Arthur We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
G Guard
What, ridden on a horse?
Arthur Yes.
G Guard
You're using coconuts!
Arthur What?
G Guard
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging 'em together.
Arthur So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through —
G Guard
Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur We found them.
G Guard
Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur What do you mean?
G Guard
Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
G Guard
... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Arthur Not at all. They could be carried.
What I object to is you automatically treatin' me like an inferior.
Arthur Well, I am king.
Oh, king, eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, then? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress--
We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort-of-executive officer for the week--
Arthur Yes.
But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting--
Arthur Yes, I see.
By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs--
Arthur [getting bored]
Be quiet.
But by a two thirds majority, in the case of more major--
Arthur Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Order, eh? Who does he think he is?
Arthur I am your king!
Well I didn't vote for you.
Arthur You don't vote for kings!
How'd you become king, then?
Arthur The Lady of the Lake, [Angel chorus begins singing in background] her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [Angel chorus ends] That is why I am your king!
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur Be quiet!
You can't expect to wield supreme power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur Shut up!
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur Shut up! Will you shut up?! [Grabs Dennis and shakes him]
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur Shut up!
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
King Arthur What?
King Arthur I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
King Arthur I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
King Arthur So be it!
King Arthur [rounds of melee, with Arthur cutting off the left arm of the black knight.]
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
King Arthur A scratch?! Your arm's off!
King Arthur Well what's that then? [Pointing to the knight's arm lying on the ground.]
King Arthur You liar!
Come on then, you pansy! [Charges Arthur, who chops the knight's remaining arm off.]
King Arthur Victory is mine! [kneels and starts to pray] We thank thee Lord, that in thy-- [is kicked in the head by the armless knight.]
King Arthur What?
Have at you! [Kicks Arthur]
King Arthur You are indeed brave, good Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
King Arthur Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!
King Arthur Look!
Just a flesh wound. [Continues to kick and taunt Arthur]
King Arthur Stop that!
King Arthur Look, I'll have your leg. [Recieves a very sharp kick] Right! [Chops off one of the black knight's legs]
Right! I'll do you for that!
King Arthur You'll what?
King Arthur What are you going to do, bleed on me?!
King Arthur You're a looney.
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. [Hopping on one leg towards King Arthur]
[King Arthur chops his other leg off, leaving his body upright on the ground.]
Alright, we'll call it a draw.
King Arthur Come, Patsy!
Oh, oh I see. Running away, eh?! You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!!
[Fade to black.]
P1 Peasant 1
A witch! We have found a witch! Can we burn her?
B Belvedere
How do you know that she is a witch?
P2 Peasant 2
Because she looks like one!
I am not a witch! I am not a witch! They dressed me up like this, and this is not my nose it is a false one!
[Belvedere pulls off the false nose and opens his helmet] Peasant 1: Well, we did do the nose, and the hat.
P2 Peasant 2
She has a wart.
B Belvedere
Why do you think that she is a witch?
P2 Peasant 2
Well, she turned me into a newt.
B Belvedere
[Belvedere gives him a disbelieving look]
A newt?
P2 Peasant 2
[Silence]
Well I got better.
P3 Peasant 3
Burn her anyway.
B Belvedere
[Yells of "Burn her!"]
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Tell me, what do you do with witches?
B Belvedere
Now, what do burn besides witches?
P3 Peasant 3
More witches! [receives a punch from Peasant 1; silence]
B Belvedere
So, why do witches burn? [more silence]
P2 Peasant 2
Because there made of wood?
B Belvedere
So, how do you tell if she is made of wood?
P3 Peasant 3
Build a bridge out of her!
B Belvedere
Ah, but cant you also build bridges out of stone?
B Belvedere
Tell me, does wood sink?
P1 Peasant 1
No, it floats.
B Belvedere
What also floats in water?
King Arthur [lots of yelling and many wrong and random answers including very small rocks]
A duck!
P2 Peasant 2
So if she weighs as much as a duck she is made of wood.
B Belvedere
And therefore?
B Belvedere
We shall use my largest scales.
[Having been revealed to weigh the same as a duck, therefore proving her a witch, the crowd goes insane]
It's a fair cop.
King Arthur Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?
OC Old Crone
[dramatic chord]
Who sent you?
Arthur The Knights Who Say Ni.
