Shrek [at the top of his lungs]
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!
Most-quoted character in Shrek Forever After (2010): in 25 of its 31 quotes
Most scenes with: Donkey (13), Princess Fiona (10), Puss in Boots (8)
This is the part where you run away!
More lines from Shrek
2 quotes Shrek Shrek Happy birthday, Farkle! Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart, I believe this is yours.
Scenes with Shrek
22 scenes
[As Rumpelstiltskin angrily scrunches up a page from a library book about Shrek]
Uh– sir, you're gonna have to pay for that.
Uh– M-m-maybe we can make a deal for it, little boy?
Oh, I'm not a real boy.
[Coughs as he gets up, then picks up the ripped-out page]
I wish that ogre was never born!
You gave me a day from your past. A day you wouldn't even remember. A day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [Starts humming Happy Birthday to You]
Shrek You took the day I was born.
No, Shrek, you gave it to me.
Come on, Donkey, ¡Vamonos!
Man, you are a cat-tastrophe!
And you, are ri-donkey-lous!
[Beat. Then both laugh]
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
I do?
Shrek You saw what happened, she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [Not listening] I'm a daddy?
Shrek You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once– [He blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] –then I can do it again.
Shrek [Enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Shrek Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight with a pink bow on wrapped around the back of his neck.] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
[He lowers down on the scratching post, the lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek.]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa– [Puss gives him a look] Fa-ancy!
Do I know you?
Shrek Well, where's your hat? Where's your belt? [He gasps softly] Your wee little boots?
Boots, for a cat? Ha! [He laughs]
Shrek But you're Puss in Boots.
Maybe once, [He opens a bottle of milk] but that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek [under his breath]
That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] Eh, I'll get him later. [He starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [She drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
So... you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Shrek Stop! Where are you going?
To save my friends.
Shrek How, by getting yourself killed?
If that's what it takes.
Shrek Puss, say something.
L-Let me explain.
So that's how you knew so much about me!
Shrek Fiona, wait! [jumping in front of her] Kiss me!
What?
Shrek It's the only way to save your friends!
Get out of my way! [walks past him]
Shrek You used to believe that a single kiss could solve everything!
Shrek [Fiona turns around and reluctantly kisses him. However, when they're done kissing, nothing happens, to Shrek's confusion. Fiona, indifferent, wipes at her mouth]
I don't understand. [frustrated] This doesn't make any sense! True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
[sarcastically]
Yeah, well, you know what? That's what they told me too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did! I saved myself! Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale!
Shrek [pleading]
Fiona, don't say that! It does exist!
And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? [voice cracking] Did you live all alone in a miserable tower?! Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?!
Shrek But... but I'm your true love.
Then where were you when I needed you?
[Shrek, stunned and full of guilt, can't bring himself to answer. Fiona turns around and leaves]
Maybe you kissed her... wrong?
Shrek No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
It seems that we are safe.
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow–
Shrek Hey, don't you understand? There is no tomorrow, there's no day after that, and there's no day after that day after that! My life was perfect and I'm never gonna get it back!
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone! Alright? [He sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had.
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek [sullenly]
No. You were right. I wasn't there for you. And not just at the dragon's keep, but...everyday since.
Shrek/Fiona [about ogres using their noses as a horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Do the roar!
Shrek Uh, roar.
I don't like it.
[During the main event–]
♪ Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall.All you've got to do is call. [Rumpelstiltskin and the witches hear and spot him on top of the new hanging chandelier ball] ♪ And I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, yeah– ♪
Shrek Donkey?
And Puss– [Puss descends down the chandelier ball's rope, now wearing his boots, belt, hat and cape.]
–In Boots!
Shrek [Last lines]
You know, I always thought I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Shrek No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss]
Villagers
Hey, Shrek! Shrek!
Villager #1
[holds up his pitchfork's handle]
Mr. Shrek, will you sign our pitchforks?
Villager #2
[holds up his torch]
And our torches?
Villager #3
Man, you used to be so fierce!
Villager #2
Yeah, when you were a real ogre.
Shrek [puzzled]
A real ogre?
Butter Pants' father: Hey! I believe you promised my son a roar.
Butter Pants
Do the roar.
Shrek Uh, roar.
Butter Pants
[unimpressed]
I don't like it.
Shrek Pigs, we need another cake.
Heimlich
But we ate ze other cakes.
[The babies cried some more, and Shrek tried calming them down by bouncing them.] Butter Pants' father: Come on, man. One roar!
Hey, everybody. Shrek's gonna do his famous ogre roar! [The Dronkeys gathered around their dad, excited for uncle Shrek's roar.]
Shrek Not now, Donkey. Pigs, are there any cupcakes?
Dieter
We ate them, too.
Heimlich
Zhey have lollipops.
Horst
No, I ate them.
Dieter
What, you didn't share?
Horst
[frowns]
Well, you didn't share the croissants!
Shrek [The babies cried some more.]
Everything's gonna be okay.
Do the roar.
Crowd
[Pinocchio ran around Shrek, singing and shouting indistinctly. Wolf blew another balloon up until it popped. Then everyone spoke or made noises at once. All of this pressure and tension going on today was taking a toll on Shrek enough; he was losing his patience, trying his best to fight it.]
Do the roar! Do the roar!
We need the cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
Shrek [Shrek couldn't hold it in anymore, so he let out an enormous, furious ogre roar at the top of his lungs that nearly blew everyone away, even ButterPants' hat was blown off.]
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!
[Once he was done, he panted and everyone else was left stunned and silent for a moment until they all cheered.] [chuckles as he hugs his dad]
I love you, daddy.
[Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head, to his annoyance.]
Everybody, I have found... [lifted his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] Another cake!
[Everyone started chanting Shrek's name as Shrek stared angrily at the cake, fuming. The concerned Fiona just noticed the look on her husband's face as he handed Felicia to her mother.]
Shrek, are you okay?
Everyone
[Shrek continued glaring at the adorable ogre picture on the cake, feeling it mocked him.] [chanting]
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Enraged, Shrek then slams his big fist into the cake's center after furiously ogre roars, making everyone gasp in shock. He gave a miserable stare at everybody, and even Fiona, who was more stunned than anyone else. Then he stormed out of the diner in anger. Everyone else just stood, stunned. Even Gingy was stunned as his frosting chaps fell off.]
[Outside, Rumpel was in the trash, looking for scraps, as he saw a plate and licked it, trying to get some flavor. Then he heard the door slam as he hid, but he saw Shrek storm out of the party with Fiona following him.]
Unbelievable!
Shrek Tell me about it! Those villagers are...
I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this really how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?
Shrek Oh, great. So this is all my fault?
Yes! But.... You know what? Let's talk about this after the party, at home.
Shrek You mean that roadside attraction we live in? [mimicking the tour guide] "Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry! He won't bite!" I USED to be an ogre, now I'm just a Jolly Green Joke!
Okay, okay. Maybe you're not the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Shrek [scoffs]
Oh, I wouldn't expect you to understand. It is not like you're a real ogre. You spent half your life in a palace. [throws down the party hat]
Shrek [sighs]
Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when villagers were afraid of me, and I could take a mud bath in peace, when I could do what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Back when the world made sense!
Shrek [angrily]
Exactly!
[widens her eyes in great shock, not believing what her husband just told her; solemnly]
Shrek, you have 3 beautiful children, a wife who loves you, friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that... is you?
