Mike Myers movie quotes

View Quote I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me the beauty of monogamy, was a fembot... all along. Wait a tick. That means I'm single again! Oh, behave! (laughs and claps with the fembot hand, then throws it away) YEAH!

View Quote The 70s and the 80s? You're not missing anything! I looked into it. There's a gas shortage and a flock of seagulls. That's about it!

View Quote Crikey! I've lost my mojo!

View Quote I want my baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back baby back ribs... Chili-i-i-i-i's Baby back ribs.

View Quote Mr. English Colonel, telling me to lose weight... Oh I'm a hard case he says, well listen up Sonny Jim, I ate a baby! Oh aye, baby! The other other white meat. Baby, it's what's for dinner!

View Quote First things first. Where's your shitter?! I've got a turtle head poking out!

View Quote (to Donkey) I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!

View Quote I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A LITTLE PRIVACY?!!

View Quote (seeing Lord Farquaad's enormous castle) Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

View Quote [Austin tries to resist to Fembots] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

View Quote How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father!

View Quote My God, Vanessa's got a fantastic body... and I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? [beat] I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

View Quote A cute, button nose... thick wavey locks... taut, round buttocks?!

View Quote [after robbing two men of their clothes] Thank you, gentlemen! Someday, I will repay you. Unless, of course, I can't find you or if I forget.

View Quote All right, let's crash this party!

View Quote I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be. advising Garth about his fear of vomiting if he talks to his dream girl

View Quote (To scary ex-girlfriend after she gives him a gun rack as an "anniversary" gift) A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

View Quote (admiring a 64' Pre-CBS Fender Stratocaster in a music store) It will be mine. Oh, yes — It will be mine.

View Quote "Listen Artie, eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get all up in your grill, raise your roof or whatever."

View Quote I see...a rainbow pony

View Quote (While Artie begs to Merlin to take them back) "Have a heart, old man"

View Quote [is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!

View Quote Harriet! Harry-it, hard-hearted harbinger of haggis... Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? He wants you back, he screams into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely! It's really hard! This poem... sucks.

View Quote Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to belief, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they make me horny, on Saturday morny... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.

View Quote [about The Fish] Come on, kids! Are you going to listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

View Quote Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.
Sally: The fish is talking.
Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

View Quote Cat: [looking at a photo] Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
Cat: Awkward.

View Quote [at the top of his lungs] ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!

View Quote This is the part where you run away!

View Quote Happy birthday, Farkle! Fergus, my little man! And Felicia, sweetheart, I believe this is yours.

View Quote [Looking down at the toilet] What the--? I did not have any corn!

View Quote Aw, Jesus Christ! This diapers making my nuts rub together! It's gonna start a fire!

View Quote [Commenting on his loose skin after going on the "Subway diet"] And my neck does kinda look like a vagina.

View Quote I know all seven animal styles: The crane, the stag, the horse, the tiger, the bat, the rat, the monkey, the Beatle [imitates Ringo Starr]. I will take you.

View Quote Speaking to a clerk with a noticeable lack of pigment in one of his eyes Wayne: Well, we'll go through these forms with a fine toothed comb, cross the "t"s and dot the (workers look at him)... lower case "j"s.
Wayne: Well, uh, ix-nay on the condescension-ay there, Chet.

View Quote Wayne: Oh, I almost forgot! This year Garth finally got pubes.
Garth: You didn't tell them about my pubes did you?
Wayne: No, of course not.

View Quote Ray Foster: Mark these words. If they're not careful, by the end of the year, no one will know the name "Queen".

