Archie I am the Alpha Bear! Grrr! Grrr! Bears say "grrr," right?
Voiced by Steve Zahn 
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) · 62 quotes
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) · 62 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001): in 29 of its 62 quotes
Most scenes with: Dr. John Dolittle (23), Lucky (9), Ava (9)
Her Name was Lola. She was a show bear. She'd like to dance with me.
More lines from Archie
1 quote Archie Scenes with Archie
27 scenes
Steve Irwin
I am here with Dr. Dolittle, who can actually talk with animals. We're here about to capture this alligator right behind us, The trick to capturing this guy is to put your arms around his neck...
Alligator Hey Dolittle, What I'm doing is letting Steve think I don't hear him, when he comes for me, I'm gonna turn around and snap his arm off.
Steve Irwin
Quiet, I don't wanna spoil the element of surprise...NOW!
Steve Irwin
[Snapping noise]
Crikey! Me arm!
What are you drinking?
It's Gatorade.
Archie [During Archie's detention, as John and Charisse visit him.]
Looks like I wasn't meant to be loved.
Everyone's meant to be loved.
Yes, everyone's meant to- [caught by surprise at Charisse's newfound ability] Charisse!
No cellphone for a week.
But what am I supposed to do without my cellphone?
Here's some stamps. Learn to write a letter or something.
[narrating]
So much for a family vacation. But Doc figured, how hard could this be? That was before he met Archie.
♪♪ [Rock]
Emce
Ladies and gentlemen, he's the bear with flair, the walking rug with an adorable mug-Archie the bear!
Archie [motorcycle engine revs]
♪ Get your motor running ♪ ♪ Head out on the highway ♪ They love me. Go.
Archie [revving continues]
♪ Born to be wi-i-i-ild ♪
Archie [crash]
Ow! Gee! ♪ And that's the show ♪♪ Whew! Big-boned gal, huh?
Oh. [chuckles] Yeah, I guess so.
Archie Got any action shots? You know what I'm talking about.
No, I don't, but listen, you'd be lucky to wind up with somebody like her.
Archie Look, I have had so many girlfriends, you know-- [chuckles] Okay, look, I've never had a girlfriend. just bring her by on Monday. That's when I'm dark. Okay?
I can't bring her here. You have to go to her.
Archie Whoa, whoa. Go to her? Where?
Um, she's in the forest.
Archie Ooh, uh, I don't play forests. I'm strictly a state fair, small arena-type bear.
Archie, Do you know what kind of bear you are?
Archie Um, let's see. Yes. I'm a singer. Dancer-- three years tap, two years jazz.
No, Archie, you're an endangered species.
Archie Is that a threat, buddy? Because my lawyer will be down here--
No, I'm not threatening you. You're a very rare bear. You're a Pacific Western bear. You know what that is?
Archie Yes, I know what-- I can play any kind of bear. I've got range. Grizzly, panda. Here, check out my polar. I am freezing! It is cold!
I haven't made it clear. Let me break it down to you. Your ancestors come from the mountains of California.
Archie Yes, blah, blah, blah.
When you were six months old, they took you from your mother and taught you to wiggle your hips to a recording of "Hound Dog."
Archie No, no, I taught myself that. I admit I pander, 'cause I'm a pander bear! Get it? Ha ha ha! Pander!
Yeah, that's funny stuff, Archie. But listen, what I'm proposing to you is, I'd like to take you back to where your ancestors roamed, get you out in the woods and teach you to be a real bear.
Archie Look, I like the bear I am. Okay? I'm famous! Have you been to the gift shop? I have my own beanie baby.
You do this, you'll be the most famous bear in all the world.
Archie Bigger than Pooh?
Are you kidding me? You pull this off, they'll be saying, "Winnie the who?"
Archie You've got yourself a bear.
[narrating]
So we all moved to the forest and waited for Archie to arrive. While the family settled, it was time I started looking out for number one.
[chuckles]
Huh? ♪ Doo-do-do-do-doo ♪ This looks like as good a place as any. Ah, the simple pleasures of life. Holy lord! That wolf is a fox! I hope I don't have dog breath, you know, from licking my own-- Never mind. Oh, you like that, huh? Yeah, that was me. [chuckles] Plenty more where that came from.
Wolf
[growls]
"Grr" to you too. What is that, some kind of secret wild lady dog code for "You like me"? Yeah, I do some dancing. Here's a little move I call the back-scratcher. Pretty cool, huh? H-Hey, hot lady, wait. Where you going? Call me!
