Z Zoot
Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
Z Zoot
Yes, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice, and we will attend to your every, every need.
Z Zoot
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight-score young blonds and brunettes, all between 16 and 19 1/2, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh, it is a lonely life: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights.
D Dingo
You must spank her well, and after you are done with her, you may deal with her as you like, and then spank me.
N Nuns
And me. And me too. And me.
D Dingo
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking. And after the spanking, the oral sex.
Well, I could stay a bit longer.
L Lancelot
[Sir Lancelot crashes in, grabs Galahad and rushes out of the castle]
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
L Lancelot
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
L Lancelot
No, it's far too perilous.
Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.
L Lancelot
No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on.
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
L Lancelot
No. It's unhealthy.
L Lancelot
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
M Monks
[chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[holding the Holy Hand Grenade]
How does it, um — how does it work?
L Lancelot
I know not, my liege.
Consult the Book of Armaments!
BM Brother Maynard
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
C Cleric
And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
BM Brother Maynard
Skip a bit, Brother.
C Cleric
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]
[The Knights, along with Brother Maynard, venture into the cave and find the runes.]
There! Look!
L Lancelot
What does it say?
Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
BM Brother Maynard
[studies the runes]
It's Aramaic.
M Maynard
It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
M Maynard
'"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
B Bedevere
[pause]
Where is that?
M Maynard
He must have died while carving it.
L Lancelot
[incredulous]
Oh, come on!
M Maynard
Well that's what it says.
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Perhaps he was dictating.
