HOLD YOUR FIRREEEEE!!!
Lem
Justin Long · 43 quotes
Charles "Chuck" T. Baker
Dwayne Johnson · 26 quotes
Skiff
Seann William Scott · 16 quotes
General Grawl
Gary Oldman · 8 quotes
Professor Kipple
John Cleese · 8 quotes
Eckle
Freddie Benedict · 4 quotes
Neera
Jessica Biel · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Lem & Charles "Chuck" T. Baker (12), Lem & Skiff (5), Lem & Neera (4)
Planet 51 quotes
Page 1 of 6
Alien Hotline
Hello, this is the Alien Hotline.
Yes, hi. I've found the alien!
Alien Hotline
They're here, and no weapon can stop them.
Rover?
He's a probe we sent to take pictures of your world.
That's amazing! You speak my language!
Yeah, that's what I just said.
You just said, "that's what I just said". [Excited] Say something else!
Like what?
"Like what?". They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I am Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. AS-TRO-NAUT.
Lem. LEEEMMM.
Either you name's Lem, or you want to mate with me? Houston, we have a little problem.
What do you want?
Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Got any Frappuchino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks.
No, I mean... are you here to take over our world and, like, eat our brains?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on! What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea-monkeys dancing to the oldies. My mission was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids' Choice Awards. I'm getting SLIMED! [Lem stares at him] What?
You were just talking alien.
Hey! I'm not the alien here. You are.
ME? YOU are.
No, YOU are.
YOU are! You-- You came to MY planet.
Hello.
Not, "hello", "HELLOOOOOO!"
Hello-- What?
What?
Huh?
Huh?
HUH?
[Annoyed]
Let's start over. Look, there's a command module in orbit, right now. It's running out of fuel, and has to leave in... [checks his timer] 74 hours (which is 3 days), and if I'm not on it, it goes back to Earth without me, capisce? [Lem stares at him; Baker sighs] I have to get to my ship and go back up in space! Can you help me?
You want me to take you to your flying saucer? No! If they catch me helping you, who knows what they'll do to me? I'll lose everything. My life's just getting perfect!
Kid, I-- You are a kid, right? You're not like an 1,000 year old Yoda, or anything? Never mind. Look, kid, you're my only hope! [Thinking of a lie to convince Lem to help] But I suppose you could leave me stranded. My wife will have to support the kids. 11. We have eleven kids, always hungry. Yeah, yeah, but hey, they'll get by without a father. The important thing here is for you to avoid a little trouble.
I think so.
What did I tell you about these kind of movies?
It was almost over! Besides they're all the same.
That's not true.
Thought you could take over our world? your kind knows no decency.
You mean chick magnets?
No, aliens. Tell us your invasion plans! And don't bother taking over my mind. If you do, Captain Kisno has orders to shoot me. If you take over Captain Kisno's mind, Lieutenant Groit has orders to shoot him. If you take over Lieutenant Groit's mind, Sergeant York will shoot Captain Kisno, Lieutenant Groit and myself along with these three soldiers. Each man has a designated target in the squad. Should you succeed in taking over all of our minds, Corporal Hisk has orders to electrocute everyone. If this fails, the entire base is rigged to blow at the touch of a button.
Soldier #1 Uh, General, sir? Am I to shoot Hecknavar or Kolski?
Soldier #2 I shoot Kolski.
No. You shoot Meckavoy.
Soldier #2 Then who shoots Kolski?
Soldier #3
I can shoot myself.
That won't be necessary. Hecknavar, you shoot Kolski, Captain Kisno and and graze Corporal Hisk.
Soldier #4
Yes, sir!
Soldier #3
Ow!
Not yet!
Soldier #1 Drop your weapon!
Soldier #2 You.
Soldier #5
No! you first.
Soldier #6
You're mine, Hecknavar!
Soldier #7
I'm not taking my eyes off Kinso.
Captain Kinso
Drop it, dirtbag!
Hold your fire! HOLD YOUR FIRREEEEE!!! Captain Kisno, get, everyone out of here.
You're not thinking all this is my fault, right?
All right, if you won't tell us, there's another way to unlock the secrets of your brain. Professor Kipple! He's all yours.
Okay, here's the plan. You knock out that cop, then you overpower those 2, you neutralize that one and handcuff the big guy to the steering wheel.
That's your plan!? What if they start shooting?!
You're one of their own. They'll probably just aim for your legs.
My legs!?
Don't your legs grow back?
No!! We're not like your kind, okay?
Here, I'll tell you what: [Holds out a Twix Bar] Eat this. You'll become invincible.
Oh, good. Then you do it.
I can't be seen breaking the law; I've got the "right stuff."
The what?
The "right stuff". It means, I have a lot of courage.
Hey, Neera.
Hey, Lem.
I came to tell you... I've got the job.
Oh, Lem! That's great!
Yes?
Hey, Neera? Umm... Now that this is all over... would you... want to–?
[Shockingly confused]
But... you didn't hear what I was going to--
[Neera cuts him off by kissing him on the lips]
No! You're making a mistake! He's friendly!
Ohhh! This poor boy's obviously a zombie. I'll remove his brain, too.
So um... Eckle, do you think your sister's home?
Why?
I thought, maybe... I thought I might tell her I got the job.
Why?
Forget it. You tell her for me. Okay?
Okay, but every time you tell me to tell her something, she asks why don't you tell her yourself?
What?
And then my mom says because you like her, and she says that "oh, that is so cute!" Why don't you ask her out already? She's been waiting for you to ask her out ever since we moved next door to you.
She-- She has? The girl of my dreams likes me? This is the best day of my life.
Yeah, we've got to see that kid throw up.
[Gets up and goes to the door]
The only plan here is to get Chuck on TV. I'll be right back with the reporter. I'm leaving you in charge. [exits]
In charge? [He smiles; then walks to the others] You heard him! Things are going to be different around here. [To Chuck] My wish is your command! [Chuck slams the door on him]
Wow. Humaniacs III: The Final Battle for Our World.
Skiff and Eckle
Victory or extinction!
If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we've never met. [walks away]
Did you just say what I think you just said?
I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids movies, anymore.
Duh!
Ha! Just as I thought. You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie from Humaniacs II.
Skiff, I'm not a zombie.
[Pulls Eckle away from Lem]
That's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell us something the REAL Lem would know.
Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase, who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And, you give candy to your puupy so he'll poop jelly beans.
Bleggh!
It was just an experiment.
[To Chuck]
Your personal chef, reporting for duty, sir. May I give you some tasty suggestions for tonight? I've got a list of the fattest teachers in my school, in case your looking for a light snack.
Skiff, stop! He's not here to eat us or anything. He's harmless, to everyone but me.
Better let me do the talking. I think he's eyeing you for dessert.