Okay, everybody, you all know why we're here. We're about to try to do something that's never been done before. Everyone thinks we can't pull this off, and they got their blades sharpened and their trucks ready to roll. But we're gonna prove 'em wrong, right? That's right. Now I want everybody to put their claws together. How about a big round of applause for the bear that's gonna lead the way? Let's hear it for Archie!
Archie Are you ready to save the forest? ♪ Put your paws up Put your paws up, come on, now ♪
Is this some kind of joke?
Archie Hey, I wanna go serious on ya for a second. I know I've got my work cut out for me, but with your help I know one thing... [whispers] Now. Go.
♪♪ [piano intro]
♪♪ [up-tempo disco]
Archie [off-key]
♪ I will survive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪ ♪ Yes, I will survive ♪ ♪ As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive ♪♪ Everybody!
♪♪ [Archie humming]
Deer We're dead.
Crow
Nevermore.
Forest Animal
This show's over.
Rabbit
Let's go fool around.
You got your work cut out for you, Doc.
♪♪ [fades]
Archie I'm done. Turn it off.
You're not a real bear. You're Wayne Newton in a bear suit.
Archie So dirty. Look at my paws.
It's the woods, Archie. Its chief component is dirt.
Archie Wait. Hey, Doc, is that her? She's a babe.
Yeah, that's her.
Archie Oh. Look at the way she moves. Man, would I love to see her wet.
I tell you what. I'm gonna go over and introduce you. You just wait over there. Okay?
Archie Yeah, good. Hey, tell her I really dig her fat pouch, but don't be crude.
I'll try to work that in.
Archie Okay, good. Wait, hey... Gah!
Are you coming over here? I'm a little busy foraging.
Hi.
Hello. My name is John.
I'm Ava.
Hi, Ava. That's a pretty name. Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Hey, uh, quick question, Ava. How would you like to meet the man of your dreams?
You're real cute, but I don't go interspecies.
I'm not talking about me. I shoulding have said man. I should've said bear. The bear of your dreams. What do you think of that big, magnificent hunk of bear there?
Um, I don't think I see him. Oh, is he standing behind that dork?
Oh, no, he is... Look, let me explain to you what's going on, all right? There's a logging company that's gonna tear down this whole forest, everything. The only thing that can stop 'em... is if I can get two Pacific Western bears together. You're a Pacific Western bear, and so is he. If I can get you together and you made little Pacific Western bears, then-- You see where I'm going with this?
Uh-huh, yeah. [walks away] Look, no offense, but I don't talk to bear pimps.
Hey, wait a minute. At least let me call him over so you can meet him. Archie, come over here.
Archie Hey, Johnny, there you are. Come on. I thought we were gonna go work out. Jeez.
Okay, Archie, you're on.
Archie What do I say to her?
Get to know her a little. Tell her about yourself.
Archie Hi! I'm Archie. [nervous chuckle] I like moonlit walks on the beach, uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone, and the soulful sounds of the Backstreet Boys.
You're very weird.
Archie Weird, as in sexy?
No, just weird.
Hey, Archie, uh, why don't you let me take it from here? That was good.
Archie Okay. [whispers] Damn!
What do you think of Archie? Cute?
Oh, don't make me eat you.
Stop that. He's a little uncomfortable around the female species at first--
That's not even really the point. I need a real bear, someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.
Oh. Okay. I can understand that.
Oh, and I'm already involved with someone.
Really? You have a boyfriend already-a "bearfriend." Are you in love this bear?
"Love"? My cousin married for love, and the next thing she knows... he's two-timing her with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.
Okay, so you're not in love?
No.
All right, let's make a deal. Don't make any decisions for a month. I'm gonna go work with Archie, and in a month's time I'm gonna turn that bear... into a bear that you'll be proud to have little bear cubs with.
Archie Check it out! I've flipped for you... [crunch] Pinecone. Gah!
TV Narrator
Bears are opportunistic eaters, finding food wherever they can.
Archie Can we please see what else is on?
You need to watch this so you can learn... how to feed yourself and survive during the winter.
Archie What is he doing? Digging?
You never even wondered what your sharp claws was for?
Archie Uh, no.
Narrator Bears are excellent swimmers.
Archie [shudders]
Not this bear.
I know you're not gonna tell me you don't know how to swim.
Archie Wait, you haven't heard? There's a new invention. it's called... the boat!
That's the last straw. Get up at dawn. I'm teaching you how to fish.
Archie How 'bout noon-ish?
Unbelievable.
[narrating]
And so began the bear-athon, a training mission so "grizzly," so un-bear-able, so hairy-that's enough.
Archie, let's do it. This river's full of fish. Let's go.
Archie Yup. So is Red Lobster.
Don't look at me, look at the water. That's where the fish are.
Archie They're moving. Oh, man, one just touched me. One just touched me!