Shrek [Shrek doesn't respond; Fiona heads back inside the party, but before she gets in, she glances at Shrek and shakes her head at Shrek, who just glares at her. She sadly closes the door, leaving Shrek alone. Stiltskin heard everything] [bitterly]
That's just great. [leaves]
[Stiltskin peeked out, and his pet goose Fifi, who was now freakishly larger than she was before, peeked out of another trash can, eating some trash. Rumpelstiltskin smirked evilly, knowing this was his chance to finally get back at Shrek, who had ruined his business.]
Shrek If she thinks I'm going to slink back there and apologize, she’s got another thing coming. She's not the boss of me. I'm an ogre, and I'm not gonna apologize for actin' like one.
[from the distance]
Help, please! Someone, anyone at all, help me! Please, help! Please, help! I'm stuck! Help! Oh, please, help! Someone, anyone! Help me! The pain! I can see a bright light. A tunnel! Grandma, is that you?
Shrek Yeah, it's me, Granny.
AN OGRE! Please, Mr. Ogre, please don’t eat me!
Shrek I’m not gonna eat you.
But you are an ogre. [peeks out] Aren't you?
Shrek Yeah, well, I… I used to be. Look, move out or get crushed.
So, you're not gonna eat me?
Shrek No, thanks. I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
Wait up! What’s your rush? Where you going?
Shrek Nowhere.
[grins]
What a coincidence! I was just headin' that way myself. But seriously, let me give ya a ride. I insist. Come on. It’s the least I can do, after all you’ve done for me. I got a hot rat cookin'. All right! So, can I interest you in a mudslide? Slug and tonic? A liquid libation to ease that frustration, huh? Eyeball-tini?
Shrek Well, maybe just one.
Shrek [A couple of hours later, rain was pouring as Fifi was pulling the carriage through the forest. Inside, Shrek was telling a joke to Rumpelstiltskin, and the ogre had had more than just one Eyeball-tini.]
So the centaur says, "That's not the half I'm talkin' about."
[The two chuckled a bit.]
I gotta say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre... no worries, no responsibilities. [takes a sip of an eyeball-tini] You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.
Shrek Free? [chuckles and rolls eyes] That's a laugh.
Oh, yeah?
Shrek Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again. [ate the eyeball off the toothpick.]
Well, why didn’t ya say so? [stands up in his chair] Magical transactions are my specialty! Come on! [He then grabbed all the empty glasses to put them away.]
Shrek Oh, great. Next to mimes, magicians are my favorite people.
[laughed sarcastically while climbing a ladder.]
Hold on. [started rummaging through his deal scrolls.] "King for a Month." "Knight for a Week." [finds one] Ah. [He then laid out one special contract onto the table, titled...] "Ogre for a day".
[Shrek was even more puzzled than ever. Rumpelstiltskin then appeared right next to him.]
Think about it, Shrek. To be feared and hated. You’ll be like, "Roar!" And the villagers will be like, [mimicking scared citizen] "Get away! It’s Shrek! I’m so scared of him!" It would be just like the good old days, when your swamp was your castle. When the world made... sense.
Shrek All right, what’s the catch?
Catch? No. There’s no catch. No catching, really. I mean, there’s something. A small thing. Nothing. A little thing.
Shrek Alright. I knew it. So what do you want?
A day.
Shrek A day?
Ooh, rat's done!
[He put on some oven mitts, opened the stove and took out the cooked rat.]
Well, to make the magic work, you gotta give something to get something. In this case, you gotta give a day to get a day. That’s all.
Shrek I can’t just pick up and leave my family.
Oh, but that’s the best part, Shrek! It’s a magical contract. No one will even know you’re gone. And by the time this day is up, [gives a smile] you are gonna feel like a changed ogre.
Shrek Still, I don’t know.
Hey, no problem. Forget it, no big D. It doesn’t matter. Hey, do you like white meat or dark meat?
Shrek [The short man poured some sauce onto the rat with a soup ladle. Shrek looked thoughtful about this deal.]
So what day would I have to give up? [As Stiltskin got out a knife and fork, he smirked secretly.]
Oh, I don’t know, any day. A day from your past. [starts carving the rat] How 'bout the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet? [bitterly/faster] A day some meddling oaf stuck his big nose where it didn't belong, DESTROYING YOUR BUSINESS AND RUINING YOUR LIFE?! [Of course, he was carving so fast that he ended up cutting through the rat and the plate, breaking it. Shrek looked at him a bit strangely, but Stiltskin quickly realized his behavior, and he hastily regained his composure.] Just for an example. [He placed the plate with the lower half of the rat on the table.]
Shrek Well, how about the day I met Donkey? Now there’s a day I’d like to take back. [laughing]
[laughing]
I don’t know who that is. [gets an idea] I know. What about a day you wouldn’t even remember? Like a day when you were a baby. An innocent, mindless little baby.
Shrek You can take any of those days you want. Take them all for all I care.
Oh, just one will do. [He then got out the ink jar and feather pen, dabbed the said pen into said jar, with a small magic spark appearing.] Okay, good. A day from your childhood it is.
Shrek I guess there’s nothin' wrong with wanting a little time for myself.
Just 24 tiny little hours.
Shrek I’m still my own ogre!
Yeah, you is!
Shrek I never needed to ask for anyone’s permission before.
[Shrek looked down at the contract for a moment, and then looked back up at the deal maker, who handed the quill to the ogre.]
Go on, Shrek. Sign it!
[As Shrek started signing his name in big, bold, gold letters, the deal maker kept urging him to sign it. He was so tense from this that even his nasty toes with yellow toenails ripped out of his shoes and scraped the floor.] Go on, Shrek. Sign it, Shrek! Sign it! [During the tension, Fifi also honked a few times, but then, when Shrek wrote the last letter of his name, the tension stopped. Fifi stopped honking, and Rumpelstiltskin was calm but glowed with excitement.] Oh... you signed it.
Shrek So, tell me. What happens now?
Shrek [He then cackled villainously as he disappeared in a flash of yellow light. Then, to Shrek's shock, the pen disappeared, and the whole carriage came apart as a house would in a tornado, and Shrek suddenly found himself caught in a glowing yellow cyclone, as the parts of the carriage disappeared. The ogre yelled in alarm as he was tossed all around through the air.]
Whoooaaa! WHOOOOAAAAAAAAAA!!
Shrek [Then the yellow background transformed back into the forest setting, only it was sunny and during the daytime. Shrek came falling from the sky and crash-landed hard on the ground, with a jingling sound heard upon his crash.] [groans]
I think I fell on my keys.
[Then the contract came floating gently down towards Shrek's feet. He picked it up, getting up, when suddenly, he heard a familiar voice.
Tour Guide
There are 40 children in that shoe, which is why the weasel goes pop to this very day.
Shrek Oh, great.
Tour Guide
As we head over the river and through the woods, we come across...
Tourist
[points at Shrek]
Ogre?!
[The group, not recognizing Shrek, saw him and all reacted with horror, and suddenly the driver lost control as the horses were scared and ran, resulting in the chariot crashing into a tree. The tour guide and tourists all ran off the wrecked chariot, screaming and heading for the hills. Shrek was a bit surprised at first, but then he realized that the magic of the contract had worked, and people feared him once again. He grinned as he kissed the piece of paper, before laughing.]
Shrek This is the part where you run away!
