John Cleese movie quotes

View Quote I can do anything I want, Owen. I'm eccentric. Rrrow.

View Quote And, they're off!

View Quote Theoretically, you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far, Mr. Schaefer is winning, because he's nearest to the door!

View Quote Now pay attention. Cats and gentle mice, lend me your ears. It is my distinguished pleasure to invite all of you...to share our dinner--triumph! To share our triumph! Today we herald in a momentous...new feast...ival. Feastival--festival. To mark this brilliant and illustrious snack--occasion...I will, with these golden scissors, hereby cut the red...ribbon.

View Quote [repeated line] It's too tough, kid. Get out while you still can.

View Quote So, what do we have here? It appears to be a young pioneer. Now, the feline in me would like to devour this tender young morsel, but the shrewd businessman in me knows that if I do, the other mice will miss him and come looking for him. But the gourmet in me quivers at the thought of mouse tartar... but the entrepreneur prefers not to be inundated by suspicious mice that could jeopardize my plan. So, I must exercise both willpower and finesse. Scamper back to your parents, little mouse, and do be careful! It's frightfully hazardous out there! [to Chula, as Fievel leaves] Give him the "flying aah", and make it good.

View Quote Aliens are quite like us, except they have two sets of teeth, hyperdermic fingertips, and hypnotic eyes to control our brains and turn us into zombies and destroy our world.

View Quote Remember, anyone caught helping the aliens will go to jail!

View Quote [To Grawl] You clown! He's here to take over our minds, even yours.

View Quote [at George and Ursula's wedding]
Mrs. Stanhope: Arthur, I wish you could do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall.
Ape: Madam, I knew Jane Goodall, and you are no Jane Goodall.

View Quote [Max and Thor arrive at the tree house to capture Ape]
Thor: There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to (Las) Vegas?
Ape: Checkmate!
Max: The one who's playing chess!

View Quote Ape: I'm hungry.
Thor: Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...
Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?
Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
Max: Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.
Thor: That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!
[Ape snickers]
Max: The sign at the trail head said "Shortcut to Ape River". Now, why would it say "shortcut" if it wasn't a... [Realizes something] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.
Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.
Thor: Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!
Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
Thor: We're already taking twice as long!
Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?
Thor: What?
Ape: Du-u-u-uh!
Max: Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.

View Quote I don't cry, I'm British! Thanks, matey.

View Quote Good show, Dusty!

View Quote Well, let me tell you! In fact, why don't I tell you about all my racing secrets!

View Quote Wanda: Otto, what are you doing?
Archie: It's a Buddhist meditation technique. Focuses your aggression. The monks used to do it before going into battle.
Wanda: What kind of Buddhism is this, Otto?

View Quote Wanda: What are you thinking, Archie?
Archie: I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.
Wanda: How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?
Archie: (after a pause) That's a...
Archie/Wanda: Good reason! (laugh)

View Quote Wanda: Are you really Italian?
Otto: Absolutamente. Sì. My name is Otto. It means 'eight'.
Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a few things; Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.
Ken: Otto tried to k-k-k-kiss me.
Wanda: I thought he might.
Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Ken: Good.
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Archie: Winners?
Otto: Yeah, winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh Yes they did.
Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.
Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?
Otto: Er Yes. Yes friad so old chap sorry.
[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]
Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.
Otto: You're really sorry?
Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back?
Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Otto: OK.
Otto: You really like animals, don't you Ken? What's the attraction?
Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...
Otto: Shit on you?
Ken: Show off all the time.
Wanda: And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia...
Archie: Yes?
Wanda: He said, why did they name her after a car?
Ken: There's something f-f-funny going on.
Otto: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited.
Ken: I saw...
Otto: Ken, Ken, Ken! I didn't wanna say anything with George here, but isn't it time you faced reality? Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart. You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
Ken: Wh-what...
Otto: We could have fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
Ken: You must be j-j-j...
Otto: May I kiss you?
Ken: No, you **** can't!
Otto: Just a peck! No tongue! Ken!
Ken: No!
Otto: Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
Ken: I'm n-n-n...
Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!
Ken: You b-b-b...
Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.
Wanda: Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
Otto: [Fires his gun into the empty safe]
Wanda: What are you doing?
Otto: I'm thinking!
Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?
Archie: [Puts the gun in Otto's back and pushes him to the wall]
Otto: OK, OK, OK, OK. Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK. Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
Archie: Keep your hands up.
Otto: No!
Archie: Put 'em up!
Otto: I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
Archie: Put the other one up!
Otto: Which looks better?
Archie: I'm warning you, Otto.
Otto: What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you? Let's fight like men! Come on!
Archie:How come a girl as smart as you has a brother who's so...
Otto:Don't call me stupid.
Wendy:Goodnight Archie, GOODNIGHT ARCHIE!
Archie:Goodnight Wanda.

