Grandma Klump
I hope your ass turn into a frog.
Sherman Klump / Buddy Love
Eddie Murphy · 18 quotes
Carla Purty
Jada Pinkett Smith · 5 quotes
Ana Klump
3 quotes
Jason
John Ales · 3 quotes
Papa Klump
Eddie Murphy · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Sherman Klump / Buddy Love & Carla Purty (5), Sherman Klump / Buddy Love & Jason (3), Sherman Klump / Buddy Love & Ana Klump (2)
The Nutty Professor quotes
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Mother Klump
Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine! (breaks wind)
I lost 300 pounds in 30 seconds! [he took a megashake] Thanks, Megashake!
Oh, you damn right, hamster boy. I knew Sherman was gonna go soft on me. That can wreak havoc on a man's sex life. [laughs] See, I've done some calculations of my own. If I drink 500 milliters of formula, I'll have enough cellular stability to be rid of Sherman's ass forever!
No. You drink that much formula at one time and it will kill you!
If I drink it all at once, yes. If I drink half now and half later, that's completely safe. And at midnight, I don't have to worry about turning into no Klumpkin. Now if you don't mind, I have a date at the alumni ball, and you have a date with linoleum!
Who?
[Buddy punches Jason, who falls to the floor in a heap]
Buddy Love
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration: Look out, David Copperfield, I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear forever! [produces a vial of serum]
[off-screen]
NO-O-O-O-O-O!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I cannot... let you do this... anymore! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
Cletus Klump
That's it, I'm glad I brought my knife. [reaches into his pocket]
Anna Klump
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse]
Buddy Love
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy, but first, a short musical interlude. [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]
Buddy Love
Sherman is gone, disappeared! [more gasps; Anna and Cletus Klump both look at each other in confusion] And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! [his watch beeps] Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
I hate being called "hamster boy". [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]
Buddy Love
You just don't know when to quit, do you? [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once again] It's too late, fat boy. It's over! [struggles to punch Jason] Let go! Let go! [Sherman grabs Buddy's neck, choking him]
Anna Klump
My goodness!
Cletus Klump
Damn!
Buddy Love
[still choking]
Give it up, fat boy, it's over!
Sherman Klump
[appears]
It ain't over 'till the fat professor sings!
Anna Klump
Aah!
Buddy Love
Ohh, let go of my hand, you fat moth--
Sherman Klump
[threateningly]
Say one more word, Buddy, I'll tear your arm off!
Buddy Love
Time... we...take... Nestea... plunge! [punches Sherman's stomach]
Anna Klump
Whoo! [faints as Buddy Love punches Sherman 3 times; sobs]
Cletus Klump
We gon' get the hell outta here in a second; it's okay.
Anna Clump
[Buddy tries to drink the vial that almost kills Sherman, but he grabs Buddy's hand again and drops the vial on the floor, which Sherman stomps]
Aah!
Cletus Klump
Sweet Jesus!
Anna Klump
Sherman!
Buddy Love
SHERMAN, DON'T DO THIS! YOU NEED ME!!!!!
Sherman Klump
NO, I DON'T!
Buddy Love
[slaps Sherman]
YOU FATASS!
Sherman Klump
[slaps Buddy]
TINKERBELL!
Buddy Love
[slaps Sherman]
BLUBBERBUTT!
Sherman Klump
[slaps Buddy]
FEATHERWEIGHT!
Cletus Klump
Somebody better call an Exorcist!
Buddy Love
Sherman! SHERMAN! YOU CAN'T BEAT ME!!!!!
Cletus Klump
This is some scary shit!
Sherman Klump
[punches Buddy eight times]
YES, I, CAN!!!!!
Anna Klump
[Buddy's watch beeps; he starts to feel dizzy]
Sherman, come back here! [claps her hands] Sherman!
Buddy Love
[clutches his head]
What's happenin' to me?! Everything's gettin' real dark! Oh! I feel real jiggly! I'm blubbifyin'! Sherman, you needed me; I taught you to be confident! You needed me, Sherman! Sherman! No matter what, no matter what... you got to strut.
