Mr. Pink I'm very sorry the government taxes their tips, that's **** up. That ain't my fault. It would seem to me that waitresses are one of the many groups the government ****s in the ass on a regular basis. Look, if you show me a piece of paper that says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it, but what I won't do is play ball. And this non-college bullshit you're givin' me, I got two words for that: learn to ****in' type, 'cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent you're in for a big ****in' surprise.
Mr. Pink You wanna **** with me? I'll show you who you're **** with!
You wanna shoot me, you little piece of shit? Go ahead. Take a shot.
Mr. Pink **** you, White. I didn't create the situation, I'm dealing with it! You're acting like a first-year **** thief, I'm acting like a professional! They get him, they get you. They get you, they get closer to me and that can't happen! You're looking at me like it's my fault? I didn't tell him my name, I didn't tell him where I was from! Shit, fifteen minutes ago, you almost told me your name. Your buddy got stuck in a situation you created. So if you wanna throw bad looks somewhere, go look in a mirror!
You kids shouldn't play so rough. Somebody's gonna start crying.
Mr. Pink Uh-uh, I don't tip.
Mr. Pink I don't believe in it.
You don't believe in tipping?
You know what these chicks make? They make shit.
Mr. Pink Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.
I don't even know a **** Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me get this straight: you never ever tip, huh?
Mr. Pink I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I tip when somebody really deserves a tip. If they put forth an effort, I'll give them something extra. But I mean, this tipping automatically, that's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.
Mr. Pink She was okay. But she wasn't anything special.
What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?
I'd go over twelve percent for that.
Dad I'm sorry but I really don't know what's going on here.
That's all right Eddie, I'll fill in the blanks for you.
What are you talking about.
That lump of shit's working for the LAPD.
Joe, I don't have the single, slightest **** idea what you're talking about.
Joe I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong. I know this man, he wouldn't do that.
You don't know shit I do the **** tipped off the cops and got Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.
Mr. Pink Mr. Blue is dead?
How do you know all of this?
He was the only one I wasn't a hundred percent on. I should have my **** head examined going in when I wasn't a hundred percent sure.
[Draws a gun and aims at Orange]
You don't need proof when you got instinct. I ignored it before but no more.
[Mr. White draws a gun and aims at Joe. And Eddie draws a gun and aims at White.]
Have you lost your **** mind?
Joe you are making a mistake, I won't let you do it.
Mr. Pink Come on guys. We're supposed to be acting like **** professionals.
Joe you shoot that man, you die next. Repeat: You shoot that man, you die next.
Larry, it's been a long time, a lot of jobs. We've been through a lot of shit. You respect me and I respect you, but I will put bullets in your heart if you don't put that **** gun down now. Let's all just put our guns down and settle this with a **** conversation.
Goddamn you, Joe. Don't make me do this.
LARRY YOU STOP POINTING THAT **** GUN AT MY DAD!
[White, Eddie, Joe and Orange are all shot simultaniously.]
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song. It's a metaphor for big dicks.
No, no. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been **** over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out, Greenbay. Tell that ****in' bullshit to the tourists.
[looking at his address book]
Toby... Who the **** is Toby?
Like a Virgin is not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what True Blue is about. Granted, no argument about that.
You ain't heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow this Tops of the Pops shit, and even I've heard of True Blue.
Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.
Personally, I can do without her.
I used to like her early stuff. Borderline - but once she got off with that Papa Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.
You guys are, like, making me lose my... train of thought here. I was saying something, what was it?
Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?
It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?
What the **** was I talking about?
Mr. Pink You said 'True Blue' was about a guy... er.... a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, but 'Like a Virgin' was a metaphor for big dicks.
O.K., let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular **** machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon: dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Then one day she meets this John Holmes mother****er and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape; he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat ****s her it hurts. It hurts, just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding the **** machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a Virgin."
Okay. Let's go through what happened.
Mr. Pink Okay.
We're in the place, everything's going fine. Then the alarm gets tripped. I turn around, and all these cops are outside. You're right, it was like, bam! [snaps fingers] I blink my eyes, and they're there. Everybody starts goin' apeshit, and Mr. Blonde starts to shoot all the--
Mr. Pink [interrupting]
That's not correct.
Mr. Pink Okay. The cops did not show up when the alarm went off. The cops didn't show up until after Mr. Blonde started shootin' everybody.
As soon as I heard the alarm, I saw the cops--
Mr. Pink No, man, I'm telling you it wasn't that soon. They let--they didn't let their presence be known until after Mr. Blonde became a madman. I'm not sayin' they weren't there, I'm sayin' they were, but they didn't make, their-their move until after Mr. Blonde started shootin' everybody. I mean, that's how I know we were set up. C'mon, Mr. White, you can, I mean, you can see that--
[interrupting]
Look! Look, enough of this "Mr. White" shit--
Mr. Pink Hey, wait wait wait, man! Don't tell me your ****in' name, man, I don't wanna know it! Jesus Christ, I ain't gonna tell you mine!
