[Looking through binoculars around neck]
Dr. Evil's headquarters is just over that next ridge.
Felicity Let me look. [Pulls binoculars, with Austin, across]
Felicity Damn it! [Pulls binoculars down] How do we get in?
[Stuck in Felicity's cleavage]
Hello, Mummy. Mummy, can I have some chocolate? I want some Mars bars!
Felicity Austin?
Don't smack my bottom, mummy!
Felicity Austin?
[Pulls himself up]
Sorry, love. I got stuck in your dirty pillows. Hmmm...
Felicity Let's look at the map. [Drags Austin, by the binoculars, into a tentpole.]
M Mustafa
You'll have to kill me.
M Mustafa
Kiss my ass, Powers!
Felicity That was easy.
Felicity Why did you tell us?
M Mustafa
I can't stand to be asked the same question 3 times. It just irritates me.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
M Mustafa
Why would he tell me? I'm just one of his low-level functionaries.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
M Mustafa
You'll have to torture me. I'll never tell you.
(quickly)
Where's Dr. Evil hiding?!
M Mustafa
Damn! 3 times! He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Where is Dr. Evil's secret volcano lair?
M Mustafa
(spits)
I spit at the question.
Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?
M Mustafa
Go to hell, Powers.
Fine. Where is Dr. Evil's secret... volcano... lair?
M Mustafa
I will take it to the grave with me.
Felicity AHA! You have to answer. He asked you 3 times.
M Mustafa
No, no, no! The second question was: "Do I really have to ask you 2 more times?", so that would be the first question in a new line of questioning, and wouldn't count in the other line of questioning.
Felicity What do you think of these, my man?
G Guard
[Felicity exposes her breasts to the guard]
Mommy!
[Guard rushes foward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
What a... burn. [laughs]
That sort of thing could get a man... fired. [laughs]
I think he was... hot... for... you. [laughs]
Felicity That's enough.
You want some chicken? I have more!
Felicity No, thanks...
[Fat Bastard rolls over to get more food at the side of his bed. Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse and notices an opening in his ass] [voice-over, via Felicity's memory]
Remember, by any means necessary.
[Felicity sticks it in his anus]
Oooooh, frisky are we? Give it up! [He rolls on top of her and she yelps]
Felicity Austin Powers, I presume.
Powers by name, powers by reputation.
Felicity Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation.
Felicity Not if I can help it.
[in the video call]
Hello, Agent Shagwell. Where's Austin?
Felicity I must have said something wrong, so he just left all of a sudden.
Listen, Felicity, I don't want you getting too close to Austin. It's not meant to be.
Felicity I don't get too close to anybody, Basil. My interest in this case is purely professional.
Good. Then you won't mind tracking down Fat Bastard tonight.
Felicity No problem.
We need you to plant this homing device on him by any means necessary.
Felicity No problem.
Keep up the good work. Remember, by any means necessary.
According to this map, the entire island is crawling with Dr. Evil's guards.
Felicity I want to make sure the explosives didn't get wet, but I can't find them.
Felicity Okay, I'll dig a little deeper. [from the view outside their tent, their silhouettes make it look like she's removing items from his rear end] Wow, this bag is really full.
Just keep digging, darling.
Felicity I'll just feel around for them. [taking a rope out of the bag] Good Lord, Austin. What sort of things do you keep in here?
Oh, anything that catches my fancy, you know. Give it a good tug.
Felicity [taking out an umbrella]
Oh, do we really need this?
I'll ask you not to open that inside, thank you very much. Okay.
Felicity Sorry.
PA Private Army Soldier
[in disgust]
Oh, my God.
Felicity [something gaseous goes off]
Oops, it went off.
Yes, it does that from time to time.
Felicity [coughing from the contents of a smoke bomb]
Ugh.
Felicity Yuck.
Yeah, that's nasty. Yeah, sorry about that.
Felicity [trying to waft away the odor]
Smelly.
PA Private Army Soldier
[in disgust]
Oh, these people make me sick.
Can you snap me a beer? [Felicity opens one and takes a drink, then shrieks] What is it?
Felicity It's a gerbil. How did that get in your bag?
Felicity I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you would do in the same situation. You're the reason I became a spy. I thought that I wanted to be you, but then I realized that...I want to be with you.
[softens, realizing she's right]
You do?
Felicity [smiles]
Yeah. [Austin smiles in relief, and leaps to the safer side next to her] We need to get past that one inept guard.
Right, here's the plan. What if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The guard, drawn by my cries of pain, comes to investigate. Meanwhile, you dig a pit, line it with makeshift Punji sticks made from sharpened toothbrushes. The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, we escape. What do you think?
Felicity That might work, but what about this? [unhooking the front of her top; to the guard] What do you think of these, my man? [exposes her breasts]
G Guard
Mommy! [rushes forward and plunges to his death in hot magma]
What a..."burn?" [laughs] That sort of thing could get a man..."fired?" [laughs] I think he was..."hot"...for...you. [laughs]
Felicity That's enough.
[Austin arrives at the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Felicity [reveals to be in the gas chamber]
Austin!
Felicity Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
[Austin races back to the helm and finds the Time Portal. He sets to 10 minutes and enters the portal. Cut to 10 minutes earlier, Austin appears from the Time Portal, just as his past self enters the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Felicity [reveals to be in the gas chamber]
Austin!
PA Past Austin
[shocked]
Felicity!
Felicity [Austin races up to his past self]
Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
[arrives]
I choose love, baby.
PA Past Austin
[Everyone is shocked]
Wait a tick. Who are you?
I'm you ten minutes from now.
PA Past Austin
Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
[laughs]
I was just thinking the same.
PA Past Austin
We are sexy!
We are sexy bitches, yes!
Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
Felicity [Dr. Evil's moon base is set to self-destruct]
We have to go. We have to go now.
My mojo! I'm useless without it.
Felicity But you don't need it. You've had it all along.
Felicity You defeated Dr. Evil, you saved the world, and believe me, you're gonna get the girl.
Of course I'm not happy! Look at me, I'm a big fat slob. I've got bigger titties than you do. I've got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. I've not seen my willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead. [on the verge of tears] I can't stop eating. I eat because I'm unhappy, and I'm unhappy because I eat. It's a vicious cycle. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's someone I'd like to get in touch with and forgive. Myself. [farts] Sorry. I farted. It's a long road ahead. [pauses; then resumes] Ach, who am I kiddin'?! I'm still gonna kill you, anyway! [charges at them, but Felicity kicks him in the crotch] Oh-h-h, right in the mummy-daddy button!
Felicity That's for calling me crap, ya fatty.
[Fat Bastard screams slowly as he falls to the ground, shaking the room very hard] [to Felicity]
Listen, baby, I don't care if he is a fat bastard, you don't give a man a shot in the pills. It's just not cricket.