You know, Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansing. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinking about getting me an appointment to go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
Cletus Klump
You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine!
Cletus Klump
[Farts loudly. Ernie Jr. starts laughing hysterically]
See that? Now my colon is clean. I'm talking, squeaky clean.
Cletus, every time we're having a meal, you always gotta go off breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal!
Cletus Klump
Don't tell me to stop! You're the one who brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
I did not say anything about breaking gas! I was talking about getting my colon clean!
Cletus Klump
Don't you talk about stickin' a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
I didn't say nothin' about stickin' no hose up nobody's ass, Cletus-
Cletus Klump
What do you think a colonic is? You think yo gonna run yo asshole by the car wash?
[arriving to "The Scream" for his date]
You are too fine to be giving me curbside service!
What are you talking about leaving? We just got here!
No, you just got here, I've been waiting for you for almost an hour!
Hey, now they say anticipation helps make the appetite grow stronger, if you know what I mean.
Anticipate the night alone.
Hey, hey, let's just have a meal together! Why you leaving? Hey-what, do you want me to beg you?! I get down on my knees! I'm begging in front of all these people! You think I care that all these people are watching? I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THAT I WAS LATE, AND I'M SORRY!!! My car ran out of gas! I needed fresh drawers! My mother's sick! The car broke down on the street! I'm so sorry!
No, listen, you gotta hear me out! Now, I am sorry! I don't know why this happened tonight! Of all nights, this has to happen to me tonight! WHYYYY?!
Okay.
WHYYYYYY?!
Okay!
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!
Okay, okay, okay!!!
[instantly changes mood]
Okay good, let's eat! I am SO hungry. Hey, don't let the tears fool you, I'm a tooth chipper.
Carla, are you ready to go upstairs? [Carla slaps him] I guess not. Hey, wait, Carla! Where are you going? What's your problem?
Oh, well, I was thinking after dinner, you'd want a little group activity. After all, Buddy does have a lot of love to give.[winks at her]
Ooh, you are one sick, twisted freak!
Hey Carla, where you going? Wha-? Go on, leave! There's more titties over here anyway! Yeah. More titties!
Ladies and gentlemen, for my final demonstration - look out, David Copperfield - I'm about to make a 400-pound fat man... disappear FOREVER! [produces a vial of serum]
[off-screen]
NOOO!!! [enters the auditorium; angrily advances towards the stage] Wait! I can not... let you do this... any more! This... has got... to stop! [runs onto the stage; stands next to Buddy and points at him] This man is trying to kill Professor Sherman Klump!
Oh, that's it! I'm glad I brought my knife! [reaches into his pocket]
Mama Klump
Mm-hmm. And I got my razor. [opens her purse]
Oh, sure thing, hamster boy! But first, a short musical interlude! [punches Jason, sending him flying into some trombones; the audience gasps]
Sherman is GONE! Disappeared! [more gasps; Mama and Papa Klump look at each other in confusion] And that's a pretty good trick for a man with an ass as big as his! [his watch beeps] Ooh, I'm late for an appointment. Ladies and gentlemen, say goodbye to Sherman Klump! [prepares to drink the vial, but Jason pops back up]
I hate being called "hamster boy". [punches Buddy, causing him to drop the vial; the audience gasps again. He then clutches his fist in pain]
[amused]
You just don't know when to quit, do you? [goes to punch Jason again, but Sherman's fist appears instead of his; the audience gasps once more]
Ok, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes? Alright! Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole! Alright! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch! Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck! Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib! Earl Scheib! At Earl Scheib! HAHAHAHAHAHA! [walks onto the stage, still laughing hysterically]
Reggie Warrington Hey, hey, get off the stage, man! You ain't in show business.
Reggie's mama is so fat, her blood type is Rocky Road! His mother is so fat, her belt size is Equator. Get it, equator. Let's give a big round of applause for Reggie's mama's ass, that brought us so much joy tonight. That's a big ass!