View Quote Professor Waldman: And that is why the central nervous system and it's crowning achievement the brain, are as complicated and mysterious a set of organs as you are ever likely to encounter. Handing a scalpel to Frankenstein Professor Waldman: Mr. Frankenstein the incision is yours. Excellent. Mr. Clerval you may remove the cranial lid.
Henry faints

View Quote Professor Waldman: You! Explain yourself!
Victor Frankenstein: Professor I'm sorry. Listen I came here to learn all about the new science. I'm Galvanism, Franklin's experiments. The combination of modern disciplines with ancient knowledge in an attempt to protect and create...
Professor Waldman: To create what?
Victor Frankenstein: So we can change things. We can make things better. Now you know that. We're on the verge of undreamt of discoveries, if we only have the courage to ask the right questions. Now you must help me. Please.
Professor Waldman: Come on.

View Quote Professor Waldman: Now for thousands of years, the Chinese have based their medical science on the belief that the human body is a chemical engine run by energy streams.
Victor Frankenstein: That's fascinating, then how do they explain... .
Professor Waldman: Henry is looking through his journals Don't touch that! Their doctors treat patients by inserting needles like these into the flesh at various key points to manipulate these electric streams
Victor Frankenstein: I see! So electricity is the key.

View Quote Queen: Harold!
Fiona: Shrek!
Shrek: Fiona!
Harold: Fiona!
Fiona: Mom!
Queen: Harold...
Donkey: Donkey!

View Quote Harold: [to Shrek, after reading Fiona's diary] Oh, sorry; I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Shrek: No, no; I was, uh...reading a scary book.

View Quote Harold: So, what's new?
Fairy Godmother: [to Harold] You remember my son, Prince Charming? [shows him sitting next to her]
Harold: Charming! Is that you? My gosh, it's been years! When, uh... When did you get back?
Prince Charming: Oh, about five minutes ago, actually. [enraged] After I endured blistering winds, scorching desert, I climbed to the highest room of the tallest tower--
Fairy Godmother: [cuts him off] Tut, tut, tut. Mummy can handle this. [to Harold, using the same tone he used earlier] He endures blistering winds and scorching desert! He climbs to the highest bloody room of the tallest bloody tower, and what does he find? Some gender-confused wolf telling him that his princess... is already married!
Harold: [stammers] I mean, it wasn't my fault; He didn't get there in time.
Fairy Godmother: STOP THE CAR! [The carriage screeches to a stop] Harold... [two evil henchmen crack their knuckles as the window rolls down] You forced me to do something I really don't want to do.
Harold: [gasps] Where are we?
[It is revealed that the carriage has pulled up at a fast-food restaurant drive-thru.]
Fast-food Clerk: [cheerfully] Well, hi there! Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy. May I take your order?
Fairy Godmother: My diet is ruined! I hope you're happy. [to the fast-food clerk] Uh, okay. Two renaissance wraps, no mayo... chili rings...
Prince Charming: I'll have the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother: One medieval meal and, Harold. Curly fries?
Harold: Oh no. No, thank you.
Fairy Godmother: Sourdough soft taco, then? What do you want?
Harold: No, really. I'm fine.
Fast-food Clerk: [gives Fairy Godmother their meals] Your order, Fairy Godmother. [also gives her a free double-headed toy axe] And this comes with the medieval meal.
Fairy Godmother: [gives the axe to Charming] Here you are, dear. [the carriage flies away] You see, we made a deal, Harold, and I assume you don't want me to go back on my part.
Harold: [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
Fairy Godmother: So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
Harold: [doubtfully] Yes.
Fairy Godmother: Oh, believe me, Harold. It's what's best, not only for your daughter.[She takes a bite of her wrap taco and talks with her mouth full] But for your kingdom.
[The carriage pulls up back at the castle and one of her henchmen shoves Harold out]
Harold: Well, what am I supposed to do about it?
Fairy Godmother: [tosses the double-headed toy axe into his hands] Use your imagination. [flies off]

View Quote What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.

View Quote Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
PFJ Member: Brought peace?
Reg: Oh, peace? SHUT UP!

