Doctor Evil Fire the laser!
3rd most-quoted character in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999): in 29 of its 80 quotes
Most scenes with: Fat Bastard (11), Austin Powers (5), Scott (5)
All I asked for was a fricking rotating chair, OK?! Okay, getting a little afraid. I need an old priest and a young priest. The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! Whoa, hello! Okay, sick as a dog now. (spits) Okay. Gonna vom...
More lines from Doctor Evil
10 quotes Doctor Evil Doctor Evil Mini-Me, stop humping the laser! Honest to God, why don't you and the giant laser get a fricking room, for Christ's sake?
Doctor Evil The world is mine! The world is mine, ya (bleep)!
Doctor Evil I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
Doctor Evil Why make trillions when we can make billions?
Doctor Evil Mini-Me, are you hungry? Something to eat? Not even a Hot Pocket? An Eggo?
Doctor Evil We don't gnaw on our kitty. Leave Mi--no. Leave Mini Mr. Bigglesworth alone.
Doctor Evil [to Scott]
You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.
Doctor Evil Mini-Me, you complete me.
Doctor Evil Ow! You shot me, you a-hole!
Scenes with Doctor Evil
18 scenes Dr. Evil [with coffee on his nose]
Frau Farbissina, Wie geht es Ihnen? (How are you)
Sehr gut, Herr Doctor. (Very good, Doctor.)
Dr. Evil How are things?
I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak its name. To my right is my lover. [reveals tough female] We met at the LPGA Tour. Her name is Unibrou. [Unibrou reveals her one-eyebrow]
Dr. Evil Right on. Welcome Unibrou.
[Number Two looks around as if he thinks they're crazy]
Doctor, you, uh... [points to the nose]
Dr. Evil What, what?
You've got a...little milk-nose...mustache.
Dr. Evil [looks at himself in a mirror]
I know, I know. I meant to. That's how we drink it in Belgium. It's called a Belgian Dip.
Dr. Evil [about his new "laser"]
You see, I've turned the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
Dr. Evil [Scott snickers]
What?
Oh, nothing, Darth.
Dr. Evil What did you call me?
Nothing. [pretends to sneeze] Ripoff.
Dr. Evil Bless you.
Dr. Evil The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. So therefore, it is fitting to call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".
Dr. Evil [Scott snickers]
What?
The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982. Why don't you just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?
You know I will never love another man.
Dr. Evil ...Well, yes. That's true.
[Austin chases Dr. Evil who is wearing a space suit with helmet] [Austin shoots and hits Dr. Evil in his thigh]
Gotcha!
Dr.Evil [Dr.Evil sits up and switches on his speaker unit]
Owww! You shot me, you a-hole!
Dr.Evil [Dr.Evil switches on his speaker unit]
But before you do...
Dr.Evil [Dr.Evil stands up and in a deep voice]
Know this. [pause]
Dr.Evil Austin. [Heavy, Darth Vader style breathing/voice] I am your father.
Really?
Dr.Evil [normal voice]
No. Not really. I can't back that up.
Dr.Evil (Frau shoots Austin's gun, Austin quickly drops his gun, Austin runs back to the main chamber to use the time machine) (Without his speaker unit on. Mouths "Good work" to Frau.)
Dr.Evil (Frau doesn't hear him) (Still without his speaker unit on. Yells "Good work" to Frau, and is barely heard)
Dr.Evil (Frau still doesn't hear him) (Turns on his speaker unit.) (yells)
Good work! (winces in pain at volume. Falls down)
Dr. Evil [Dr. Evil and Scott are at the Jerry Springer Show]
Hello, Scott. Daddy's back.
How could you do this to me? On national television?!
Dr. Evil Well, throw me a frickin' bone here, Scott.
Why'd you run out on me?
Dr. Evil Because you're not quite evil enough.
Dr. Evil [audience starts "aw"ing] [to audience]
Well, it's true. [to Scott Evil] You're quasi-evil. You're semi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie. Not evil enough.
Man with white hood (Apparently a member of the Ku Klux Klan): What are you, some kinda freak?!
