Mortimer Duke This an outrage! I demand a full investigation!
Played by Don Ameche 
Trading Places (1983) · 49 quotes
Trading Places (1983) · 49 quotes
Tied for 2nd most-quoted character in Trading Places (1983): in 14 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Randolph Duke (11), Billy Ray Valentine (4), Louis Winthorp III (3)
Scenes with Mortimer Duke
14 scenes Mortimer Duke 
Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.
Ezra
Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.
Mortimer Duke Half of it is from me.
Ezra
Thank you, Mr. Mortimer. [mouthing silently] Asshole.
Randolph. Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?
Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!
Mortimer Duke We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.
Money isn't everything, Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke Oh, grow up.
Mother always said you were greedy.
Mortimer Duke She meant it as a compliment.
[Billy Ray overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom]
Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Mortimer Duke Here, one dollar.
[chuckling]
We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer! [laughs] Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
Mortimer Duke I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.
You mean, keep Valentine on as managing director?
Mortimer Duke Do you really believe I would have a **** run our family business, Randolph?
Mortimer Duke [stunned]
Valentine.
Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
Mortimer Duke How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Thank you, Louis.
After you.
Certainly.
President of Exchange
[Randolph Duke has just collapsed with shock]
Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.
Mortimer Duke **** him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on! [shouts, echoing throughout the trading hall] Turn those machines back on!
Billy Ray is in the Jacuzzi; Coleman takes Billy Ray's street clothes and closes door
Billy Ray [from Jacuzzi]: When you think of love, does your heart go round and round?
Mortimer What's he doing in there?
I believe he is singing, sir.
They're very musical people, aren't they?
What should I do with his clothes, sir?
Mortimer Send them to the laundry. He'll want something nice and clean to wear to the ghetto...after I've won the bet.
No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
Mortimer This is not a meal, Valentine. We are here to try to explain to you what it is we do here.
We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast, … wheat, which is used to make bread, … pork bellies, which is used to make bacon - which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera] And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice, … and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges. [He chuckles] Clear so far?
Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy, or sell, their gold for them.
Mortimer Tell him the good part.
The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Mortimer Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies!
Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long - which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' batshit. They're thinking, "Hey, we're losin' all our goddamn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming, "SELL! SELL!" 'Cuz they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!
[on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping]
He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
I'd wait till you get to around sixty-four, then I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Mortimer Money isn't everything, Randolph!
(on telephone)
This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at 64. Mr. Valentine has set the price.
Mortimer That's not right! How can the price be going down?
Something's wrong! Where's Wilson?
Mortimer [sees Louis and Billy Ray]
What are they doing here?
They're selling, Mortimer!
Mortimer Why, that's ridiculous! [Something occurs to him] Unless that crop report …
Mortimer [Randolph and Mortimer Duke are both on their way to the pits, panicking at the idea that their plan could fail]
I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you asshole!
We've gotta get Wilson! And tell him to sell!!!
Official #1
Margin call, gentlemen.
Mortimer Why, you can't expect us to -
Official #2
You know the rules of the exchange, Mr. Duke. All accounts to be settled at the end of the day's trading, without exception.
You know perfectly well we don't have three hundred and ninety-four million dollars in cash!
George
I'm sorry, boys. [to Official #1] Put the Duke brothers' seats on the exchange up for sale at once; seize all assets of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers, as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
My God. [clutching his heart] We're ruined.
Mortimer [He begins to totter on his feet]
This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was founded! We founded this exchange! It's ours!! It belongs to US!!!
My God...
George
[He collapses]
Mortimer, your brother's not well! We'd better call an ambulance!
Mortimer **** HIM! Now you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now! Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!! [shouts, echoing throughout the trading hall] TURN THOSE MACHINES BACK ON!!!
Mortimer [Randolph is being wheeled out on a stretcher]
You and your Nobel Prize! You idiot!
Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Dock worker #1
[Tramp steamer. Beeks is still gagged and bound in a gorilla costume, and caged with the male gorilla from the train]
Okay, one male gorilla.
Dock worker #2
Wait a minute. There's two of them in that cage.
Dock worker #1
One gorilla, two gorillas. Big deal. Whole bunch is getting sent back to Africa. It's a big scientific experiment. What do I know? Anyway, take a look. They're in love.
[The male gorilla grunts contentedly]
