Shrek We are definitely not in the swamp anymore.
Voiced by Mike Myers 
Shrek 2 (2004) · 103 quotes
Shrek 2 (2004) · 103 quotes
Most-quoted character in Shrek 2 (2004): in 51 of its 103 quotes
Most scenes with: Donkey (26), Puss in Boots (9), Fiona (9)
A cute, button nose... thick wavey locks... taut, round buttocks?!
More lines from Shrek
12 quotes Shrek Shrek Y'know, I don't think I was going to get Dad's Royal Blessing, even if I wanted it!
Shrek TGIF, eh, buddy? Workin' hard or hardly workin', eh Mac?
Shrek All right, let's crash this party!
Shrek [after robbing two men of their clothes]
Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget.
Shrek No, no, no, no, no you great, stupid pastry!
Shrek For five minutes. Could you not be yourself...FOR FIVE MINUTES?! AHHHHH!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
Shrek Nice catch, Donkey. [Puss: Finally. Good use for your mouth.]
Shrek A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks?? Taut, round buttocks?! I'm-I'm... [Jill: Gorgeous.]
Shrek [Banging the window, shouting for Fiona]
Fiona! Fiona! Fiona! FIONA! [Fairy Godmother: Fiona? Fiona? Oh, shoot. I don't think they can us, pigeon.]
Shrek But I love her. [Fairy Godmother: If you really love her, you'll let her go.]
Shrek [from DVD menu, after pressing "New from DreamWorks Animation"]
All right! Well, here we go!
Scenes with Shrek
38 scenes
Don't you worry, I will always be here to make sure no one bothers you.
Shrek Donkey.
Yes, roomie?
Shrek You're bothering me.
Royal ball? Can I come?
Shrek We're not going.
Fiona and Donkey
What?
Shrek I mean, don't you think they might be a bit shocked to see you like this?
Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry. They'll love you, too.
Shrek Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
Stop it. They're not like that.
Shrek How do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Are we there yet?
Shrek No.
Not yet.
Okay. Are we there yet?
No.
Are we there yet?
Shrek No!
Are we there... yet?
Shrek Yes.
Really?
Shrek NO!
Are we there yet?!
No!
Are we there yet?!
Shrek No, we are not!
ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
Shrek and Fiona
NO!!!!!!
Shrek [talking over Donkey]
Are we there yet?
Hey, that's not funny.
Shrek Hey, that's not funny.
Oh, that's really immature!
Shrek Oh, that's really immature!
See, this is why nobody likes ogres!
Shrek See, this is why nobody likes ogres!
All right, your loss!
Shrek All right, your loss.
I'm just gonna stop talking!
Shrek Finally!
But this is takin' forever, Shrek, and ain't no in-flight movie or nothin'!
Shrek The kingdom of Far Far Away, Donkey. That's where we're going. Far... far... away.
All right, all right. I get it! I'm just so darn BORED!
Shrek Well, find a way to entertain yourself!
[Silence] [pops his lips, then again, and Shrek grows more impatient, then Donkey pops his lips a third time]
Shrek [restraining temper]
Oh! For 5 minutes... could you not be yourself? [exploding] FOR 5 MINUTES!!!
Shrek [After another silence, Donkey pops his lips one last time]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH!!! ARE WE THERE YET?!?!
Yes!
Oh, finally!
Shrek Better out than in, I always say.
Queen
Harold!
Shrek!
Shrek Fiona!
Fiona!
Mom!
Queen
Harold...
Donkey!
Shrek Good! She can help pack the bags! We're leaving.
Leaving?! When did you decide this?
Shrek Shortly after arriving!
Shrek Well, well, Donkey. I know it was kind of a tender moment back there, but the purring?
What are you talking about? I ain't purring.
Shrek Oh, sure. What's next? A hug?
[after attempting to kick Puss, who is attacking Shrek, but getting Shrek between the legs instead]
Did I miss?
Shrek Nope. You got 'em.
Shrek [has just discovered that King Harold hired Puss in Boots to kill him]
Well... so much for "Dad's Royal Blessing."
It ain't that bad, Shrek. I mean, almost everyone who meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek Thanks (!)
Shrek Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
Oh, man, where do I begin? Well, first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans, I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and he had all the guests try to pin the tail on me! Then they all got drunk, and started beating me with a stick going, "Piñata, piñata!" What is a piñata anyway?!
Shrek Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
Ah, yeah, that's more like it! Shrek and Donkey on another whirlwind adventure! [singing as he and Shrek start walking away] Ain't no stoppin' us now, whoo! / We're on the move...
Stop, ogre! I have misjudged you.
Shrek Join the club, we have jackets.
On my honor! I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life, as you have spared me mine.
Oh, I'm sorry, but the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken.
Shrek [to receptionist]
Oh, by the way, it would be really great if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Y'know what I'm sayin', bub, huh?
