Shrek (While Artie begs to Merlin to take them back)
"Have a heart, old man"
Voiced by Mike Myers 
Shrek the Third (2007) · 55 quotes
Shrek the Third (2007) · 55 quotes
Most-quoted character in Shrek the Third (2007): in 29 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Donkey (10), Puss in Boots (8), Artie (6)
"Listen Artie, eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get all up in your grill, raise your roof or whatever."
More lines from Shrek
10 quotes Shrek Shrek I see...a rainbow pony
Shrek That's it! We're leaving!
Shrek Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be.
Shrek Well, somebody better be dying.
Shrek Better out than in, I always say. [chuckles]
Shrek Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are!
Shrek We're here for the mascot contest, too.
Shrek [to Mr. Merlin]
Quiet!
Shrek Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?
Scenes with Shrek
18 scenes
Puss in Boots (Donkey)
Oh, man. I haven't been on a trip like that since college.
Shrek Donkey?
Puss in Boots (Donkey)
What? I got something in my teeth? Huh!? What the... Oh n-no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a fancy-feasting, second-rate sidekick!
Donkey (Puss in Boots)
Oh, at least you don't look like some kind of a bloated roadside piñata! You should really go on a diet!
This was supposed to be MY happily ever after!!!
Shrek Well, I guess you better keep looking (looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming)...'cause I'm not giving up mine!
For what it's worth, you would've made a great king.
Shrek (rubs Fiona's tummy)
I had something else in mind.
Students and Teacher
(chanting)
Eat him eat him...
Shrek I'm not here to eat him!
Students and Teacher
Aww...
Shrek It's time for toothbrush and jammies. You're the new king of far far away.
What?
[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shining down. This beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes, revealing Prince Charming riding his valiant steed, Chauncey, across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's just-washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, majestic, glorious, flowing, marvellous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck-length blond hair around his face.]
Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stagehand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stagehand turns a crank that creates the background music. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stagehands backstage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.]
This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!
Me, too. [his nose grows]
[rides to the base of the tower]
Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]
Actress [as the princess, leaning from the tower window]
Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.
[puffing his chest out]
Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. [An old couple at a table look confused]
Old Lady [to the old man]
What did she say? [Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince costume comes onstage. The whole crowd erupts into applause.]
Yeah! It's Shrek!
Whoo, Shrek, yeah!
[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince]
Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
Waiter [singing while carrying a birthday cake]
Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee
Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]
Do you mind?! Boring! [The audience laughs]
[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple]
Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princess's window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.
Heckler [off-screen]
We already are! [They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]
Ogre Mascot Grr! [The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His makeshift dressing room is in an alleyway across the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away is seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't Stop Believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]
[heavy sobs]
Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother: I will restore dignity to my throne! [A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [Crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises, and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]
Shrek Good morning.
Good morning. [dreaming] Morning breath.
Shrek [Shrek breathes in and smiles] [dreaming]
I know. Isn't it wonderful?
[The bedroom doors fly open, and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.] [singing]
Good morning, good morning! [Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused] The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning [coming closer and closer to Shrek] To you! [to Fiona] And you! [to the Dronkeys] And you! [the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] They grow up so fast.
Shrek [greatly annoyed]
Not fast enough. [lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]
[leaps onto the bed]
Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.
Shrek [very sarcastically]
Great! Let's get started. [immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]
Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] AAH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
Shrek [Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stained glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "Royal Pain" by the Eels plays in the background as the beginning titles are superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous.] [holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his rapier.]
I knight thee. [accidentally stabs the knight in the head.] Heh, heh. Ooh.
[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat, and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them.]
Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!
Raul [stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow]
Ahem. I will see what I can do.
[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chainsaw. He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.]
Ow!
[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoehorn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. A collar is placed around Fiona's neck, and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]
Oh!
Raul [to Shrek]
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
Prince Shrek I'm Shrek, you twit.
Raul Whatever.
Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!
Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
Prince Shrek [Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona.
I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] Shrek?
Prince Shrek Yeah.
You look handsome.
Prince Shrek Ah. Come here, you. [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips, and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air.] Oh, my butt is itching up a storm, and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. [tries to scratch his butt but to no avail] Oh. [whistles] Hey, you! Come here. [a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] What's your name?
Fiddlesworth Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
Prince Shrek Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect.
Announcer [The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]
Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek and Princess Fiona
Prince Shrek [The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's behind.]
Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.
Uh, Shrek?
Prince Shrek [Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]
Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.
Shrek...
Shrek Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!