[audience laughing] :
Dr. Evil OK, come on.
Man with white hood
[stands up, too]
I'll kick your (bleep), punk.
Bring it on, you skanky (bleep)!
Dr. Evil No one talks to my son like that. It's okay, Scott. (to man with white hood) You mother(bleep)! (stands up and attacks man with white hood)
(audience going crazy, as well as numerous bleeping, Jerry's bodyguards stopping the fighting people) :
Dr. Evil (yelling at man with white hood)
You were born in your mother's (bleep)!
Audience
(chant)
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
Johnson
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel
What is it, son?
Johnson
I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
Jet Pilot Dick.
Dick
Yeah?
Jet Pilot Take a look out of starboard.
Dick
Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
Bird-Watching Woman
Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man
[raising binoculars]
Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman
Wait, that's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's--
Army Sergeant Privates! We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with--
Baseball Umpire
Two balls.
Baseball Umpire
[looking up from game]
What is that. It looks just like an enormous--
Chinese Teacher Wang, pay attention!
Wang
I was distracted by that giant flying--
Musician
Willie.
Willie Nelson Yeah?
Musician
What's that?
Willie Nelson [squints]
Well, that looks like a giant--
Colonel
Johnson?!
Johnson
Yes, sir?
Colonel
Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
Later, as Dr. Evil is escaping:
Did we get Dr. Evil?
Johnson
No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge--
Schoolteacher
Penis. The male reproductive organ. Otherwise known as tallywhacker, schlong or--
Dad Weiner? Any of you kids want another weiner?
Son
Dad? What's that? points at rocket
Dad I don't know, son, but it's got great big--
Peanut seller
Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some-- Lord Almighty!
Woman
That looks just like my husband's--
Ringmaster
One-eyed monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
One-eyed Monster
jumps out and scares crowd, then points to the rocket Hey, what's that? It looks like a big--
female Fan Woody! Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?
Woody Harrelson
Sure thing. [Sees rocket] Oh my lord.
Female fan It's big!
Woody
Nah, I've seen bigger, it's--
Dr. Evil (To Mini-Me)
Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space.
Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.
Dr. Evil It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions. We've put up some air fresheners.
Great, now it smells like someone took a shit in a pine tree.
Dr. Evil Fire the laser!
The President
[shows a clip of the UFO from "Independence Day" blowing up the White House] [ducks under the desk]
Damage report! Damage report!
General
[the staff realizes everything's okay]
It's okay. Everything's okay.
Dr. Evil Actually, that was just a clip from the movie "Independence Day", but the real laser would be a lot like that. Yeah.
Number Two Why not use your knowledge of the future to play the stock market? We could make trillions.
Dr. Evil (smug laugh to himself)
Why make trillions when we could make... (zoom up, play evil sound bite, and pause) Billions? (he happily grins)
A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
Dr. Evil All right, zip it.
You- you can't even--
Dr. Evil Zip it! Zi-i-ip.
Look, all I'm-
Dr. Evil Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, ex-zip-it A.
Number Two, would you please back me-
Dr. Evil Look! I'm "Zippy" Longstocking!
Argh, I can't--
Dr. Evil (to Devo's "Whip It")
When a problem comes along, you must zip it! (imitates whip) Zip it good!
Frau, would you please-
Dr. Evil (speaks faux Japanese)
... Subtitle: "Zip it".
I'm just trying to-
Dr. Evil Zip! Would you like to have a suckle of my "zipple"?
I want--
Dr. Evil Sh!
Stop.
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
All you--
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
You--
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
You're like a child!
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
Talk--
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
If you just--
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
Just--
Dr. Evil (speaking gibberish)
One time--
Dr. Evil Zip it. Unveil the time portal.
Dr. Evil Ladies and gentlemen, I have a plan. I have developed-- (The espresso machine in the back suddenly makes a deafening noise as Dr. Evil continues to explain his plan to his cabinet though no words are heard)
Dr. Evil No? Nothing? Ladies and gentlemen, I have developed-- (The espresso machine goes off again and Dr. Evil patiently waits for it to stop)
Dr. Evil Number Two, if that happens once more, I'm gonna have your balls for breakfast. Okay? Yeah. Denny's style.
