Oh, man. I haven't been on a trip like that since college.
Donkey?
What? I got something in my teeth? Huh!? What the... Oh n-no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a fancy-feasting, second-rate sidekick!
Oh, at least you don't look like some kind of a bloated roadside piñata! You should really go on a diet!
We got boat crash and the magic mix.
You poor sweet things.
I don't get it.
The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet...What's there to get?
Who that?
[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shining down. This beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes, revealing Prince Charming riding his valiant steed, Chauncey, across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's just-washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner, majestic, glorious, flowing, marvellous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck-length blond hair around his face.]
Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! [Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stagehand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stagehand turns a crank that creates the background music. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stagehands backstage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience.]
This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!
Me, too. [his nose grows]
Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]
Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.
Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. [An old couple at a table look confused]
What did she say? [Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince costume comes onstage. The whole crowd erupts into applause.]
Yeah! It's Shrek!
Whoo, Shrek, yeah!
Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!
Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee
Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]
Do you mind?! Boring! [The audience laughs]
Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princess's window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.
We already are! [They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]
Grr! [The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His makeshift dressing room is in an alleyway across the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away is seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't Stop Believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]
Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother: I will restore dignity to my throne! [A big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [Crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises, and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]
Good morning.
Good morning. [dreaming] Morning breath.
Good morning, good morning! [Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused] The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning [coming closer and closer to Shrek] To you! [to Fiona] And you! [to the Dronkeys] And you! [the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in] They grow up so fast.
Puss in Boots Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir.
Great! Let's get started. [immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]
Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! [yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs] AAH!!! You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!
I knight thee. [accidentally stabs the knight in the head.] Heh, heh. Ooh.
[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat, and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them.]
Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?!
Ahem. I will see what I can do.
[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chainsaw. He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked.]
Ow!
[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rip it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoehorn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. A collar is placed around Fiona's neck, and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]
Oh!
Puss Yeah, wow.
Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona.
I'm Shrek, you twit.
Whatever.
Puss Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!
Smiles, everyone! Smiles!
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Fiona.
I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. [Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh] Shrek?
Yeah.
You look handsome.
Ah. Come here, you. [she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips, and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air.] Oh, my butt is itching up a storm, and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. [tries to scratch his butt but to no avail] Oh. [whistles] Hey, you! Come here. [a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him] What's your name?
Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir.
Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect.
Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek and Princess Fiona
Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great.
Uh, Shrek?
Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good.
Shrek...
Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great!
Shrek! [Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]
Ow! My eye! My eye! [grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]
What are you doing?! [pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocking over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona manoeuvres to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase, which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]
Fiona! [trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air, where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapping him]
Uhhh... [whimpers]
Yeah. I'm fine. [her eyes widen]
Ahhhh!!! [The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]
Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! [blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide.]
I'm dying. [Inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid, and he settles down.]
Harold.
Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. [Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.]
Of course darling. [The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.]
Fiona…
Yes, Daddy?
I know I've made many mistakes with you.
It's okay.
But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. [Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.] My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son.
Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.[wheezes and coughing, passes out]
Puss The frog king...is dead. [Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.]
Shrek, please come hither. [Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.]
Yeah, Dad?
This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.
Oh! [laughing] Next in line. Now you see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. [laughs with a point] [The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.] Oh, come on, Dad… an ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's got to be somebody else. Anybody!
Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.
Really? Who is he, Dad?
His name is... is...
What's his name? What's his name?!
...is- [wheezing]
Daddy! [A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. Harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]
His name is Arthur.
Arthur?
I know... you'll do what's right. [He's sick for real]
Harold?
Dad? Dad! [King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop] Dad?
Do your thing, man. [Puss takes his hat off]
[Fiona starts to break down, weeping as she places her fist on Shrek's shoulder. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss, and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in. At the funeral, the kingdom mourns the loss of Harold. Prince Charming, watching from the hills, rides off to the Poison Apple.]
Puss in Boots It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. [another female cats talking] As are you... [to another female cat] And you... [more cats get angry at each other] And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. [the cats yowl and screech] I gotta go. [then leaves on the journey]
Yeah?!
Wait!
What is it?!
No! No, I said I'm- [gets cut off by the foghorn again]
I said I'm pregnant!
You're going to be a father!
Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!?
I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!!
Puss in Boots And you, my friend, are royally- [the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]
Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are OVER!
Uh, hold it.
We're here for the mascot contest.
Grr!
We're here for the mascot contest, too.
This is a costume? [reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]
Ay! Worked on it all night long. [struggling not to scream in agony]
Looks pretty real to me.
Puss in Boots If he were real, could I do this? [uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt]
Or this? [kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]
If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.
Now watch this!
I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me.
Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally.
Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games.
It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.
Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.
Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses.
It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They've got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order.
Puss And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters.
Puss They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned.
Poisoned?
Bodyguards?
Puss All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you.
Really?
Puss Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance.
Just make sure they don't die of famine.
Puss Or plague.
Oh, plague is bad.
Puss The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.
Oh. Festering sores. [sternly to Puss] Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.
Puss What did I say?
We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. [motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.] Uh, Artie?
Oh, there goes my hip.
Artie! What are you doing? [turns the wheel the other way]
What does it look like?!
This really isn't up to you.
But I don't know anything about being king!
You'll learn on the job!
Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back.
Back to what? Being a loser?! [As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.] Now look what you did!
Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?
SHREK!!
LAND HO!
Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college.
What? Is there something in my teeth? [gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body] What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second-rate sidekick!
Puss At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside piñata! You should think about going on a diet!
Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! [covers himself as if being naked] I feel all exposed and nasty! [Shrek and Artie laugh] Oh, so you two think this is funny?!
Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!
Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs.
He's a star, people! Hello?! I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek.
I'm gonna lose it! [continues trying to keep his cool]
I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?
Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. [aggravated] Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño HONEY BUTTER!!!!
I just lost it.
Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.
Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!
Puss Are you, uh...?
Puss And I'm not you!
Oops. [realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away] Ah, never mind.
Shrek
Mike Myers
Donkey
Eddie Murphy
Prince Charming
Rupert Everett
Fiona
Cameron Diaz
Artie
Justin Timberlake
Captain Hook
Ian McShane
Pinocchio
Cody Cameron
Cinderella
Amy Sedaris
Rapunzel
Maya Rudolph
Snow White
Doris
Larry King
Gingy
King Harold and Queen Lillian and others
Sleeping Beauty
Cheri Oteri
Arthur
