Carl Showalter Would you crack the ****in' window open, man. You know, it's proven that second-hand smoke is, uh, carcin-... uh, you know, cancer related or something.
Played by Steve Buscemi 
Fargo (1996) · 67 quotes
Fargo (1996) · 67 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Fargo (1996): in 20 of its 67 quotes
Most scenes with: Grimsrud (6), Jerry Lundegaard (3)
Keep it still back there, lady, or else we're gonna have to, ya know, to shoot ya.
More lines from Carl Showalter
6 quotes Carl Showalter Carl Showalter Just in town on business. Just in and out. Ha. Just a little of the old in-and-out.
Carl Showalter [After Grimsrud has shot a cop right next to him]
Whoa, daddy.
Carl Showalter You should have seen the other guy
Carl Showalter Shep! What the hell are you doing! I was bangin' that girl!
Carl Showalter Stay away from me, man! Hey, go smoke a ****in' peace pipe!
Scenes with Carl Showalter
13 scenes
I'm, uh, Jerry Lundegaard.
Carl You're Jerry Lundegaard?
Yah, Shep Proudfoot said--
Carl Shep said you'd be here at 7:30. What gives, man?
Shep said 8:30.
Carl We been sitting here an hour. He's peed three times already.
I'm terribly sorry. Shep told me 8:30. It was a mix-up, I guess.
Carl You got the car?
Yeah, you bet. It's in the lot there. Brand-new burnt umber Ciera.
Carl Yeah, okay. Well, sit down then. I'm Carl Showalter and this is my associate Gaear Grimsrud.
Yeah, how ya doin'? So, we all set on this thing, then?
Carl Sure, Jerry, we're all set. Why wouldn't we be?
Yeah, no, I'm sure you are. Shep vouched for you and all. I got every confidence in you fellas. So I guess that's it, then. Here are the keys--
Carl No, that's not it, Jerry.
Huh?
Carl The new vehicle, plus forty thousand dollars.
Yeah, but the deal was, the car first, see, then the forty thousand, like as if it was the ransom. I thought Shep told ya--
Carl Shep didn't tell us much, Jerry.
Well, okay--
Carl Except that you were gonna be here at 7:30.
Yeah, well, that was a mix-up, then.
Carl Yeah, you already said that.
Yeah. But it's not a whole pay-in-advance deal. I give you a brand-new vehicle in advance and--
Carl I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry.
Okay.
Carl I'm not gonna sit here and debate. I will say this though: what Shep told us didn't make a whole lot of sense.
Oh, no, it's real sound. It's all worked out.
Carl You want your own wife kidnapped?
Yeah.
Carl You--my point is, you pay the ransom what eighty thousand bucks? I mean, you give us half the ransom, forty thousand, you keep half. It's like robbing Peter to play Paul, it doesn't make any sense.
Okay, see, it's not me payin' the ransom. The thing is, my wife, she's wealthy. Her dad, he's real well off. Now, I'm in a bit of trouble--
Carl What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry?
Well, that's, that's, I'm not go into, into--see, I just need money. Now, her dad's real wealthy--
Carl So why don't you just ask him for the money?
Or your **** wife, you know.
Carl Or your **** wife, Jerry.
Well, it's all just part of this--They don't know I need it, see. Okay, so there's that. And even if they did, I wouldn't get it. So there's that on top, then. See, these're personal matters.
Carl Personal matters?
Yeah. Personal matters that needn't, uh--
Carl Okay, Jerry. You're tasking us to perform this mission, but you, you won't, uh, you won't. Aw, **** it, let's take a look at that Ciera.
Where is Pancakes House?
Carl What?
We stop at Pancakes House.
Carl What are ya, nuts? We had pancakes for breakfast. I want to go somewhere I can get a shot and a beer, and a steak, maybe. No more ****in' pancakes, C'mon, man. C'mon, man! Okay, here's an idea. We'll stop outside of Brainerd. I know a place there we can get laid. What do ya think?
I'm ****in' hungry now, you know!
Carl Yeah, yeah. Jesus. I was just saying we could stop, get pancakes, and get laid.
Carl Hey, look at that. Twin Cities. That's the IDS Building, the big glass one. Tallest skyscraper in the Midwest - after the uh, Sears, in, uh, Chicago, or John Hancock Building, whatever. You ever been to Minneapolis?
Nope.
Carl Would it kill you to say something?
I did.
Carl "No." That's the first thing you've said in the last four hours. That's a, that's a fountain of conversation, man. That's a geyser. I mean, whoa, daddy, stand back, man. Shit. You know I'm sittin' here drivin', doin' all the drivin', man, the whole ****in' way from Brainerd, drivin', just tryin' to chat, you know, keep our spirits up, fight the boredom of the road, and you can't say one ****in' thing just in the way of conversation? Well, **** it. I don't have to talk either, man. See how you like it. [Pause] Just total ****in' silence. Two can play at that game, smart guy. We'll just see how you like it. Total silence.
Shut the **** up or I'll throw you back in the trunk, you know.
Carl Geez. That's more than I've heard you say all week.
State Trooper
This is a new car, then, sir?
Carl It certainly is, officer. Still got that smell!
