Evil
Oh, Benson! I feel the power of evil coursing through my veins, filling every corner of my being with the desire to do wrong! I feel so bad, Benson!
Benson
Good! Good!
Evil
Yes, it is good, for this is the worst kind of badness that I'm feeling!
Evil
Oh, Benson... Dear Benson, you are so mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence.
Benson
Oh, you say such nice things, Master.
Evil
Yes I know, I'm sorry!
Evil
Suddenly, I feel very, very good.
Robert
Oh, I'm sorry, Master.
Evil
No, it'll pass, it'll pass.
Benson
Shall I bring them in, Master?
Evil
Yes, Benson. Bring them into the Time of Legends!
Evil
What sort of Supreme Being created such riffraff? Is this not the workings of a complete incompetent?
But He created you, Evil One!
Evil
What did you say?
Well He created you, so He can't be totally— [Evil blows him to bits]
Evil
Never talk to me like that again! No one created me! I am Evil. Evil existed long before good. I made myself. I cannot be unmade. I am all powerful! [Minions applaud]
But why, if that's the case, are you unable to escape from this fortress? [Evil obliterates him]
Evil
It's a good question. Why have I let the Supreme Being keep me here in the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness?
Robert
Because you—
Evil
Shut up. I'm speaking rhetorically.
Robert
Oh, of course.
Evil
I let Him keep me here in order to lull Him into a false sense of security.
Evil
When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.
Uh, understanding of what, Master?
Evil
Digital watches. And soon I shall have understanding of video cassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how He spends His time! Forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!
Robert
Slugs.
Evil
Slugs! He created slugs. They can't hear! They can't speak! They can't operate machinery! I mean, are we not in the hands of a lunatic?... If I were creating a world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would have started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one! [accidentally zaps a minion, who screams] Sorry.
Kevin
The money wasn't important to him.
Randall
He didn't have anything to spend it on, did he? Stuck out in Greece. Lowest standard of living in Europe.
Kevin
I'll never get the chance to meet Robin Hood again.
Randall
Oh, stop moaning. He's obviously a dangerous man, unbalanced if you ask me. Giving away what isn't even his!
Kevin
That's what Robin Hood always did. Even I know that.
Randall
Of course, you know it all.
Kevin
He was one of my heroes.
Randall
Heroes! Heroes! What do they know about a day's work?
Kevin
Is it always like this after you've done a raid?
I don't know. We've never done one before.
Kevin
But I thought you were international criminals.
Randall
Going to be. Going to be.
Randall
Look, do you want to be leader of this gang?
No, we agreed: No leader!
Randall
Right. So shut up and do as I say.
Robin Hood
And how long have you been a robber?
Four foot one.
Robin Hood
Good lord! Jolly good. Four foot one? Well that-that-that is-is- a long time, isn't it?
Robin Hood
Oh yes, and believe you me, the poor are going to be, well not just absolutely thrilled, but also considerably less poor. Aren't they Redgrave?
Robin Hood
You see- what did he say?
He says yeah, what with Christmas coming up and all.
Robin Hood
The poor are going to be absolutely thrilled. Have you met them at all?
Randall
Who?
Robin Hood
The poor.
Randall
The poor?
Robin Hood
Oh, you must meet them. I'm sure you'll like them. Of course they haven't got two pennies to rub together but that's because they're poor!
I should do something very extroverted and vengeful to you. Honestly, I'm too tired. So, I think I'll transfer you to the undergrowth department, brackens, small shrubs, that sort of thing... with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.
Randall
Oh, thank you, sir.
Yes, well, I am the nice one.
Vermin, that is not meant to be eaten.
You never know 'till you've eaten it!
:
Rat, anybody? Might be the last meal you get.
[Vermin takes another bite before offering the half-eaten rat to Randall who refuses it instantly] :
Oi, leave off!