Harold quotes from Shrek 2 (2004)

View Quote Queen: Harold!
Fiona: Shrek!
Shrek: Fiona!
Harold: Fiona!
Fiona: Mom!
Queen: Harold...
Donkey: Donkey!

View Quote Harold: So, what's new?
Fairy Godmother: [to Harold] You remember my son, Prince Charming? [shows him sitting next to her]
Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back?
Prince Charming: Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [enraged] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower--
Fairy Godmother: [cuts him off] Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to Harold, using the same tone he used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess... is already married!
Harold: [stammers] I mean, it wasn't my fault; He didn't get there in time.
Fairy Godmother: STOP THE CAR! [The carriage screeches to a stop] Harold... [two evil henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down] You forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
Harold: [gasps] Where are we?
[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.]
Fast-food Clerk: [cheerfully] Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. [to the fast-food clerk] Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings...
Prince Charming: I'll have the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother: One medieval meal and, Harold. Curly fries?
Harold: Oh no. No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
Harold: No, really. I'm fine.
Fast-food Clerk: [gives Fairy Godmother their meals] Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed toy axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother: [gives the axe to Charming] Here you are, dear. [the carriage flies away] You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
Harold: [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Harold: [doubtfully] Yes.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter.[She takes a bite of her wrap taco and talks with her mouth full] But for your kingdom.
[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]
Harold: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother: [tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands] Use your imagination. [flies off]

View Quote Harold: [to Shrek, after reading Fiona's diary] Oh, sorry; I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Shrek: No, no; I was, uh...reading a scary book.

View Quote Harold: Fairy Godmother. Charming.
Fairy Godmother: Ugh, you'd better have a good reason for dragging us down here, Harold.
Harold: Well, I'm afraid Fiona isn't really... warming up to Prince Charming.
Prince Charming: Um, FYI, not my fault.
Fairy Godmother: No, no, of course it's not, dear.
Prince Charming: I mean, how charming can I be when I have to pretend that I'm that dreadful ogre?
Harold: No, no, it's nobody's fault. Perhaps it's best if we just call the whole thing off, okay?
Fairy Godmother and Prince Charming: [in unison; shocked] What?!
Harold: I mean, you can't force someone to fall in love!
Fairy Godmother: Oh, I beg to differ. I do it all the time. [pulls out the Love Potion 9 vial and hands it to Harold, and he takes it] Have Fiona drink this, and she'll fall in love with the first man she kisses, which will be Charming.
Harold: Umm, no.
Fairy Godmother: What did you say?
Harold: [stutters] I...I...I can't. I...I won't do it.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, yes, you will. If you remember, I helped you with your happily ever after. And I can take it away just as easily. [sticks her wand in his face] Is that what you want? Is it?
Harold: No.
Fairy Godmother: [puts down her wand] Good boy. Now, we have to go. I need to do Charming's hair before the ball. He's hopeless. Y'know, he's all high in the front; he can never get to the back. You always need someone to do the back of your hair.
Prince Charming: Oh. Thank you, mother.
Donkey: [from outside the window; shocked] MOTHER?! [Fairy Godmother, Charming, and Harold turn their heads fast to see Shrek, Donkey, and Puss outside the window, hearing everything.]
Shrek: Um, Mary! A talking horse!
Fairy Godmother: [enraged] The ogre! [Shrek, Donkey, and Puss ride away from the Poison Apple; flies after them, telling the knights to get them; furious] STOP THEM! THIEVES! BANDITS! STOP THEM!

View Quote Harold: Darling? Ah, I thought I might find you here. How about a nice hot cup of tea before the ball?
Fiona: I'm not going.
Harold: But the whole kingdom's turned out to celebrate your marriage.
Fiona: There's just one problem: That’s not my husband.[sees Prince Charming] I mean, look at him!
Harold: Yes, he is a bit different, but people change for the ones they love. You’d be surprised how much I change for your mother.
Fiona: "Change"? [about Prince Charming] He's completely lost his mind.
Harold: Honey, why not come down to the ball and give him another chance? I mean, you might find you like this new Shrek.
Fiona: But it's the old one I fell in love with, dad.
Harold: Uh, honey, that’s mine. Decaf. Otherwise, I'm up all night.
Fiona: Thanks.