View Quote Ray Foster: [after listening to Bohemian Rhapsody; groans] Christ. [Freddie stops music reel] Well, I'm not entirely sure that's the album you promised us.
Freddie Mercury: No, it's better than the album we promised you. It's better than any album anyone's ever promised you, darling. It is a bloody masterpiece.
Ray Foster: [under his breath] Christ.
John Reid: It is a good album, Ray.
Roger Taylor: We prefer "masterpiece."
Ray Foster: It's expensive, and as for... Bohemian...
Brian May: [clears throat] Rhapsody.
Ray Foster: ...Rhapsody. What is that?
Freddie Mercury: It's an epic poem.
Ray Foster: It goes on forever; 6 bloody minutes.
Freddie Mercury: I pity your wife if you think 6 minutes is forever. [Paul scoffs] And you know what? We're going to release it as our single.
Ray Foster: [chortles] Not possible. Anything over three minutes, and the radio stations won't program it, period. And what on Earth is it about, anyway? "Scaramouche"? "Galileo"? And all that "Ismillah" business? "Ishmillah"?
Freddie Mercury: [pause] Bismillah.
Ray Foster: Oh, aye. Bismillah. What's it about anyway? Bloody Bismillah?
Freddie Mercury: True poetry is for the listener.
Brian May: It ruins the mystery if everything's explained.
Ray Foster: Seldom ruins sales. 3 minutes is the standard. John.
John Reid: Yeah, we need radio. Format is three minutes. I have to agree with Ray. I actually think the single's Love of my Life.
Brian May: No.
John Reid: Okay, how about John's song, You're My Best Friend? You know, "Ooh, you make me live." Catchy, stronger.
Ray Foster: What about I'm in Love with My Car?
Brian May: You're joking!
Roger Taylor: Huh.
Brian May: Oh, Jesus.
Ray Foster: I love it. [Freddie kicks Ray's desk] Well, that's the kind of songs teenagers can crank up the volume in their car and bang their heads to. Bohemian Rhapsody will never be that song.
Brian May: It's the band decision. Bohemian Rhapsody. That's it.
Ray Foster: You're My Best Friend. And it's my money.
Roger Taylor: Bo-Rhap. Period.
Freddie Mercury: [removes music reel] Or we walk.
Paul Prenter: [pauses] MacArthur Park was 7 minutes long. It was a hit.
Ray Foster: Look, I'm not arguing with Bohemian whatever's...
Freddie Mercury: Rhapsody.
Ray Foster: ...musicianship, but there's no way in Hell, the station will play a six minute quasi-operatic dirge, comprised of nonsense words! "Bismillah"? Bullshit! I paid for this record, so I say what goes!
Roger Taylor: Have we no legal recourse on this?
Jim "Miami" Beach: Ray, you did Dark Side of the Moon, haven't you?
Ray Foster: [nods] I did.
Jim "Miami" Beach: Yeah, I absolutely love that record. [to Roger Taylor; answering his question] Uh, legally, no. No, he's got your balls in a vice. It's a different matter in a court of public opinion, of course. Ray Foster's a giant name in the music industry, but... to the average person. [shrugs] Say the name "Queen", on the other hand...ears prick up.
[long moment of silence]
Ray Foster: [refusing to back down] We're going with You're My Best Friend. Done.
Freddie Mercury: No, we know what we have, even if you don't. It's called Bohemian... [he puts his cigarette out on Ray's papers] ...Rhapsody. [leaves with the band] You will forever be known as the man who lost Queen.
[after they leave, Jim takes one final glance at Ray while waving goodbye, before joining the others. The door closes, leaving Ray, John, and Paul]
John Reid: Temperamental artists, eh? They're well aware they're tied to a contract, but who knows what goes on inside the inscrutable mind of the recording artist?
Ray Foster: Mark these words. If they're not careful, by the end of the year, no one will know the name "Queen". [brick is thrown through window] Christ!
[Paul opens window, and, along with Ray Foster, sees Queen outside.]
Freddie Mercury: [shouting] You can take that out of our royalties, twat!
Ray Foster: Wanker!
Brian May: You can shove your gold discs! You made a mistake, Foster!
Freddie Mercury: Arsehole!
Ray Foster: [shouting] You'll never have a gold disc, you medium talent! [to Paul] And to think, I work with Hendrix.

View Quote John Reid: This is the bands's lawyer Jim Beach.
Freddie Mercury: We MUST stop calling him that.
John Reid: That's his name.
Freddie Mercury: We cannot keep calling him Jim Beach. No, that's absurd. Not to mention unspeakably boring. Miami. From now on I dub thee Miami Beach.
Jim "Miami" Beach: The sun always sets behind you, doesn't it? On Miami Beach?
Ray Foster: Right, now that everybody's got an acceptable name let's get to it.