Fairy Godmother I TOLD YOU! OGRES DON'T LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Played by Jennifer Saunders 
Shrek 2 (2004) · 103 quotes
Shrek 2 (2004) · 103 quotes
5th most-quoted character in Shrek 2 (2004): in 12 of its 103 quotes
Most scenes with: Shrek (7), Prince Charming (4), Donkey (3)
Scenes with Fairy Godmother
12 scenes Fairy Godmother
King
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [yelling] After I endured blistering winds and scorching desert, climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower---
Fairy Godmother Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [yelling] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!
Fairy Godmother A drop of desire... Oohoohoo, naughty! A pinch of passion... And just a hint of... Lust!
Excuse me. Sorry to barge in like this, but---
Fairy Godmother What in Grimm's name are you doing here?
It seems that Fiona isn't exactly happy.
Fairy Godmother And there's some question as to why that is? Let's explore that shall we? Princess Cinderella, lived happily ever after... Oh. No ogres.
Fairy Godmother No, no, no, no.... You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Fairy Godmother Don't you point those dirty, green sausages at me!
Mother!
Fairy Godmother Charming, sweetheart! This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working.
Whoa, what happened here?
Fairy Godmother The ogre, that's what!
What? Where is he, Mum? [draws his sword] I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!
Fairy Godmother Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still gonna be king.
Fairy Godmother [after popping the bubble, close encountering Fiona]
My name is Fairy Godmother.
I have a fairy godmother!
So, what's new?
Fairy Godmother [to Harold]
You remember my son, Prince Charming? [shows him sitting next to her]
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back?
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [enraged] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower--
Fairy Godmother [cuts him off]
Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to Harold, using the same tone he used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess... is already married!
Fairy Godmother STOP THE CAR! [The carriage screeches to a stop] Harold... [two evil henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down] You forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
Fast-food Clerk
[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.] [cheerfully]
Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. [to the fast-food clerk] Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings...
I'll have the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother One medieval meal and, Harold. Curly fries?
Oh no. No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
No, really. I'm fine.
Fast-food Clerk
[gives Fairy Godmother their meals]
Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed toy axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother [gives the axe to Charming]
Here you are, dear. [the carriage flies away] You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
Fairy Godmother So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Fairy Godmother Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter.[She takes a bite of her wrap taco and talks with her mouth full] But for your kingdom.
[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother [tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands]
Use your imagination. [flies off]
[It is an orange cat wearing black hat and cape]
Ha-ha. Fear me, if you dare. [hisses]
Oh, look, a little cat.
It's a cat, Donkey. Come here, little kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on. Kitty. [Puss screeches and attacks Shrek and he screams]
GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! OH, GOD!
Shrek, hold still! [kicks the Shrek's bottom and moans] Did I miss?
[after he attacks Shrek]
Now ye ogre! Pray for mercy from... [slashes "P" on the tree] Puss... in Boots!
No!
Ah-ha-ha-ha! [drops the sword, then starts heaving for a second, confusing Shrek and Donkey; spits out the hairball and coughs] Phew. [chuckles] Hairball.
I say we take the sword and neuter him right here; Give him the Bob Barker treatment!
[frightened]
Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore you! It was nothing personal, Señor! I was doing it only for my family. My mother, she is sick. And my father lives off the garbage! The king offered me much in gold, and I have a litter of brothers--
[covers Puss' mouth with his finger]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father paid you to do this?
The rich king? Sí. [Shrek drops him to the ground, who screeches]
Oh, come on, Shrek, don't feel bad. Almost everybody that meets you wants to kill you.
[sits on the rock]
Gee, thanks. [looks down at the river reflection and sighs] Maybe Fiona would have been better off if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
Sí, that's what the king said. [Donkey glares angrily] Oh, uh...sorry. I thought that question was directed at me.
Well, it's not like I wouldn't change if I could. I just...I just wish I could make her happy. [pauses out; to Donkey] Hold the phone... [pulls out Fairy Godmother's business card] "Happiness." [flips it over] "A teardrop away." Donkey, think of the saddest thing that's ever happened to you!
Oh, man, where do I begin? Well, first there was the time that old farmer tried to sell me for some magic beans. I ain't never got over that. Then this fool went off and had a party, and he had the guests trying to pin the tail on me. Then they got all drunk and started beatin' me with a stick, going, "Piñata! Piñata!" What is a piñata, anyway?!
