Brian quotes from Life of Brian (1979)

What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?

Brian

It... it says "Romans go home".

No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? [Brian hesitates.] Come on, come on!

Brian

"Romanus"?

Goes like...?

Brian

"Annus"?

Vocative plural of "annus" is...?

Brian

"Anni."

"Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?

Brian

"Go".

Conjugate the verb "to go".

Brian

Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.

So "eunt" is...?

Brian

Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".

But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?

Brian

Ah, imperative?

Which is…?

Brian

Uh, uhm, "i"! "I"!

How many Romans?

Brian

Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!

"Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”

Brian

Dative? [centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat] Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".

Except that "domus" takes the…?

Brian

The locative, sir?

Which is…?

Brian

"Domum"!

"Domum". [writing] "Um". Understand?

Brian

Yes, sir.

Now write it out a 'undred times.

Brian

Yes sir, thank you sir, Hail Caesar sir. [calming down]

Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

Brian

Oh thank you sir. Thank you sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir.

Brian

Finished!

Right. Now don't do it again.
[Brian climbs down the ladder, steps back and surveys his handiwork. Three Roman centurions appear, look at the wall, then turn to Brian in anger. Brian looks at them; his eyes widen in realisation as he runs away and they give chase]

Brian

People, we should be struggling together.

We are!

Brian

No, we should be rising up against the common enemy.

The Judean People's Front?!

Brian

No, no, the Romans!

Mandy

Who are all those people?

Brian

A few friends, popped by for a second.

Mandy

Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there.

Brian

I'm not the Messiah!

I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!

Hail, Messiah!

Brian

I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!

Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!

Brian

What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!

He is! He is the Messiah!

Brian

Now, **** off!

How shall we **** off, oh Lord?

Brian

Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!

Hail Caesar!

Hail.

Only one survivor, sir.

Ah. Thwow him to the floow.

What, sir?

Thwow him... to the floow.

Now... What is youw name, Jew?

Brian

Brian, sir.

Bwian, eh?

Brian

No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!

Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.

Has what, sir?

Spiwit.

Yes, he did, sir.

No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...

Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]

So... You dawe to waid us?

Brian

To what, sir?

Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!

Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?

What?

Thwow him to the floow again, sir?

Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...

Brian

I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.

A Woman?

Brian

No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]

So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?

Brian

He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.

Weally? What was his name?

Brian

Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]

Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?

Well, no sir.

Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?

Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]

...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

Well, it's a joke name, sir.

I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!

Brian

Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]

Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!

Oh, sir, he...

No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!

Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]

I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!

Brian

There's no pleasing some people.

That's just what Jesus said, sir.

Brian

Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

Yes! We're all individuals!

Brian

You're all different!

Yes, we are all different!

I'm not...

Shhh!

Reg

"We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."

Brian

What?

Reg

"Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."

Campaign for Free Galilee!

Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea (Officials).

Oh.

What's your group doing here?

We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.

So are we.

What?

That's our plan!

We were here first!

What do you mean?!

We thought of it first!

Oh, yeah?

Yes, a couple of years ago!

Ha. Heh. Ha ha.

We did!

Okay, c-co-come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?

'Course we have.

What are they?

Well, I'm not telling you.

Aghhh...

Oh, come on. Pull the other one.

Shh!

That's not the point! We thought of it before you!

Did not.

We did!

You didn't.

We bloody did!

Brian

Shhhh!

Shhhhh! Shh.

You bastards! We've been planning this for months.

Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. [Deadly Dirk pokes him on the eye, a fight breaks out]

Brian

Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together.

We are!

Brian

We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!

The Judean People's Front!

Brian

No, no, the Romans!

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. He's right

Look out!

Right! Where were we?

Uhh, you were going to punch me.
[Fights broke out again, both parties suffered casualties except Brian. Two Roman soldiers appear, watching the fight with disapproval]

LOOK! THERE HE IS! THE CHOSEN ONE HAS WOKEN!

Mandy

Brian!

Brian

Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha...

Mandy

Brian!

Brian

Hang on, mother! [to Judith, who is also naked] Shhh. [a door knocked open, Mandy enters] Hello Mother.

Mandy

Don't you 'hello mother' me! What are all those people doing out there?!

Brian

Oh. Well-Well, I, uh...

Mandy

Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!

Brian

Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.

Mandy

Popped by?! Swarmed by is more like it! There's a multitude out there!

Brian

Mm, they...they started following me yesterday.

Mandy

Well, they can stop following you right now. [opens the window to address his followers] Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

The Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah!

Mandy

The who?!

The Messiah!

Mandy

Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!

BRIAN! BRIAN!