Look, you big, furry baby, put your face down right now and grab a fish!
Archie No!
Archie! I want to do just like you saw on TV. Put your face under the water and catch a fish can do it. Come on, man. I'm here with you. Go under the water.
Archie All right! I'll try it.
All right, one, two, three...
Fish #1 [Archie inhales deeply]
That's Archie!
Fish #2 What's up?
Fish #3
What's up?
Wassup Fish What's up?
Archie [gurgling]
Hey, fellas, what's up?
Okay, okay, get one.
Archie [gurgling]
Can't breathe!
Archie!
Archie Can't breathe!
Hey! Archie. Archie! [grunting, panting]
[Archie burps, groans]
Okay, Archie. You tell me how smart do you have to be to lift your head out of the water when you can't breathe?
Archie I saw a light. It was a bright light. It was beautiful.
Okay, That;s it. We're gonna take you on a little trip right now that's gonna toughen you up. Come on.
Archie What? What?
We're gonna find something even you can catch. Come on.
Archie I saw my grandma.
Go on, eat.
Archie Oh, I...
Come on, eat!
Archie They're-I don't eat, uh- I'm good. Thanks. [sniffs] Okay, am I close?
Cold.
Use the Force.
Archie Colder? Warmer?
Arctic.
So, how's it going?
It's going great, honey. I'm not even gonna need three weeks. Honey, look, he's already foraging grapes. Right?
Why's he walking away from 'em?
He's not walking away. He's circling the grapes.
Why? Are they dangerous grapes?
No, no, the grapes aren't dangerous, Eric.
Archie Seriously, where are the grapes?
Don't worry, he's doing great. We're right on schedule.
Archie I'm getting dizzy! Ohh! Oh! Oww! [crashing down stairs] I'm okay! Concrete broke my fall! Definite bruise.
Archie Now, explain this again. I'm supposed to climb into a small, dark space and sleep for six months?
That's what bears do. It's called hibernation.
Archie Sounds more like depression. Wait, how do I eat?
Well, you don't eat. What you do is, you eat a lot during the summer. That lasts you throughout the whole winter.
Archie Where do I go to the bathroom?
No going to the bathroom.
Archie [laughing]
What? You're kidding.
I'm serious. What you do is, a week before you hibernate you start eating things like dirt and moss and hair and grass, and it forms a big plug in your, um-- it p-plugs up your, uh- Uh, you know.
Archie It starts to block my own butt?
John: Yeah, it starts to block all of it up with this big, nasty, hairy plug of hair and grass. It's a big, nasty plug.
Archie Whoa, wait. You want me to sleep for six months with a big cork in my own butt?
Yeah, that's the other idea of it.
Archie Okay, good-bye! See you later!
Hey, Archie, come back here!
Archie Nope, I'm gone! See you!
Archie!
Archie Hey, heading south?
Archie, nobody's gonna pick up a hitchhiking bear.
Archie Look, I'll split the gas and sit in the back with the kids.
Come on, Archie, stop it.
Archie I'm sorry, Doc. This isn't working out for it. I almost drowned. Ava doesn't like me.
Look, I'm tired of your complaining. Archie. Okay? Look up in this tree. What do you see, huh?
Archie [bird squawks]
Bird.
Right. A bird in his home. On the branch below him there's a squirrel in his home. And there's a little rabbit in his home. All these animals are depending on you. Hey. you can do this. Just listen to your inner bear. Okay? Just trust him. He'll tell you what to do. Just trust him, Archie. Come on.
Archie Okay, but I gotta tell ya, my inner bear has a problem with the butt plug.
All right, that's it, I'm gonna show you what happens to animals that don't have a home. Come on.
Black Pig
[imitating Hannibal Lecter]
Hello, Clarice.
Archie Uh, Doc, this isn't necessary.
It's time for a little tough love. Come on.
Young Zoo Bear
Look, Iggy! What's the matter, boy? Couldn't make it on the outside?
Archie Hey--
Young Zoo Bear
Come on in, powder puff.
Go on in there.
Archie But wh-why?
There's a couple bears inside that want to meet you. Go. Come on.
Archie I'll just sit over on that side of the cell.
I'm tired of this madness.
Archie [phone rings]
Don't be scared.
Young Zoo Bear
I'll bite ya!
Yes, Dolittle. Oh, hi, honey!
Old Zoo Bear
Don't like to hunt? Don't like to fish? You know what I would give to be in the forest instead of in this dump?
Archie Uh, Doc!
Young Zoo Bear
Do I hear someone talking?
Archie No, no.
Young Zoo Bear
See, that's the problem with kids today-no respect. Kid think he knows my life.