[Mr. White and Mr. Pink take a moment to consider their situation]
You're right. This is bad.
Mr. Pink Man, could you believe Mr. Blonde?
That was the most insane ****in' thing I have ever seen. Why the **** would Joe hire a guy like that?
Mr. Pink I mean, I don't wanna kill anybody. But if I gotta get out that door, and you're standin' in my way, one way or the other you're gettin' out of my way.
[while splashing water on his face in the sink]
That's the way I look at it. The choice between doin' ten years, or takin' out some stupid mother****er, ain't no choice at all. [dries his face off with a paper towel] But I ain't no madman, either! What the **** was Joe thinkin' when he came up with a guy like that? We were awful goddamn lucky he didn't tag us when he shot the place up. I came this close to takin' his ass out myself!
Mr. Pink [taking his gun out to reload it]
I mean, everybody panics. Everybody. Things get tense...it's human nature, you panic. I don't care what your name is, you can't help it.
Mr. Pink [Mr. Pink chambers a round in his gun; Mr. White turns, briefly alarmed, before Mr. Pink puts his gun away]
****, man, you panic on the inside. In your head, ya know? Then you give yourself a couple of seconds, you get a hold of the situation, you deal with it! What you don't do, is start shootin' up the place, and start killin' people!
[combing his hair, while looking in the mirror]
What you're supposed to do, is act like a ****in' professional. A psychopath ain't a professional. You can't work with a psychopath. You don't know what those sick assholes are gonna do next.
[Mr. White turns towards Mr. Pink]
I mean...Jesus Christ, how old do you think that black girl was? Twenty? Maybe twenty-one?
Mr. Pink If that.
You better start talkin', asshole! Cause we got shit we need to talk about. We're already freaked out, we need you actin' freaky like we need a ****in' bag on our hip.
We think we got a rat in the house.
Mr. Pink I guarantee we got a rat in the house!
Is that supposed to be funny?
Mr. Pink Look, we think this place ain't safe.
This place just ain't secure anymore. We're leaving, you should go with us.
[about Mr. Blonde]
Piss on this **** turd! [To Mr. Pink] We're outta here.
Don't take another step, Mr. White.
[screams]
**** you, maniac! It's your ****in' fault we're in this trouble!
[calmly to Mr. Pink]
What's this guy's problem?
What's my problem? Yeah, I gotta ****in' problem! I gotta big ****in' problem with any trigger-happy madman who almost gets me shot!
What the **** are you talking about?
That **** shooting spree in the store, remember?!
[shrugs]
**** 'em. They set off the alarm. They deserve what they got.
You almost killed me! ASSHOLE! If I had known what kind of guy you were, I never would've agreed to work with you.
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?
What was that? I'm sorry, I didn't catch it. Would you repeat it?
Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite? [throws away his drink]
Mr. Pink Oh, Christ, hey, look, you two assholes, calm the **** down! Hey, come on, are we on a playground here, huh?! [pause] Am I the only professional?! You ****in' guys are acting like a bunch of ****in' ****! You work with ****, huh? Just like you two, always sayin' they're gonna kill each other.
[to Mr. Pink]
You said yourself you thought about taking him out!
[menacing]
You ****in' said that?
Mr. Pink Yeah, I did, OK? I did. But that was then. Right now, this guy is the only one I completely trust. He's too ****in' homicidal to be workin' with the cops.
Mr. Pink NO! **** sides, man! What we need here is a little solidarity! Somebody's stickin' a red hot poker up our asses, and I wanna know whose name's on the handle! Now I know I'm no piece of shit... [referring to Mr. White] And I'm pretty sure you're OK... [referring to Mr. Blonde] And I'm ****in' positive you're on the level. So let's try and figure out who the bad guy is, alright?
[calming down, chuckling]
Wow, that was really exciting. I bet you're a big Lee Marvin fan, aren't ya? Me too, I love that guy. My heart's beatin' so fast, I'm about to have a heart attack here.
Mr. Pink We were set up. The cops were there waitin' for us.
What? Nobody ****in' set anybody up.
Mr. Pink The cops were there waitin' for us, man!
Mr. Pink Hey, **** you, man! You weren't there, we were! And I'm tellin' you, the cops had the place staked out!
Okay, Mr. ****in' Detective, you're so ****in' smart? Huh? Who did it?
Mr. Pink What the hell do ya think we've been askin' each other?
Yeah? And what'd you come up with, huh? You think I did it? You think I ****in' set you up?
Mr. Pink I don't know! But somebody did!
Nobody did. You ****in' assholes turned the jewelry store into a Wild West show--
[interrupting]
Don't you call me an asshole!
You ****in' idiots turned the ****in' jewelry store into a Wild West show--
[interrupting again]
Don't you call me a ****in' idiot!
[louder]
--and you wonder why the ****in' cops show up?!
Now, what happened to Brown and Blue?