[So the villagers all ran away in fear. Shrek then leapt off the cart like a diving board and splashed into a pigsty, startling some pigs upon the splash. He then lay back, doing a mud angel, laughing before sighing, glad to feel like an actual ogre once more.]
Shrek Sure is great to be wanted again. [sees another poster] Oh, nice one.
Shrek [Then, when he saw one more wanted poster, there was something different about the others that made his smile falter. It had the face of a familiar ogre. He went up closer to it and saw that it was of Fiona, giving a fierce look.]
Fiona?
Shrek [He then saw more Wanted posters of Fiona on just about every tree, making him worried. He even saw a couple with axes and knives pinned to them. As he saw all the other posters, he began breathing harder.]
Oh no.
Shrek [He then raced out of the forest to get to his home. He raced through a cornfield, breathing like mad, and when he came to the end of it, he saw what looked like the structure of his swamp home, except there were no doors or windows.]
My home. [runs to it] Fiona! [However, the structure was very solid when he came up to it.] Fiona! Are you in there?!
[He then used his ogre strength to pound his way through the soil structure three times and soon created a hole through which he fell in. He got up and saw that the place was empty, and not only that, but it was devoid of furniture. It was all a dark underground setting with dirt and roots as far as the eye could see. He walked around, pushed through some dangling roots, and saw a rat on one root before it, and the other rats scampered away. Shrek then frowned in anger before leaving the structure.]
Shrek [yelling out]
All right, Rumpel! This wasn’t part of the deal! [He looked around and saw all the trees in his swamp all dry and leafless. Not only that, but there was no grass, plants or any swamp water. The place looked like a completely dried-up wasteland.] Rumpel!
Broomsy Witch
[But not an answer came. Shrek took out the folded contract and checked it. Then something flew above him. He thought of nothing, but then two more quick figures flew above him. He then turned around and saw a pack of witches flying on their broomsticks. One witch, Broomsy Witch, spotted Shrek down below.] [points at Shrek]
Ogre! [Shrek gave a confused shrug. The other witches joined Broomsy.] We’ve got another one, ladies! Get him!
Shrek [The witches all cackled as they dove in, flying in a circle around the swamp.]
Who are you?! What are you doing in my swamp?!
Broomsy Witch
[One laughing witch came swooping right at him, but he grabbed her broom, and she ended up yelling in alarm as she came crashing towards a tree. She got caught in the tree with her kicking feet sticking out.]
Looks like a troublemaker!
[She got out an apple, used her teeth to pluck out the stem like a grenade pin and chucked it towards Shrek's feet, to his confusion. Then the apple started spinning around, releasing smoke from it, and when the smoke clouded the spot where Shrek was, he coughed as he tried waving the smoke away. Then, one chain with an iron skull was swung and ensnared Shrek by the arm. The witches continued cackling as another witch tossed another chain with a chattering skull to ensnare Shrek by the ankle, and one more chain grabbed Shrek by the second ankle.]
Broomsy Witch
Spread ‘em!
Broomsy Witch
[Shrek yelped as he was pulled by the chains and lifted in the air by the witches, taking him away. He screamed as he was pulled up and hit a part of what would have been the roof of his home along the way out. The witches cackled some more as they carried their prisoner off.]
Nice job, ladies!
Shrek [Shrek used his fist to break off the chain carrying his arm, forcing him to drop to the ground, but was still being dragged by the chains carrying his legs, grunting as he hit the ground before the witches managed to pull him back up in the air.]
You witches are making a big mistake! I know my rights!
Pumpkin Witch
You have the right to shut your mouth! [drops a pumpkin which explodes with smoke in Shrek's face]
[Sometime later, Shrek was lying down asleep somewhere, as a familiar voice was heard singing outside.] [singing]
♪ Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow 'Til there's none When I'm stuck with a day That's gray And lonely
Shrek [groans]
Donkey, stop with the singing, will you? [His eyes opened up in realization.]
♪ I just stick out my chin, and grin, and say
Shrek Donkey! [hit his head on the ceiling.] Ow!
[Shrek then looked and found out he was in some sort of cage on wheels.]
♪ Oh, the sun'll come out tomorrow. So you gotta hang on 'til tomorrow. [He peeked and saw Donkey, fuzzier, pulling the carriage he was in. There were two witches on top of the cage in charge of driving.] Come what may, tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, Tomorrow! ♪
Shrek Donkey, where am I? What’s happening?!
Cage Witch #1
Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song. [whipped Donkey, making him yelp as he sang a different song.]
Cage Witch #2
Yeah, I’m driving, so I’m in charge of the music. [took the instrument of torture and gave the donkey another lash.]
Will you witches make up your mind, please? [The only response was another lash.] ♪ No matter what they take from me ♪ [The second witch grinned, apparently liking the song as she nudged her partner, who also liked the song. They even started to sing along.]
Shrek Psst, Donkey? What's going on? Do you know where Fiona is?
Shh! Quiet, ogre! You're gonna get me in trouble, and I need this job. I am not going back to work for Old MacDonald. Tell me to E-I-E-I-O. "E-I-E-I-No!" That's what I said.
Shrek Where are my babies? [as Donkey rolls his eyes] And where's your wife, Dragon?
Look, ogre. I think you have me confused with some other talking donkey. I've never seen you before in my life.
Shrek [puzzled]
Never seen me before? Come on, Donkey!
And how do you know my name anyway?
Shrek It's me, Shrek. Your best friend?
[scoffs]
A donkey and an ogre friends? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! [As he kept pulling the cage, Shrek fumed in frustration.]
Shrek Can you at least tell me where they're taking me?
To the same place they take every ogre, to Rumpelstiltskin.
Shrek Stiltskin!
Cage Witch
[hits Shrek with her broom]
I said, quiet! [The second witch whipped Donkey again.]
[singing]
♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪ [Shrek then pounded the cage angrily as he saw something definitely different, and to his horror, it was most of the letters of the Far, Far Away sign destroyed.] ♪ Why don't you hit me with your best shot? Hit me with your best shot ♪
Shrek Oh, no.
♪ Fire away! ♪ [To make matters worse, the green hills of the kingdom were now like a barren wasteland, and the castle is replaced with a huge fortress of a castle with a familiar carriage at the top, with a big 'R' on top as well.]
Muffin Man
[As Donkey pulled the cage through the village, Shrek looked on in disgust at how different Far, Far Away was in this alternate universe. The villagers were all scrounging for something or living miserably.]
It’s time to crumble! Place your bets! Place your bets!
Muffin Man
[Shrek turned, seeing a small crowd gathered around a small makeshift arena, placing bets, with the Muffin Man holding a spatula with a certain gingerbread man.]
We start tout de suite!
Gingy
Yeah! [He gave a battle cry, leaping down onto the small arena while breaking his lollipop to give it sharp edges.]
Shrek [confused]
Gingy?
Gingy
Gingy snap!
Dwarf
[The spectators laughed, enjoying this sport. One of the dwarfs, who was one of the spectators, saw the cage pulling Shrek.] [points at Shrek]
There’s one! Disgusting, filthy ogre! [All the nasty villagers gathered around with scowls, shouting and jeering at Shrek]
Villagers
Hideous monster! Filthy, filthy creature! Disgusting creature!
