Charlie [walking into Chapman Academy]
Look at this place. It's Princeton for preschoolers.
More lines from Charlie
3 quotes Charlie Charlie [while leading Miss Harridan into his house]
Is there anything I can get you to drink? Coffee, tea, water, eye of newt?
Charlie Any boob can run a day-care center, but it takes a family to raise some kids and that's what we're gonna be from now on: a family.
Scenes with Charlie
9 scenes Charlie What's going on?
Your worst nightmare.
Charlie What?
Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.
How was your day, baby?
Charlie I lost my J-O-B.
You lost your J-O-B?
Charlie I got F-I-R-E-D. Me and 300 other people.
They cannot do that.
Miss Harridan [Miss Harridan reads a flyer for a fundraiser called "Rock for Daddy Day Care"]
"Rock for Daddy Day Care. Help us finance our new permanent home." [put the flyer on her desk; to Jenny] Do you know what this means?
Jenny It's a chance to improve ourselves through a little healthy competition?
Miss Harridan [frustrated]
No, you bubble-headed idiot. It's a death sentence. If they get their hands on a big enough space, they'll ruin me. They're selling fun. I can't compete with fun. [turns away in anger] I should've crushed them in the beginning when they were weak. It'll be harder now, but I have no choice. I've got to stop them.
Jenny How're you gonna do that?
Miss Harridan [Miss Harridan turns back to Jenny and smiles cruelly]
By any means necessary.
Becca We need more learning about things!
Charlie More learning about things?
Becca Yes. We're at a very critical age. You have to feed our minds!
Charlie [to Phil]: Today, we need some organization and planned activities.
No. We need Ritalin and leashes, that's what we need.
Jamie's Mom [to Jamie]: Who are you going to call if there's any problem? (gives her a phone)
Jamie 911, Mommy.
Jamie's Mom
Oh, such a good girl!
Charlie [wakes up]
Hey, Ben, how you doing, man? [yawns] Oh, God. Daddy's got to get ready for work.
Can't you stay home?
Charlie No, I got a big day at work today. A real big day.
Charlie What's going on?
Your worst nightmare.
Charlie What?
[They walk out to where the actors for the test are, the actor for Mr. Carrot is in costume, but the actor who's supposed to play Mr. Broccoli is nowhere to be seen]
Mr. Broccoli's a no-show.
Actor
He got a callback for a potato chip commercial.
Charlie These snack foods are killing us!
Yeah, I know...
Charlie [looks around for a replacement for Mr. Broccoli, his eyes land on Marvin, a nerdy outcast who's pilfering through the mail]
Marvin!
Yeah?
Charlie [Marvin is seen sniffing the mail momentarily before walking over to Charlie and Phil] [quietly to Phil]
Yes, look; we need a guy who can wear a broccoli suit, not a normal person. [loudly] Marvin, my man! My friend Marvin! Hey man, what's going on today? Listen, we need a favor: We're having a little focus group in there and the guy who's supposed to wear the broccoli suit left, so you can put the suit on and cover for us.
No...I just can't do the broccoli, cause it's just not me. Sorry... [notices the guy in the carrot suit] Hey, can I be the carrot, though?
Charlie Yeah...Yeah, you can be the carrot! Let him try the carrot on!
Actor
No!
Charlie You're gonna be the broccoli!
Actor
I don't wanna be the bush!
Charlie It's not a bush, it's a stalk of broccoli! It's a strong stalk of broccoli!
Actor
[considering]
I'm pretty strong...
Charlie Yeah, you can make that work! Let's go in here and you go switch this suit on and get the broccoli! Trust me on this thing, let's go!
Mr. Broccoli
B-R-O-CC-O-L-I! [claps twice] I am the broccoli, and don't know why! C-A-RR-O and a T! Carrots are healthy for you and me! [starts shouting and dancing while The Message by Grand-Master Flash plays] Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go broccoli! It's yo birthday! Go carrot! Go carrot! Go carrot...
Mr. Broccoli
Hello, boys and girls! Zowie, do we have a special treat for you today!
[The kids in the focus group just stare at Mr. Broccoli, obviously not entertained] [reading off of flashcards that he's holding in his hand]
Hey! We have a brand-new cereal! [drops the flashcards] You're the first kids- [tries to bend over to get his cards] Help! [falls over onto his face; struggling to get up off the floor]
Mr. Broccoli
[decides to stand in for Marvin]
It's super yummy and LOADED... [pretends to blow smoke off the barrel of some finger guns] with all sorts of stuff that's good for you! And do you know what we call it? VEGGIE-OOOOOOOOOS!!!