Old Zoo Bear
He needs us to teach him a lesson.
Archie N-No, I just--
Old Zoo Bear
I'm gonna give him a bear hug. Get over here let me give you a bear hug. Get over here, Tiny.
No, it's actually going quite well. I finally got this under control.
Bears
[snapping]
♪ Her name was Lola ♪
Archie Yeah!
Bears
♪ She was a show bear ♪
Archie Whoo!
Lisa, let me call you back.
Bears
♪ With yellow feathers in her hair ♪ ♪ And her dress cut down to there ♪
Archie Where?
Bears
♪ At the Copa ♪
Archie Yes!
Bears
♪ Copacabana ♪
Archie Doc, apparently everyone in this place loves musicals.
Bears
[♪♪ continues, fades]
Archie I'm kidding. I'll try harder.
Can you leave a bit for me? Technically, it is my--
Hey! What's going on here?
I've just been blessed, I feel I need to give back to the hot lady dog.
You don't have to put up with that. Get outta here!
wolf growls]
That is one hot fox.
What's the matter with you two? Don't you know that every female is looking for the strongest male?
Archie But what about personality?
I'm gonna die a virgin.
Shut up and listen. The strongest male is called the alpha male. The alpha male wants everybody to know he's the boss male. You have to be him-- the boss of all the males. You have to learn how to walk like the alpha male. Walk the other walk.
Archie Walk the other walk.
And talk the alpha male talk!
Lucky; I'm on the other walk.
It's about power and respect. It's about pure, uncompromised, testosterone-driven male power!
John, didn't I ask you to line the garbage pails?
You try to line them your (using the other word getting censored) self, woman!
What?
I-I'm sorry, honey. I was talking to the animals. I got a little riled up. I was teaching them something.
Stop trying to mess with those animals here and go and get us something to eat.
I'm on my way. Going right now, honey.
Go.
Way to go, alpha male. Talk the talk.
Shut up!
Who are you telling to shut up?
I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the animals. I'm just going to get the other food.
You sure you don't want another one of these things?
Archie No, I'm fine.
Okay. I got a question for you, Archie. Let's say you spend your whole life in show business. Right? What's gonna be your big finish? Every act has to have a big finish.
Archie Big finish? Check it out. San Francisco Bee. Quote. "The best thing about Archie's act is when it's finished." End quote.
No, I mean in life. Who you gonna share your success with, your hopes, dreams, fears and failures? I tell you what. Everything I do wouldn't mean anything if didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.
Archie Sometimes I do get very lonely. I've never been in love.
Okay, this is your big chance. I think Ava really likes you.
Archie Did she say something? What'd she say?
You gotta learn to read between the lines sometimes.
Archie She loves me? I knew it!
Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?
Archie I feel like I'm about to burst. So, this is what love feels like, wright? Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows. [burps]
I think it's the marshmallows. You ate a whole bag of 'em.
Archie Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.
You know, Archie, I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Archie Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me. Can you stay here till I fall asleep?
Okay, I'll wait till you fall asleep. Then I'm leaving.
Archie Hey, Doc?
Yes, sir?
Archie Can you leave the light on?
Okay, light stays on.
Archie I'll keep these there, okay?
'Night, Archie.
Archie 'Night, Doc. If you want a marshmallow, just gotta ask me, okay?
Archie Look out, Ava! There's a new Archie in town! Oh, yeah! That feels good! Feel it coming! Feel the burn! Feel the wind! Feel the muscle cramp! Oww! Aah! Oww!
Come on, Archie, don't quit. Dig deep. Let's go!
Archie I think I pulled my butt muscle. Ouch. It stings. My butt stings. Could you rub my butt? Could you rub it, please? Rub my own butt. Come back here, rub my own butt. Please rub my own butt.
[narrating]
Doc finally realized he was never gonna make Archie fast enough or strong enough to impress Ava, but maybe, maybe he could make him sweet enough.
Archie Wow, how beautiful can anybody feel?
Why don't you need to tell her that?
Archie Oh, I don't know. I... Oh, my... What is that?
Oh, that's Sonny. That's her little "bearfriend." She told me about him.
Archie But he's a Kodiak bear.
Hey, don't get discouraged, man. Listen, you can win her over. The key to winning a woman over is, figure out what she likes. Take my wife.
Archie Please!
Don't do that. This is serious.
Archie I'm sorry.
My wife, she likes to be surprised.
Archie Like jumping out of the bushes, screaming?
No, nothing like that. They like romance. Do something romantic. Something that says, "I'm thinking about you all the time." You know?
Archie Wow, that's really nice. You do something like that for now?
I used to. But lately I've been, you know, all caught up in this, so I guess I'm a little out of practice.
