkey No. Oh, no, No! [the dragon growls] Oh, what large teeth you have?! [The Dragon roars] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
Donkey I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
Donkey And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- [The Dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing her long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey] --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. [The Dragon flutters her eyes at him] What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? [Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey] Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... [coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to Princess Fiona, lying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight in shining armor. She straightens her dress, lies back down, and then quickly reaches over for a bouquet off the side table. She lies back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona, and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.]
Wha... Wha...
Wake up!
What?!
Are you Princess Fiona?
I am... [smiling] awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
But, wait, Shrek! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? [she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]
Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. [Shrek walks back, grabs Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. [Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]
You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Mm-hmm. [screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an imagine poem for me. [Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle] A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? A something! [Fiona pulls her arm out. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.]
I don't think so.
Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
Uh, Shrek.
Sir Shrek. [she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
Thanks!
You didn't slay the dragon?!
It's on my to-do list; now come on! [Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]
But-but-but- this isn't right! They were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
That's not the point! Ugh!
Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
What kind of knight are you?
One of a kind.
Donkey Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look, I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
Donkey Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
Donkey Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
Donkey Oh, y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but --
Donkey Hey, hey, don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
Donkey Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's arse. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain, and the chandelier falls onto her head, making a collar around her neck. She roars again, and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.]
Donkey Hi, Princess!
He talks!
Yeah, it's getting him to shut up; that's the trick.
[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately, there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross, and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unravelling. Dragon chases them through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.]
Okay, you two, head for the exit! [setting down Donkey and Fiona] I'll take care of The Dragon.
RUN!!
[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge, the fire burns the bridge, and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off, but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly, the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The Dragon stopped from making a mistake. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a stopped roar, then gives a sad whimper.]
Donkey Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten?
You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your… [Shrek drops her on the ground] Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better.
Donkey You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. [he and Donkey laugh]
Donkey I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
Tomorrow?! It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
But there’s robbers in the woods.
Donkey Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.
Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!!
[Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.]
Hey! Over here.
Donkey Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
Homey touches? Like what? [he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.]
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. [goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.]
Donkey You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
Donkey Shrek, what are you doing?
[Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey, who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes, and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly, the pressure of the note is too big, and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse: Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking in his sleep.]
Donkey Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it.
Donkey, wake up. [shakes him]
Donkey Huh? What?
Wake up.
Donkey What? [stretches and yawns]
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
Donkey Oh, good morning, Princess!
You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Uh, thanks.
Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. [walks off]
Donkey Shrek!
What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughs]
Donkey Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
Donkey She’s as nasty as you are.
Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
La liberte! Hey!
Princess!
Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green... [kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust] ...beast.
Hey! That’s my princess! Go find your own!
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [laughs]
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪
♪ He takes a wee percentage, ♪
♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. ♪
♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ♪
Break it down. ♪ I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... ♪
♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-
Paid. So... ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. ♪ That's bad.
That's bad.
♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
♪ I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys, 'cause I'm about to start... ♪
Man, that was annoying!
Oh, you little...! [shoots an arrow at Fiona but she handsprings out of the way]
Donkey AAAAAAH!
[Another fight sequence begins, and Fiona gives a karate yell. She handsprings over to the arrow shooter and rapidly punches him unconscious. She elbow strikes another and swats him with her braid. There is a very interesting ‘Matrix’ moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair, then takes two men down by kicking them both at the same time. With a running backflip off a tree, she punches the friar through his accordion. She knocks out another one of the Merry Men with a roundhouse kick. Finally, all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.]
Uh, shall we?
Hold the phone. [drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
What?
That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
Well... [laughs] when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a… [gasps and points] there’s an arrow in your butt!
What? [turns and looks] Oh, would you look at that? [he goes to pull it out but flinches because it’s tender]
Oh, no! This is all my fault! I’m so sorry!
Donkey Why? What’s wrong?
Shrek’s hurt.
Donkey Shrek’s hurt? Shrek’s hurt?! Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!
Donkey, I’m okay.
Donkey You can’t do this to me, Shrek! I’m too young for you to die! Keep you legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
Donkey Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
Donkey!
Donkey Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. [runs off]
What are the flowers for?
Ah.
Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out. [gives the arrow a little pull]
I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
No, it’s tender.
Now, hold on.
What do you think you’re doing is the opposite of help.
Don’t move.
Look, time out.
Would you...? [grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow] Okay. What do you propose we do?
Donkey Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Donkey Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! [rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns]
Ow! Not good!
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Shrek grunts as she pulls] It’s just about...
Ow! Ohh! [he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him]
Donkey Ahem.
Donkey Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-- [Fiona pulls the arrow out] Ugh! [he turns to look at Fiona, who holds up the arrow with a smile] Ow!
Donkey Hey, what’s that? [nervous chuckle] That’s-- Is that blood? [faints]
[Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.] [Eels: "My Beloved Monster"] [There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won’t get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree, and the tree swings back into its upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek is swatting at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that’s on a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek, who begins eating like cotton candy. Shrek catches a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presents it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.]
My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Get us through all kinds of weather
Donkey Aah!
She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that’s so damn mean [croaks] Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Hey!
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la [both laughing] La-la, la-la, la-la
Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. [chuckles]
I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.
Yes, Shrek?
I, um, I was wondering…are you… [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
Donkey Well, isn’t this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
What?