C Crone
Ah! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.
Arthur If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say--we will say--"ni".
C Crone
Ah! Do your worst!
Arthur Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, "ni"!
C Crone
No! Never! No shrubberies!
Arthur Ni!
Arthur No, no, no, no, it's not that, it's "ni".
Arthur No, no, "ni". You're not doing it properly.
Arthur That's it, that's it, you've got it.
AB Arthur, Belvedere
Ni! Ni!
Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
King Arthur Er, yes.
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say Ni at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
King Arthur Did you say shrubberies?
Yes, shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.
SB Sir Belvedere
[slight pause]
Ni!
King Arthur [stops him]
No! No, no, no! No!
King Arthur O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HK Head Knight
That is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.
King Arthur What is that?
HK Head Knight
We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni.
HK Head Knight
[to Random Knight]
Shh, shh. [to Arthur] We are now the Knights Who Say Ekke-ekke-ekke-ekke-ptang-zoo-boing. [fades into mumbling].
HK Head Knight
Therefore, we must give you a test.
King Arthur What is this test, O Knights of--Knights Who 'Till Recently Said Ni?
HK Head Knight
Firstly, you must find another shrubbery! [jarring chord]
King Arthur Not another shrubbery!
HK Head Knight
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place the new shrubbery here beside the other shrubbery, only slightly higher so we get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KO Knights of Ni
A path! A path!
HK Head Knight
Then! When you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest wi-i-i-i-ith a herring!!
[jarring chord]
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
Arthur Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him. Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
M Monks
[chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Arthur [holding the Holy Hand Grenade]
How does it, um — how does it work?
Arthur Consult the Book of Armaments!
BM Brother Maynard
Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.
C Cleric
And Saint Attila raised the Hand Grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy Hand Grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies into tiny pieces... in Thy mercy.'
And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu —
BM Brother Maynard
Skip a bit, Brother.
C Cleric
And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Arthur Right! [removes the Holy Pin] One!... Two!... FIVE!
Arthur THREE!
[Arthur throws the Hand Grenade. A chorus of angels sing before it explodes, destroying the rabbit.]
Arthur [The Knights, along with Brother Maynard, venture into the cave and find the runes.]
There! Look!
Arthur Brother Maynard! You are our scholar.
BM Brother Maynard
[studies the runes]
It's Aramaic.
Arthur What does it say?
M Maynard
It says, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimethea: "He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
Arthur [pause]
What?
M Maynard
'"...The Castle of Aaaaarrrgh"'.
B Bedevere
[pause]
Where is that?
M Maynard
He must have died while carving it.
[incredulous]
Oh, come on!
M Maynard
Well that's what it says.
Arthur Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'Aaaaarrrgh'. He'd just say it!
Perhaps he was dictating.
STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.
My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot.
What... is your favourite colour?
[Suddenly friendly]
Right. Off you go.
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [crosses the Bridge]
That's easy! [He approaches the Bridge. The others follow him.]
STOP! Whoever approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.
What... is the capital of Assyria?
I don't know that! AAAAAAAAHHH! [is cast into the gorge by an invisible force]
[Arthur and the other Knights realise that this will not be as easy as they thought. Galahad then approaches the Bridge.]
STOP! What... is your name?
What... is your favourite colour?
Blue. No, yellOOOOOOOW!! [is cast into the gorge]
Hee hee heh. STOP! What... is your name?
King Arthur It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
King Arthur To seek the Holy Grail.
What... is the average air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
Huh? I don't know that! EEEEEEAAAARRGH!!! [is cast into the gorge]
SB Sir Bedevere
[to Arthur]
How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
Arthur: Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot! Bedemir: Lancelot! Lancelot! [Meanwhile, Lancelot is being padded down by the police]
Arthur The Castle Aaaaarrrgh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! [kneels and prays] Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast bought safe to us the most Holy — [loud BOING in the background] JESUS CHRIST!
[A sheep drops upon Arthur and Bedevere. The annoying Frenchman appears.]
'Allo, little English K-niggits and Monsieur Ah-thoor Keeng who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows outwit you a second time-a!
Arthur How dare you profane this place with your presence?! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
How you English say "I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction," sons of a window-dresser! So, you zought you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees-bent-running-around-advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy load of second-hand electric donkey-bottom biters!