Mr. Pink Brown's dead. We don't know what happened to Blue.
Brown's dead? Are you sure?
I'm sure. I was there. He took one in the head.
Nobody's got a clue what happened to Mr. Blue?
Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him... or they don't.
All right, first things ****in' last. Who's got the stones? Please, somebody at least tell me, just one little ****in' favor, just for my sake--
Mr. Pink [interrupting]
I got a bag. I got a bag, okay? I stashed it until we could be sure this place wasn't a police station!
Good for you. Now let's go get it. But first we gotta get rid of those cars outside, it looks like Sam's Hot Car Lot out there. Okay. Blondie, you sit here and babysit them two. White and Pink, you take a car each. I'll follow you. You ditch 'em, pick up the stones. And while I'm followin' you, I'll arrange some sort of a doctor for our friend. [pointing at Mr. Orange]
[pointing at Mr. Blonde]
You can't leave these guys here with him.
Because he's a ****in' psycho. And if you think Joe's pissed off, that ain't nothin' compared to how pissed off I am at him, for puttin' me in the same room as that bastard!
You see what I've been puttin' up with, Eddie? I ****in' walked in here, I told these guys about stayin' put, Mr. White whips out his gun, he's stickin' it in my face, callin' me a mother****er, sayin' he's gonna blow me away, and blah blah blah blah blah.
[pointing at Mr. Blonde]
He's the reason the joint turned into a shootin' spree. [to Mr. Pink] What are you, a ****in' silent partner?! Tell him!
Mr. Pink He went crazy in the store, but he seems all right now.
This is what he was doin': [mimics Mr. Blonde shooting people in the head] Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.
Yeah, bam bam bam bam bam. I told 'em not to touch the ****in' alarm, they did. If they hadn't've done what I told 'em not to do, they'd still be alive.
[sarcastically applauding]
My ****in' hero!
That's your excuse for goin' on a kill-crazy rampage?
I don't like alarms, Mr. White.
What does it matter who stays with the cop? We ain't lettin' him go, not after he's seen everybody.
Officer Marvin Nash I haven't been lookin' at you guys--
Mr. Pink [interrupting]
Shut the **** up, man! [punches Nash]
You guys should have never taken him out of the trunk in the first place.
Mr. Pink We tried to find out what he knew about the setup--
[enraged]
THERE IS NO ****IN' SETUP! Now here's the news! Blondie, you stay here and take care of these two! White and Pink, you come with me! 'Cause if Joe gets here and he sees all these cars, I swear to you he's gonna be just as mad at me as he is at you!
So, you guys like to tell jokes, huh? Gigglin' and laughin' like a bunch of young broads sittin' in a schoolyard. Well, let me tell a joke. Five guys, sittin' in a bullpen, in San Quentin. All wondering how the **** they got there. What should we have done, what didn't we do, who's fault is it, is it my fault, your fault, his fault, all that bullshit. Then one of them says, hey. Wait a minute. When we were planning this caper, all we did was sit around tellin' ****in' jokes! Get the message? Boys, I don't mean to holler at ya. When this caper's over - and I'm sure it'll be a successful one - we'll get down to the Hawaiian Islands, hell, I'll roll and laugh with all of ya. You'll find me a different character down there. Right now, it's a matter of business. With the exception of Eddie and myself, whom you already know, we're going to be using aliases on this job. Under no circumstances do I want any one of you to relate to each other by your Christian names, and I don't want any talk about yourself personally. That includes where you been, your wife's name, where you might've done time, or maybe a bank you robbed in St. Petersburg. All I want you guys to talk about, if you have to, is what you're going to do. That should do it. Here are your names... [pointing to each respective member] Mr. Brown, Mr. White, Mr. Blonde, Mr. Blue, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Pink.
Mr. Pink Why am I Mr. Pink?
Because, you're a ****, alright?!
Mr. Pink [Mr. Brown laughs]
Why can't we pick our own colors?
No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn't work. You got four guys all fighting over who's gonna be Mr. Black, but they don't know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You're Mr. Pink. Be thankful you're not Mr. Yellow.
Yeah, but Mr. Brown? That's a little too close to Mr. Shit.
Mr. Pink Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. Pussy. How 'bout if I'm Mr. Purple? That sounds good to me. I'll be Mr. Purple.
You're not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. You're Mr. PINK.
Who cares what your name is?
Mr. Pink Yeah, that's easy for your to say, you're Mr. White. You have a cool-sounding name. Alright look, if it's no big deal to be Mr. Pink, you wanna trade?
Hey! NOBODY'S trading with ANYBODY. This ain't a goddamn **** city council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There's two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. Now what's it gonna be, Mr. Pink?
Mr. Pink Jesus Christ, Joe, **** forget about it. It's beneath me. I'm Mr. Pink. Let's move on.
I'll move on when I feel like it... All you guys got the goddamn message?... I'm so Goddamn mad, hollering at you guys, I can hardly talk. Pssh. Let's go to work.
