Andreyev
Don't worry, nobody's gonna get killed, I promise you. This is just a musical emergency!
The Death of Stalin quotes
Page 1 of 4
Georgy Malenkov
[re: Beria]
No. No! He deserves a fair trial, he's one of us!
Nikita Khrushchev
What about Tukhachevsky and Pyatakov? Did they get a trial? What about Sokolnikov, who begged him to look after his elderly mother? And what did this monster do? He strangled her in front of him! It's too late. The only choice we have is between his death or his revenge. And you will **** sign this.
Georgy Malenkov
[reluctantly signs]
I want it to go on record, this was not my first course of action.
Georgy Malenkov
He's irreplaceable. How can we possibly...? I - we - must think of the people. As Acting General Secretary I must step up. I must, I must take his place while he's... on the floor.
Lavrentiy Beria
You just said he's irreplaceable.
Georgy Malenkov
Irreplaceable... "take his place", as in assembling the Central Committee, of course.
Lavrentiy Beria
Good. I was testing you. Get used to that sort of challenge.
Georgy Zhukov
[opens his overcoat to reveal two AK-47s]
All right, boys, meet your dates for tonight.
Leonid Brezhnev
I'll take the tall blonde.
Georgy Zhukov
Aslanov, you handsome devil! Stick you in a frock, I'd **** ride you raw myself.
NKVD Officer Aslanov
[forcing a smile]
I will take that as a compliment.
Georgy Zhukov
Yeah, don't.
Georgy Zhukov
[...] [noticing Malenkov]
Jesus Christ, did Coco Chanel take a shit on your head?
Georgy Malenkov
[visibly annoyed]
No, he did not.
Georgy Zhukov
Want a job done properly, you call the Army. Take his belt off. It's hard to run away with your pants falling down.
Nikita Khrushchev
[to Malenkov]
If you want to talk to General Zhukov, now's your opportunity.
Georgy Zhukov
Spit it out, Georgy. Staging a coup here.
Georgy Malenkov
...He's got a knife by his ankle.
Lavrentiy Beria
You're a disgrace!
Lazar Kaganovich
Give his head a good kicking. Make you feel better.
Vyacheslav Molotov
All in good time.
Lavrentiy Beria
Oh, I'm gonna enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face.
Georgy Zhukov
[holds up the little knife]
Not with that, you won't. Come on, then.
NKVD Officer Aslanov
[Aslanov and three other NKVD officers walk in, clueless that a coup is being staged]
S-sorry, comrades.
NKVD Officer Kobulov
Wrong room.
Lavrentiy Beria
Aslanov!
Georgy Zhukov
[The NKVD men hurriedly back out; Zhukov looks at a Red Army soldier holding an AK-47]
Go and kill them, will you?
Lavrentiy Beria
Kobulov!
Lavrentiy Beria
[banging on the window]
Guards!
Georgy Zhukov
[bursts into the Presidium conference room]
HANDS UP OR I'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE **** FACE...!
Lavrentiy Beria
[Everyone points over his shoulder at Beria at the window.]
Guards!
Georgy Zhukov
Oh, shit...
Lavrentiy Beria
[He hands his AK-47 to a soldier standing guard at the door and marches over to Beria.]
GUARDS!
Georgy Zhukov
Oy! [pulls Beria away from the window and decks him]
Lavrentiy Beria
You know what I'm doing? I'm offering you and that bloated soak my protection.
Svetlana Stalina
We are not children!
Vasily Stalin
[Tarasov emerges from Vasily's room, looking grim.] [from inside]
You are a real listener, thank you...!
Svetlana Stalina
...I am not a child.
Lazar Kaganovich
Who organized the Wurlitzer?
Dr. Lukomsky
It's a respirator.
Lazar Kaganovich
Did you use it?
Dr. Lukomsky
No... it's American.
Khrushchev/Kaganovich
It's what?
2nd Doctor
[points to Lukomsky]
It's from his hospital...
Dr. Lukomsky
[points to 2nd Doctor]
It was his idea...
Nikita Khrushchev
All right, let's just pretend these last six sentences never happened.
Man at Funeral Reception
Comrades...
Georgy Zhukov
**** off, or I'll punch you into a sticky pulp.
Nikita Khrushchev
[politely]
Thank you.
Georgy Zhukov
What the **** were you thinking?
Nikita Khrushchev
I don't know, okay, but I did it. I really need your help.