Reggie Warrington ENOUGH! SILENCE! I can't take this shit no more! Now you done talked about me enough, boy! I tried to be peaceful, but now it's time for Reggie to "Karatacize" your ass!
Whooooo!
Reggie Warrington Aw yeah.
[Reggie takes off hat, revealing his ridiculous-looking hair, and Buddy and the audience start laughing.]
Oh, Reggie! I've heard of "Dreadlocks", but "Shitlocks?!" That's not your hair! Take that pile of shit off your head, man! You’re craz- you just go too far with the comedy!
Reggie Warrington [karate yells]
Come on! Come on!
What’s that?
Reggie Warrington Aw yeah, that’s my style boy, you didn’t know Reggie studied.
What style is that?
Reggie Warrington It’s called "kick your ass style", boy!
Oh shit.
Reggie Warrington Reggie done studied on the streets!
Reggie Warrington [Reggie tries to kick Buddy, but Buddy grabs his foot, and flips him over. Buddy laughs hysterically, Reggie glowers, and turns back around]
Aw, you quick, but I’m quicker. Watch my feet.
Well come on with it.
Reggie Warrington Imma come on with it, Imma come on with it, Imma co-[karate yells again]
[Reggie tries to punch him, but Buddy grabs his arm, twists it, and bangs his head on the edge of the piano. He and Buddy sit at the piano.]
Ladies and gentlemen, me and Reggie wanna send one out to a very special lady in the house tonight! [to Carla Purdy] Loving you, is easy ‘cause you're beautiful! Do-do-do-do-do! Reggie?
Reggie Warrington [Buddy cracks Reggie's hand]
AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH... leggo.
That was pretty! Ladies and gentlemen, Reggie has left the building! Thank you, and good night!
[Buddy throws Reggie into the piano.]
[looking at Buddy's plates]
Six T-Bones, five baked potatoes, and two servings of Creamed Spinach. I have NEVER seen anyone eat so much. You are so lucky to stay so thin.
Oh, "lucky" has nothing to do with it. It's a matter of recombinant ribonucleic acids unzipped by a radioactive guanine peptide.
...And what does that mean?
I dunno, I was just trying to sound extra intelligent. Gotcha! You gonna eat that?
You know something I couldn't stand about Buddy?
What's that?
He was too damn scrawny.
Dean Richmond Oh, with you, it's always business. Let's get to know each other, man-to-man. Now, if our files are correct, you and your fabulous wife have a terrific daughter.
Harlan Hartley I'm divorced and my daughter is in rehab
Dean Richmond So you're saying our files are NOT correct.
Harlan Hartley Listen, you pompous butt-kisser. I have a check in my pocket for $10 million. Your Buddy Love has until midnight to prove that formula works.
Reggie Warrington Whoo-whoo! It's a full moon tonight! I think I found where they hid Jimmy Hoffa!
Reggie Warrington Oh boy, you got more crack than Harlem! Boy's so fat, every time I turn around, it's his birthday! Boy, you gotta put a belt on with a boomerang!
Okay, now, alright! That's it, got me!
Reggie Warrington Oh no. No, I ain't got you yet! Should I get him? [crowd cheers] SHOULD I GET HIM?! [crowd cheers again]
Reggie Warrington Oh, look at this, he' with a woman too! Oh, no! Who's sucking who's titties over here?! Last time he got a breast, it was in a bucket of KFC! Extra Krispy! Every time he goes to sea world, they tame him! He must be on that new diet, Slim Slow! He go outside with a red shirt on, all the kids in the neighborhood shout "Hey! Kool Aid!" Yeah, man! I bet I cut his fat ass open, he'll bleed chocolate milk! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! Now we know what's been eating Gilbert Grape, don't we?!
[concerned]
Sherman, what's wrong with you? Baby, you still worried about what your father said in there? [understanding] Ohhh...Son, listen to me you arespecial. And when the Good Lord made you, he made you beautiful inside and out. You can do anything Sherman...all you have to do is believe in yourself and you can do anything.