View Quote [the members of "The People's Front of Judea" are sitting in the amphitheatre; Stan has just announced that he wants to be a woman and wants to be called "Loretta," and is explaining why]
Stan: I want to have babies.
Reg: You want to have babies?!?!
Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg: But ... you can't HAVE babies!
Stan: Don't you oppress me!
Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?

View Quote Jean-Bob: Whenever I have to do something in a hurry, I'll always bring a turtle.

View Quote Speed: I think I pulled a muscle.
Jean-Bob: I'm gonna die! I know it! I'm on a mission with a lame turtle!

View Quote Puffin: Me name is Puffin. Lt. Puffin.
Odette: It's a pleasure, Lt. Puffin. I'm Odette. Princess Odette. [Puffin kisses her hand] And these are my best friends in the whole world: Mr. Lorenzo Trudgealong...
Speed: Friends call me Speed.
Odette: ...and Jean-Bob.
Jean-Bob: I have no friends. Only servants. And they call me "your highness".
Speed: [whispers to Puffin] Thinks he's a prince.

View Quote Mr. Bridwell: [to Emily] Isn't technology amazing? People say it's quite like magic. So if you'll excuse me, I have some other people I need to help. After all, your not the only person in the world who "isn't" looking for a pet

View Quote Emily Elizabeth: How big is he going to get?
Mr. Bridwell: That depends, doesn't it?
Emily Elizabeth: On what?
Mr. Bridwell: On how much you love him.

View Quote Mr. Bridwell: [meets puppy Clifford for the first time at the park] There you are. Come on. Now, just cause you're lost, it doesn't mean you're any less of a treasure, you understand? [Clifford barks at him] Oh, standing up for yourself, are you? Yes, yes, I know. You're a dog. [he picks him up and kisses him] Hello. Now, let's introduce you to all the others, shall we? Hope they don't mistake you for a lobster.

View Quote [Bond has just shot M in the shoulder during a training exercise]
Q: Forgive my mentioning it, 007, but a perfect marksman isn't really supposed to shoot his own boss.
James Bond: Check the replay. You'll find he's dead and she's only got a flesh wound.
Q: There's always an excuse, isn't there, 00-Zero?
Bond: Give me the old firing range any day, quartermaster.
Q: Yes, well it's called the future, so get used to it.

View Quote James Bond: [Looking in Q's lab] So, this is where they keep the old relics, eh?
Q: I'll have you know, this is where our most cutting-edge technology is developed.
Bond: [Activates the knife in the briefcase used in From Russia With Love] Hmm, point taken.
Q: Must you touch everything?
Bond: [Notices the jet-pack from Thunderball] Does this still work?
[Bond turns on the jet-pack, which starts to take off. Q quickly grabs it and shuts it down]
Q: Now, look–
Bond: So, where is this "cutting-edge" stuff?
Q: I'm trying to get to it!

View Quote Q: [hands Bond a watch] A new watch, this is your 20th, I believe.
James Bond: How time flies.
Q: Yes, well, 007, why don't you establish a record by actually returning this one...[Presses a button on his remote] Your new transportation.
[A bare transport platform glides into the station]
Bond: ... Maybe you've been down here too long.
Q: The ultimate in British engineering. [Walks onto the platform. His image distorts around whatever is on the platform]
Bond: You must be joking!
Q: As I learned from my predecessor, Bond, I never joke about my work. Aston Martin calls it the Vanquish, we call it "The Vanish." [Presses a button on his remote, exposing a new sportscar]
Bond: Oh, very good.
Q: Adaptive camouflage. Tiny cameras on all sides project the image they see onto a light-emitting polymer skin on the opposite side. See, to the casual eye, it's as good as invisible. Plus, all the usual refinements: ejector seat, torpedoes, target-seeking shotguns to shoot down mobile objects. [Reaches into the car, pulls out a big manual, handing it to Bond] Why don't you acquaint yourself with the manual? You should be able to shoot through that in a couple of hours. [Bond tosses the manual in the air. The activated target-seeking shotguns promptly blast it to pieces]
Bond: Just took a few seconds, Q.
Q: Wish I could make you vanish.

View Quote Arthur: What manner of man are you, that can summon fire without flint or tinder?
Tim: I... am an Enchanter.
Arthur: By what name are you known?
Tim: There are some who call me... Tim?

View Quote Tim: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Robin: You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!
Tim: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad: Get stuffed!
Tim: He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad: Oh, yeah?
Robin: Mangy Scots git!
Tim: I'm warning you!