[One villager threw an overripe tomato at Shrek's face, and he wiped it off with irritation. The villagers continued to shout nasty remarks at Shrek as the cage moved onward. One villager even threw a glass bottle at the cage. Eventually, Shrek, Donkey, and the witches arrived at the castle, which was now guarded by witches in every nook and cranny. There was a shield with an "R" on the front gates, which opened as they approached. Inside, Shrek was horrified to see how different the castle grounds looked. He passed by something he had never seen before: two ogres struggling to turn the gears that controlled the gates. The two ogres looked miserable because they were being forced to work by a witch wielding a whip.]
Slavery Witch
Move it! [whipped one of the ogres as she cackled evilly.]
Shrek [The gate then closed as the carriage headed to the main hall and stopped right at the door. Once there, the cage's door was opened. Shrek was let out but placed in handcuffs and shackles around his neck, which were connected to sticks held by four more witches, as they led the prisoner to the doors.] [quietly]
Don’t worry, Donkey. I’ll get us our lives back.
Yeah, right. Put a little mustard on mine, Captain Crazy!
[The witches laughed cruelly as they pushed the doors open, revealing a large room where a rave party was in full swing. The room was packed with witches dancing and celebrating, with loud rave music blasting. They watched as some witches led an imprisoned ogre through the crowd, which parted to make way for them. Shrek glanced around and spotted the Three Little Pigs, dressed in servant clothes, feeding Fifi some ham. She picked at it for a moment before gobbling it all down. In another corner, he noticed a witch band playing rave music, featuring a pumpkin drum, a broomstick bass, a skull xylophone that produced synthesizer sounds, and a massive brewing cauldron. As the rest of the witches continued to dance and shout with glee, those holding Shrek captive guided him across the ballroom. In a small area marked by red VIP ropes at the front, a certain dealmaker lounged on a throne-like couch, dressed in fancy white clothes. He was laughing and enjoying drinks with four other witches when another witch called out to him.]
Witch
Mr. Stiltskin? [Rumpelstiltskin took a sip from a cocktail drink, glancing at the customer with a wide smirk. spots at Pinocchio] You got another customer.
[turned to Wolf, now dressed as a maid, next to a cart full of different wigs]
Wolfie!
Wolf
[dryly]
Yes, Mr. Stiltskin.
Bring me my business wig.
[cutting him off]
Abupupup! [The miserable wolf placed a Victorian-style white powdered wig over him] Okay, go.
Oh, please make me a real boy!
[got out a rolled up contract and smacked the wolf away]
Go away! [to Pinocchio] Terms are in the details, balsa boy. [rolled out the contract, and pushed it, a quill and an ink jar towards the puppet, who was eagerly ready to sign.]
Sayonara, termites! Hello, acne!
Shrek [Rumpelstiltskin laughed as Pinocchio started signing when...] [angrily]
Stiltskin!
[Then all the music, dancing and talking stopped as all the witches turned towards Shrek.]
Oh, Shrek! [Witches gasp and the music stops; laughs stood up on his desk] There he is! [walked across the desk, he unknowingly knocked over the ink jar, spilling ink over the spot where Pinocchio signed half his name in cursive.]
Oh! So close! [his arm was grabbed by one of the witches and dragged away from the table, without Rumpelstiltskin caring to notice.]
Have I been waitin' for you! [hopped from the table and announced to all the witches.] Ladies, this is the guy that made all of this possible! [They all cheered wildly. Then he climbed up towards Shrek] So, tell me, [pulling on Shrek's ear, whispers] how are you enjoying your day?
Shrek Alright, Rumpel, what’s going on?! What have you done?
[hopped off]
No, Shrek, it’s not what I’ve done. It’s what you’ve done. [skips to his table and sits on it] Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek [roll his eyes]
They would never do that.
They would[Flashback to King Harold and Queen Lillian] if I promised them all their problems would disappear. [King Harold writing the contract] And then they disappeared! [King Harold and Queen Lillian then began screaming as they disappeared, dropping their crowns to the floor. The flashback ends as he holds the King's crown, sighs happily] They would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter’s curse.
Shrek I ended Fiona’s curse!
How could you? When you never existed?
Shrek You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
[pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract]
Here, let me spell out for ya: You gave me a day from your past, a day you wouldn't even remember, a day when you were an innocent, mindless, little baby. [starts scatting "Happy Birthday"]
Shrek [shocked]
You took the day I was born.
No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--
But you haven’t heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you!
Shrek [The witches all laughed as Shrek saw the hourglass with the sand running, which meant the time he had left was running.]
Where's Fiona? [demanding] WHERE'S MY FAMILY?!
Silly little ogre. You don’t get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don’t exist. [Then the witches all laughed at Shrek's misery, making him more enraged. Rumpelstiltskin even taunted him some more] How’s that for a metaphysical paradox?! Looks like you got exactly what you wanted! [mockingly] HAPPY OGRE-DAY!
Shrek [livid]
RUMPEL!! [He lunged at Rumpelstiltskin, who yelped in alarm as he jumped back.] AAAAAHHHH!
GET HIM! GET HIM, WITCHES!
[A witch fired another skull chain at Shrek, but he sensed it was coming this time, so he turned and blocked himself with the chains of his cuffs, just in time for the skull to reach him. The skull chomped the chains, breaking them. The witches screamed in alarm and panic as Shrek then ripped the shackles off his neck, growling. Another witch flying on a broomstick was twirling a skull chain and firing it at Shrek, but he quickly grabbed it and gave it a yank, pulling the witch down to his level. Shrek and the witch were face-to-face. Outside in the halls, Donkey was speaking to two witches, though it was hard to tell if they were paying attention or ignoring.]
You know what'd help morale around here? Flip-flop Fridays. Feet would be comfortable with the breeze on your toes.
[Then, without warning, the doors burst open and Shrek came flying through on the broomstick he took, rather clumsily. He knocked the two witches and Donkey down in the process, and at this time, "Click Click" by Light FM started playing. Shrek yelped a bit as he rode a loop-de-loop. Donkey looked over the edge of the bridge he was on and saw Shrek spiralling downward before trying to ride the broom on the bottom story, though not doing very well.]
Witch
Come on, girls!
[Five of the witches leapt off the bridge and onto their broomsticks, cackling madly as they pursued the ogre throughout the floor. Through the halls, Shrek still tried to get the hang of flying a broom as the pumpkin witch chucked pumpkin bombs at him, but he luckily dodged each one. Back on the top story, Rumpelstiltskin came out, angrily shoving one of the witches.]
Lock all the doors, you worthless witches! [kicks a witch] Do it!
Shrek [The short man then saw Shrek flying up towards him with a stern look, making him yelp. As the ogre on the broom zoomed upward, Rumpelstiltskin's wig briefly flew off his head from the impact.] [calls back]
I'll be right back, Donkey! [zoomed off, trying to figure out how to shake the witches.]
I don't know you. [to Rumpelstiltskin] I don’t know him. [The witches pursued Shrek through a higher story, and when he came to the edge and saw a pole, he smirked, getting an idea. Once he came to the pole, he swung around it and flew back, though rather lop-sided. When the witches saw him swerving towards them, they all flew out of the way to avoid getting hit. Shrek then managed to get a decent hold of the broom as he zoomed back to the bottom floor, dodging more incoming pumpkin bombs. He came back to the floor where Rumpelstiltskin and Donkey were, stopped the broom and glared at the foe.]
