Austin Powers The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it!
Most-quoted character in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999): in 39 of its 80 quotes
Most scenes with: Fat Bastard (13), Felicity (13), Doctor Evil (5)
I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot... all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (laughs and claps with the fembot hand, then throws it away) YEAH!
More lines from Austin Powers
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Austin Powers Hey! In Like Flint! That's my favorite movie.
Austin Powers Mission Control, the swinger has landed.
Scenes with Austin Powers
34 scenes Austin ("Vanessa" tries choking him)
Vanessa! You're a fembot!
Vanessa No shit, Sherlock! (throws Austin aside and releases machine guns in breasts)
Austin Machine gun jubblies? How did I miss those, baby?
Vanessa Perhaps next time you should try foreplay.
Austin Right. (to himself) Oh, my God!
Dr. Evil's voice
("Vanessa" shoots her machine guns to Austin and stops firing as Austin uses the white flag to surrender)
Here's your wedding present, Mr. Powers. A kamikaze bride from me: Dr. Evil. (countdown reaches zero. Head explodes, destroying bits of the hotel room)
Austin (unharmed, checks to see if his crotch is intact)
Oh, thank God.
Ivana. Ivana Humpalot.
Austin Excuse me?
Ivana Humpalot.
Austin And Ivana Toilet-Seat-Made-Out-Of-Solid-Gold, but its just not in the cards now, is it? [laughs]
Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin Mm, I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
Austin I guessed wrong.
Austin [Looking through binoculars around neck]
Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.
Let me look. [Pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]
Austin Arrgh!
Damn it! [Pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?
Austin [Stuck in Felicity's cleavage]
Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!
Austin?
Austin Don't smack my bottom, mummy!
Austin?
Austin [Pulls himself up]
Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows. Hmmm...
Let's look at the map. [Drags Austin, by the binoculars, into a tentpole.]
Austin Oh, blimey!
Austin Those are skin tight. How do you get into those pants baby?
You can start by buying me a drink.
[Austin exhales sharply and heavily]
Austin Who sent you?!
Mustafa You'll have to kill me.
Austin Who sent you?!
Mustafa Kiss my ass, Powers!
Austin Who sent you?!
Mustafa Dr. Evil!
That was easy.
Austin That was easy.
Why did you tell us?
Mustafa I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.
Austin Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Austin Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Mustafa You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
Austin (quickly)
Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!
Mustafa Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Austin Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
Mustafa (spits)
I spit at the question.
Austin Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?
Mustafa Go to hell, Powers.
Austin Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?
Mustafa I will take it to the grave with me.
AHA! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.
Mustafa No, no, no! The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?", so that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Austin He's right.
Austin [Austin picks up a boiling pot, with a stool sample from Fat Bastard inside]
Cor blimey, Basil— this coffee smells like shit.
It is shit, Austin.
Austin Oh good, then it's not just me. [he drinks and smacks his lips while everyone else there looks on with disgust] It's a bit nutty.
What do you think of these, my man?
Guard
[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]
Mommy!
Austin [Guard rushes foward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
What a... burn. [laughs]
Austin That sort of thing could get a man... fired. [laughs]
Austin I think he was... hot... for... you. [laughs]
That's enough.
Austin Yeah.
Austin [Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet] [Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]
Gotcha!
Austin [Dr.Evil switches off his speaker unit]
And now I'm going to kill you!
Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.
Austin Really?
My name is Robin Swallows, maiden name Spitz.
Austin Well, which one is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows?
(As Robin Swallows and Austin fall from Austin's apartment.)
The fall will kill us both, Powers!
(Austin moves Swallows in front of him to both break his fall and kill her as well. They land hard on the sidewalk.)
You can't win, Powers.
Austin (Patty O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his submachine gun and opens fire.)
Why won't you die?!
