George of the Jungle (1997) · 39 quotes
Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story, they just get really big boo-boos. [Scene cuts to camp with N'Dugo, bandaged, glaring at Lyle] What did I tell you?
Narrator
And so, onward and upward, the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they finally beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, they reacted with awe.
Aww.
Narrator
I said awe. A-W-E.
Ooh!
Narrator
That's better.
Narrator
The very next morning, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close... [Lyle gets hit by random tree branches] ...that is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... [wryly] sleeping bag.
That's it! I've had it! I am the richest, smartest, handsomest guy here, so I get to go first! [suddenly trips and falls face first into elephant feces] There's an elephant around here.
Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?
Ready!
Those were nowhere near properly digested! In case anybody's wondering, I'm okay. [Max and Thor laugh along with the porters] Have you cleaned my lighter yet?
One moment, you blonde-haired baboon.
[the porters laugh again]
Narrator
Meanwhile, Kwame and his men faced the next-to-impossible task of picking out George's assailant from a line-up of the usual suspects.
No. No. Too short. Too sweaty. [Sees Lyle, but doesn't recognize him at first] Wait a second. That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.
Me?
[N'Dugo and the two men, recognizing Lyle, laugh loudly]
Thor
No, Max. Forget about it. I do not want to listen to anymore of your ideas.
Max
You'll like this one. We're gonna steal Georgie-Boy's talking ape.
Thor
You mean, back up the mountain?
Max
Thor, that ape is our ticket out of poaching and into show business. Think about it. We got a talking ape. What do Sigfried and Roy have?
Thor
Sequins?
Max
Exactly. Get ready for room service, mate, and girls. We're getting our ape and going to Vegas. By next weekend, we'll be headlining at the Tropicana. Nobody is gonna stop us.
Thor
Right. George of the Jungle must be halfway to Frisco by now.
Narrator
Ah, but the plotting poachers were only half-correct, for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.
Narrator
Emboldened with jungle juju, Ursula Stanhope went inside to break the news to her parents, who took it extremely well.
Mother, Daddy, I love you both very much. I have something very important to tell you, and I hope you'll understand. I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
We understand, dear.
Narrator
Just kidding.
Narrator
The young Miss Stanhope proceeded to spill the beans... [Ursula's conversation is sped up] ...very quickly, until she got to the important part at the end. [scene replays normally]
And then, Lyle shot him. So Lyle is in jail, and George is with me, and I don't wanna marry Lyle anymore.
I knew it! It's that swinging man from the bridge. I saw you smooching on TV.
Mother, we weren't smooching...
How could you do this to me? Don't you realize the cailbre of people who are going to be here?
Calm down, Beatrice, and let her say...
I thought we would be introducing them to Lyle Van de Groot, not some wild man you found in the jungle!
Beatrice, this is supposed to be her wedding, not yours.
So?
Beatrice, I know you're upset, and so am I, but we can't force her to marry someone against her will.
Why not?
Mom, Dad, I'm ready to go out there and apologize to everybody and tell them what really happened.
Absolutely not! As far as I'm concerned, you, you caught one of those viruses. Yes, one of those dreadful jungle viruses that get nice girls all confused. And if Lyle survives that awful jail, you will simply have to kiss and make up. As for this evening, we will hold our heads high and we will carry on. [Sweetly] Now, darling, where is that charming young friend of yours?
Well, of course he went back to the jungle. Where else would he go? The Hague?
But why would he leave without saying goodbye?
Well, personally, I think he acted rather sensibly. Showed good character. He understands that he belongs there, you belong here. It's really all a question of stripes and spots.
What? [Realizes] Oh, no. You got to him. Mother, what did you say?
I simply said that if he really cared for you, he'd leave you alone, let you get on with your life and marry Lyle.
I am not marrying Lyle, Mother!
Beatrice, perhaps we should just...
Arthur! Now, Ursula, darling, don't be ridiculous. There's a big difference between marriageable material and a fling in the jungle.
"A fling in the jungle"? A fling in the jungle? Who says I had a fling in the jungle?
You don't think you can fool your mother, do you? You've been head over heels for that ape ever since you brought him here. Now, Ursula, that kind of love is fleeting. You'll get over it.
Did you just say love?
No.
You did.
Ursula!
You're right.
Don't say it!
I love him. I'm outta here.
Ursula, you can't love him! Arthur, say something!
Be careful out there, honey.
What?!
Goodbye, Daddy. [Hugs him]
I love you.
What?!
I love you, Mom. Thank you. [Leaves]
Ursula! Arthur, do something!
What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.
Oh, God! [Drinks a sip of her drink and leaves] URSULA!!
God, that woman's a pain in the ass.
Narrator
Meanwhile, halfway across the road, another ass was feeling pain, as an ape named Ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome... [The sound of George yelling is heard] Hey, I'm pretty good at that. ...and wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle, was closer than he knew.
Thor
Max, look. We're back at the treehouse.
Ape
Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
Max
Oh, no!
Narrator
"Oh, no!" was right, for the exhausted ape-nappers--
Thor
Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like, what should we do now?
Narrator
Because I don't like you!
Thor
Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a--!
Narrator
I'll pretend I didn't hear that. [Makes a loud crashing noise; everything else fast forwards for a few seconds] Having some fun now, hmm?
Max
Thor, were you fighting with the narrator?
Thor
Well, he started it.
Narrator
Did not.
Thor
You did too!
Narrator
Did not!
Thor
You did too!
Narrator
Did not!
Thor
You did too!
Max
Thor, stop it!
Ape
Run, Shep! Run for your life!
Max
Did that monkey just speak?
Thor
That monkey just spoke.
I knew it.
He talked.
Max
Shoot it now.
Ape
Hmm?
Max
With the tranquilizer gun, idiot. The ape's worth a fortune.
George
NOOOOOOOO! [runs towards Ape]
Stop, or I'll shoot! [in slow motion, Lyle inaudibly yells, "I mean it!" before he shoots George]
Ape
NOOOOOOOO!
NOOOOOOOO!
GEOOOOOOOORGE! [fade to white]
Narrator
Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the hero.
Narrator
Well, Ursula's fiancé is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.
Hi.
Hi.
I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?
Oh, he's in the waterf-- He's in the shower.
Not anymore.
Oh! George. [sees him naked]
George
Bad waterfall. First, water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock. [holds up a bar of soap] Oh. Hi. George of Jungle.
Charmed, I'm sure.
George, hold this big book. [he holds book covering his front part] Cover the booty. [puts bowl on his rear] Get into some decent clothes. Sorry, Betsy.
George
Bye.
No problem. [to herself] Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.