Carl [after Grimsrud shoots the police officer]
Whoa! Whoa, daddy.
You'll take care of it. You are smooth, smooth, you know. Just clean him of the road.
Carl All right, Jerry, you got this phone to yourself?
Well, yeah.
Carl Know who this is?
Well, yeah, I got an idea. How's that Ciera workin' out for ya?
Carl Circumstances have changed, Jerry.
Well, what do ya mean?
Carl Things have changed. Circumstances, Jerry. Beyond the, uh, acts of God, force majeure--
What the--how's Jean?
Carl Who's Jean?
My wife! What the--how's--
Carl Oh, Jean's okay, but there's three people up in Brainerd who aren't so okay, I'll tell ya that.
What the heck are you talkin' about? Let's just finish up this deal here--
Carl Blood has been shed, Jerry.
What the heck ya mean?
Carl Three people. In Brainerd.
Oh, geez.
Carl That's right and we need more money.
The heck do ya mean? What a you fellas get yourself mixed up in?
Carl We need more--
This was s'posed to be a no-rough-stuff-type deal--
Carl Don't ever interrupt me Jerry, just shut the **** up!
Well, I'm sorry, but I just--I--
Carl Look, I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. The price is now the whole amount. We want the entire eighty thousand.
Oh, for Christ sakes here--
Carl Blood has been shed. We've incurred risks, Jerry. I'm coming into town tomorrow. Have the money ready.
Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal.
Carl Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal. Go ahead, ask them!
The heck do ya mean?
Carl Showalter [mimicking]
"The heck ya mean?" I'll see you tomorrow.
Attendant
Hi.
Carl Yeah, I decided not to park here.
Attendant
What do you mean? You decided not to park here?
Carl Yeah, I just came in. I decided not to park here.
Attendant
You, uh--I'm sorry, sir, but--
Carl I decided not to--I'm, uh, not taking the trip as it turns out.
Attendant
I'm sorry, sir, we do have to charge you the four dollars.
Carl I just pulled in here. I just ****in' pulled in here!
Attendant
Well, see, there's a minimum charge of four dollars. Long-term parking charges by the day.
Carl I guess you think, ya know, you're some kind of an authority figure. With that stupid **** uniform. Huh, buddy? King Clip-on Tie here. Big **** man, huh? You know, these are the limits of your life, man. Ruler of your little **** gate here. There's your four dollars, you pathetic piece of shit.
Female Escort So, you from around here?
Carl Just in town on business. Just in and out. A little of the old in-and-out!
Female Escort What do ya do?
Carl Have ya been to the Celebrity Room before? With other, uh, clients?
Female Escort I don't think so. It's nice.
Carl Yeah, well, it depends on the artist. You know, Jose Feliciano, ya got no complaints. Waiter! What is he deaf? So, how long you been with the escort service?
Female Escort I don't know, a few months.
Carl Find that work interesting, do ya?
Female Escort What're ya talkin' about?
Carl All right, Jerry, I'm through **** around. You got the **** money?
Yeah, I got the money, but, uh--
Carl Don't you **** but me, Jerry. I want you with this money on the Dayton-Radisson parking ramp, top level, thirty minutes, and we'll wrap this up.
Yeah, okay, but, uh--
Carl You're there in thirty minutes or I find you, Jerry, and I shoot you, and I shoot your **** wife, and I shoot all your little **** children, and I shoot 'em all in the back of their little **** heads. Got it?
Okay, now you stay away from Scotty now.
Carl Got it?!
Okay. Real good then.
Carl Who the **** are you? Who the **** are you?!
I've got your damn money now where's my dauguter?
Carl I am through ****in' around. Drop that ****in' briefcase!
Where's my daughter?
Carl **** you man! Where's Jerry? I gave simple ****in' instructions.
Where's my damn daughter? No Jean, no money!
Carl Drop that **** money!
No Jean, no money!
Carl Is this a ****in' joke here?! [Carl pulls out his gun and shoots Wade] Happy now, asshole?! What's with you people?! Ya **** imbeciles!
Carl [Wade shoots Carl in the cheek]
****in' shot me!
Attendant
May I have your ticket--[He sees Carl's bloody face] Please?
Carl Open the **** gate!
Carl [about his face]
You should see the other guy. [He sees Jean slumped to the floor, dead] The **** happened to her?
She started shrieking, ya know.
Carl Jesus. Oh. Well, I got the money. All of it. All eighty grand. Forty for you, forty for me. That's it, then. Here are the keys to my truck. I'm takin' the Sierra.
We split that.
Carl How the **** do ya split a ****in' car, ya dummy? With a ****in' chainsaw?
One of us pays the other for half.
Carl Hold on. No ****in' way. You ****in' notice this?! I got ****in' shot. I got ****in' shot in the face! I went and got the ****in' money! I got shot ****in' pickin' it up! I've been up for thirty-six ****in' hours! I'm takin' that ****in' car! That ****er's mine, ya ****in' asshole. Ya know, I've been listenin' to your ****in' bullshit all week. Are we square?! Are we square? Yeah, ya ****in' mute. And if you see your friend Shep Proudfoot, tell him I'm gonna nail his ****in' ass!
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