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a plan. I have developed-- (The espresso machine in the back suddenly makes a deafening noise as Dr. Evil continues to explain his plan to his cabinet though no words are heard)
No? Nothing? Ladies and gentlemen, I have developed-- (The espresso machine goes off again and Dr. Evil patiently waits for it to stop)
Number Two, if that happens once more, I'm gonna have your balls for breakfast. Okay? Yeah. Denny's style.
Austin Powers Would you happen to know a man named Mr. Evil?
I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Austin Powers Really? I said Mr. Evil. ... Would you care for something to drink? Would you like a Mr. Pepper?
I would love a Dr. Pepper.
Austin Powers Really? I said Mr. Pepper.
You were married? I can't believe that! You were a famous swinger! What was her name?
Austin Powers Vanessa. She was a special woman. It really broke my heart when she turned out to be a robot.
You mean she was uptight and never expressed her feelings?
Austin Powers No, I mean she was constructed of plastic, wire, fore bearings, and what have you. Yeah. She had a tin clunge.
Austin [answering a video call while driving]
Hello, Basil.
Hello, Austin. How was your honeymoon?
Austin It turns out that Vanessa was a fembot.
Yes. We knew all along, sadly. [then, without pausing for a moment] Anyway, I have a new assignment for you.
Austin [shooting photos]
Okay, you're an animal! Yes, there we go. You're a tiger! You're Tony the Tiger! You're grrreat! Very good. Loving it. Now you're a lemur. Running as a pack. We go left. We go right. There's a predator out of the jungle. What's going on? Burrow! That's right, you're a lemur. That's all you've got. You don't have sharp teeth capable of biting. Make an interconnected series of tunnels like the Viet Cong. And look. I'm not even shooting you. It's crazy. And I'm spent. [gives away a camera]
Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
Austin I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
Austin I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intellect to play chess, Mr. Powers. I assume you know how to play.
Austin Of course, baby.
Austin Let me ask you a question. And be honest. Do I make you horny, baby? Do I? Do I make you randy?
[gets up from the table]
No more games. Dr. Evil sent me here to kill you, but I find you so... [pause] sexy! Just make love to me. Now, Austin Powervich! Hurry! [Austin rips his shirt open] Oh, you are hairy like animal!
Austin Grr, baby! Very grr!
Make love to me, monkey man!
[Fat Bastard visits the frozen Austin Powers in 1969, and uses the tube to steal Austin's mojo. While Austin is making love with Ivana in 1999, he sits up in full shock]
Austin? What's wrong?
Austin Crickey! I lost my mojo!
Austin [about to travel back to 1969]
Wait a tick. Basil, if I travel back to 1969, and I was frozen in 1967, presumably, I could go visit my frozen self. But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to... [cross-eyed] Oh, no. I've gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing, and just enjoy yourself. [to the home audience] That goes for you all, too.
Austin [to the home audience]
Yes.
Austin Powers, I presume.
Austin Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
Austin Oh, be-have.
Not if I can help it.
Prepare to die, Powers! Use the machine gun! [her accomplice fires a machine gun, and Austin uses her as a human shield until it clicks empty] Say goodbye, Powers! [he drops her to the floor] Use the bazooka!
Austin [Her accomplice raises a bazooka]
No! No! [uses Robin as a shield again]
[The force knocks them out of a window from Austin's pad]
The fall will kill us both, Powers! [Austin moves her in front of him to break his fall; they land hard on the sidewalk; still alive] You can't win, Powers.
Austin [O'Brien looks over the edge, reloads his machine gun, and opens fire]
Why won't you die?!
Austin [as Mini-Me shoots a tranquilizer dart onto Mustafa's neck]
If you're preaching to the converted, then why are you being so slavish to the three question form? It's my question. You're not even looking at me, man. You're just being rude, you know that? You're not listening, man.
[Mustafa screams, falls off the edge of a cliff]
Austin [visiting his frozen past self]
Look at yourself. You used to be so virile. You were a swinger, man. And now you're nothing. But at least it can't get any worse.
[Cuts to Felicity and Fat Bastard in bed]
Hello, everybody!
