Nikita Khrushchev quotes from The Death of Stalin (2017)

Nikita Khrushchev

When you go home, make sure your wife writes down everything you think you said tonight. Alright? This way, in the morning you know what you're dealing with. It's Krushchev's law.

Nikita Khrushchev

He's on the floor! He's on the **** floor!

Nikita Khrushchev

If he recovers, then we got a good doctor. If he doesn't recover, then we didn't. But, he won't know.

Nikita Khrushchev

I'm the peacemaker and I’ll **** over anyone who gets in my way.

Nikita Khrushchev

I will bury you in history! You hear me, you fat ****er? You smell like rendered horse, you burning asshole...

Nikita Khrushchev

Which doctor have you called?

Georgy Malenkov

Oh, well...

The subject's currently under discussion.

Georgy Malenkov

As acting General Secretary, I think that, well, the Committee should decide.

Nikita Khrushchev

The Committee? But our actual General Secretary is lying in a puddle of indignity! I think he's saying, "get me a doctor now!"

Georgy Malenkov

No, I-I don't agree. I think we should wait until we're quorate.

Nikita Khrushchev

Quorate? The room is only 75% conscious!

Are you wearing pyjamas?

Nikita Khrushchev

Yeah, so?

...Why?

Nikita Khrushchev

Because I act, Lavrentiy! Decisively and with great speed.

I said you'd be tested, and now you're being tested by a shouting man in pyjamas. [To Khrushchev, Indicating Stalin] Have you got a nappy under those too? Too late for him. [He Chuckles]

Nikita Khrushchev

Comrades, now that we're quorate, I propose we call a doctor.

Lazar Kaganovich

All the best doctors are in the Gulag or dead.

Georgy Malenkov

Yes, yes because they tried to kill the boss!

Lazar Kaganovich

So any doctor still in Moscow is not a good doctor.

What are peoples' thoughts on getting a...bad doctor?

Anastas Mikoyan

What the **** are you talking about, that's mad! What if he recovers and finds out?

Nikita Khrushchev

Well, if he recovers, then we got a good doctor. If he doesn't recover then we didn't, but he won't know.

Lazar Kaganovich

Who organized the Wurlitzer?

It's a respirator.

Lazar Kaganovich

Did you use it?

No... it's American.

It's what?

It's from his hospital...

It was his idea...

Nikita Khrushchev

All right, let's just pretend these last six sentences never happened.

Nikita Khrushchev

It's okay, Vasily, everything's gonna be fine.

It's not exactly fine, is it? It's not fine.

Nikita Khrushchev

No... well, no, not exactly fine.

My father's lying there with his head open.

Nikita Khrushchev

Yes, your father's dead, your brother's shooting a gun, it's not fine, you're right.

Vasily Stalin

I want to make a speech at my father's funeral.

Nikita Khrushchev

And I want to **** Grace Kelly.

Vasily Stalin

I simply don't care! I want to make a speech at my father's funeral.

Comrades...

**** off, or I'll punch you into a sticky pulp.

Nikita Khrushchev

Thank you.

What the **** were you thinking?

Nikita Khrushchev

I don't know, okay, but I did it. I really need your help.

To do what? There's bodies **** piling up in the street, it's a bit late, isn't it?

Nikita Khrushchev

What if we blame this on someone...

Wait...

Nikita Khrushchev

Who's out of control?

Nicky, be very careful what you say next. Who?

Nikita Khrushchev

Beria.

I'm going to have to report this conversation. Threatening to do harm or obstruct any member of the Presidium in the process of... [grins] Look at your **** face!
[He laughs and kisses Khruschev full on the lips.] Nikita Khrushchev, you've balls like Kremlin domes!

Nikita Khrushchev

Stop it, be serious! Are you in?

Aye, I'm in, I'm in. That ****er thinks he can take on the Red Army? I **** Germany, I think I can take a flesh lump in a **** waistcoat. Now, it's got to be tomorrow.

Nikita Khrushchev

Tomorrow?

Sorry, you busy washing your hair or what?

Nikita Khrushchev

Tomorrow's the funeral.

