Nice Guy Eddie If you **** beat this prick long enough, he'll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire, now that don't necessarily make it **** so!
Played by Chris Penn 
Reservoir Dogs (1992) · 49 quotes
Reservoir Dogs (1992) · 49 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Reservoir Dogs (1992): in 11 of its 49 quotes
Most scenes with: Mr. White (7), Mr. Pink (6), Mr. Orange (4)
Scenes with Nice Guy Eddie
11 scenes Nice Guy Eddie Nice Guy Eddie C'mon, throw in a buck!
Uh-uh, I don't tip.
Nice Guy Eddie You don't tip?
I don't believe in it.
Nice Guy Eddie You don't believe in tipping?
You know what these chicks make? They make shit.
Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.
Nice Guy Eddie I don't even know a **** Jew who'd have the balls to say that. Let me get this straight: you never ever tip, huh?
I don't tip because society says I have to. Alright, I tip when somebody really deserves a tip. If they put forth an effort, I'll give them something extra. But I mean, this tipping automatically, that's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned they're just doing their job.
Hey, this girl was nice.
She was okay. But she wasn't anything special.
What's special? Take you in the back and suck your dick?
Nice Guy Eddie I'd go over twelve percent for that.
Nice Guy Eddie Did you see that daddy? Guy got me on the ground and he tried to **** me.
You wish.
Nice Guy Eddie Listen Vic, I don't mind what you do, but don't try to **** me in my father's office, I don't think of you that way. I like you a lot man, but I don't think of you that way.
Vic
Eddie, if I was a butt cowboy, I wouldn't even throw you to the posse.
Nice Guy Eddie Of course not, you'd keep me for yourself, you sick bastard. Four years of ****in' punks up the ass you'd appreciate a piece of prime rib when you see one.
This is a very weird situation. 'Cause I don't know if you remember back in '86 there was a major **** drought. Nobody had anything. People were living on resin... -smoking the wood in their pipes for months. This chick had a bunch. And she's begging me to sell it. So I told her I wasn't going to be Joe the potman anymore, but I would take a little bit and sell it to my close, close, close friends. She agreed to that, said we'd keep the same arrangement as before; 10%, free pot for me, as long as I helped her out that weekend. She had a brick of weed she was selling, she didn't want to go to the buy alone. Her brother usually goes with her, but he's in county unexpectedly.
What for?
His traffic tickets. Got a warrant. They stopped him for something, found warrants on him, took him to county. Now she doesn't walk around alone with all that weed. I don't want to do this. I have a very bad feeling about it. But she keeps asking me, keeps asking me, keeps asking me, finally I said OK 'cause I'm sick of hearing it. Now, we're picking the guy up at the train station...
Nice Guy Eddie Wait a minute. You go to the train station to pick up the buyer with the weed on you?
The guy needed it right away. Don't ask me why. Anyway, we're get to the station and we're waiting for the guy. I'm carrying the weed in one of those little carry-on bags. I got to take a piss. So I tell the connection I'll be right back, I'm going to the boys' room. So I walk in the mens' room, and who's standing there? Four Los Angeles county sheriffs and a German shepherd.
Nice Guy Eddie They're waiting for you?
No, they're just a bunch of cops hanging out in the men's room, talking. When I walked through the door, they all stopped what they were talking about and they looked at me.
German shepherd starts barking. He's barking at me. I mean, it's obvious. He's barking at me. Every nerve-ending, all my senses, blood in my veins, everything I have is screaming, "Take off, man! Just bail, just get the **** out of there!" Panic hits me like a bucket of water. First there's the shock of it--BAM, right in the face. I'm standing there drenched in panic. All these sheriffs looking at me, and they know, man. They can smell it. Sure as that **** dog can, they can smell it on me.
Nice Guy Eddie Let me say this out loud, 'cause I wanna get it straight in my head. You're saying that Mr. Blonde was gonna kill you, then when we got back, he was going kill us, take the satchel of diamonds, and scram. I'm right about that, right? That's correct? That's your story?