Shrek! [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]
[stumbling through the crowd, screamed]
Ow! My eye! My eye! [grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]
Woman What are you doing?! [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona manoeuvres to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase, which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]
Shrek Fiona! [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air, where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him]
Fiddlesworth Uhhh... [whimpers]
Shrek [has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor]
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. [her eyes widen]
Fiddlesworth [his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers]
Ahhhh!!! [The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]
Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.]
Harold
[The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to King Harold's bedroom. King Harold is lying down on his lily pad, coughing]
I'm dying. [Inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid, and he settles down.]
Lillian
Harold.
Harold
Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. [Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.]
Lillian
Of course darling. [The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.]
Harold
Fiona…
Yes, Daddy?
Harold
I know I've made many mistakes with you.
It's okay.
Harold
But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. [Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.] My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son.
Shrek [smiles]
And I'm proud to call you my Frog… King Dad-in-law.
Harold
Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.[wheezes and coughing, passes out]
The frog king...is dead. [Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.]
Harold
Shrek, please come hither. [Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.]
Shrek Yeah, Dad?
Harold
This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.
Shrek Oh! [laughing] Next in line. Now you see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. [laughs with a point] [The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.] Oh, come on, Dad… an ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's got to be somebody else. Anybody!
Harold
Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.
Shrek Really? Who is he, Dad?
Harold
His name is... is...
Shrek What's his name? What's his name?!
Harold
...is- [wheezing]
Daddy! [A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. Harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]
Harold
[after swallowing a fly and one last time]
His name is Arthur.
Shrek Arthur?
Harold
[coughing; last words before his death]
I know... you'll do what's right. [He's sick for real]
Lillian
[emotionally]
Harold?
Shrek Dad? Dad! [King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop] Dad?
[to Puss; emotionally]
Do your thing, man. [Puss takes his hat off]
[Fiona starts to break down, weeping as she places her fist on Shrek's shoulder. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss, and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. At the funeral, the kingdom mourns the loss of Harold. Prince Charming, watching from the hills, rides off to the Poison Apple.]
Shrek Yeah?!
Wait!
Shrek What is it?!
Shrek [laughs]
I love you too, honey!
No! No, I said I'm- [gets cut off by the foghorn again]
Shrek [grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard]
You're what?!
I said I'm pregnant!
Shrek [The fairytale creatures cheer.] [can't believe his ears]
Oh... what was that?!
You're going to be a father!
Shrek [laughs nervously]
That's great.
Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!?
Shrek [smiles back at Fiona]
Yeah... [laughs nervously] Me, too. You...
[Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.] [pops up onto the railing]
I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!
And you, my friend, are royally- [the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]
Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy!
Shrek It's "Worcestershire".
Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy!
Shrek [Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.]
Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
[Off-screen, we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as a furious Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen, we hear some students laughing.] [angrily]
Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are OVER!
Hall Monitor [An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them.]
Uh, hold it.
Student 1
[Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.]
We're here for the mascot contest.
Student 2
Grr!
Shrek [The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.] [pleased with himself]
We're here for the mascot contest, too.
Hall Monitor [suspicious]
This is a costume? [reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]
Shrek [trying to hide the pain]
Ay! Worked on it all night long. [struggling not to scream in agony]
Hall Monitor [lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious]
Looks pretty real to me.
If he were real, could I do this? [uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt]
Or this? [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]
Shrek [winces, sweats, and is unbelievably strained]
If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.
Now watch this!
Shrek [interrupting; through gritted teeth]
That's quite enough, boys.
[The ship cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.]
I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.
Shrek Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally.
Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.
Shrek It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.
Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.
Shrek [chuckles sheepishly]
Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks.
Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses.
It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They've got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.
They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.
Poisoned?
Shrek [senses trouble and immediately steps in]
Or too salty. [tries to shut Puss and Donkey up]
Bodyguards?
All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.
Really?
Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.
[Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "Shut up!" to Puss and Donkey.]
Just make sure they don't die of famine.
Or plague.
Oh, plague is bad.
The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.
Shrek [interrupts with a mock laugh]
Oh. Festering sores. [sternly to Puss] Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.
What did I say?
Shrek We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. [motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.] Uh, Artie?
Captain [The boat suddenly pitches to the left. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken captain slides by.]
Oh, there goes my hip.
Shrek Artie! What are you doing? [turns the wheel the other way]
[The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffleboard stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it angrily.]
What does it look like?!
Shrek [He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches again. Artie swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises and grabs the wheel and turns it.]
This really isn't up to you.
[falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way]
But I don't know anything about being king!
Shrek You'll learn on the job!
[Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. Shrek and Artie continue fighting over the wheel.]
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.
Shrek Back to what? Being a loser?! [As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.] Now look what you did!
Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?
[climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead]
SHREK!!
Captain [Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. But it was too late. The ship crashes into the rocks, sending everyone and everything off.]
LAND HO!
Shrek [to Artie shortly after they crash the ship]
Oh, nice going, Your Highness.
Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh?
Shrek Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father!
Shrek [to Artie]
I said king! You're gonna be king!
[imitates Shrek]
"You're gonna be king!" [reverts back to his normal voice] Yeah, right. [walks away]
Shrek Where do you think you're going?!
Far Far Away... from you!
Shrek You get back here, young man, and I mean it!
[But Artie didn't turn around and continues walking away.]
Shrek [?]
Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul.
[After Shrek saves Donkey, Puss and Artie from the cannon, which it destroys Captain Hook's piano and Charming's henchmen starts running away.]
YA COWARDS!
Shrek [barges to Hook]
What has Charming done with Fiona?!
She's gonna get what's coming to her. [raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away] And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!
[After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away] [in Puss' body, groans]
Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college.
Shrek [Shrek and Artie are surprised]
Donkey?
[in Puss' body, confused]
What? Is there something in my teeth? [gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body] What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second-rate sidekick!
[in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans]
At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside piñata! You should think about going on a diet!
[in Puss' body]
Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! [covers himself as if being naked] I feel all exposed and nasty! [Shrek and Artie laugh] Oh, so you two think this is funny?!
Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!
Shrek Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.
He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.
Shrek I'm gonna lose it! [continues trying to keep his cool]
I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?
Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!!!!
Shrek I just lost it.
Guard [Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]
Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.
Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!
Shrek [confronts Charming in the dressing room]
Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.
Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. [presses a button]
Shrek [grabs him]
Where's Fiona?
Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. [grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down.] Let me guess. Arthur.
This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? [laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat] How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess.
Shrek Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him.
Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right?
Shrek You weren't really next in line for the throne; I was!
Shrek Not exactly.
What's that supposed to mean?
Shrek Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job; I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go!
Shrek You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.
[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]
You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you...
What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? [Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out of the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty] You really do have a way with children, Shrek.
[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]
Shrek [surprised]
Artie?
[jumping and leaping onto the stage]
Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? [all the villains raise their hands] You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?
But we are villains. It's the only thing we know.
Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?
Evil Tree Steve
Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.
You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them!
Evil Tree Ed
[covering Charming's mouth]
What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you.
Evil Tree Steve
Right. Thanks, Ed.
Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. [Shrek smiles] The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you.
Rumpelstiltskin
Me?
Guard Get him, lads!
No, no, no, no! W-what I mean is, each of you is standing in your own way.
Villains
[realizing]
Ah/Oh.
Headless Horseman [sniffled]
I've always wanted to play the flute.
Evil Queen
I'd like to open up a spa… in France!
I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. [smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]
[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the axe from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high-fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming frees himself from the Evil Tree and charges at them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it, aiming for Artie. Despite his fear, Artie stands his ground bravely. Just as Charming charges, Shrek steps in front of Artie and gets impaled by the sword, collapsing to the floor and groaning in pain.]
[beliving he killed Shrek; laughs evilly, and turn to the audience]
A new era finally begins! [the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie] Now, all of you, bow before your king!
Shrek [rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock]
You need to work on your aim. [takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]
Shrek Well, I guess you need to keep looking... [looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming] 'cause I'm not giving up mine. [throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]
[Dragon pushes the tower with her tail] [looking up; also last words before his death]
Mommy?
[The tower crushes Charming, killing him.]
Shrek [looking at Artie talking with princesses]
See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king.
For what it's worth, you would have, too.
Shrek [rubs Fiona's stomach]
I have something much more important in mind.
[They kiss lovingly.]
Other characters in Shrek the Third
Donkey
Eddie Murphy
Puss in Boots
Antonio Banderas
Prince Charming
Rupert Everett
Fiona
Cameron Diaz
Artie
Justin Timberlake
Captain Hook
Ian McShane
Pinocchio
Cody Cameron
Cinderella
Amy Sedaris
Rapunzel
Maya Rudolph
Snow White
Amy Poehler
Doris
Larry King
Gingy
King Harold and Queen Lillian and others
Sleeping Beauty
Cheri Oteri
Arthur
More Mike Myers characters
Shrek
Austin Powers
Shrek
Wayne Campbell
Austin Powers
Charlie Mackenzie
Austin Powers
The Cat in the Hat