Would you happen to know a man named Mr. Evil?
I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
Really? I said Mr. Evil. ... Would you care for something to drink? Would you like a Mr. Pepper?
I would love a Dr. Pepper.
Really? I said Mr. Pepper.
You were married? I can't believe that! You were a famous swinger! What was her name?
Vanessa. She was a special woman. It really broke my heart when she turned out to be a robot.
You mean she was uptight and never expressed her feelings?
No, I mean she was constructed of plastic, wire, fore bearings, and what have you. Yeah. She had a tin clunge.
Dr. Evil As you know, Austin Powers was frozen in 1967. Therefore, I will travel to 1969, two years after he was frozen. He'll be helpless. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about to travel through time. I bid you adieu. [running up a ramp, he hits the Time Portal and rolls back down; getting to his feet] I'm okay. I'm okay. Okay. Not turned on, I suppose.
Dr. Evil The key to this project is the giant laser, which was invented by the noted Cambridge physicist, Dr. Parsons. Therefore, we shall call it: "The Alan Parsons Project".
Dr. Evil What now?
The Alan Parsons Project is a progressive rock band in 1982. Why don't you just call it Operation Wang Chung, ass?
Dr. Evil What...what should we...
Nothing! I'm sure Operation Bananarama will be huge!
Dr. Evil What're you saying?
Dr. Evil [Austin arrives at the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Dr. Evil [After Austin prevents the laser from shooting the Earth, Felicity passes out in the gas chamber and dies]
You may have won the battle, Mr. Powers, but you lost the war!
Dr. Evil [Austin races back to the helm and finds the Time Portal. He sets to 10 minutes and enters the portal. Cut to 10 minutes earlier, Austin appears from the Time Portal, just as his past self enters the helm]
Well, looks like you have a choice, Mr. Powers. Save the world, [rotates the gas chamber] or save your girlfriend.
Past Austin
[shocked]
Felicity!
[Austin races up to his past self]
Don't worry about me, Austin! You've got to save the world!
Past Austin
[Everyone is shocked]
Wait a tick. Who are you?
I'm you ten minutes from now.
Past Austin
Damn it. You are handsome, baby, yeah!
Past Austin
We are sexy!
We are sexy bitches, yes!
Dr. Evil Alright, this is re-goddamn-diculous. Kill them both!
[Back to 1969, as Dr. Evil escapes while picking up the floating Mini-Me]
Did we get Dr. Evil?
Johnson
No, sir. He got away in that rocket that looks like a huge-
Schoolteacher
[Cut to school]
Penis: the male reproductive organ. Also known as tally-whacker, schlong, or-
Father
[Cut to barbecue]
Wiener? Any of you kids want another wiener?
Son
[points at the rocket]
Dad, what's that?
Father
I don't know, son, but it's got great big-
Peanut vendor [Cut to the ball game]
Nuts! Hot salty nuts! Who wants some?! [looks up] Lord Almighty!
Woman
That looks just like my husband's-
Ringmaster
[Cut to the circus]
One-Eyed Monster! Step right up and see the One-Eyed Monster!
One-Eyed Monster
[jumps out and nearly surprises the crowd, then points to the rocket]
Hey! What's that? It looks like a big-
Female fan [Cut elsewhere]
Woody? Woody Harrelson? Can I have an autograph?
Woody Harrelson
Sure. No problem. [sees the rocket] Oh, my Lord! Look at that thing!
Female fan It's so big!
Woody Harrelson
I've seen bigger. That's-
Dr. Evil [Cut to Dr. Evil's rocket] [to Mini-Me while he gives him a flu shot]
Just a little prick. It's a flu shot. You've been in the coldness of space. I don't want you to get sick. It's one thing to attack me. It's quite another to attack my Mini-Me. [hands Mini-Me a lollipop] I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers. I'm gonna get you! [both he and Mini-Me laugh evilly]