Okay, candles, fruit, cheese, wine. Perfect.
What are you doing?
Oh, hey, honey. I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's all about you tonight, baby. I've sent the children to the other movies, and the bear is camping in the woods. We're alone.
Oh, yes, alone.
No, you cannot see me. I am at one with the couch. I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber. Oops! I can give you some pointers!
So much for the intrusions.
Hey, come on. It ain't no fun if the homeys can't see none.
Now, where were we?
You were thinking candles and wine would make up for ignoring me the last few days.
I'm trying to sense a little resistance. I took that into consideration. Here's something you need to resist.
♪♪ [Stereo: R&B Ballad]
Lionel Richie
♪ And I feel with you ♪
That's not fair.
Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. Dolittle?
[Lisa laughing] ♪ This love will last ♪
The other show is about to start.
♪ Forever ♪
Archie What show?
It is! It truly is!
♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ ♪ Truly ♪
♪ I'm truly in love ♪
Archie ♪ With Mrs. Dolittle ♪
♪ Truly in love ♪
Archie Oh, he's so good.
Let me tell you, he scratched my belly the other day, my leg went crazy.
♪ Head over heels with your love ♪♪
Hey, what's going on?
Archie Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.
Hey, Doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.
How about planting a little sugar on Dr. D's lips?
I think I can do that.
Oh, really?
Mm-hmm.
Go, Doctor! Go, Doctor!
Archie D'oh!
Ohh!
Deer He broke her! [gasps]
Get outta here, all of you!
The kid's got moxie.
This ain't no peep show!
Archie But this is really helpful. I'm learning a lot. Truly.
Just get out of here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.
Uh-oh. Busted.
You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?
Oh. Well, I w-I was- Well, baby, why don't we just pick it up where we left off.
Baby?
Hmm?
Why don't you sleep on the couch?
Archie W-Wait, what'd she say, Doc?
She said she loves me much, I get to sleep on the couch.
Archie You're the man!
Yes, I'm the man. I'm the man on the couch. [clears throat]
Archie [chuckling]
Hey, baby!
Hi. What's wrong with your voice?
Archie [imitating Dolittle]
You're looking mighty fine. So why don't you plant some of that sugar over here on my-on Archie. ♪ Truly ♪♪
Archie Is that our song? [creaking] Whoa! [thud] Ow! Hard ground! Back!
You must learn how to climb trees. Truly.
Archie That's a bruise!
Hey, come on out of there, Archie.
Archie Never!
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
Archie It was the rudest thing I've ever done before or once or since, and everyone knows I once rode a unicycle in a tutu! A tutu!
Okay, I understand, but we can fix this. We just have to work harder.
Archie Nope, I'm just gonna stay here and hibernate.
Tell him to stay in there. We're making our own bear suit.
No, Archie's fine.
Good, bcause we were wondering, would it be alright if every animal in the whole forest stays with you next week?
Alright, Archie. I'm not playing anymore. You come out here right now, you big coward!
Archie Uh, excuse me, who are you calling a coward?
You. I'm calling you a coward. You're a big coward for quitting like this!
Archie Well, it's hard.
You wanna know what "hard" is, Archie? My wife is mad at me, my daughter's mad at me, and I'm spending my vacation with a pizza boy, who greets me by saying "Hey yo, Dr. D, what's up?" Now, I'm standing here listening to a big, furry baby crying, telling me he wants to quit, because it's too hard!
Archie [whines]
Well, Ava laughed at me!
[mocking Archie]
"Oh, boo-hoo! Ava laughed at me! I love her, and I need her, and she laughed at me!" You know something, you don't even deserve Ava! Why should Ava have to spend her life with a [pokes him] coward like you?
Archie Hey. Don't poke the bear, buddy.
Oh, I didn't poke a bear, because if I poked a bear, a bear would be mauling me. So, I dunno what I poked, but it sure ain't no bear! [pokes him again]
Archie Hey, I'm warning you!
Archie Hey, stop it!
Archie Alright, that's it!! [pushes John over the edge]
Aaah!
Archie Whoa, that felt good. Bear-like.
Hey, Archie, you know what? You're beyond my help! You just take your back to the circus!
Archie A bear? Whoo-hoo! I'm a bear! I'm the alpha bear! Rawr! RAAWWRRR! Uh, bears say "grr," right?
Archie [French accent]
For you, madame.
Thanks.
Archie So does Sonny bring you fish?
No. Not a fish. Usually about a hundred.
Archie A hundred? Wait. No. He can't carry that many. Okay, but does Sonny tell you that you have... the most beautiful eyes he's ever seen? Does he promise to fill your life with love, poetry, laughs?
