Look, my liege!
King Arthur
Camelot.
Sir Galahad
Camelot!
Camelot.
It's only a model.
You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! [makes taunting gestures at them]
Sir Galahad
What a strange person.
King Arthur
Now, look here, my good man--
I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad
The Castle Anthrax?
Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
And me. And me too. And me.
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad
Well, I could stay a bit longer.
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad
I don't think I was.
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
No, it's far too perilous.
Galahad
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Galahad
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad
I bet you're gay.
No, I'm not.
Tim
Well, that's no ordinary rabbit! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared!
Tim
Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer!
Galahad
Get stuffed!
Tim
He'll do you up a treat, mate.
Galahad
Oh, yeah?
Mangy Scots git!
Tim
I'm warning you!
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Arthur
How does it, um — how does it work?
I know not, my liege.
Arthur
Consult the Book of Armaments!
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
Skip a bit, Brother.
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Amen.
Amen.
Arthur
Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
Galahad
Three, sir.
Arthur
THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]
Arthur
There! Look!
What does it say?
Galahad
What language is that?
Arthur
Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
It's Aramaic.
Arthur
What does it say?
It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
Arthur
What?
'"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
Where is that?
He must have died while carving it.
Oh, come on!
Well that's what it says.
Arthur
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Galahad
Perhaps he was dictating.
STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
What... is your name?
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
What... is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.
What... is your favourite colour?
Blue.
Right. Off you go.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
What... is your name?
Sir Robin of Camelot.
What... is your quest?
To seek the Holy Grail.
What... is the capital of Assyria?
I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
STOP! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad
Sir Galahad of Camelot.
What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad
I seek the Grail.
What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Galahad
Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
King Arthur
It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
What... is your quest?
King Arthur
To seek the Holy Grail.
What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur
Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
King Arthur
Graham Chapman
Dennis The Constitutional Peasant
Lancelot
The Tale of Sir Robin
Tim the Enchanter
John Cleese
A Blessing from the Lord
Camelot
English Castle
Frank the Historian
John Young
Inside the Cave
Roger the Shrubber
Eric Idle
Swamp Castle
The Witch
The Black Knight
John Cleese
The Bridge of Death
The Castle Anthrax
The Castle Aaaaarrrgh
The Cave of Caerbannog
The Dead Collector
Eric Idle
The French Castle
The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
The Knights Who 'Til Recently Said Ni
The Knights Who Say Ni!
Michael Palin
