Archie quotes from A Fish Called Wanda (1988)

View Quote Wanda: Are you really Italian?
Otto: Absolutamente. Sì. My name is Otto. It means 'eight'.
Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a few things; Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.
Ken: Otto tried to k-k-k-kiss me.
Wanda: I thought he might.
Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Ken: Good.
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Archie: Winners?
Otto: Yeah, winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh Yes they did.
Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.
Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?
Otto: Er Yes. Yes friad so old chap sorry.
[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]
Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.
Otto: You're really sorry?
Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back?
Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Otto: OK.
Otto: You really like animals, don't you Ken? What's the attraction?
Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...
Otto: Shit on you?
Ken: Show off all the time.
Wanda: And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia...
Archie: Yes?
Wanda: He said, why did they name her after a car?
Ken: There's something f-f-funny going on.
Otto: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited.
Ken: I saw...
Otto: Ken, Ken, Ken! I didn't wanna say anything with George here, but isn't it time you faced reality? Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart. You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
Ken: Wh-what...
Otto: We could have fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
Ken: You must be j-j-j...
Otto: May I kiss you?
Ken: No, you **** can't!
Otto: Just a peck! No tongue! Ken!
Ken: No!
Otto: Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
Ken: I'm n-n-n...
Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!
Ken: You b-b-b...
Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.
Wanda: Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
Otto: [Fires his gun into the empty safe]
Wanda: What are you doing?
Otto: I'm thinking!
Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?
Archie: [Puts the gun in Otto's back and pushes him to the wall]
Otto: OK, OK, OK, OK. Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK. Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
Archie: Keep your hands up.
Otto: No!
Archie: Put 'em up!
Otto: I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
Archie: Put the other one up!
Otto: Which looks better?
Archie: I'm warning you, Otto.
Otto: What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you? Let's fight like men! Come on!
Archie:How come a girl as smart as you has a brother who's so...
Otto:Don't call me stupid.
Wendy:Goodnight Archie, GOODNIGHT ARCHIE!
Archie:Goodnight Wanda.

View Quote Archie: You make me feel free!
Wanda: Free?
Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone, 'Are you married?' and hearing, ' My wife left me this morning,' or saying, uh, ' Do you have children?' and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we're all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know; we've these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?
Wanda: [kisses him] ...Yeah.

View Quote [In court]
Archie: Ms Gershwitz, do you remember where you were on the evening of the 7th?
Wanda: Yes, I was at the apartment.
Archie: And were you alone or was someone else there?
Wanda: No someone else was there.
Archie: And who was that?
Wanda: My brother.
Archie: Your brother, good and [stumbling] your brother? Are you sure it was your brother?
Judge: Mr. Leach I'm sure Ms. Gershwitz can recognize her own brother, after all she's had a relationship with him her whole life.
Archie: Yes, sorry your honour. Well, was anybody else there with you?
Wanda: Yes George was there. [adds] But he left about five to seven.
Archie: Wanda! [remembering himself] I wonder, how could you be sure it was five to seven?
Wanda: Because I looked at the clock. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, where could George be going with that sawn off shotgun?
Archie: Darling!
Judge: Mr. Leach, "Darling"?
Archie: Yes, dear?

View Quote Wanda: Otto, what are you doing?
Archie: It's a Buddhist meditation technique. Focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before going into battle.
Wanda: What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?

View Quote Wanda: What are you thinking, Archie?
Archie: I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.
Wanda: How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?
Archie: (after a pause) That's a...
Archie/Wanda: Good reason! (laugh)