Prince Charming
Once upon a time in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl, and throughout the land, everyone was happy... until the sun went down and they saw that their daughter was cursed with a frightful enchantment that took hold each and every night. Desperate, they sought the help of a fairy godmother who had them lock the young princess away in a tower, there to await the kiss of the handsome Prince Charming. It was he who would chance the perilous journey through blistering cold and scorching desert, traveling for many days and nights, risking life and limb to reach the dragon's keep. For he was the bravest—and most handsome—in all the land. And it was destiny that his kiss would break the dreaded curse. He alone would climb to the highest room of the tallest tower to the princess' chambers, cross the room to her sleeping silhouette, pull back the gossamer curtains to reveal her...
Prince Charming
Princess... Fiona?
Prince Charming
Oh, thank heavens.
BB Big Bad Wolf
She's on her honeymoon.
Prince Charming
... Honeymoon?! With whom?!
K King
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When did you get back?
Prince Charming
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [yelling] After I endured blistering winds and scorching desert, climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower---
Fairy Godmother
Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [yelling] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find?! Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess is already married!
Prince Charming
Mother!
Fairy Godmother
Charming, sweetheart! This isn't a good time, pumpkin. Mama's working.
Prince Charming
Whoa, what happened here?
Fairy Godmother
The ogre, that's what!
Prince Charming
What? Where is he, Mum? [draws his sword] I shall rend his head from his shoulders! I will smite him where he stands! He will rue the very day he stole my kingdom from me!
Fairy Godmother
Oh, put it away, Junior! You're still gonna be king.
Harold
So, what's new?
Fairy Godmother
[to Harold]
You remember my son, Prince Charming? [shows him sitting next to her]
Harold
Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back?
Prince Charming
Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [enraged] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower--
Fairy Godmother
[cuts him off]
Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to Harold, using the same tone he used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess... is already married!
Harold
[stammers]
I mean, it wasn't my fault; He didn't get there in time.
Fairy Godmother
STOP THE CAR! [The carriage screeches to a stop] Harold... [two evil henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down] You forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
Harold
[gasps]
Where are we?
FF Fast-food Clerk
[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.] [cheerfully]
Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother
My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. [to the fast-food clerk] Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings...
Prince Charming
I'll have the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother
One medieval meal and, Harold. Curly fries?
Harold
Oh no. No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother
Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
Harold
No, really. I'm fine.
FF Fast-food Clerk
[gives Fairy Godmother their meals]
Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed toy axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother
[gives the axe to Charming]
Here you are, dear. [the carriage flies away] You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
Harold
[sighs deeply]
Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother
So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Harold
[doubtfully]
Yes.
Fairy Godmother
Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter.[She takes a bite of her wrap taco and talks with her mouth full] But for your kingdom.
Harold
[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]
Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother
[tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands]
Use your imagination. [flies off]
Harold
Fairy Godmother. Charming.
Fairy Godmother
Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
Harold
Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
Prince Charming
Um, FYI, not my fault.
Fairy Godmother
No, no, of course it's not, dear.
Prince Charming
I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre?
Harold
No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
FG Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming
[in unison; shocked]
What?!
Harold
I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother
Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this, and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
Harold
Umm, no.
Fairy Godmother
What did you say?
Harold
[stutters]
I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it.
Fairy Godmother
Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
Harold
No.
Fairy Godmother
[puts down her wand]
Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know, he's all high in the front; he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
Prince Charming
Oh. Thank you, mother.
Donkey
[from outside the window; shocked]
MOTHER?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming, and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey, and Puss outside the window, hearing everything.]
Shrek
Um, Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother
[enraged]
The ogre! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them; furious] STOP THEM! THIEVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!
