L Lyle
[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his men are searching for Ursula. N'Dugo is holding Lyle on his back]
Ursula! God, this trail's really rough.
ND N'Dugo
[Swahili]
Drop him! You're not his donkey. [Mimics Lyle] "Ursula! Ursula!" [Swahili] Next cliff we pass, he's history.
L Lyle
[He and his men start going in another direction]
Hey, come back here.
Max
They're not abandoning us, are they?
Kwame
They are threatening.
L Lyle
If you don't mind, Kwame, I have a knack for getting the most out of my employees. Do you mind if I address the porters?
Kwame
They only speak Swahili.
L Lyle
Well, I just happen to have a Swahili phrase book.
Kwame
Be my guest.
L Lyle
[Lyle reads the book and says random Swahili phrases. The subtitles reveal what he's saying] [Swahili]
Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But, if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams, we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning. [The porters laugh. Lyle speaks English] I think our troubles are over.
Max
Tell them I'll pay 50 zamoles a man if they'll help me capture the White Ape and bring him back alive.
L Lyle
Alive? After he...uh...well, he pulled Ursula's scrunchy off. We know that much.
Max
50 zamoles a man. What do you say?
Kwame
They only speak Swahili.
ND N'Dugo
[English]
100 zamoles a man and you got a deal.
L Lyle
[Shocked]
Hey, wait a second...
Max
Done.
[The porters laugh again]
Thor
No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.
Max
You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.
Thor
You mean, back up the mountain?
Max
Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have?
Thor
Sequins?
Max
Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.
Thor
Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.
Narrator
[Cut to George in San Francisco]
Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.
Ape
I'm hungry.
Thor
Oh, shut up! You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm getting mad enough to...
Ape
You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?
Max
Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
Ape
That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
Max
Give him a banana, Thor. Won't be long now.
Thor
That's what you said yesterday. This trail's taking us to the middle of nowhere!
Max
[Ape snickers]
The sign at the trail head said "Shortcut to Ape River". Now, why would it say "shortcut" if it wasn't a... [Realizes something] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake. A decoy trail.
Ape
Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the treehouse.
Thor
Ohhh! Oh, I knew we was lost!
Max
Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just trying to trick us, lead us off the shortcut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
Thor
We're already taking twice as long!
Max
Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of you?
Thor
What?
Ape
Du-u-u-uh!
Max
Let's go. If he tells us the shortcut leads to the treehouse, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.
Thor
Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.
Ape
Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
Max
Oh, no!
Narrator
"Oh, no!" was right, for the exhausted ape-nappers--
Thor
Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like, what should we do now?
Narrator
Because I don't like you!
Thor
Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a--!
Narrator
I'll pretend I didn't hear that. [Makes a loud crashing noise; everything else fast forwards for a few seconds] Having some fun now, hmm?
Max
Thor, were you fighting with the narrator?
Thor
Well, he started it.
Narrator
Did not.
Thor
You did too!
Narrator
Did not!
Thor
You did too!
Narrator
Did not!
Thor
You did too!
Max
Thor, stop it!
Max
Let's take care of him.
George
[Max and Thor pick George up and ram him]
Huh?
Ape
WHOA!
Ape
[George's head is wedged into the cage]
Why didn't you come sooner?
George
Why Ape have little stars around head?
Ape
[Max and Thor pull George out, tickle him, and ram his head back in]
George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
George
Uh-huh.
Ape
Well, now's a good time to forget it.
Max
Let's finish him off.
Thor
[George kicks Max and Thor in the groins]
Oh, I can't breathe, Max!
Max Let it out, Thor, let it out!
Ape
[as Thor aims his rifle at Shep the elephant, Ape roars and jumps out of the treehouse to the ground]
Run, Shep! Run for your life!
Max
Did that monkey just speak?
Thor
That monkey just spoke.
US Ursula Stanhope
I knew it.
Max
[to Thor]
Shoot it now.
Ape
[turns and notices Max and Thor]
Hmm?
Max
[lowers Thor's rifle]
With the tranquilizer gun, idiot. The ape's worth a fortune.
George
NOOOOOOOO! [runs towards Ape]
LV Lyle Van de Groot
[Aims his handgun at George]
Stop, or I'll shoot! [in slow motion, Lyle inaudibly yells, "I mean it!" before he shoots George]
Ape
NOOOOOOOO!
LV Lyle Van de Groot
NOOOOOOOO!
U Ursula
GEOOOOOOOORGE! [fade to white]
Narrator
Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the hero.
