Michael Palin movie quotes

View Quote Jack Lint: It's not my fault that Buttle's heart condition didn't appear on Tuttle's file!

View Quote Jack Lint: We've always been close Havn't we? Well, until this whole thing blows over, just stay away from me.

View Quote Jack Lint: This is information retrieval not information dispersal.

View Quote Sir Lancelot: Look, my liege!
[A magnificent castle stands before them.]
King Arthur: Camelot.
Sir Galahad: Camelot!
Sir Lancelot: Camelot.
Patsy: It's only a model.

View Quote Zoot: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Sir Galahad: The Castle Anthrax?
Zoot: Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Zoot: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
Dingo: You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
Nuns: And me. And me too. And me.
Dingo: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Galahad: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
[Sir Lancelot crashes in, grabs Galahad and rushes out of the castle]
Lancelot: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Galahad: I don't think I was.
Lancelot: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Galahad: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Lancelot: No, it's far too perilous.
Galahad: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
Lancelot: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Galahad: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Lancelot: No. It's unhealthy.
Galahad: I bet you're gay.
Lancelot: No, I'm not.

View Quote Bridgekeeper: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Lancelot: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Lancelot: My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Lancelot: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Lancelot: Blue.
Bridgekeeper: [Suddenly friendly] Right. Off you go.
Sir Lancelot: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
Sir Robin: That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Sir Robin: Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Sir Robin: Sir Robin of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Robin: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the capital of Assyria?
Sir Robin: I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]
Bridgekeeper: STOP! What... is your name?
Sir Galahad: Sir Galahad of Camelot.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Sir Galahad: I seek the Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your favourite colour?
Sir Galahad: Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Bridgekeeper: Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
King Arthur: It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
King Arthur: To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur: What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper: Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
Sir Bedevere: [to Arthur] How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.

View Quote Head Knight: The Knights Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice!
King Arthur: Knights of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
Knights of Ni: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur: Oh, ow!
Head Knight: We shall say "Ni" again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur: Well, what do you want?
Head Knight: We want a shrubbery!! [jarring chord]

View Quote [to his dog] Uncle Nicky's going to be dead if he doesn't get a move on, isn't he? Yes, he is!

View Quote I've always been loyal to Stalin, always. These arrests were authorized by Stalin...but Stalin was also loyal to the collective leadership, and that is true loyalty...however, he also had an iron will, undeviating, strong. Could we not do the same, and stick to what we believed in?...No. It is stronger still to forge our own beliefs within the beliefs of the collective leadership...which I have now...done.

View Quote Georgy Zhukov: Want a job done properly, you call the Army. Take his belt off. It's hard to run away with your pants falling down.
Nikita Khrushchev: [to Malenkov] If you want to talk to General Zhukov, now's your opportunity.
Georgy Zhukov: Spit it out, Georgy. Staging a coup here.
Georgy Malenkov: ...He's got a knife by his ankle.
Lavrentiy Beria: You're a disgrace!
Lazar Kaganovich: Give his head a good kicking. Make you feel better.
Vyacheslav Molotov: All in good time.
Lavrentiy Beria: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face.
Georgy Zhukov: [holds up the little knife] Not with that, you won't. Come on, then.
[Aslanov and three other NKVD officers walk in, clueless that a coup is being staged]
NKVD Officer Aslanov: S-sorry, comrades.
NKVD Officer Kobulov: Wrong room.
Lavrentiy Beria: Aslanov!
[The NKVD men hurriedly back out; Zhukov looks at a Red Army soldier holding an AK-47]
Georgy Zhukov: Go and kill them, will you?
Lavrentiy Beria: Kobulov!

View Quote Ken: Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood!
Wendy: Your father has gone completely mental.
Wendy: You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.
George: Unbe-****-lievable!

