Most scenes together: Charlie Mackenzie & Harriet Michaels (8), Charlie Mackenzie & Tony Giardino (7), Stuart Mackenzie & Charlie Mackenzie (3)
Hi, can we get our check please? Thanks.
No i got it.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Let me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Charlie, please.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me pick this up, please.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I insist.
No, no, no, no, no, no. No to infinity. Negatory. Negatory, good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry!
I'll pick up the check.
Okay.
How many people have you brutally murdered?
Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.
I don't want to lose you.
You didn't. You rejected me.
Okay, I'm un-rejecting you.
I think I'm dating Mrs. X
Charlie. Two words: Therapy.
Marry me.
No..
...Please?
So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?
What do ya mean?
I mean you look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.
What are ya talking about, I look hip!
No no no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.
I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.
Here's another one here, Native San Franciscan, plumber, Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, dissappeared four months ago. Body was found in a sewer.
Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. Haha.
Did they mention anything about his wife?
Alright, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people so I'm sorry.
No, no. I'm serious, did they mention the wife?
No, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.
No, no. I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.
Hey, hey! You win, you win, okay? I'm a bad person!
Hey, c'mon take it easy, will ya?
No, he's saying I'm a bad person and that I'm insensitive. He's saying I'm a shit.
He's not saying you're a shit!
Did they-did they mention the wife?!
No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?! Yeah! Oh hoo, yes, yes. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!
He was my ride home.
Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "What if I pushed him?"
Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.
Do you actually like haggis?
No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Ralph, this is Charlie.
Ralph It's really great to meet you.
Oh no, no. It's great to meet you. Yes, yes. I love you!
...I'm naked, aren't I?
John Johnson Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers were, at one time, guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me "Vicky".
I love Vicky.
Yeah, Vicky's the best.
Charlie, hand me the paper.
Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.
This newspaper contains facts. Look at this. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact!
Harriet, why don't you come with me. I have wonderful photographs when he was a wee baby.
And show her the picture of Charlie when he shit his pants at Niagra Falls.
Let me make you some breakfast.
Oh gee, you know, I-I'd love to but, you know, I'm really running late.
What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?
Well, that sounds great.
Sorry, I didn't have those other things.
You know Harriet.
Well, actually I don't.
But you did have sex with her.
Hello!