Georgy Zhukov
To do what? There's bodies **** piling up in the street, it's a bit late, isn't it?
Nikita Khrushchev
What if we blame this on someone...
Georgy Zhukov
Wait...
Nikita Khrushchev
Who's out of control?
Georgy Zhukov
Nicky, be very careful what you say next. Who?
Nikita Khrushchev
Beria.
Georgy Zhukov
I'm going to have to report this conversation. Threatening to do harm or obstruct any member of the Presidium in the process of... [grins] Look at your **** face!
[He laughs and kisses Khruschev full on the lips.] Nikita Khrushchev, you've balls like Kremlin domes!
Nikita Khrushchev
Stop it, be serious! Are you in?
Georgy Zhukov
Aye, I'm in, I'm in. That ****er thinks he can take on the Red Army? I **** Germany, I think I can take a flesh lump in a **** waistcoat. Now, it's got to be tomorrow.
Nikita Khrushchev
Tomorrow?
Georgy Zhukov
Sorry, you busy washing your hair or what?
Nikita Khrushchev
Tomorrow's the funeral.
Georgy Zhukov
Yeah, the day that the entire **** Army's in town with their guns.
Nikita Khrushchev
That's perfect!
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
[in a note]
Josef Vissarionovich Stalin, you have betrayed our nation and destroyed its people. I pray for your end and ask the Lord to forgive you. Tyrant.
Joseph Stalin
[Stalin bursts out laughing, then feels his stroke coming on.]
****... ****! [falls down as stroke paralyzes him]
Soldier
[Outside the door, the two Red Army guards hear a thud.]
Should we investigate...?
Sergeant
Should you shut the **** up before you get us both killed?
Nikita Khrushchev
It's okay, Vasily, everything's gonna be fine.
Svetlana Stalina
It's not exactly fine, is it? It's not fine.
Nikita Khrushchev
No... well, no, not exactly fine.
Svetlana Stalina
My father's lying there with his head open.
Nikita Khrushchev
Yes, your father's dead, your brother's shooting a gun, it's not fine, you're right.
Nikita Khrushchev
This is your work, is it?
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
Why? Are there spelling mistakes?
Nikita Khrushchev
Do you have any idea what kind of man Beria is?
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
He's releasing people from prison.
Nikita Khrushchev
That was my idea. I was going to do that. I'm the reformer. Me. Don't you **** laugh at me. I was going to release the bishops.
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
I thought you hated the Church.
Nikita Khrushchev
I do! Just tell me it's not true. Did you write this?
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
Stalin killed my family, my friends. Zinaida Reich, Kuperchinski.
Nikita Khrushchev
Kup... You knew Kuperchinski? I should have you shot just for saying his name.
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
Comrade Nikita Sergeyevich, you know me. I...
Nikita Khrushchev
Stop. No, I... I don't know you. You don't know me. You **** taught my niece piano lessons. That's it. Don't you see what Beria's done now? He's tied me to you. We are tied together. Like a rock...that's sinking and...
Maria Veniaminovna Yudina
I know. But I'm confident of everlasting life.
Nikita Khrushchev
Who the **** in their right mind would want everlasting life? The endless conversation.
Nikita Khrushchev
Which doctor have you called?
Georgy Malenkov
Oh, well...
Lavrentiy Beria
The subject's currently under discussion.
Georgy Malenkov
As acting General Secretary, I think that, well, the Committee should decide.
Nikita Khrushchev
The Committee? But our actual General Secretary is lying in a puddle of indignity! I think he's saying, "get me a doctor now!"
Georgy Malenkov
No, I-I don't agree. I think we should wait until we're quorate.
Nikita Khrushchev
Quorate? The room is only 75% conscious!
Lavrentiy Beria
[Peers At Him]
Are you wearing pyjamas?
Nikita Khrushchev
Yeah, so?
Lavrentiy Beria
...Why?
Nikita Khrushchev
Because I act, Lavrentiy! Decisively and with great speed.
Lavrentiy Beria
[To Malenkov]
I said you'd be tested, and now you're being tested by a shouting man in pyjamas. [To Khrushchev, Indicating Stalin] Have you got a nappy under those too? Too late for him. [He Chuckles]
NKVD Officer Kobulov
Some women will do anything to get their husbands released.
Lavrentiy Beria
Yep, and she did everything. I thank the Union for bringing me so many devoted wives who **** like sewing machines.