View Quote Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: None shall pass.
King Arthur: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight: Then you shall die.
King Arthur: I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight: I move for no man.
King Arthur: So be it!
[rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight.]
King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight: Tis but a scratch.
King Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No it isn't.
King Arthur: Well what's that then? [Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground.]
Black Knight: I've had worse.
King Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on then, you pansy! [Charges Arthur, who chops the knight's remaining arm off.]
King Arthur: Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray] We thank thee Lord, that in thy-- [is kicked in the head by the armless knight.]
Black Knight: Come on then!
King Arthur: What?
Black Knight: Have at you! [Kicks Arthur]
King Arthur: You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight: Oohh, had enough, eh?
King Arthur: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
Black Knight: Yes I have.
King Arthur: Look!
Black Knight: Just a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Arthur]
King Arthur: Stop that!
Black Knight: Chicken! Chicken!
King Arthur: Look, I'll have your leg. [Recieves a very sharp kick] Right! [Chops off one of the black knight's legs]
Black Knight: Right! I'll do you for that!
King Arthur: You'll what?
Black Knight: Come here!
King Arthur: What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
Black Knight: I'm invincible!
King Arthur: You're a looney.
Black Knight: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards King Arthur]
[King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground.]
Black Knight: Alright, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur: Come, Patsy!
Black Knight: Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!
[Fade to black.]

View Quote James Bond: [after Q introduces Bond to his successor] If you're Q, does that make him R?
R: Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.

View Quote R: Now, I daresay, 007, that you've met your match with this machine.
James Bond: [Putting on some nearby shades, that are really x-ray glasses] Yeah? New model, improved specs?
R: I thought you were on the Inactive roster; some kind of injury?
James Bond: Yes, well, we'll see about that. So...
R: As I was saying, the very latest in interception countermeasures. Titanium armor, a multi-tasking heads-up display, and six beverage cup holders. All in all, rather stocked.
Q: "Fully loaded," I think is the term.
R: I think–
Q: You're not here to think, you're here to do what I tell you. Now, go put on the coat and demonstrate it for 007.
R: But of course. Now, watch closely, please, 007. [Puts on the snow jacket] The right arm goes in the right sleeve, thus, and the left arm in the left sleeve, thus. Now, note closely, please: pockets, poppers, and zipper. Take the lower part of the zipper, and insert it into the–
Q: [Q and Bond give a look to each other] Oh, pull the tag! [Pulls a tag on the front of the jacket]
R: Oh! But you said–! [An inflatable self-closing ball inflates out of the back of the jacket, then wraps around R. He falls and rolls around blindly, stuck in the ball] Oooh! Q! Ooof!
James Bond: He seems well-suited for the job. [Q chuckles and goes to a nearby platform] Now, you're not retiring anytime soon...are you?
Q: Now, pay attention 007. I've always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed.
Bond: And the second?
Q: Always have an escape plan. [presses button and the platform lowers itself, and Q, into the floor]

View Quote [at Q's lab, Bond notices a bagpiper playing, who then turns to a ballistics dummy, aiming his bagpipes at the dummy. One of the pipes fires machine gun bullets, another is a flamethrower]
Bond: I suppose we all have to pay the piper sometime, right, Q?
Q: Oh, pipe down, 007.
Bond: Was it something I said?
Q: No. Something you destroyed: My fishing boat [points to advanced (and heavily damaged) skiff Bond earlier used] for my retirement, away from you. [opens pool table. A platform arises, showing a man working on a BMW coupe. Bond and Q walk toward it] Now, I want to introduce you to the young fellow I'm grooming to follow me.
Man: [looks at Q and Bond] Oh... [man has lab gown stuck on the car door; he looks around in confusion. Bond opens it, freeing the lab coat]
Bond: Helps if you open the door.
Man: Hmm. And you might be?
Q: This is 007!
Bond: If you're Q, does that make him R?
R: Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it.

View Quote Robin Hood: The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
Randall: Who?
Robin Hood: The poor.
Randall: The poor?
Robin Hood: Oh, you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor!

View Quote Robin Hood: Oh yes, and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor. Aren't they Redgrave?
Redgrave: [Gibberish]
Robin Hood: You see- what did he say?
Marion: He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.

View Quote Robin Hood: And how long have you been a robber?
Strutter: Four foot one.
Robin Hood: Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?

View Quote [After Clouseau gets shot in the chest by Sonia] I wish I'd shot him.

View Quote [to his comrades] Steady lads! Were almost home. Just a few flaps more, we be over the White Cliffs of Dover!