Kid
[The kids begin to spit out the cereal in disgust, letting out audible "Eeewww!!"s]
THIS CEREAL SUCKS!!
They're turning on us...
Charlie Give it a chance, let them get it in their mouths...They gotta taste it.
Kid
[throwing a bowl of Veggie-Os at the one-way mirror]
TAKE THAT!
Mr. Broccoli
Not in the Face! SAVE YOURSELF, CARROT!!!
Charlie Call security now - OH, SH - OH! HEY! STOP THAT!
Jim [Later, after the failure of the presentation of Veggie-O's]
We're killing it.
Charlie Hey, come on Jim, we had one bad test and it's a hard nut to crack. Any fool can sell chocolatey chocolate balls and cotton candy-flavored cereal to kids, man.
Jim [takes out his notebook and a pen and writes something down]
Cotton candy. That's not bad. Hey guys, look, I'm sorry, but it was a dog. Kids just don't want to eat vegetables for breakfast. Who knew?
Charlie It's exactly what I told you six months ago when you put us on this project.
Jim You did? Well, it's not just Veggie-O's. We're shutting down the whole health division.
Jim Yeah, it's just not a business we want to be in.
So, Pooch, how was your first day at school?
Okay.
Just Okay?
I don't know anybody there.
Oh, well, give it some time. You'll make some friends. [to Charlie] How was your day, baby?
Charlie I lost my J-O-B.
You lost your J-O-B?
Charlie I got F-I-R-E-D. Me and 300 other people.
They cannot do that. What about Jim Fields? Can't he do something?
Charlie Jim Fields is the one that pulled the trigger. Now, he's not gonna be inclined to do anything 'cause when I found out it was him, I told him he could take a flying F...
Charlie!
Charlie [Charlie and Kim turn to Ben, who wipes his nose on the back of his right hand; they turn back to each other]
H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P. Don't worry about this. I'm a guy in demand, and I'll have a new job in a week. A week.
Charlie [Charlie and Kim stop by the trailer park]
This is the right address.
You gotta be kidding me!
Charlie Hey, we can at least check it out, you know!
Ben is NOT going here!
Charlie Looks can be deceiving, let me just go take a look!
"Looks can be deceiving"?! We're in a trailer park!
Trailer Park Lady
[Charlie walks out of the car and is greeted by an overweight woman with a cigarette in her mouth and carrying a baby at the same time]
Yeah...???
Charlie I might've made a mistake; I'm looking for the preschool.
Trailer Park Lady
[putting her cigarette away]
Oh-ho, yes, it is! [flips around a "BEWARE OF DOG" sign to reveal that "TOUCH OF EDEN PRESCHOOL" is written on the back] Welcome to the- [goes into a smoking induced coughing fit] Sorry...Welcome to the Touch of Eden Preschool, can I help you?
Charlie [realizing that Kim was totally right]
Oh, no thank you... [the next place on their list is a farmhouse owned by an old couple. They walk up to an old woman fanning herself] Is this the right place???
I think so...
Old Woman [gets up to greet Charlie and Kim]
Hello...
Charlie Hi!
Old Woman [leads Charlie and Kim off the porch]
We keep the children right around here!
[Cut to the old woman and her husband opening a cellar door to show where they keep the children. Charlie and Kim look into the cellar, and are shocked by what they see...None of it is shown on camera, but it's obvious they don't want to put Ben in there] Old Woman's Husband: Go ahead! After you, ma'am!
Charlie [Charlie and Kim instantly start running away from the old couple]
Where'd you get the address to this place?!
No, you picked this place!
Charlie We should report this to somebody! [the third and final stop on their tour is a seemingly normal house] Alright, now that's what I'm talking about! See, I knew there had to be at least ONE decent place in town!
Yeah, it looks alright...
Police Officer
[A squadron of police cars whizz past Charlie and Kim, parking in front of the house, presumably to arrest the owner of the daycare center] [through the megaphone]
THIS IS THE POLICE. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED.
Charlie [freaking out]
OH, SHIT! GO!!
[Charlie and Kim drive off]
Charlie [Max has stepped out of the bathroom]
Hey, big guy! How'd it go in there?
I missed.
Charlie What's that mean?
I missed!
Charlie [realizing he's not kidding]
Oh, hell no. [slowly opens the bathroom door, the Psycho theme starts playing as he gazes in horror at the bathroom walls and the ceiling offscreen, and closes the door in disgust]
Charlie [Last lines]
Whoa! Hey, little man! [looks around room] I'd say this wasn't a bad trade-off.
Yeah, Dad.
