Axel Foley
What? Y'all the second team?
DM Detective McCabe
We're the first team.
DF Detective Foster
Yeah, and we're not gonna fall for a banana in the tailpipe.
Axel Foley
[mocking him]
You're not gonna fall for the banana in the tailpipe? It should be more natural, brother. It should flow out, like this - "Look, man, I ain't fallin' for no banana in my tailpipe!" See, that's more natural for us. You been hanging out with this dude too long.
IT Inspector Todd
You mind telling me where the **** you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the ****'s this all about? You wanna play some **** bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley
Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
IT Inspector Todd
What's your **** side of the story?
Axel Foley
[pause]
Let's hear your side of the story.
IT Inspector Todd
Hey Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley
I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
IT Inspector Todd
You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief and the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where the **** did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley
From the Dearborn Hijacking.
IT Inspector Todd
From the Dearborn Hijacking? That **** bust went down last week! That truck's supposed to be in the damn pound!
J Jeffery
I tried to tell you.
IT Inspector Todd
Jeffery, this is none of your **** business!
J Jeffery
[Pointing to a random locker]
This is not my locker!
IT Inspector Todd
Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every **** thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley
Look, Boss, let me tell...
IT Inspector Todd
[emphatically]
Do you understand me?!
Axel Foley
Yeah, I understand. Boss. The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
IT Inspector Todd
Don't **** with me, Axel! Not now! Go on. Go home.
S Serge
[taking notice to Axel's interest in the artwork]
I see you look at this piece.
Axel Foley
Yeah. I was wondering how much something like this went for.
Axel Foley
Get the **** out of here!
S Serge
[laughing]
No, I cannot! It's serious! Because it's very important piece.
Axel Foley
Have you ever sold one of these?
S Serge
[proudly]
Sell it yesterday to a collector.
Axel Foley
Get the **** out of here!
S Serge
No! I'm serious! I sell it myself!
T Taggart
Why didn't you identify yourself as a police officer when you were arrested?
Axel
Because I was minding my own business. Where the **** do you guys get off on arresting somebody for getting thrown out of a window?
T Taggart
We have six witnesses that say you broke in and started tearing up the place, then jumped out the window!
Axel
And do you guys believe that? What the **** are you, cops or doormen?
T Taggart
We're more likely to believe an important local businessman than a foul-mouthed jerk from out of town.
Axel
Foul-mouthed?
Axel
[Taggart nods]
**** you, man.
R Rosewood
[Taggart stands up and draws himself to full height]
Hey, Sarge...
T Taggart
You watch your mouth.
Axel
[standing]
Hey, man. Don't square off on me with some bullshit. [shoves Taggart] You want to start some static?
T Taggart
Hey, don't push me!
Axel
[shoves Taggart again]
**** you, man!
B Bogomil
[Taggart delivers hard blow to Axel's stomach... Axel doubles over in pain] [witnessing from his office]
Taggart!
T Taggart
[Taggart enters Bogomil's office, both emerge a minute later]
I apologize for striking you. I have no excuse.
Axel
[bemused]
Forget about it.
Axel Foley
[Axel is trying to convince Inspector Todd to let him investigate his best friend's murder case.]
Look, I heard a rumor that you're gonna use Rand on this case, and between the 2 of us, the guy doesn't know the time of day.
IT Inspector Todd
Don't mess with me now, Axel.
Axel
It's the first time he's left his desk in 12 years.
T Todd
At least he's HAD 12 years! Anyway, it's a Homicide case and it belongs to Rand. Now, go to the hospital!
Axel
Well, you don't mind if I ask around a little bit, do you?
T Todd
Don't do a DAMN thing; it's Rand's case. Yo' ass is SKATING on thin ice as it is!
Axel
Hey, look, we're talkin' about a FRIEND OF MINE HERE!
T Todd
Yes, we are, aren't we? Now, let's take a close look at that: 1, a hoodlum friend. 2, a professional hit. 3, in a cop's apartment. This whole thing stinks to high Heaven.
Axel
How you know it was a professional hit?
T Todd
I didn't just walk into this town from the cotton fields! Whoever killed your friend wasn't worried about yo' little narrow ass; if they were, you'd be lyin' beside him in that meat wagon! Just don't do a damn thing. Stay outta this!
Axel
Well, look, I got some vacation time comin' to me; I wanna take my vacation now.
T Todd
... Stay away from this case, Axel.
Axel
No, it's just that I feel I need a little vacation, that's all.
T Todd
[gives him a hesitant look]
Alright... as soon as you're finished at the hospital, you're on vacation.
Axel
Thank you.
T Todd
But if you decide to butt into this case... it'll be the LONGEST vacation you ever heard of.
Axel Foley
[Axel, Jenny and Billy arrive at Victor Maitland's warehouse.]
Ok, Billy, your job is just sit down here and observe things, alright? Don't make a move until I come out and get you.
BR Billy Rosewood
I don't see why I can't go in.
Axel
You can't go in 'cause you're a cop in this town. You go in there without probable cause, they're gonna call it an illegal search, you know that. Or didn't they teach you that in cop school?
Axel Foley
Don't you think I realize what's going on here, miss? Who do you think I am, huh? Don't you think I know that if I was some hotshot from out of town that pulled inside here and you guys made a reservation mistake, I'd be the first one to get a room and I'd be upstairs relaxing right now. But I'm not some hotshot from out of town, [shouting] I'm a small reporter from "Rolling Stone" magazine that's in town to do an exclusive interview with Michael Jackson that's gonna be picked up by every major magazine in the country. I was gonna call the article "Michael Jackson Is Sitting On Top of the World," but now I think I might as well just call it "Michael Jackson Can Sit On Top of the World Just As Long As He Doesn't Sit in the Beverly Palm Hotel 'CAUSE THERE'S NO **** ALLOWED IN THERE!"