I swear on my mother's eternal soul that's what happened.
Nice Guy Eddie The man you just killed was just released from prison. He got caught at a company warehouse full of hot items. He could've ****in' walked. All he had to do was say my dad's name, but he didn't; he kept his **** mouth shut. And did his ****in' time, and he did it like a man. He did four years for us. So, Mr. Orange, you're tellin' me this very good friend of mine, who did four years for my father, who in four years never made a deal, no matter what they dangled in front of him, you're telling me that now, that now this man is free, and we're making good on our commitment to him, he's just gonna decide, out of the **** blue, to rip us off? Why don't you tell me what really happened?
This man set us up.
Nice Guy Eddie Dad I'm sorry but I really don't know what's going on here.
That's all right Eddie, I'll fill in the blanks for you.
What are you talking about.
That lump of shit's working for the LAPD.
Joe, I don't have the single, slightest **** idea what you're talking about.
Joe I don't know what you think you know, but you're wrong. I know this man, he wouldn't do that.
You don't know shit I do the **** tipped off the cops and got Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue killed.
Mr. Blue is dead?
Dead as Dillinger.
How do you know all of this?
He was the only one I wasn't a hundred percent on. I should have my **** head examined going in when I wasn't a hundred percent sure.
That's your proof?!
[Draws a gun and aims at Orange]
You don't need proof when you got instinct. I ignored it before but no more.
Nice Guy Eddie [Mr. White draws a gun and aims at Joe. And Eddie draws a gun and aims at White.]
Have you lost your **** mind?
Joe you are making a mistake, I won't let you do it.
Come on guys. We're supposed to be acting like **** professionals.
Joe you shoot that man, you die next. Repeat: You shoot that man, you die next.
Nice Guy Eddie Larry, it's been a long time, a lot of jobs. We've been through a lot of shit. You respect me and I respect you, but I will put bullets in your heart if you don't put that **** gun down now. Let's all just put our guns down and settle this with a **** conversation.
Goddamn you, Joe. Don't make me do this.
Nice Guy Eddie LARRY YOU STOP POINTING THAT **** GUN AT MY DAD!
[White, Eddie, Joe and Orange are all shot simultaniously.]
Let me tell you what Like a Virgin is about. It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick. The entire song. It's a metaphor for big dicks.
No, no. It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been **** over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensitive...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... Time out, Greenbay. Tell that ****in' bullshit to the tourists.
Like a Virgin is not about some sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That's what True Blue is about. Granted, no argument about that.
Which one is True Blue?
Nice Guy Eddie You ain't heard True Blue? It was a big ass hit for Madonna. I don't even follow this Tops of the Pops shit, and even I've heard of True Blue.
Look, asshole, I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Madonna fan.
Personally, I can do without her.
I used to like her early stuff. Borderline - but once she got off with that Papa Don't Preach phase, I tuned out.
You guys are, like, making me lose my... train of thought here. I was saying something, what was it?
Oh, Toby's that little Chinese girl. What was her last name?
What's that?
It's an old address book I found in a coat I haven't worn in a coon's age. What was that name?
What the **** was I talking about?
You said 'True Blue' was about a guy... er.... a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, but 'Like a Virgin' was a metaphor for big dicks.
O.K., let me tell you what Like a Virgin's about. It's all about this cooze who's a regular **** machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon: dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
How many dicks is that?
A lot.
Then one day she meets this John Holmes mother****er and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Charles Bronson in The Great Escape; he's digging tunnels. Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain.
Chu? Toby Chu?
It hurts. It hurts her. It shouldn't hurt her, you know her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat ****s her it hurts. It hurts, just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding the **** machine what it once was like to be a virgin. Hence, "Like a Virgin."
We were set up. The cops were there waitin' for us.