Austin Hello, Basil!
The results are in. We've discovered trace elements of a rare vegetable found only on one island, here, in the Caribbean.
Austin Whoop-de-doo! What does it all mean, Basil?
It means that this is the location of Dr. Evil's lair!
Austin Smashing, Basil. [sniffs his "coffee", then frowns] Cor! This coffee smells like shit!
[looks at Fat Bastard's stool sample, from which Austin has inadvertently poured into his mug]
It is shit, Austin.
Austin Oh, good. Then it's not just me. [drinks the sample and smacks his lips] It's a bit nutty.
Austin According to this map, the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.
I want to make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.
Austin Look in the bottom.
Okay, I'll dig a little deeper. [from the view outside their tent, their silhouettes make it look like she's removing items from his rear end] Wow, this bag is really full.
Austin Just keep digging, darling.
I'll just feel around for them. [taking a rope out of the bag] Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here?
Austin Oh, anything that catches my fancy, you know. Give it a good tug.
Austin I'll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much. Okay.
Sorry.
Private Army Soldier [in disgust]
Oh, my God.
Austin Yes, it does that from time to time.
Austin Yes.
Yuck.
Austin Yeah, that's nasty. Yeah, sorry about that.
Private Army Soldier [in disgust]
Oh, these people make me sick.
Austin Can you snap me a beer? [Felicity opens one and takes a drink, then shrieks] What is it?
It's a gerbil. How did that get in your bag?
Austin I...I don't know.
I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation. You're the reason I became a spy. I thought that I wanted to be you, but then I realized that...I want to be with you.
Austin [softens, realizing she's right]
You do?
[smiles]
Yeah. [Austin smiles in relief, and leaps to the safer side next to her] We need to get past that one inept guard.
Austin Right, here's the plan. What if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit, line it with makeshift Punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape. What do you think?
That might work, but what about this? [unhooking the front of her top; to the guard] What do you think of these, my man? [exposes her breasts]
Guard
Mommy! [rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
Austin What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]
That's enough.
Austin Yeah.
[They leave]
Austin [Austin had ejected Mini-Me into space] [solemnly]
Poor little bugger. [salutes] I salute you. [goes to find Dr. Evil]
[Austin arrives at the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Austin [shocked]
Felicity!
Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
[After Austin prevents the laser from shooting the Earth, Felicity passes out in the gas chamber and dies]
You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!
Austin [horrified]
NO! No! No!
[Austin races back to the helm and finds the Time Portal. He sets to 10 minutes and enters the portal. Cut to 10 minutes earlier, Austin appears from the Time Portal, just as his past self enters the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Past Austin
[shocked]
Felicity!
[Austin races up to his past self]
Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Austin [arrives]
I choose love, baby.
Past Austin
[Everyone is shocked]
Wait a tick. Who are you?
Austin I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin
Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Austin [laughs]
I was just thinking the same.
Past Austin
We are sexy!
Austin We are sexy bitches, yes!
Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Austin My mojo! I'm useless without it.
But you don't need it. You've had it all along.
Austin What do you mean?
You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world, and believe me, you're gonna get the girl.
Austin [grins]
Well!
I want to see what happens in the 70s and 80s.
Austin The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything, believe me. I've looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it.
Austin Well, I know the '90s might sound boring, but as far as I'm concerned, I've brought the best part of the '60s back with me. You.
[They kiss]
Listen, missy! [aims the gun] Do you fancy another go? 'Cuz once you've had fat, you'll never go back! [laughs]
Austin [very mad]
You shut your mouth, you bastard! [pause] Who is fat.
Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself. [farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. [pauses; then resumes] Ach, who am I kiddin'?! I'm still gonna kill you, anyway! [charges at them, but Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!
That's for calling me crap, ya fatty.
Austin [Fat Bastard screams slowly as he falls to the ground, shaking the room very hard] [to Felicity]
Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a fat bastard, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket.