Huh?
Shrek Huh?
Huh? Huh? Huh?! HUH?!
Shrek Stop it.
Receptionist
Of course. Go right in.
A drop of desire... Oohoohoo, naughty! A pinch of passion... And just a hint of... Lust!
Shrek Excuse me. Sorry to barge in like this, but---
What in Grimm's name are you doing here?
Shrek It seems that Fiona isn't exactly happy.
And there's some question as to why that is? Let's explore that shall we? Princess Cinderella, lived happily ever after... Oh. No ogres.
No, no, no, no.... You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Shrek [points at her]
All right, look, lady!
Don't you point those dirty, green sausages at me!
Hey man, you wanna get your fine Corinthian footwear and your cat cheeks out of my face? Man, it stinks!
Well, you don't exactly smell like a basket of roses!
Shrek [they all look at the dozens of potions around them]
Well, one of these has got to work.
Ah yes, boss. I was concocting this very plan. Already our minds... are becoming one...
Woah woah woah, if we need an expert on licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
Just in case there is something wrong with the potion, allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honour to lay my life on the line for you.
No, no, no. If there's gonna be any animal testing, I'm gonna do it. That's the best friend's job. Now gimme that potion!
Shrek [He grabs the "Happily Ever After" potion in his mouth and chugs down some of it]
How do you feel?
... I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
You still look like an ass to me.
I'm melting! I'm melting!
Shrek It's just the rain, Donkey.
Shrek Bet my bottom?
Shrek Donkey, you're a...
A stallion baby! I can whinny! [whinnies] I can count! [taps hoof] [starts trotting] Look at me Shrek, I'm trotting!
Is he really that good looking?
Doris
Are you kiddin'? He's gorgeous! He has a face that looks like that it was carved by angels.
Mmmm, he sounds dreamy.
Shrek You know, shockingly, this isn't making me feel any better.
Anouncer
Tonight on "Knights"...
Gingerbread Man
Now here's a good show!
We got a white bronco heading east in the forest. Requesting backup.
Anouncer
It's time for the men in steel to teach these madcap mammals that their "devil may mare" attitudes ain't gonna fly.
Shrek Come on, I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
Shrek Ow! Ow!
Anouncer
Will they get away with it, or did somebody let the cat out of the bag?
You capitalist pig dogs!
[Puss attacks a knight, then he is pinned up against a wall] Knight [Sniffs a small bag] Catnip!
Um, that's not mine?
Shrek Hold on! Find Princess Fiona!
I'm a donkey!
Shrek Tell her-- Shrek! I'm her husband, Shrek! [Gets another face full of pepper] Ow! Ow!
Anouncer
That's tonight on "Knights".
LEMME OUTTA HERE! YOU CAN'T LOCK US UP LIKE THIS! LEMME GO! HEY, WHAT ABOUT MY MIRANDA RIGHTS?! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!!!
Shrek Donkey! You have the right to remain silent! What you lack is the capacity.
I must hold on before I, too, go totally mad.
Shrek? Donkey?
Shrek Gingy, do you still know the muffin man?
Well, yeah, sure, he's down on Drury Lane. Why?
Shrek Because we're gonna need flour. Lots and lots of flour.
Shrek It's so good to be home! Just you and me and...
Two can be as bad as one...
Shrek Donkey?
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek, you old love machine. And look at you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed?
Shrek Donkey, what are you doing here?
Oh, I was just taking care of your love nest for you!
Shrek Oh, you mean like sorting the mail and watering the plants?
Yeah, and feeding the fish!
Shrek I don't have any fish.
You do now. I call that one Shrek and the other Fiona. That Shrek is a rascally devil. Get your... [mumbling to the "fish"]
Shrek Oh, will you look at the time? I guess you'd better be going.
Don't you wanna tell me all about your trip? Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
Actually, Donkey, shouldn't you be getting home to Dragon?
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's been all moody and stuff lately. So I thought I'd move back in with you guys!
Well, you know, we're always happy to see you, Donkey.
Shrek But Fiona and I are married now. We need a little time, you know, to be together. Just with each other. Alone.
Say no more, say no more. You don't have to worry about a thing. I will always be here to make sure nobody bothers you.
Shrek Donkey!
Yes, roomie?
Shrek You're bothering me.
Oh, okay, all right. Cool. Me and Pinocchio were just gonna try to catch a tournament anyway, so maybe I'll see y'all on Sunday for a barbecue or something. [heads outside]
Shrek He'll be fine. Now where were we? [realizes] Oh, I think I remember. [leans in to kiss Fiona, but suddenly sees Donkey in front of him] Donkey!
I know, I know! Alone! I'm going! I'm going! Hey, what do you want me to tell those other guys?