Arthur IN THE NAME OF THE LORD, WE DEMAND ENTRANCE TO THIS SACRED CASTLE!
No chance, English bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Arthur If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [The French chuck their waste upon Arthur and Bedevere.] In the name of God and the glory of our — [They do it a second time.] Right! That settles it! [He and Bedevere start to storm off. The French continue to jeer at them.]
Yes, depart at this time and don't be approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already!
Arthur [to Bedevere]
Walk away. Just ignore them.
Yes! Go! And remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And if you zink you got nasty taunting ZIS time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy English K-niggits! Thhhhhhppppph!
G Guard
Halt! Who goes there?
King Arthur It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
G Guard
Pull the other one!
King Arthur I am, and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
G Guard
What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur Yes!
G Guard
You're using coconuts!
King Arthur What?
G Guard
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together!
King Arthur So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through...
G Guard
Where'd you get the coconuts?
King Arthur We found them.
G Guard
Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
King Arthur What do you mean?
G Guard
Well, this is a temperate zone.
King Arthur The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
G Guard
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
King Arthur Not at all. They could be carried.
G Guard
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur It could grip it by the husk!
G Guard
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
King Arthur Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
G Guard
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
King Arthur Please!
King Arthur I'm not interested!
G2 Guard 2
[A second guard approaches the parapet]
It could be carried by an African swallow!
G1 Guard 1
Oh yeah. An African swallow, maybe—but not a European swallow, that's my point.
G2 Guard 2
Oh yeah, I agree with that.
King Arthur [exasperated]
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
G1 Guard 1
But, of course, African swallows are non-migratory.
G1 Guard 1
[Arthur begins to depart]
...So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.
King Arthur Old woman!
King Arthur Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
King Arthur What?
King Arthur Well I can't just call you "man".
Well you could say "Dennis".
King Arthur I didn't know you were called Dennis.
Well you didn't bother to find out, did you?
King Arthur I did say sorry about the "old woman", but from behind you looked...
What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior.
King Arthur Well, I am king.
Oh, king eh? Very nice. And how'd you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever gonna be any progress...
PW Peasant Woman
Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here... Oh! How do you do?
King Arthur [Dennis joins the Peasant Woman in the nearby filth patch]
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, king of the Britons. Whose castle is that?
PW Peasant Woman
King of the who?
King Arthur The Britons.
PW Peasant Woman
Who're the "Britons"?
King Arthur Well, we all are. We're all Britons, and I am your king.
PW Peasant Woman
Didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy, in which the working classes...
PW Peasant Woman
Oh, there you go, bringing class into it again.
Well, that's what it's all about! If only people would--
King Arthur Please, please, good people, I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
PW Peasant Woman
No one lives there.
King Arthur Then who is your lord?
PW Peasant Woman
We don't have a lord.
King Arthur What?
I told you, we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as sort of executive officer for the week...
King Arthur Yes...
...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
King Arthur Yes I see...
...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs...
King Arthur Be quiet!
...but by a two thirds majority in the case of more...
King Arthur Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
PW Peasant Woman
"Order", eh? Who does he think he is?
King Arthur I am your king.
PW Peasant Woman
Well, I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur You don't vote for kings.
PW Peasant Woman
Well, how'd you become king, then?
King Arthur [An angelic choir begins...]
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king.
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur Be quiet!
You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur Shut up!
I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur [grabs Dennis]
Shut up! Will you shut up?!
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
Arthur [shakes Dennis]
Shut up!
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help, help, I'm being repressed!
Arthur Bloody Peasant!
Ooh, what a giveaway! Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
G God
[King Arthur and his knights "ride" through grassy plains when suddenly Divine male on clouds speaks off-screen]
Arthur! Arthur! King of the Britons!
G God
[The knights grovel] [In an annoyed tone]
Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
King Arthur [The knights stand back up]
Sorry.
G God
And don't apologize! Every time I try to talk to somebody it's "sorry this," and, "forgive me that," and, "I'm not worthy." What are you doing now?!
King Arthur [The camera cuts to Arthur and his knights averting their gaze from God]
I'm averting my eyes, oh Lord.
G God
Well don't! It's like those miserable psalms. They're so depressing. Now knock it off!
King Arthur Yes, Lord!