I’m glad I’m not you. [Rumpelstiltskin ran off as Shrek then swooped in, but instead of going after the deal maker who stole his birth, he scooped up Donkey in one swipe and flew into another room, with Donkey screaming for help.]
HELP ME! HELP!!!
[Shrek saw the skylight up above, and he smirked, getting an escape idea.]
OH, NO! HELP!
[With the witches still on the ogre's tail, he swung around the golden chain of a huge shiny ball hung as the castle's centrepiece. He grabbed the chain and began to swing around the room while holding the chain, using the ball to smash everything in its path, with the witches (the ones who weren't chasing Shrek) all screaming as they ran to avoid getting crushed by the ball or the debris. While this happened, Rumpelstiltskin could only watch helplessly and in despair.]
No, not my pretty ball!
Shrek [The witches continued pursuing Shrek, with the ogre and donkey getting closer to the skylight, with Donkey screaming and Shrek yelling.] [covers Donkey's eyes]
Watch out!
[The two then smashed straight through the skylight, with the ball getting jammed in the hole, and the flying witches' brooms getting pinned to the ball itself, and some fell off, screaming, and landed on the floor. Outside, Shrek and Donkey zoomed off and away from the castle, with Donkey still screaming. Back in the castle, the ball didn't have anything to latch itself to, so it didn't take long for the ball itself to creak loudly before falling back and crashing into the ground with a very loud thump.]
[turns on Wolf]
Wolfe... my angry wig.
[The witch maids walked away in worry while Wolf removed the business wig and replaced it with a new one, which was a tall, red, fiery wig. Wolf walked away as well before Rumpelstiltskin breathed in anger.]
Shrek [chases after Donkey]
Hey!
[running]
Just take my wallet! I'M BEING ASS-NAAAAAAPPED!!! [Shrek tackles Donkey] HELP! ANIMAL CRUELTY! HELP!
Shrek [covers Donkey mouth]
You need to calm down. I'm your friend.
Shrek I'm not gonna hurt you, all right? Good! [uncovers Donkey's mouth] I'm gonna let go.... right.... now.
Shrek Donkey! You got to trust me.
Why should I trust YOU!?
Shrek Because... Because.... [sighs] OK. [singing] Winter, spring, summer, fall, all you got to do is call... And I'll be there, yeah, yeah, yeah... You've got a friend.
Shrek [Donkey looks up at Shrek and smiles at him, but then runs away screaming]
FINE! GO AHEAD, RUN AWAY, WHO NEEDS YOU?!
[Shrek then miserably walked through the forest and sat down on a log, but upon sitting, a squeaky noise was heard. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the source of the noise: Felicia's ogre toy. He stared at it and held it sadly, knowing he would never see Fiona or his kids again. Then, as a tear began streaming from his eye, he held his head down.] [off-screen]
I’ve never seen an ogre cry.
Shrek [Shrek turned and saw Donkey right next to him.] [wiped the tear away]
I’m not crying.
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or my grandma kissing a baby kitten, [sobbing] or a little baby grandma kitten. That is so darn sad.
Shrek I said I’m not crying!
[recovers]
Hey, take it easy, I’m only trying to help. It’s none of my business why you’re upset. By the way, why are you upset?
Shrek I was tricked into signing something I shouldn’t have.
Oh, you signed up for one of them timeshares, huh?
Shrek No. [pulls out "Ogre for a day" contract] I signed this.
Shrek Yeah, I got that.
His fine print is crafty.
Shrek I know.
His exit clauses are sneaky.
Shrek Yeah, I...What did you say?
I’m talking about the exit clause. Used to be, you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is.
Shrek Donkey, I’ve read the fine print, and there’s nothing about an exit clause in here.
Well, you didn’t expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it’s done. [grabbed the contract with his teeth and placed it on the ground, starting to fold the paper.] I didn’t spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny, little ogre brain couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygenic foldability skills.
Shrek What are you doing?
Hey, I can’t get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you. [Shrek rolled his eyes and sighed as Donkey continued folding.] OK, here’s what you gotta do. You fold this piece here, make this letter match up here, bring this corner here, and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. [Then Shrek saw that Donkey's paper folding started to form letters together to form the exit clause. Once Donkey was finished, he showed the folded-up paper to the ogre.] There! "Try Lou’s Bliss. " [Shrek only gave a confused look.] ...Now, who’s Lou?
Shrek Give me that! [snatched the paper and did some folding himself, and then it showed a heart with the real words of the exit clause, which says...] "True Love’s Kiss."
Hey, boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.
Shrek [rolls eyes]
"According to fairy tale law, if not fully satisfied, true love’s kiss will render this contract null and void." Donkey, you did it! [picked Donkey up and hugged him, with Donkey struggling.] Look at you! If Fiona and I share true love’s kiss, I will get my life back!
Shrek Well, that’s just it, you see. I don’t know.
You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, where did you leave her last?
Shrek The last time I saw her, I told her I wished I’d never rescued her. [His eyes widened in realization.] Oh, no.
[Shrek knew the only place to look was the place he first rescued her: the dragon's keep, and that's where he went, with Donkey following. This time, there was no lava surrounding the castle. Shrek ran across the bridge, hoping to find Fiona.]
Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, no, wait! Wait, Shrek! What are you, crazy?! That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there! [but he screamed when one of the boards he stepped on broke, so he quickly went back.] Okay, yeah, fine! Go ahead! I’m gonna just hang back here and find us some breakfast!
Shrek [Not paying attention to Donkey, Shrek just raced through the castle, breathing desperately. Thankfully, since Dragon wasn't there either for some reason, Shrek had no trouble making it to the stairs leading to the highest room in the tallest tower. He ran up those stairs and burst the door open, causing pigeons in the room to scatter.]
Fiona!
[He looked and saw the bed where he first found Fiona deserted, and the curtains and sheets were all ripped. That's not all he saw. He saw something behind the tapestry of a knight on a steed. He went over, pushing the tapestry aside, seeing markings on the stone wall. They were tallies of all the days Fiona had been locked in the tower. Shrek tore the tapestry off, and the whole wall was marked with tallies. Shrek put his hand on the wall in regret, and then, depressingly, went over to the bed, and there he saw Fiona's princess tiara.]
Shrek Oh, no.
Shrek [He picked up the tiara, sat down and held it in his hands.]
If I didn’t saved Fiona... then who did?
Shrek [He then noticed another object on the ground, and that object was the handkerchief Fiona gave Shrek on the day he rescued her. He picked it up and held it as well. Soon, he returned from the castle, holding the handkerchief.]
This is the favor Fiona was supposed to give me on the day we met. [Donkey looked surprised.] It’s a symbol of our love. [pushes hankie in front of Donkey's face] Now smell it!
Shrek Your nose is the only chance I have of tracking down my wife, so stop complaining and start smelling. [waves it in front of Donkey] Smell it! Get it! Away you go, girl!
Do I look like a bloodhound to you? In case you haven't noticed, I’m a donkey, not a dog! If I was a dog, they'd call me Dog, not Donkey! And another thing... [Then he started sniffing.] Wait a minute. I think I got something. [sniffed the air some more, walking around a bit.] Whatever it is, it's sweet.
Shrek Fiona.
Luscious and tasty.
Shrek [frowns]
Hey! That's my wife you're talking about. [Donkey then abruptly rose his head up, and dashed off into the forest.] Donkey!
[Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.]
Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
[Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.]