Messenger
[swats Reggie with the scroll]
Enough, Reggie. [unfolds the scroll] "Dearest, Princess Fiona. You are hereby summoned to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away for a royal ball in celebration of your marriage, at which time the King will bestow his royal blessing upon you [looks up to see Shrek] and your... uh... Prince Charming. Love, the King and Queen of Far, Far Away. [closes the scroll] aka, Mom and Dad."
Mom and Dad?
Shrek Prince Charming?
Shrek We're not going.
Fiona and Donkey
[shocked]
What?
Shrek I mean, don't you think they might be a bit... shocked to see you like this?
Well, they might be a bit surprised. But they're my parents, Shrek. They love me. And don't worry, they're gonna love you, too.
Shrek Yeah, right. Somehow, I don't think I'll be welcome at the country club.
Will you stop it? They're not like that.
Shrek Then how do you explain Sergeant Pompous and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
Oh, come on! You could at least give them a chance!
Shrek Oh, to do what, sharpen their pitchforks?
No, they just want to give you their blessing.
Shrek Oh, great. Now I need their blessing?
Well, if you wanna be a part of this family, yes!
Shrek And who says I wanna be a part of this family?
Um, you did, when you married me!
Shrek Well, there's some fine print for you!
Shrek Trust me, it's a bad idea. We are not going, and that's final!
Shrek No, no; I was, uh...reading a scary book.
[It is an orange cat wearing black hat and cape]
Ha-ha. Fear me, if you dare. [hisses]
Shrek Oh, look, a little cat.
Shrek It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Kitty. [Puss screeches and attacks Shrek and he screams]
Shrek GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OH, GOD!
Shrek, hold still! [kicks the Shrek's bottom and moans] Did I miss?
Shrek [painfully]
No, you got him.
[after he attacks Shrek]
Now ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... [slashes "P" on the tree] Puss... in Boots!
Shrek [groans]
I'll kill that cat!
No!
Ah-ha-ha-ha! [drops the sword, then starts heaving for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey; spits out the hairball and coughs] Phew. [chuckles] Hairball.
Shrek [picks up Puss by the back of the neck]
What do you reckon we should do with him?
I say we take the sword and neuter him right here; Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
[frightened]
Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold, and I have a litter of brothers--
Shrek [covers Puss' mouth with his finger]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?
The rich king? Sí. [Shrek drops him to the ground, who screeches]
Shrek [sighs]
Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.
Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
Shrek [sits on the rock]
Gee, thanks. [looks down at the river reflection and sighs] Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
Sí, that's what the king said. [Donkey glares angrily] Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
Shrek Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. [pauses out; to Donkey] Hold the phone... [pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card] "Happiness." [flips it over] "A teardrop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
Oh, man, where do I begin? Well, first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and started beatin' me with a stick, going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
Shrek No, Donkey, I need you to cry!
Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- [Puss impatiently stomps on his hoof; in pain] OW!!! [tearfully] You little hairy litter-licking sack of... [Donkey's tears shed and Shrek lets it drop onto the card, conjuring a bubble with Fairy Godmother in it]
["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing]
What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears her throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! [the bubble pops]
Ohhh.
Shrek Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! [singing] Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move!
Stop, ogre! [bows to Shrek] I have misjudged you.
Shrek Join the club. We've got jackets.
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life, as you have spared me mine.
I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! [sees Shrek walking to Puss] Shrek? [slightly pauses; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look; Shrek smiles] Shrek!
Shrek Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him, in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!
Say what?! [Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness; groans in frustration]
Shrek Aw, listen. He's purring!
Oh, so now it's cute!
Shrek Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!
Shrek [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
Hi. I'm here to see...
Jerome
The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.
Jerome
[sighs]
Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. [to Shrek] Look, she's not seeing any clients today, okay?
Shrek That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Jerome
The union?
Shrek We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Jerome
Oh, oh, right.
Shrek Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome
Uh... [turns the gramophone intercom away from him] A little. W-We don't even have dental.
Shrek [whispers to Donkey]
They don't even have dental. [to Jerome] Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would be better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?
Hmm?
Shrek Huh?
Huh? Huh?! HUH?!?!
Shrek Stop it!
Jerome
Of course. Go right in.
Ah, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh... "Princess"! Cinderella. Here we are: "Lived happily ever after." Oh. [fake chuckles] No ogres. Let's see. Snow White. "A handsome prince." Ah, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres. Hansel and Gretel. No. Thumbelina. No! The Golden Bird, The Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman. No, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Shrek Alright, look, lady!
Don't you point those dirty green sausages at me! [pushes his finger out of her face]
Worker
Your Monte Christo and coffee. Oh! Sorry.
Shrek Ah, that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
Just... go.
Shrek Come on, guys. [leaves]
Shrek [After escaping Fairy Godmother's potion factory] [reading the potion bottle]
"Happily Ever After Potion. Maximum strength. "For you and your true love. If one of you drinks this, you both will be fine. Happiness, comfort and beauty divine."