No. No. Mostly he just asks me when I think I'll be in heat.
Archie [chuckles]
Prince Charming, huh?
Yeah.
Archie [chuckles]
So when is-when is that?
Archie With you or alone?
With me.
Archie Okay. [chuckles]
Archie [Ava giggles]
This isn't a real walk at all. We're running. Why do we always need to run?
Archie [bees buzzing]
Wow.
Yeah. Bears have died reaching that hive.
Archie Well, if you want it, you got it.
Oh, please. Don't even think about it. That's not funny.
Archie No. I'm gonna go get it for you.
Archie, I'm serious. Don't. it's too dangerous. Promise me.
Archie Okay. Okay. I like you, Ava.
I like you too, Archie.
Sonny What are you girls doing over here?
Sonny, don't.
Sonny Beat it, circus boy.
Sonny...
Sonny Oh, you keep your yap shut.
Archie [chuckles]
Your charm is matched only by your odor.
Sonny And what does that mean?
Archie You're a malodorous ignoramus. It's nothing, really.
Sonny What's he saying? I'm confused. And I don't like being confused.
Yeah, he really doesn't.
Archie Really? Well, you think he'd get used to it, huh?
Sonny Let's go, Ava. Trying to confuse me. [mumbling]
Archie Ava, don't go. Look, maybe you can do better than me, but don't do worse. I thought you liked me.
Of course I do.
Sonny Come on, Ava.
But you'll always be a city bear. And I need more than that.
Archie City bear. [sighs] Great.
Archie Whoo-hoo, woo, woo. Hey, Johnny.
What are you doing?
Archie Doc, I know what to do. I've got my big finish.
Look. Come in here. Quick.
Archie All right. Hey, I don't think I'm allowed in here.
Okay, listen. I got to tell you. This thing is over.
Archie I'm just sorry I dragged you into all of this.
I'm going to have to get you an audition in Vegas or something. These guys offered me a deal, and it's the best I can do.
Archie No, no, no. The best you can do is not give up on me, Doc. Come on. You told me, "Listen to your inner bear." Remember?
I don't know, Archie.
Archie Look, I know how I can win Ava.
Okay. I know I'm nuts or something. I'm just gonna give it another shot. I'll just give you one chance.
Archie Yes! Yes!
Okay, let me get over...
Archie Uh-oh. Uh-oh!
What do you mean "uh-oh?"
Archie Ice cream's acting up.
What ice cream?
Archie After Sonny took Ava, I got depressed, and went on a bender. And on the second gallon, I realize, that I'm in love with Ava, and this ice cream called "Cherry Garcia". [belches]
Hey, don't you dare throw up on me!
Archie [groans]
That's not where it's gonna come out! [groans]
Wait, wait, wait, hold on! If you have to do that, then sit on the toilet!
Archie I can't hold it!
Wait! You gotta lift the lid up first.
Archie This is not going to be big enough! Oh, boy!
You'll be fine. Just sit there. I'm gonna keep guard outside.
Archie I don't think it's...
Take care of what you got to take care. Hey. I'll be with you in one second. I'm gonna take care of business.
Who you talking to in there?
I'm talking to myself. I was- Sometimes you got to coax it down.
Right.
Give my sphincter a little pep talk. Excuse me. Come on down, you.
Archie Oh, my G...
I gotta stay in here with you. Let me get the window open. Don't do nothing till I get the window open.
Archie Uh-oh!
The window only opens a little bit. That's not going to be enough.
Archie Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Breaking Wind]
It's worse than I imagined.
Archie [breaking wind]
Whoo! [breaking wind]
Ohh! Ohh! Oh, Archie! You just had ice cream? That's not just ice cream. Oh, Archie!
Archie [breaks wind]
Oh, it ain't that bad. Come on. Whoo!
Seeing-Eye Dog [sniffs] [snores]
Hmm! Is that me?
Archie Talking time's done. It's time to be bold for Ava.
Hawk
He's going after the hive! He's going after the hive!
Owl
[Hooting]
?
Porcupine
Archie.
Owl
Who?
Archie, you idiot. Jeez!
Archie Boy, this cliff's higher than I remember.
Bye-bye, species.
So this is your big plan? Archie, you get back here right now! Come back in!
Archie No way, Doc. I'm gonna do this or die trying.
That bear is one bad mother.
Archie, what are you doing? Archie, you get back in here right now. Stop playing!
Archie I don't think I'm gonna win Ava by eating a bunch of worms. I'm never gonna feel happier than Sonny. I need to show her how much she means to me.
Yeah, and if you fall, it's gonna prove that you're stupid and dead, Archie.
Sonny What's going on around here? Oh, circus boy's got a new trick.