No, Donkey, I need you to cry!
Yeah, well don't go projecting on me! I know you're feelin' bad, but you gotta let your own- [Puss impatiently stomps on his hoof; in pain] OW!!! [tearfully] You little hairy litter-licking sack of... [Donkey's tears shed and Shrek lets it drop onto the card, conjuring a bubble with Fairy Godmother in it]
Fairy Godmother ["Voice Message" Bubble forms after landing]
What? Is it on? Is it on? [clears her throat] This is Fairy Godmother. I'm either away from my desk or with a client, but if you come by the office, we'll be glad to give you a personal appointment. Have a Happy Ever After! [the bubble pops]
Ohhh.
Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey, on another whirlwind adventure! [singing] Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo! We're on the move!
Stop, ogre! [bows to Shrek] I have misjudged you.
Join the club. We've got jackets.
On my honor, I am obliged to accompany you until I have saved your life, as you have spared me mine.
I'm sorry, the position of annoying talking animal has already been taken. Let's go, Shrek! [sees Shrek walking to Puss] Shrek? [slightly pauses; Shrek looks down at Puss, who gives him a cute, helpless look; Shrek smiles] Shrek!
Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him, in his wee little boots. You know, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly. Aw, let's keep him!
Say what?! [Puss purrs and Shrek marvels at his cuteness; groans in frustration]
Aw, listen. He's purring!
Oh, so now it's cute!
Aw, come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
Lighten up?! Oh, I should lighten up?! Look who's telling who to lighten up!
[Shrek, Donkey, and Puss arrive at the Fairy Godmother's potion factory]
Hi. I'm here to see...
Jerome
The Fairy Godmother. I'm sorry, she is not in.
Fairy Godmother [from the gramophone intercom]
Jerome! Coffee and a Monte Cristo, now.
Jerome
[sighs]
Yes, Fairy Godmother. Right away. [to Shrek] Look, she's not seeing any clients today, okay?
That's okay, buddy. We're from the union.
Jerome
The union?
We represent the workers in all magical industries, both evil and benign.
Jerome
Oh, oh, right.
Are you feeling at all degraded or oppressed?
Jerome
Uh... [turns the gramophone intercom away from him] A little. W-We don't even have dental.
[whispers to Donkey]
They don't even have dental. [to Jerome] Okay, we're just gonna have a look around. Oh, by the way, I think it would be better if the Fairy Godmother didn't know we were here. Know what I'm saying? Huh?
Hmm?
Huh?
Huh? Huh?! HUH?!?!
Stop it!
Jerome
Of course. Go right in.
Fairy Godmother Ah, puh, puh, puh, puh, puh... "Princess"! Cinderella. Here we are: "Lived happily ever after." Oh. [fake chuckles] No ogres. Let's see. Snow White. "A handsome prince." Ah, no ogres. Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres. Hansel and Gretel. No. Thumbelina. No! The Golden Bird, The Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman. No, no, no, no, NO! You see, ogres don't live happily ever after.
Alright, look, lady!
Fairy Godmother Don't you point those dirty green sausages at me! [pushes his finger out of her face]
Worker
Your Monte Christo and coffee. Oh! Sorry.
Ah, that's okay. We were just leaving. Very sorry to have wasted your time, Miss Godmother.
Fairy Godmother Just... go.
Come on, guys. [leaves]
Fairy Godmother. Charming.
Fairy Godmother Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
Um, FYI, not my fault.
Fairy Godmother No, no, of course it's not, dear.
I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre?
No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming
[in unison; shocked]
What?!
I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this, and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
Umm, no.
Fairy Godmother What did you say?
Fairy Godmother Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
No.
Fairy Godmother [puts down her wand]
Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know, he's all high in the front; he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
Oh. Thank you, mother.
[from outside the window; shocked]
MOTHER?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming, and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey, and Puss outside the window, hearing everything.]
Um, Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother [enraged]
The ogre! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them; furious] STOP THEM! THIEVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!
[Shrek and Donkey barged into the ball to rescue Fiona.]
Stop! [to Charming] Hey, you! Back away from my wife!
Fairy Godmother You couldn't just go back to your swamp and leave well enough alone!