View Quote Wanda: Are you really Italian?
Otto: Absolutamente. Sì. My name is Otto. It means 'eight'.
Wanda: But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?
Otto: Apes don't read philosophy.
Wanda: Yes they do, Otto, they just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a few things; Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself!" And the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes. I looked them up.
Ken: Otto tried to k-k-k-kiss me.
Wanda: I thought he might.
Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.
Ken: Good.
Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.
Archie: Winners?
Otto: Yeah, winners.
Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?
Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie: [Cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' you, baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide real good!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh Yes they did.
Otto: Oh no they... SHUT UP! Goodbye Archie.
Archie: Gonna shoot me Otto?
Otto: Er Yes. Yes friad so old chap sorry.
[Otto dangling Archie out of a window]
Archie: All right, all right, I apologize.
Otto: You're really sorry?
Archie: I'm really really sorry. I apologize unreservedly.
Otto: You take it back?
Archie: I do. I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.
Otto: OK.
Otto: You really like animals, don't you Ken? What's the attraction?
Ken: Because you can t-t-trust them, and they don't sh-sh-sh...
Otto: Shit on you?
Ken: Show off all the time.
Wanda: And when he heard your daughter's name was Portia...
Archie: Yes?
Wanda: He said, why did they name her after a car?
Ken: There's something f-f-funny going on.
Otto: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. You don't even know why you're excited.
Ken: I saw...
Otto: Ken, Ken, Ken! I didn't wanna say anything with George here, but isn't it time you faced reality? Come on! You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're smart. You've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.
Ken: Wh-what...
Otto: We could have fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?
Ken: You must be j-j-j...
Otto: May I kiss you?
Ken: No, you **** can't!
Otto: Just a peck! No tongue! Ken!
Ken: No!
Otto: Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
Ken: I'm n-n-n...
Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!
Ken: You b-b-b...
Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.
Wanda: Shut up and think. Where's he moved it?
Otto: [Fires his gun into the empty safe]
Wanda: What are you doing?
Otto: I'm thinking!
Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?
Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.
Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual, uh, what? Penetration?
Archie: [Puts the gun in Otto's back and pushes him to the wall]
Otto: OK, OK, OK, OK. Don't get excited. OK, OK, OK. Oh, it's you! I was actually worried there.
Archie: Keep your hands up.
Otto: No!
Archie: Put 'em up!
Otto: I'll make a deal with you. I'll put one up.
Archie: Put the other one up!
Otto: Which looks better?
Archie: I'm warning you, Otto.
Otto: What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Gun me down in cold blood like a dog? Hey! If you wanna settle something with me, why don't you fight me? You're a man, aren't you? Let's fight like men! Come on!
Archie:How come a girl as smart as you has a brother who's so...
Otto:Don't call me stupid.
Wendy:Goodnight Archie, GOODNIGHT ARCHIE!
Archie:Goodnight Wanda.

View Quote Ken: What's h-happening?
Otto: Well, Ken. I'm going to ask you a series of questions while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the Superman in Thus Spake Zarathustra?
Ken: (dumbstruck)
Otto: No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid. (sticks his chips up Ken's right nostril) Friedrich Nietzsche! Next. In which book did Nietzsche claim that all almost all higher culture is based on cruelty?
Ken: (opens mouth)
Otto: Are you thinking or in mid-stutter?
Ken: You're m-m-mad.
Otto: (sticks a chip up Ken's other nostril) Beyond Good and Evil! Guess I'll have to ask you an easy one, eh, Ken? OK. Um... Let me think, let me think. Um... Where are the diamonds? I'll give you a clue. Somewhere around the airport.
Ken: I'm n-n-n...
Otto: No hassle. There's plenty of time. I'll just sit here and eat my chips till you tell me. The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip. What do the English usually eat with chips to make them more interesting? Wait a moment! It's fish. Isn't it? [Dipping into the fish tank with a net] Oh! Here, boy. Down the hatch. [Eats the fish] Delicious!
Ken: You b-b-b...
Otto: Better eat the green one? OK. What's this one's name? Well, not Wanda, anyway. I'm going to call her Lunch. Hello, Lunch. Hello! [Eats the fish] Ew! Avoid the green ones - not ripe yet.

View Quote A man shall strike his donkey.

View Quote And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachment…at this time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight o’clock...