Donkey Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
Donkey Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
Good night.
Donkey Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
Donkey I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
Donkey Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
I...There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know...and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause I don’t...she’s a princess, and I’m...
Donkey An ogre?
Yeah. An ogre.
Donkey Hey, where you goin’?
To get… more firewood. [sighs]
[Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.]
Donkey Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? [Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but he can’t see her.] It’s very spooky in here. I ain’t playing no games.
Donkey AAAAAHHHHH!!!
No! No! No!
Donkey OH, NO, HELP!
Shh!
Donkey SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
No, it’s okay. It’s okay.
Donkey WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE PRINCESS?!
Donkey, shh! I’m the princess.
Donkey AAAAAHHHHH!!!
It’s me, in this body.
Donkey Oh, my God! You ate the princess! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!
Donkey?!
Donkey Listen, keep breathing! I’ll get you out of there!
No!
Donkey SHREK!!! SHREK!!! SHREK!!!
Shh.
Donkey SHREK!!!
This is me.
Donkey Princess? What happened to you? You’re, uh, uh, uh, different.
I’m ugly, okay?
Donkey Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? ‘Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now...
No. I...I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
Donkey What do you mean? Look, I ain’t never seen you like this before.
It only happens when the sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm… until you find true love’s first kiss... and then take love’s true form."
Donkey Ah, that’s beautiful. I didn’t know you wrote poetry.
It’s a spell. [sighs] When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That’s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. [begins to cry]
Donkey All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it’s not that bad. You’re not that ugly. Well, I ain’t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek’s ugly 24-7.
But Donkey, I’m a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look.
Donkey Princess, how ‘bout if you don’t marry Farquaad?
I have to. Only my true love’s kiss can break the spell.
Donkey But, you know, um, you’re kind of an ogre, and Shrek-- well, you got a lot in common.
Shrek?
Don’t you see, Donkey? That’s just how it has to be. It’s the only way to break the spell.
Donkey You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
No! You can’t breathe a word. No one must ever know.
Donkey What’s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
Promise you won’t tell. Promise!
Donkey All right, all right. I won’t tell him. But you should. [goes outside] I just know before this is over, I’m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin’.
[Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill.]
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. [she quickly runs to the door and goes outside] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want...
Shrek. Are you all right?
Perfect! Never been better.
I...I don’t...There’s something I have to tell you.
You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
You heard what I said?
Every word.
I thought you’d understand.
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
Yeah? Well, it does. [Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.] Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
Donkey What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
Princess Fiona.
As promised. Now hand it over.
Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. [Shrek takes the paper] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. [Farquaad snaps his fingers] Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... [Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.] farewell.
Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! [A guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse]
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
Donkey Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
Yeah? So what?
Donkey Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night. She’s....
I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
Donkey Shrek, I...I wanna go with you.
I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. [to himself] I live alone! My swamp! Me! [to Donkey] Nobody else! Understand? [to himself] Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!
Donkey But I thought...
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. [stomps off]
Donkey Shrek?
[John Cale: "Hallelujah"] [Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.]
Donkey Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that? [she nods and goes after the guards] Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
Donkey There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That’s when you say, "I object!"
I don’t have time for this!
Donkey Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
Yes.
Donkey You wanna hold her?!
Yes.
Donkey PLEASE HER?!
YES!
Donkey Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic cop!
All right! Cut it out. When does this man say the line?
Donkey We gotta check it out.
And so, by the power vested in me.
Donkey The whole town’s in there.
I now pronounce you…
Donkey They’re at the altar.
…king and queen.
Donkey Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
Oh, for the love of Pete!
[He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.]
Shrek.
Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
What are you doing here?
Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding!
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me--
But you can’t marry him.
And why not?
Because-- Because he’s just marrying you so he can be king.
Outrageous! Fiona, don’t mind me.
He’s not your true love.
And what do you know about true love?
Well, I...Uh...I mean...
Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [laughs]
An ogre and a princess!
Shrek, is this true?
Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re about a kiss away from your "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.]
"By night one way, by day another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
Ugh! It’s DISGUSTING!!!! GUARDS!!!! GUARDS!!!! I ORDER YOU TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! NOW!!!! GET THEM!!!! GET THEM BOTH!!!!
NO, NO! SHREK!
THIS HOCUS-POCUS ALTERS NOTHING!!!! THIS MARRIAGE IS BINDING, AND THAT MAKE ME KING!!!! SEE?!!? SEE?!!?
No, let go of me! Shrek!
No!
DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU MORONS!!!!
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY WE MET!!!! I’LL SEE YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED!!! YOU’LL BEG FOR DEATH TO SAVE YOU!!!!
No, Shrek!
Fiona!
I’LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!!!! I AM KING!!!!
I WILL HAVE ORDER!!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!!! I WILL HAVE--
Donkey All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. [The dragon roars.] I’M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!
Donkey Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [as the congregation cheers.] Go ahead, Shrek.
Uh, Fiona?
Yes, Shrek?
I...I love you.
Really?
Really, really.
Aawww!
"Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form."
Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
Donkey I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into their wedding kiss.]
[Last lines; Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I’m a Believer' by Smash Mouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. It is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet, which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a catfight, and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread Man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party, and Donkey takes over singing the song.]
God bless us, every one.
Donkey Oh, that’s funny. Oh. Oh. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
