Trading Places (1983) · 49 quotes
Tied for 2nd most-quoted character in Trading Places (1983): in 14 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Mortimer Duke (11), Billy Ray Valentine (7), Louis Winthorp III (2)
Randolph Duke Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.
Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.
Half of it is from me.
Thank you, Mr. Mortimer. [mouthing silently] Asshole.
Randolph Duke Money isn't everything, Mortimer.
Oh, grow up.
Randolph Duke Mother always said you were greedy.
She meant it as a compliment.
Randolph Duke It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
You want me to break something else?
NO!
Randolph Duke Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.
Randolph Duke He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
Randolph Duke Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Here, one dollar.
Randolph Duke We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer! [laughs] Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.
Randolph Duke You mean, keep Valentine on as managing director?
Do you really believe I would have a **** run our family business, Randolph?
Randolph Duke Of course not. Neither would I.
Randolph Duke Winthorpe.
Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Thank you, Louis.
After you.
Certainly.
Randolph Duke Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Billy Ray is in the Jacuzzi; Coleman takes Billy Ray's street clothes and closes door
Billy Ray [from Jacuzzi]: When you think of love, does your heart go round and round?
What's he doing in there?
I believe he is singing, sir.
Randolph They're very musical people, aren't they?
What should I do with his clothes, sir?
Send them to the laundry. He'll want something nice and clean to wear to the ghetto...after I've won the bet.
No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
This is not a meal, Valentine. We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.
Randolph We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast, … wheat, which is used to make bread, … pork bellies, which is used to make bacon - which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera] And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice, … and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges. [He chuckles] Clear so far?
Randolph Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy, or sell, their gold for them.
Tell him the good part.
Randolph The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies!
Randolph I told you he'd understand.
Randolph Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long - which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' batshit. They're thinking, "Hey, we're losin' all our goddamn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming, "SELL! SELL!" 'Cuz they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!
Randolph He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
I'd wait till you get to around sixty-four, then I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Randolph Do you realize how much money he's just saved us?
Money isn't everything, Randolph!
Randolph This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64. Mr. Valentine has set the price.
That's not right! How can the price be going down?
Randolph Something's wrong! Where's Wilson?
Randolph They're selling, Mortimer!
Why, that's ridiculous! [Something occurs to him] Unless that crop report …
Randolph God help us!
I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole!
Randolph We've gotta get Wilson! And tell him to sell!!!
Margin call, gentlemen.
Why, you can't expect us to -
You know the rules of the exchange, Mr. Duke. All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading, without exception.
Randolph You know perfectly well we don't have three hundred and ninety-four million dollars in cash!
I'm sorry, boys. [to Official #1] Put the Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once; seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers, as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
Randolph My God. [clutching his heart] We're ruined.
This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was founded! We founded this exchange! It's ours!! It belongs to US!!!
Randolph My God...
Mortimer, your brother's not well! We'd better call an ambulance!
**** HIM! Now you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now! Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!! [shouts, echoing throughout the trading hall] TURN THOSE MACHINES BACK ON!!!
Randolph Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Okay, one male gorilla.
Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.
One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa. It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, take a look. They're in love.
[The male gorilla grunts contentedly]