Uh-oh.
Shrek [The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out in the direction of the two.] [ducks]
Look out!
Shrek [But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifted the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.]
Donkey! Are you OK?
I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Shrek Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
Ogre #1
Watch your head.
Ogre #2
[He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.]
Hey, it's a new guy!
Ogre #3
Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
He's really tiny, isn’t he?
Ogre #2
Yeah.
[Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.]
Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
Ogre #3
[The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.]
Let's go, greenie.
Shrek Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
Here you go.
[An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witches' clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy and brawled with it. Shrek]
Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek [confused]
Resistance?
[puts arm around Shrek]
We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
Shrek [about soldiers using their horn]
I didn't know we could do that.
Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
Shrek I'll take him! This order's to go.
Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Shrek Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Shrek Let go!
Don't make Papa mad.
Shrek Your dinner is my friend!
Come on, guys!
I got to get the giblets out!
Ogres
She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
Shrek [happily]
Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
[Fiona kicks him in the jaw and sends him flying, yelling in slow motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced, while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.] [walked up to him, handing her axe to Gretched.]
Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
Shrek [Shrek looked very worried at her] [confused]
You don't know who I am, do you?
No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
Shrek [pleaded]
Fiona.
Shrek I need to talk to you.
Shrek [calmly]
OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
Shrek [The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.] [pleading]
Fiona, I need to...
[But Fiona held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.]
Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Shrek Fiona!
Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek [grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.]
Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
Shrek That’s my wife.
Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]
[Back at the resistance camp, a meeting was being held inside a tree, with Shrek and Donkey, who were untied, looking from the outside through some holes in the tree. Fiona has gathered Brogan, Gretched, Cookie, and some other ogres to discuss a battle plan, which was set out on a rock table, with little model figures and everything.]
Listen up, everyone. Word has come from Far Far Away. Stiltskin is leading tonight’s ogre hunt himself.
Ogres
He’s never done that before. What? Why?
I bet that’s because of us.
Shrek Shhh!
If that cupcake-eating clown finally leaves the safety of his filthy witch nest, he’ll be vulnerable.
The plan’s simple. If they follow the usual patrol route, they’ll reach the river by midnight. We’ll be concealed along this road, waiting for his caravan. Once they reach the clearing, I’ll give the signal. And then we attack!
[She raised her actual dagger and used it to slide the ogre models toward the witch models, knocking the latter down and off the table.]
And when the smoke clears... [noticed a model of Cookie with some sort of wagon.] Wait, what’s this?
That’s my chimichanga stand.
No, Cookie. We won’t be needing that.
Trust me, Fiona. Y’all gonna be really hungry after this ambush, okay? Go ahead and finish your little speech.
All right, as I was saying, when the smoke clears, Rumpelstiltskin is gone, and the chimichangas have been eaten. Far Far Away will finally be free.
And so will we.
Spread the word. We move out as soon as Rumpel leaves the palace.
[The other ogres chattered in agreement, while outside, Shrek and Donkey looked concerned.]
Man, this is serious!
Shrek [slumps back]
Tell me about it. How am I ever gonna get her to kiss me before sunrise?
Actually, I was talking about the revolution.
Shrek Revolution? [scoff]
Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you are her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek [sarcastically]
Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon, and you have little mutant donkey-dragon babies?
I do?!
Shrek You saw what happened; she's gonna think I'm crazy.
Donkey [not listening] I'm a daddy?!
Shrek [spots the frog]
You know what? If I got Fiona to kiss me once... [blows into a frog's mouth, inflating it like a balloon] Then I can do it again.
Shrek Donkey, shh. [enters Fiona's tent] Hello? Fiona?
Shrek Puss? [Puss struggles to get out of his resting place, revealing himself as now overweight, with a pink bow wrapped around the back of his neck] You've gotta be kiddin' me.
[Puss lowers down on the scratching post, slowly, then lands on his back on a pillow. He then struggles to get up, followed by facing Shrek]
Feed me, if you dare.
Shrek Puss, what happened to you?! You got so fa- [as he goes to say "fat", Puss gives him a look] Fancy!
Do I know you?
Shrek Well, where is your hat and your belt? [gasps softly] And your wee little boots?
Boots, for a cat? [laughs]
Shrek But you're Puss in Boots.
Maybe once. [opens a bottle of milk] But that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek [under his breath]
That's not the only thing you have outgrown.
Hey! I may have let myself go a little since retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life! I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase. [A mouse runs up to his bowl and starts drinking out of it] ...Eh, I'll get him later. [starts drinking out of the bowl himself]
Shrek Oh, Puss, what have I done to you? You've gone soft.
Well, I do get brushed twice a day.
Shrek Look, it's not too late to fix it. All you have to do is help me get a kiss from Fiona...
Shrek What... [notices Fiona behind him turns around] Hey!
Can I help you with something?
Shrek Well, I know how stressful mounting a rebellion can be, rallying the troops, planning attacks and all that, so I brought you a little something to ease the tension.
A gift basket?
Shrek You’re welcome. So let’s see what you got. [He then got out each different gift from the basket.] Heart-shaped box of slugs. A skunk-scented candle. [sniff] Mmm.
Look, this really isn’t the…
Shrek What’s this? [holds out a homemade coupon book] Coupons! Let’s see, "Good for one free foot massage." "A mud facial!" Oh, and here’s one. [came to one that had a childish drawing of his face on it.] "Good for one free kiss." Let’s cash it now. [but Fiona stops him]
Look, I don’t know what this is all about, but I’m trying to run a revolution. So unless you have Rumpelstiltskin’s head in there, I suggest you take your gift basket, get out of my tent and go make yourself useful.
Shrek Wow. You’re right. I am sorry. I was just trying to be friendly. [holds out hand] No hard feelings? [Fiona decided to shake his hand.] An apologetic hug? [The two hugged.] And a quick kiss goodbye. [Fiona quickly stopped him by stomping his foot then grabbed his arm and placed it behind his back in pain, forcing him to leave.] Wait! Is that mistletoe I see? [Fiona pushed him thrown out of the tent on his back before Donkey came to him with a grin.]
Hey, Shrek! Are my babies cute, or do they make people feel uncomfortable?
Could it be true? Have the years of prim and pampery made me soft?
Don’t be silly. [then got out a comb and crush.] Now who’s a pretty kitty?
Shrek Donkey! [as Donkey opens his real eyes] I hate to pull you away from your adoring public, but I'm not getting anywhere with Fiona. I need your help.
[So as all ogres began preparing all their weapons, Shrek just walked through the camp dejectedly.]
All right, let's get those axes sharpened and weapons packed! Preparation is half the battle!
[Then, Puss began running after Shrek.] [breathing heavily]
Ogre! Un momento! Un momento! [pants] Ogre, ogre, un momento! Just give me a minute.
Shrek Look, Puss, I'm a little pressed for time.
I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark, a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love!
Shrek I AM her true love. I ended her curse.
You know of her curse?
Shrek By day, one way; by night, another. [We see a flashback of Fiona, in her human form, in the tower, shedding some tears as the sun was going down. She then lay down, and in a flash, she magically transformed into her ogre form, as part of the spell, and she lay there sorrowfully.] This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form. [Flashback ends Puss gasped, stunned at what Shrek said.]
You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her!
Shrek How?
Convince her! Go to her when she is alone and tell her something that only her true love would know.