Nice Guy Eddie What? Nobody ****in' set anybody up.
The cops were there waitin' for us, man!
Nice Guy Eddie Bullshit.
Hey, **** you, man! You weren't there, we were! And I'm tellin' you, the cops had the place staked out!
Nice Guy Eddie Okay, Mr. ****in' Detective, you're so ****in' smart? Huh? Who did it?
What the hell do ya think we've been askin' each other?
Nice Guy Eddie Yeah? And what'd you come up with, huh? You think I did it? You think I ****in' set you up?
I don't know! But somebody did!
Nice Guy Eddie Nobody did. You ****in' assholes turned the jewelry store into a Wild West show--
Nice Guy Eddie You ****in' idiots turned the ****in' jewelry store into a Wild West show--
Nice Guy Eddie [louder]
--and you wonder why the ****in' cops show up?!
[gesturing towards Mr. Orange, who is bleeding out on the floor]
What are you gonna do about him?
Nice Guy Eddie Jesus Christ, gimme a ****in' chance to breathe, here. I got a few questions of my own.
Nice Guy Eddie [exasperatedly]
All right, Mr. ****in' COMPASSION! I will call somebody!
Who?
Nice Guy Eddie [incredulously]
...a ****in' snake charmer! Who do you think? I'll call a doctor, they'll fix him right up!
Nice Guy Eddie Now, what happened to Brown and Blue?
Brown's dead. We don't know what happened to Blue.
Nice Guy Eddie Brown's dead? Are you sure?
I'm sure. I was there. He took one in the head.
Nice Guy Eddie Nobody's got a clue what happened to Mr. Blue?
Either he's alive or he's dead, or the cops got him... or they don't.
Nice Guy Eddie All right, first things ****in' last. Who's got the stones? Please, somebody at least tell me, just one little ****in' favor, just for my sake--
[interrupting]
I got a bag. I got a bag, okay? I stashed it until we could be sure this place wasn't a police station!
Nice Guy Eddie Good for you. Now let's go get it. But first we gotta get rid of those cars outside, it looks like Sam's Hot Car Lot out there. Okay. Blondie, you sit here and babysit them two. White and Pink, you take a car each. I'll follow you. You ditch 'em, pick up the stones. And while I'm followin' you, I'll arrange some sort of a doctor for our friend. [pointing at Mr. Orange]
Nice Guy Eddie Why not?
Because he's a ****in' psycho. And if you think Joe's pissed off, that ain't nothin' compared to how pissed off I am at him, for puttin' me in the same room as that bastard!
You see what I've been puttin' up with, Eddie? I ****in' walked in here, I told these guys about stayin' put, Mr. White whips out his gun, he's stickin' it in my face, callin' me a mother****er, sayin' he's gonna blow me away, and blah blah blah blah blah.
[pointing at Mr. Blonde]
He's the reason the joint turned into a shootin' spree. [to Mr. Pink] What are you, a ****in' silent partner?! Tell him!
He went crazy in the store, but he seems all right now.
This is what he was doin': [mimics Mr. Blonde shooting people in the head] Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam.
Yeah, bam bam bam bam bam. I told 'em not to touch the ****in' alarm, they did. If they hadn't've done what I told 'em not to do, they'd still be alive.
That's your excuse for goin' on a kill-crazy rampage?
I don't like alarms, Mr. White.
Nice Guy Eddie What does it matter who stays with the cop? We ain't lettin' him go, not after he's seen everybody.
Officer Marvin Nash
I haven't been lookin' at you guys--
Nice Guy Eddie You guys should have never taken him out of the trunk in the first place.
We tried to find out what he knew about the setup--
Nice Guy Eddie [enraged]
THERE IS NO ****IN' SETUP! Now here's the news! Blondie, you stay here and take care of these two! White and Pink, you come with me! 'Cause if Joe gets here and he sees all these cars, I swear to you he's gonna be just as mad at me as he is at you!
