Most scenes together: Brian & Mandy (2), Brian & PFJ Member (2)
Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!
Yes! We're all individuals!
You're all different!
Yes, we are all different!
I'm not...
Shhh!
There's no pleasing some people.
Ex-leper That's just what Jesus said, sir.
I'm not the Messiah!
Arthur I say you are, Lord, and I should know, I've followed a few!
Hail, Messiah!
I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen?! I'm not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
Woman Only the true Messiah denies his divinity!
What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me?! All right, I am the Messiah!
He is! He is the Messiah!
Now, **** off!
Arthur How shall we **** off, oh Lord?
Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
So you're astrologers, are you? Well what is he then?
Mmmm?
What star sign is he?
Well, Capricorn.
Ehh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
He is the son of God, our Messiah. King of the Jews.
And that's Capricorn, is it?
No, no, no. That's just him.
Ohh, I was going to say, 'Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.'
Who are all those people?
A few friends, popped by for a second.
Popped by? Swarmed by is more like it. There's a multitude out there.
Nisus Wettus Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky Ah, no. Freedom.
Nisus Wettus What?
Mr. Cheeky Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I can go free and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus Oh, oh that´s jolly good well. Off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky No, I'm only pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really!
Nisus Wettus Oh, I see, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky Yes I know, out the door, one cross each, line on the left.
"We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, official, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."
What?
"Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites..."
All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh-water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
Brought peace?
Oh, peace? SHUT UP!
I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturer of dairy products.
Hail Caesar!
Pontius Pilate Hail.
Only one survivor, sir.
Pontius Pilate Ah. Thwow him to the floow.
What, sir?
Pontius Pilate Thwow him... to the floow.
Pontius Pilate Now... What is youw name, Jew?
Brian, sir.
Pontius Pilate Bwian, eh?
No no, Brian. [the lead centurion slaps him] Ow!
Pontius Pilate Hoo hoo hoo hoo. The little wascal has spiwit.
Has what, sir?
Pontius Pilate Spiwit.
Yes, he did, sir.
Pontius Pilate No no, spiwit's, um... Bwavado... A touch of dawing-do...
Oh, um, about eleven, sir. [Pilate is even more confused, before turning back to Brian]
Pontius Pilate So... You dawe to waid us?
To what, sir?
Pontius Pilate Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!
Oh, and uh... Thwow him to the floow, sir?
Pontius Pilate What?
Thwow him to the floow again, sir?
Pontius Pilate Oh yes, thwow him to the floow, please. [the centurions do so] Now, Jewish wapscallion...
I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman.
Pontius Pilate A Woman?
No no, Roman. [the lead centurion slaps him one more time]
Pontius Pilate So! Youw fathew was a Woman. Who was he?
He was a centurion... In the Jerusalem garrisons.
Pontius Pilate Weally? What was his name?
Naughtius Maximus. [the lead centurion starts to laugh, but stops himself when Pilate looks at him confused]
Pontius Pilate Centuwion, do we have anyone with that name in the gawwison?
Well, no sir.
Pontius Pilate Well, you sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Well, no, sir, um... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, uh, Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus, sir. [someone snickers in the background]
Pontius Pilate ...What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?
Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus. [one of the centurions in the room starts snickering, drawing Pilate's attention to him] Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself in gladiatow school vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Can I go now, sir? [the lead centurion slaps him once more]
Pontius Pilate Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this... [the snickering centurion from before snickers louder, unable to hold his laughter in in anymore] Wight! Take him away!
Oh, sir, he...
Pontius Pilate No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within the week!
Yes, sir. Come on, you. [leads the laughing centurion out]
Pontius Pilate I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! [turns his attention to the centurions who brought Brian in] Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... [Pilate approaches very sternly, as one of the centurion is visibly straining not to laugh] Biggus... Dickus? [Pilate turns to one of the spearmen, who is similarly grimacing] What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggus... Dickus? [the centurions are barely able to hold in their snickers at this point; Pilate continues to provoke them, returning to the soldiers that brought Brian] He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? [the centurions shake their heads negatively, still straining] She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks... [the centiruions, unable to hold in anymore, start laughing out loud] Shut up! What is all this?! I've had enough of this wowdy, webel, sniggewing behaviouw! Silence! You call youwselves centuwion guawds! [notices Brian scurrying away in the confusion] Seize him! Seize him! Blow youw noses and seize him!
What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the 'ouse"?
No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? [Brian hesitates.] Come on, come on!
"Romanus"?
Goes like...?
"Annus"?
Vocative plural of "annus" is...?
"Anni."
"Romani". "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?
"Go".
Conjugate the verb "to go".
Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
So "eunt" is...?
Third person plural, present indicative. "They go".
But "Romans go home" is an order, so you must use the…?
Which is…?
Uh, uhm, "i"! "I"!
How many Romans?
Aah! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!
"Ite". "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?”
Dative? [centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's throat] Ah! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Ah! Ah! Oh! Accusative, accusative! "Domum", sir, "ad domum".
Except that "domus" takes the…?
The locative, sir?
Which is…?
"Domum"!
"Domum". [writing] "Um". Understand?
Yes, sir.
Now write it out a 'undred times.
Yes sir, thank you sir, Hail Caesar sir. [calming down]
Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Oh thank you sir. Thank you sir. Hail Caesar and everything sir.
Right. Now don't do it again.
[Brian climbs down the ladder, steps back and surveys his handiwork. Three Roman centurions appear, look at the wall, then turn to Brian in anger. Brian looks at them; his eyes widen in realisation as he runs away and they give chase]
Stan I want to have babies.
You want to have babies?!?!
Stan It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
But ... you can't HAVE babies!
Stan Don't you oppress me!
I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus gonna gestate? You gonna keep it in a box?
People, we should be struggling together.
No, we should be rising up against the common enemy.
The Judean People's Front?!
No, no, the Romans!
... And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath...
Matthias Do I say "yes"?
Yes.
Matthias Yes.
You have been found guilty by the elders of the town, of uttering the name of our Lord and so, as a blasphemer, [the crowd reacts approvingly] you are to be stoned to death.
Matthias Look. I-I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah."
Blasphemy! He's said it again!
Yes! Yes, he did! He did!
Did you hear him?
Yes! Yes, we did! We did!
Really!
Are there any women here today?
No. No. No. No...
Very well. By virtue of the authority vested in me— [a woman throws a stone]
Matthias Ow! Lay off! We haven't started yet!
Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.
She did! She did! [in male voices] He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.
Sorry. I thought we'd started.
Go to the back.
Oh, dear. [goes to the back]
Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?
Matthias Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!
You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
I'm warning you. If you say "Jehovah" once more— [a stone hits him] Right. Who threw that? Come on. Who threw that?
She did! It was her! [in male voices] He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.
Was it you?
Mrs. A Yes.
Right!
Mrs. A Well, you did say "Jehovah". [crowd stones her]
Stop! Stop, will you? Stop that! Stop it! Now, look. No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say "Jehovah". [crowd lets loose with stones, then crushes him with a large rock]
Good shot!