Yeah, the day that the entire **** Army's in town with their guns.

Nikita Khrushchev

That's perfect!

It's time all of you realized who kept the daggers out of your backs. Show some **** respect! I... I've got, I've got... [grabs files from an aide] I've got documents. I have documents on all of you! [to Kruschev] You, um, 30th of March, 1937. Zolotov trials. 42 dead, 173 exiled. Your signature!

Lazar Kaganovich

Beria, that's enough!

Yeah, well, you signed off on the life of your own **** brother!

Lazar Kaganovich

Oh, you think that was easy? You bastard!

Bagrov, Gorev! How did your conscience accommodate that? [to Bulganin] And Zykov! Zykov! Poor blameless, guileless Zykov! All of you! All of you! I have documents on all of you! I've seen what you've done. I know the truth. [grabs a fistful of papers] It's all written down. It's all written down on a very **** long list![hurls the papers to the ground; to a guard] Just... pick them up. [the guard does]

Nikita Khrushchev

Are we done?

We will convene tomorrow, after the funeral. I will nominate... some scapegoats, we can arraign... a couple of the officers who fired.[he quickly leaves]

Nikita Khrushchev

No harm done.

Georgy Malenkov

Are you okay?

Nikita Khrushchev

It's only comrades and friends who can shout at each other like this.

Georgy Malenkov

All right, so we'll fix this in committee, right?

Nikita Khrushchev

He's using you, Georgy! He's using you, and then he's going to kill you! You saw those papers.

Georgy Malenkov

What are you talking about? Jesus, Nicky, he was pointing at you, he wasn't pointing at me.

Nikita Khrushchev

No, no, he said, [twirls his finger] "all of you."

Georgy Malenkov

No, no, I was over there, and he went, [twirls his finger] "all of you".

Nikita Khrushchev

Yeah, [twirls his finger] "all of you."

Georgy Malenkov

No, no, [twirls his finger] "all of you."

Lazar Kaganovich

No, he said, [twirls his finger] "all of you."

Georgy Malenkov

You know, [twirls his finger] all of you... [bends over and points] ...can kiss my Russian ass! All of you!

Nikita Khrushchev

Ask Beria if he invited the bishops.

Georgy Malenkov

Don't give me orders. [to Bulganin] Ask Beria if he invited the bishops.

Did you invite the bishops?

Yes.

Yes.

Nikita Khrushchev

Well?

Georgy Malenkov

He said yes.

Nikita Khrushchev

I'm going to give everyone in Red Square a voucher permitting one kick each to his stupid face.

Is he asking for some delicious hay?

No, he said something quite complicated about a voucher system.

Nikita Khrushchev

This is your work, is it?

Why? Are there spelling mistakes?

Nikita Khrushchev

Do you have any idea what kind of man Beria is?

He's releasing people from prison.

Nikita Khrushchev

That was my idea. I was going to do that. I'm the reformer. Me. Don't you **** laugh at me. I was going to release the bishops.

I thought you hated the Church.

Nikita Khrushchev

I do! Just tell me it's not true. Did you write this?

Stalin killed my family, my friends. Zinaida Reich, Kuperchinski.

Nikita Khrushchev

Kup... You knew Kuperchinski? I should have you shot just for saying his name.

Comrade Nikita Sergeyevich, you know me. I...

Nikita Khrushchev

Stop. No, I... I don't know you. You don't know me. You **** taught my niece piano lessons. That's it. Don't you see what Beria's done now? He's tied me to you. We are tied together. Like a rock...that's sinking and...

I know. But I'm confident of everlasting life.

Nikita Khrushchev

Who the **** in their right mind would want everlasting life? The endless conversation.

Want a job done properly, you call the Army. Take his belt off. It's hard to run away with your pants falling down.

Nikita Khrushchev

If you want to talk to General Zhukov, now's your opportunity.

Spit it out, Georgy. Staging a coup here.

Georgy Malenkov

...He's got a knife by his ankle.

You're a disgrace!

Lazar Kaganovich

Give his head a good kicking. Make you feel better.

Vyacheslav Molotov

All in good time.

Oh, I'm gonna enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face.