[popped up out]
Know about what?! [Puss screeched from being startled, and hissed at the Donkey.] Whoa! That's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him?
Shrek I know everything about you; I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode.
Big deal.
Shrek I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the I.
So what?
Shrek I know that when you see a shooting star, you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish. I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower. But most importantly, Fiona. I know that the reason that you turn human every day, is because you've never been kissed. Well, by me.
[When the villagers of Far Far Away had pitchforks and torches, running and chanting "Shrek", looking for Shrek, as the coast is clear, Shrek, Donkey and Puss are hidden in an abandoned bar]
It seems that we are safe.
Yeah, it looks a lot less pitchforky and torchy out there. Let's go.
Shrek [bitterly]
Oh, what's the point? The kiss didn't work. It's over.
Look, Shrek, I know things might seem a little bleak right now, but things always work themselves out in the end. You'll see. Well, I'll bet by this time tomorrow-
Shrek [angrily]
Hey, don't you understand?! There is no tomorrow, [voice cracked] there's no day after that, and there's no day after that, DAY AFTER THAT! My life was perfect! And I'm never gonna get it back!
Well, if your life was so perfect, then why did you sign it all the way to Rumpelstiltskin in the first place?
Shrek Because I didn't know what I had until it was gone, alright?! [sighs, deeply remorseful now] I didn't know what I had. [He looked like he was about to cry, but then he felt something and heard tiny shouting. He looked down and saw Gingy hitting and attacking his feet with his lollipop.]
Gingy
Ha! Chah! Surrender now! I'm taking you in! Don't try to fight it, ogre! The reward is mine!
Shrek [picked the gingerbread man up]
Gingy?
Gingy
You unhand me, green devil!
Shrek What are you doing?
Gingy
Collecting my bounty!
Bounty?
What are you talking about, cracker?
Gingy
Rumpelstiltskin promised the deal of a lifetime for whoever could bring you in.
Shrek Deal of a lifetime?
Gingy
[last words]
Where all your wishes come true. [Shrek pondered this for a bit.]
Shrek Wait a minute. I can still fix this.
Now, how you gonna do that?
Shrek [set Gingy down]
You know what? I'm gonna give Rumpelstiltskin exactly what he wants. [turns to Gingy] OK, Gingy, tell me about this... [But to his surprise, there were only crumbs and a gumdrop button on the ground. He looked and saw Puss eating something, and it was apparently Gingy. The cat noticed the ogre looking at him and gave a sheepish look.]
Were you going to eat that?
[Inside the castle, the citizens came with their prisoners, and none of them was Shrek, as the dictator pointed out while pacing and inspecting each one. One citizen even brought in a bag of flour with a scary green face painted on it.]
Not Shrek! That is not Shrek! Also not Shrek! [saw Butter Pants and his father with a big green creature they captured.] That's not even an ogre; it is a troll! Nice try. [sees that Wolf was wearing a Shrek head over his own, claiming to be captured by the pigs.] And that...
Wolf
[dryly]
Roar.
...is just sad. [spotted Pinocchio with his father, dressed in Shrek's clothes and fake ogre ears, with his face painted green and hands tied by a rope that the puppet was holding.] And what is that supposed to be?
Geppetto
I'm just a frightened old man.
Don't listen to him! These ogres are crafty!
That is your father painted green.
No, it's Shrek! Honest! [his nose grew and hit Rumpelstiltskin in the face, making Rumpelstiltskin shout in pain as he swatted it out of his face.]
Oh! Aye! Ow! [to a witch] Take them away! [Witch takes Pinocchio and Geppetto away. Rumpelstiltskin went to his table, frustrated] Can no one bring me Shrek?! Where is he? How hard can it be?! [angrily pounded on the table in frustration] I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! I WANT HIM! [Then the door of the throne room slammed open]
Shrek [offscreen]
Stiltskin! [Rumpelstiltskin jumped up and looked back, seeing Shrek wander through the aisle] I hear you're looking for me.
All right! Finally! [calls out and looks around] Who turned him in? Who gets the deal of a lifetime?
Shrek [took the 'deal of a lifetime' contract out of Rumpelstiltskin's hand]
I do.
What?! But--
Shrek If I'm turning myself in, I get the deal of a lifetime. [He plucked a feather from Fifi and dipped it in the magic ink jar] That means you have to give me anything I want.
[leaped onto the table, stopped Shrek signing it]
No, no, no! Only true love's kiss can break your contract! So if you thought you were just gonna [mimics walking] doot-doot-doot in here and get your life back--
Shrek I'm not here to get my life back.
[Outside the castle, Donkey and Puss waited when all the ogres of the resistance magically appeared, one by one, and dropped from the sky. Donkey saw Gretched falling towards where Puss was, so he used his teeth to pull the cat out of the way.]
The ogres, they're all free.
But where's Shrek?
[They all went up to the gates, knowed Shrek was still inside.] [Long pause]
This is not good.
[Back in the throne room, the villagers have left, and Rumpelstiltskin was leading Shrek, who had his hands shackled, to a dungeon room, with four witches encircling the prisoner and pointing their brooms at him.]
I don't know. Not much of a storybook ending. [mockingly] The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres. [The witches trying to shackles Shrek with chains]
Shrek All that matters is that they're free, and Fiona is safe.
Awww, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that, but, hey, I guess you can tell her yourself. [He and the cackling witches turned to reveal Fiona, shackled as well, struggling to get out]
Shrek Fiona!
Shrek [Shrek and Fiona rushed to each other, but the weight of the shackles and chains held them back. They tried breaking free from them to no avail, and Rumpelstiltskin only cackled maniacally as he watched the two ogres struggle to reach each other in failed attempts to his pure wicked amusement]
Stiltstkin, we have a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
[uncaring tone]
Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, [slyly] is she? [He gave a smug, evil smirk. Shrek's face faltered as he looked over at Fiona worryingly.] By day, one way; by night, another. Blardy, blardy, blar. Ha-ha! [He skipped merrily out of the room in triumph and more triumphantly] Nobody's smart but me! [He and the laughing witches left the room, closing the doors and leaving the two prisoners alone. Shrek gave a solemn, sad look]
That was a really brave thing you did, Shrek. Thank you.
Shrek [sullenly]
No, you were right. I wasn't there for you, and I'm not just at the dragon's keep, but... every day since.
She's right. Rumpel's palace is locked up tighter than Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard.
And that cupboard wasn't guarded by a whole bunch of mean, ugly, nasty witches.
Palace Witch #1
Hey! [The ogres, Donkey and Puss looks up at the two witches.] We can hear you!
Sorry! [Then the ogres, Donkey and Puss huddled.]
We must get into the palace.
Man, Shrek and I just busted out of that place!
But how?
Victory is ours!
[All the ogres shouted and cheered in triumph, while raising their weapons. Donkey then started tapping his hooves with Puss doing a little victory tap dance, until at the end, when the tops of his boots began to split, to the fat cat's embarrassment. Cookie then carried off the worried and defeated villain in his arms, as he and Brogan gave smirks towards him.]
Looks like we're having curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
[When all was settled, Fiona and Shrek looked to each other.]
Hey, we make a pretty good team.
Shrek You have no idea.
[The two then looked at each other, staying silent for a moment, but then Shrek noticed something serious. His hand started to give a bright yellow glow, making him gasp. He saw that morning was starting to happen, so that meant he was beginning to fade away. His legs also started glowing as he fell.]