Shrek I guess it means it'll affect Fiona too. [opens the potion bottle]
Hey, man, this don't feel right. My donkey senses are tingling all over. So why don't you just drop that jug o' voodoo, and let's get out of here.
Shrek It says, "beauty divine". How bad can it be? [sniffs the potion and sneezes]
A-ha! See, You're allergic to that stuff. You'll have a reaction. And if you think that I'll be smearing Vapor Rub all over your chest, think again!
Boss, just in case there is something wrong with the potion... allow me to take the first sip. It would be an honor to lay my life on the line for you.
Oh, no, no. I don't think so. If there'll be any animal testing, I'll do it. That’s the best friend's job. Now give me that bottle. [snatches the potion bottle from Shrek's hands with his mouth and starts drinking it, but Shrek snatches it back from Donkey]
Shrek How do you feel?
I don't feel any different. Do I look any different?
You still look like an ass to me.
Shrek Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys. Well, here's to us, Fiona.
Shrek? You drink that, there's no going back.
Shrek I know.
No more wallowing in the mud?
Shrek I know.
No more itchy butt crack?
Shrek I know!
But you love being an ogre!
Shrek I know! [sighs] But I love Fiona more. [starts chugging the potion]
Shrek, no! Wait! [Shrek swallows the potion, then feels his stomach gurglin'. Donkey and Puss hide behind the rock, then... Shrek lets out a fart] Got to be... Shrek, I think you grabbed the "Farty Ever After" potion.
Maybe it's a dud.
Shrek Or maybe Fiona and I were never meant to be.
[Dark storm clouds appear above Shrek, Donkey and Puss.]
Uh-oh. What did I tell you? I feel something coming on. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! [rain starts pouring, soaking the trio and getting them wet] Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy! I'm melting! I'M MELTING!
Shrek It's just the rain, Donkey.
[Donkey chuckles as they head to a barn for some shelter. The blue ooze from Shrek's sneeze reaction on the mushroom transforms into a rose.]
[After Shrek, Donkey, and Puss arrived at the barn for shelter for the night]
Shrek, don't worry. Things seem bad because it's dark and rainy, and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you. [Puss hisses at him] It'll be better in the morning. You'll see. [sings, then gets dizzy] The sun'll come out... Tomorrow... Bet your bottom...
Shrek Bet my bottom?
I'm comin', Elizabeth! [faints]
Shrek Donkey? A-Are you all right?
Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
Shrek [gets dizzy]
D-Donkey...? [groans and faints and land on Puss’ tail as he yowls off-screen]
Jill
[Later this morning, the Jill and maidens woke up]
Good morning, sleepyhead.
Maidans
Good morning! We lover your kitty.
Shrek Oh, my head.
Jill
Here. I fetched you a pail of water.
Shrek Thanks. [sees his human hands, picks up the wooden bucket; sees a human version of himself, drops the bucket and spills water] Oh! Ah! [checks his skin to make sure] A cute, button nose? Thick, wavy locks?? Taut, round buttocks?! I'm… I'm…
Halt!
Shrek Tell Princess Fiona her husband, Sir Shrek, is here to see you!
Shrek [A white bird flies past one of the windows of the Far, Far Away Castle and goes to Fiona's room. Fiona looks at the reflection, realizing she is human again, and screams.]
Fiona!
Shrek?
Fairy Godmother. Charming.
Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
Um, FYI, not my fault.
No, no, of course it's not, dear.
I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre?
No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming
[in unison; shocked]
What?!
I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this, and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
Umm, no.
What did you say?
Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
No.
[puts down her wand]
Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know, he's all high in the front; he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
Oh. Thank you, mother.
[from outside the window; shocked]
MOTHER?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming, and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey, and Puss outside the window, hearing everything.]
Shrek Um, Mary! A talking horse!
[enraged]
The ogre! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them; furious] STOP THEM! THIEVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!
Shrek [On K.N.I.G.H.T.S, the chase ends as two knights seize Shrek and three more point their crossbows at him.]
Alright! Alright! Let me go!
[Three knights restrain Donkey.]
Let me go! Why are you grabbing me?! OW! Police brutality! POLICE BRUTALITY!
Shrek [Shrek tries to explain to the knights, struggling to free himself, but his super-strength won't give in due to his human form. A knight handcuffs Shrek.]
I have to talk to Princess Fiona!
Shrek [Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona.]
Stop! [to Charming] Hey, you! Back away from my wife!
You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone!
Shrek [to the three little pigs]
NOW!
You're on fire, Donkey.
Shrek No, you're really on fire!
Come on, get real, Pinocchio.
Shrek I find his performance quite wooden, actually. [laughs] Wooden.
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