Quiet, Sonny.
Archie Okay, I got it. I got it.
That log ain't gonna hold him. And I know logs.
Archie [log creaking]
Okay! Ohh!
Don't move, Archie! Don't move!
Careful! Careful!
I'll buy you the honey.
Archie Ooh! Ooh!
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Break! Break!
Archie This is not a good idea.
Archie, get down!
Archie I'm fine. Oh, bees!
[bees buzzing]
What's happening? Hold still! I'll talk to them. Work something out. Don't you move.
Archie They're stinging me! No, no!
Uh, guys, uh-
Archie [Bees buzzing]
I can't see! Ooh! They're stinging! Get away from me!
Bees
Attack!
No, no, no! No attack! Hey! Stop!
Bee #1
Defend the hive!
Ow! Hey, Archie!
Bee #1
Get the little guy!
Bee #1
[Bee #2 yelling] [Jack Riley gasps]
Protect the hive! Attack!
Bee #2
Attack!
Bees
Banzai! Banzai!
Archie! Archie! Hey, Archie! Hey! [grunting]
Archie, get back in here!
Sonny Jump, circus boy!
Go suck a salmon!
Archie Ava, I did it for you!
Good job, Archie! Way to go, Archie! All right!
Yeah! He did it!
Porcupine
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Yeah.
That kid's got moxie. I love him.
Okay. Okay, what's the matter with you, huh? What'd you do something like that for, huh? Are you crazy?
Sonny I could have got that hive if I wanted it. Come on, Ava, before I get mad.
Sonny, we're not working out. So, take a hike.
Honey?
Archie Yeah, babe, what's up?
No. I meant, would you like more honey?
Archie Oh, no. I'm good.
Okay.
Archie So, ready to talk about preserving the species?
Well, we could talk. Or you could count to a hundred and come and get me.
Archie Okay. Counting, great. Um, one, two...
Archie [Ava giggling]
One, two, three-
Impressive. He's really counting.
Archie Come on, focus, focus. Uh, one-
Maybe I should stay in the open.
Archie One, two, ten, G, H, P, green, orange, fish.
Pace yourself. Not so fast.
Archie Uh, one, two, three, ten... Uh, five-teen. Okay, 100. Ow! What the-Nap. [thud]
Man
Back up, back up.
Eugene Okay, folks, let's move it back now. We got a wild animal, coming through. Wild animal, coming through. I know you've all seen the show When Animals Attack. Have you seen When Animals Wake Up and Attack? Now, there's nothing more dangerous... than a half-sedated, half-unsedated bear. They have big, sharp teeth and claws-
Excuse me. I'm Dr. Dolittle. What happened in here?
Eugene Well, he broke down the back door, and we found him ransacking the kitchen.
No.
Eugene I'm sorry, Dr. Dolittle. I was rooting for you. All right, let's move it out! Show's over! Let's go!
Hey, Archie, it's me. What happened?
Archie [groggy]
Hey. I was so close, Doc. They came out of nowhere. And I... Are you ready to save the forest? [mumbles]
The good news is, we're setting aside ten acres of forest. We're calling it the Dr. Dolittle Wildlife Sanctuary. We're very pleased about that. Ah, speak of the devil.
Man
Can we ask you a few questions?
You think you won this thing, but you haven't.
Fine. We'll just level your forest and call it a tie. Thanks very much, folks. That's it for today. Thank you.
[Reporters shouting questions]
Archie Hey. Hey, Doc. Okay. Come to get me out?
Sort of.
Archie Sort of? What do you mean, sort of?
I couldn't really prove your story, Archie. So they, um...
Archie What? They wh-what? They what?
They think you're too dangerous to be set free, so- [Inhales]
Archie Yeah? What?
Archie Ai, Chihuahua.
Archie, I am- I'm so sorry.
Archie For what?
For everything. Dragging you out here and putting you through all this stuff. Giving you hope. I feel like I ruined your life.
Archie Ruined my life? Doc, you gave me a life. You're the one who taught me about love. And no one can ever take that away from me.
Hey, Charisse. What are you doing down here?
Mom wanted me to tell you that her motion for an appeal has been denied.
Well, we knew it was a long shot anyway. So, Archie, at least you'll be back in show business.
Archie Ehh, that's not what I want anymore. I just want Ava.
I know you want Ava.
Archie [During Archie's detention, as John and Charisse visit him.]
Looks like I wasn't meant to be loved.
Everyone's meant to be loved.
That's right. Everyone's meant to- [caught by surprise at Charisse's newfound ability] Charisse. Oh, my God! Charisse, since when?
A couple of weeks now. At first, it was kind of fuzzy. But, uh, now it's really clear.