Shrek?
[She held him up. They saw the magic hourglass of Shrek's life was almost out of sand] [?]
His day is up! His day is... [Cookie restrains Rumpel]
Shrek It's all right. [Donkey, Puss, and the other ogres watch sadly]
There has to be something I can do.
Shrek You've already done everything for me, Fiona. You gave me a home and a family.
You have kids?
Shrek We have kids. Fergus, Farkle, and a little girl named Felicia.
Felicia. I've always wanted to have a daughter named Felicia.
Shrek [last words]
And someday... [The fading ogre then dug in his pocket and pulled out the squeaky toy belonging to their daughter.] You will. [He handed it to her, and she looked at it sadly, before looking back towards him.] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again. [Tears began to form in Fiona's eyes as she leaned her head towards Shrek's face. The hourglass emptied, and the light began to glow brightly all around Shrek's body as Fiona kissed him deeply, and then Shrek began to fade away into nothing but sparkles of golden dust that soon dispersed. As Fiona held him, it seemed Shrek was no more. Then the sun rising behind Fiona began to shine brightly, illuminating the whole room as she sat there on her knees with tears running down her face, which was still green, to Puss's notice.]
Fiona.. The sunrise. You're still... an ogre.
The kiss worked.
[Suddenly, the wind began blasting and brushing by everyone, also knocking Puss's hat off his head. Everyone looked up and saw the magic golden light that brought Shrek here begin to eat away at Rumpelstiltskin's castle. All bricks, shingles and other materials of the castle were sucked away in a magical tornado.] [shocked]
What?!
[Then, one by one, each witch and ogre began to puff away into puffs of yellow smoke. Cookie and Brogan quickly vanished, dropping Rumpelstiltskin, and he then saw Fifi vanish in a puff of smoke as well.]
Fifi!
[Then Fiona vanished next. The horrified Rumpelstiltskin, the only one remaining, twisted in circles in place while shouting in alarm as his whole world around him was tearing away and disintegrating.] [lastly words in the golden tornadoes]
No! No, no, no, no, no! No, not yet! No, I'm not ready! No! Wait! [Then the floor under him, the only thing remaining, crackled away and he began falling down into an abyss of pure golden light while screaming out loud in horror, before everything went black for him.]
Shrek [last lines; The world went back to where Shrek was giving his big, loud ogre roars from before] [resume words]
RRRROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!! [Once he was done, he panted and saw where he was. He was back in his own original world and at his kids' birthday party, as if he never left it. It was as if the magic of true love's kiss reversed everything to the event where he roared. He saw that everyone else in the Candy Apple was left stunned and silent for a bit until they all cheered.]
Everyone
[chanting]
Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! [Gingy saw one of the Three Blind Mice facing the other way, so he turned the mouse around correctly. Wolf then slapped a party hat onto Shrek's head.]
Everybody, I have found... [lifts his cape to reveal another cake decorated like the last one.] another cake!
Shrek, are you okay?
Shrek [turned to see Fiona, the way she was before signing his life away. This time, he removed the party hat and went up to hug his wife.]
Oh, Fiona. I've never been better.
Shrek [Fiona smiled warmly, and the parents then heard their kids playfully roaring.]
Happy Birthday, Farkle. Fergus, my little man! And, Felicia, sweetheart... I believe this is yours.
Felicia
Thank you, Daddy.
Shrek [hugs his children]
Aww!
Hey, Uncle Shrek, how about giving my babies an encore!
Please, señor, let us have it! [The others insist eagerly. However, instead of a roar, Shrek holds his nose and blows a toot through his ears. Then, all three of his babies held their noses and blew smaller toots through their ears. As their friends applaud and Puss waves a little yellow flag, Fiona is astounded.]
I didn't know we can do that!
That's my best friend!
Shrek You know, I always thought that I rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
You did.
Shrek No. It was you that rescued me.
[Fiona beams, before the two share a kiss with their babies hugging them, while everyone cheers. Then, the scene changed to a picture of the still scene on the final page of a book Shrek had out. "The End" We see Shrek's hand closing the book to his own story "Shrek Forever After", before placing the book up on a shelf, but the story is not quite over just yet. Shrek then went outside of his house in the swamp as another party was going on, with a new cover of the song "I'm a Believer" by Weezer from his first film's ending playing. Also, the ogres from the resistance came as guests. Shrek held out a tray of mugs with swamp drinks for them, and each took a glass before two ogres took Shrek and tossed him up in the air. Shrek lay on his back in the air happily. Fiona then caught him in her arms before the two smooched and chuckled. Donkey then slid down Dragon's spine before she used her tail to flick him into her mouth. She closed it before opening it back up, with Donkey's fur all fuzzy as it was in the alternate dimension, but he shook it off. The other ogres tossed a big ball made of their shields in the air, and the Wolf and pigs used the reflection of light off the Magic Mirror to shine on the ball, and Fiona was on top of the outhouse, spinning the ball with her finger like a basketball and also like a disco ball. Puss then flipped in the air and slid across a deck, sliding his sword across it, causing sparks to appear and lighting the villagers' sparklers, making them laugh and cheer. Puss then stopped near a shield Cookie held and saw that it made Puss look bloated (like it did in the alternate dimension), making Puss concerned. Queen Lillian then danced with one of the resistance ogres, passing a memorial with a portrait of King Harold and all the frogs who attended his funeral, each with a drink in their flipper and bobbing along to the song. The portrait of Harold's face was moving by itself, because most likely his ghost was taking its form, and gave a short smile. Even Fifi was there, seeing a small bluebird, snapping at it, trying to eat it, but the bluebird landed on Shrek's finger, and Fiona sang a high note, making not only the bluebird puff up, but Fifi puff up as well. Then Rumpelstiltskin, in a round cage, turned away from this, as there was an explosion of white feathers. When he looked, he saw that both birds had exploded, and all that was left of Fifi was her webbed feet. Everyone was stunned at first before they burst out laughing, while the horrified Rumpelstiltskin couldn't help but grieve for the loss of his pet, but before he could, he began to dance unwillingly, due to the Pied Piper using his flute power on the captured villain while outside the cage. Everyone then cheered for the small concert being given to them by Brogan, Cookie and Gretched. Brogan and Gretched were on guitars, while Cookie was on the drums. Then the three held their noses and blew through their ears. Some of the witches, who were also there and not on Rumpelstiltskin's side in this world, began taking off on their broomsticks for a joyride, cheering and whooping. However, the fifth witch couldn't take off because her broom turned out to be Pinocchio's nose grown long. She looked at the puppet behind her and shook her head. The other four witches flew through the sky and created a rainbow pattern with magic dust. Three of the Dronkeys flew up, each one carrying one of Shrek's kids in the air, going for a joyride themselves. Even Butter Pants was riding a Dronkey himself. At a stump, Gingy was riding an animal cracker horse, with the other animal crackers gathered around him. The Three Pigs appeared, not helping but finding the animal crackers tasty.]
Dieter
Yummy!
[The pigs chowed down on all the animal crackers, leaving nothing but Gingy and his horse. Shrek and Fiona danced with each other before falling backwards in the mud. Now the ogre couple, and pretty much everyone else, except Rumpelstiltskin, the Dronkeys and Dragon, were all making mud angels in the mud, laughing and enjoying themselves, as the Dronkeys flew up in the air.]