Not with that, you won't. Come on, then.

S-sorry, comrades.

Wrong room.

Aslanov!

Go and kill them, will you?

Kobulov!

Anastas Mikoyan

I have been picturing this moment every day for the last three decades.

Is this magisterial enough for you all? This charade? This is a lavatory!

Anastas Mikoyan

Well, you should feel at home then, shouldn't you, you little coil of shit?

**** me, Georgy's eyes really do follow you around the crapper. It's weird.

Lazar Kaganovich

Why'd they hang a picture of my grandmother in here? [laughs]

Ho-how long until the Army gets here? We're in complete limbo now!

Nikita Khrushchev

Not long. We have to wait for the NKVD to leave the Kremlin.

Vyacheslav Molotov

In that case, if nobody objects, I'm going to spend a kopeck. It's the excitement, I think...

Georgy Malenkov

No. No! He deserves a fair trial, he's one of us!

Nikita Khrushchev

What about Tukhachevsky and Pyatakov? Did they get a trial? What about Sokolnikov, who begged him to look after his elderly mother? And what did this monster do? He strangled her in front of him! It's too late. The only choice we have is between his death or his revenge. And you will **** sign this.

Georgy Malenkov

I want it to go on record, this was not my first course of action.

This is a travesty! You are all witnesses- this is criminal! Criminal travesty! I demand my rights under Article Fort- [to Ivan Konev, who is slapping his hand against the table] Would you stop banging?!

Marshal?

Comrade General Secretary! Get on with it!

You're judging me-you're judging me! I judge all of you! All of you!

**** you!

Nikita Khrushchev

You are accused of using your position as Minister of the Interior to plot against the Soviet Union...
Zhukov's Chief of Staff: Traitor!

Nikita Khrushchev

...with the goal of forwarding the interests of foreign powers.

Foreign powers? From where, the **** moon?!

Nikita Khrushchev

You are also accused of three hundred and forty-seven counts of rape, of sexual deviancy and bourgeois immorality...

Lazar Kaganovich

Pervert!

Everyone in this room is responsible for someone's death!

Nikita Khrushchev

...and acts of perversion with children as young as seven years old.

Seven years old!

Vyacheslav Molotov

Rapist! **** rapist!

You've got it wrong! I deny-

Nikita Khrushchev

Petra Nikova, aged 13. Nadia Ranova, aged 14. Magya Holovic, aged seven. Would you like to read the list yourself? [Beria doesn't respond] You are accused of treason and anti-Soviet behavior. The court finds you guilty and sentences you to be shot.

No! Please, don't shoot me! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry, I-

Well, that's got it done. [pause] Come on, have a look. Everyone.

Vyacheslav Molotov

This is for us! This is for the people!

Everybody happy? Proper dead?

Get 'im up.

Vyacheslav Molotov

You've ruined everything, Lavrentiy. You've ruined everything!

**** off back to Georgia, dead boy!

That's how you deal with a problem, isn't it?

Nikita Khrushchev

I'm sorry you had to be here.

I hope you didn't tell Beria that he was going to be safe from harm.

Nikita Khrushchev

You will be safe, okay? Vasily, too. If you listen to me.

Why wouldn't we be safe?

Nikita Khrushchev

What are you talking about? Just be quiet now.

I refuse to be quiet every time...

Nikita Khrushchev

Just shut up! Vasily stays here in Russia where we can take care of him. Read it.

Vienna? If I stayed, I could contain Vasily.

Nikita Khrushchev

No. No. No, you go to Vienna. He stays. We can't have a drunken madman spreading conspiracy theories all over the world.

He's not... He's not bad.

Nikita Khrushchev

Listen to me.

He's just ill.

Nikita Khrushchev

No. No. You understand what's going on? This is how people get killed, when their stories don't fit. Safe travels.

I never thought it would be you.

Nikita Khrushchev

Now we can turn the corner.

Lazar Kaganovich

Yeah. Put all the bloodshed behind us.

Nikita Khrushchev

I'm worried about Malenkov, though. Can we trust him?

Lazar Kaganovich

Can you ever trust a weak man?