And this is what you've been keeping from us, right?
I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to become a freak.
You're not going to become a freak. Not at all. Hey, look. When it started happening to me, I got scared too. You're just looking at it the wrong way. This is a good thing.
How?
Look at all the good that's come out of it already.
What good?
Well, look at us, like this, huh? How about this, huh? Mm.
Archie Hey, guys. Now I know what I've been missing. A family. I guess that's something I'll never have.
Dad, you got to help him. Isn't there something that we can do? And it's not just him. It's all the animals. There's so many of 'em.
Yeah, there are so many of 'em.
All right. First off, let me say that I'm here only as a mediator. And these negotiations will be between Mr. Potter... and the representatives of the United Animals of the Forest, local 534.
Yeah. Let's come to order.
This is my new proposal.
All right.
What's the stipulations, Doc? What kind of territory are we looking at?
It's only, uh, 12 acres here. It's 12 acres.
I got your 12 acres right here, pal.
Hey, they like it.
I'll give you something you like. Like this. [urinating]
I think that's a "no." Or "hell no," maybe.
Man on P.A.
The last few runners left to load now for one of the biggest spectacles of the year: It's Derby time. Last horse is in. Gate's closed. And away they go!
Horses
Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go!
Horse Jockey Run your own stupid race!
Horse You try running a mile. Don't even think about reaching for that whip, shorty.
Shamu Trainer
Ladies and gentlemen, Shamu!
Shamu Trainer
[audience cheering, applause]
This is Shamu!
Shamu
[audience muttering]
Nah. I don't feel like jumping through any hoops today. Any of you guys?
Killer Whale #1
Uh-uh.
Killer Whale #2
No, no. Not today. I just ate. Uh-uh.
Mr. Potter, I hope we have a deal now.
All right!
Yeah! Good job. Taught him everything he knows.
Vive le bear! Vive le Archie! Vive le docteur! [hiccups]
Archie Come on, give me a bear hug. Come on!
Oh, no. Absolutely not, Archie.
Archie You're not leaving here until you get a bear hug.
All right, give me a hug then. just a little one.
Archie Come on.
Okay. All right. That's good. Archie-- [gagging] Archie! Archie, you're crushing my spine. [gasping] Archie!
Bye-bye. Drive safe now. Buckle up.
Hey, Archie, you in there?
Archie What? Hey, Doc.
Man, I just stopped by to say so long.
Archie Oh. Thanks. For everything.
You are quite welcome.
Archie, I'm ready.
Archie She's in heat. Excuse me, Doc. I got to go save the species. [chuckles]
Oh. Go do your thing, Archie. Yeah, Archie. Archie! [chuckles] Oh, Archie.
Hey, Doc.
Hey, Lucky. What are you doing?
What am I doing? Hmm. Let me phrase it this way. [clears throat, howling]
Oh, come on. Cheer up, Pepito. You'll get it eventually.
No, I won't. I will never blend in. I have a broken blender.
You will blend in. Trust me. You will blend in.
How? How will Pepito ever blend in? Pepito sucks. [gasps] Look at me! I'm blending in! I'm invisible!
That's right. You're invisible. Great job, honey.
Did you ever doubt me? The blendmaster is back.
How about that?
I am king of the third world. Hey, can we do the whole house like this? Is very feng shui.
Boy Bear Cub No, you don't know what you're talking about.
Archie Kids, come on- Hey! Ooh! Over here! Kids! Whoo-hoo! Over here! Okay. Now, it's step, step, turn, kick, step.
Papa, I thought it was step, kick, turn, step, step.
Archie Come on, kids. We open in six weeks.
I thought you retired.
Archie Oh. [chuckles] I did, honey. We're just playing. Okay, now from the chorus. Five, six, seven, eight...
All
♪ I will survive I will survive ♪ ♪ For as long as I know how to love ♪ ♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
Archie ♪ I've got all my life to live ♪ ♪ I've got all my love to give ♪ ♪ And I'll survive I will survive ♪ ♪ Hey, yeah ♪♪
[fades]
Other characters in Dr. Dolittle 2
Dr. John Dolittle
Eddie Murphy
Lucky
Norm Macdonald
Charisse
Raven-Symoné
Lisa
Kristen Wilson
Joey
Michael Rapaport
Ava
Lisa Kudrow
Pepito
Jacob Vargas
Jack Riley
Kevin Pollak
Maya
Kyla Pratt
Beaver
Richard C. Sarafian
Eric
Lil' Zane
Possum
Isaac Hayes
Drunk Monkey
Phil Proctor
Joe Potter
Jeffrey Jones
Squirrel
Joey Lauren Adams
