W Woman
[inside Humberfloob's Real estate, a guy is shown moving the sanitizer boxes]
Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
Joan Walden
[people are chattering, Joan is talking on the phone.]
What do you mean you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave; they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02]
Mr. Hank Humberfloob
Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and ran away to their seats] Look alive, everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
JM Jim McFlinnigan
[a businessman shakes Humberfloob's hands, leaving everyone in shock]
Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired.
JM Jim McFlinnigan
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired.
JM Jim McFlinnigan
But I...
Mr. Humberfloob
[he screams in a very loud voice]
FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of hand sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
Joan
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob
Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture of Conrad and Sally] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause, he screams again in a very loud-toned voice] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]
Joan
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob
Great! [Joan leaves]
W Woman
Humberfloob Real Estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
Narrator
[Camera zooms onto the picture of Joan's kids and we see an aerial shot of the street]
If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborhood "Hey!".
Narrator
Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
[The camera smoothly glides forward, executing a tight zoom into the small circular door hole. The perspective shifts to reveal the sunlit interior of the living room and the upstairs, where a fluffy brown dog named Nevins is near the staircase, letting out sharp, rhythmic barks. Heavy, thumping footsteps echo from above as Conrad slowly descends the carpeted stairs, his bare, distinctly hairy black feet stepping down one by one into the frame while Nevins continues barking with high-energy intensity]
Conrad
Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
Sally
[The camera cuts to a crisp wide shot of the pristine living room moments later, tracking over to Sally, who meticulously tapping away on her digital tap pad with a focused, deadpan expression]
Today's to-do list: Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [In the background, Conrad stomps casually past the doorway toward the kitchen counters with an air of chaotic purpose] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [A loud clatter rings out as Conrad violently flips over a pair of glass bowls, dumping crisp green apples and stray food bits directly onto the counter top] What is he doing?
[The camera cuts to a chaotic montage inside the kitchen: Conrad sweeps his arm across the counter, knocking over a baked tray loaded with neat, flower-shaped cookies; he yanks out an entire wooden drawer, rummaging frantically through the clutter to locate a roll of clear tape while Nevins sits near the pantry, dropping his head and groaning softly; Conrad then yanks open the refrigerator door, snatches a cold bag of popcorn, and grabs a steaming hot bag right out of the glowing microwave]
Sally
Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
Conrad
[He marches grandly into the hallway and begins ascending the stairs, balancing a large glass bowl on his head with a worn teddy bear sitting on top, clutching two plastic-wrapped packs of white bread along with a six-pack of sponge cakes, while colorful pastel marshmallows are crammed over his elbows and bags of popcorn are securely strapped to both of his knees]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins lets out a sudden, high-pitched bark at the bottom of the landing] Nevins, your attention, please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
Sally
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Conrad
Relax, I'll put everything back. [He aggressively shoves two entire bags of bread directly into the waistband of his pants while Nevins turns and sprints away toward the front entry; he takes a massive, ungraceful bite of bread, talking loudly with his mouth completely stuffed] and now for the indoor stair luge!
Sally
"Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad
Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [He balances precariously atop a slick metal tray right at the edge of the top step as Nevins whines softly and flops her ears flat over her eyes; Conrad launches himself downward, screaming enthusiastically as the tray rattles at high speed down the wooden steps; outside, Joan pulls up into the driveway carrying a pristine dry-cleaned dress and bags of fresh groceries, letting out a horrified scream as Conrad burst through the front door at top speed like a human cannonball] YEAH! [The tray flies off the porch, sending Conrad crashing forcefully right into the side door of Joan's parked car]
Sally
[Looking past the shattered front entrance as Nevins darts frantically past her boots and out into the open front lawn]
Nevins? Nevins, come back!
Conrad
Hey, Mom, what's up?
Conrad
Mom, that guy's a total phoney; you can't let Larry-
Joan
[Interrupting]
It's Lawrence, Conrad. [hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer named Kate is shown holding the box]
K Kate
Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Joan
Oh hi. Where's Kate?
Joan
Oh. Right this way, Kate. [she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it]
Conrad
Mom, you've gotta listen to me-- [phone rings]
Joan
QUIET!
Sally
Two weeks ago, you said you would-- [Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate] I "specialed" it. see?
Joan
Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! [phone rings] Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
Mr. Humberfloob
This is Mr. Humberfloob.
Joan
Oh hi, Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob
Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
Joan
Today?
Mr. Humberfloob
Yes, Joan. No problem.
Joan
No problem at all.
Mr. Humberfloob
Great!
Sally
[as Joan hangs up the phone]
What's going on, Mommy?
Joan
Mommy has to go back to the Office. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit!
Conrad
Not Mrs. Kwan! [cut to the veiw of the door, It's a elder Taiwanese woman named Mrs. Kwan, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door]
Joan
Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
K Mrs. Kwan
[holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools]
Hi.
Joan
Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. [Mrs. Kwan yawns] Conrad's grounded, so no video games. [takes Conrad's gamepad away] Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.
Sally
Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
Joan
What about Denise, then?
Sally
She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.
Joan
And you don't like bossy?
Sally
I won't tolerate it.
Joan
Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".
Sally
Mommy, can't I have some rules?
Joan
[thinks for a moment]
No chewing tobacco.
Sally
Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
Joan
And absolutely, no one sets foot in the l living room or else...
Conrad
Or else what? You're going to do what Larry said and send me to military school?
Joan
Maybe if you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.
Conrad
I wish I had a different mom.
Joan
Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.
Joan
[So now, She walks outside and to the car]
Good luck with your meeting!
K Mrs. Kwan
[Larry blows a kiss for Joan as she leaves; Conrad and Sally look out the window. Larry starts to sneeze rapidly]
Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother! [Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, the TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting]
CA Conrad and Sally
Taiwanese Parliament.
K Mrs. Kwan
You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! [karate noises] Rip his heart out! [Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down] Hit me! [she then falls asleep]
Conrad
I think it came from the closet.
[The room sits in a heavy, suspenseful silence as Conrad and Sally freeze, exchanging a wide-eyed look of quiet dread. Bending forward slightly, they begin to inch across the hardwood floor toward the towering, shadowed closet door at the far end of the hallway. Every small step is deliberate, their bare feet moving in excruciating slowness to avoid making a single squeak. Conrad reaches the looming wooden panel first. His tremble-plagued hand tentatively extends outward, fingers slowly wrapping around the cold, metallic brass doorknob. He begins twisting it at a painfully sluggish pace; the internal mechanism clicks softly, implying the door is finally unlatched. Pushing it inward millimeter by millimeter, Conrad peeks his head around the frame, staring directly into the pitch-black abyss of the darkened closet. He takes a few silent, creeping steps inside, swallowed up by the heavy shadows. Suddenly, a chaotic commotion erupts inside the darkness, and Conrad lets out a blood-curdling, terrified scream as if grabbed by a unseen force.]
Sally
Conrad? Conrad? Come on, Conrad. Ah!
[A shadowy figure lunges out from the gloom as a fluffy, jet-black teddy bear plush comes hurtling through the air, smacking Sally directly in the center of her face with a soft thud. She stumbles back, clutching her nose, while Conrad emerges from the dark closet, bent over and howling with mischievous, wheezing laughter. Sally, scowling heavily, huffs and hands the black bear plush back to him with an irritated shove.]
Sally
You shouldn't scare people.
Conrad
[throws his bear casually back into the closet]
You should've seen the look on your face. You look like you saw a monster.
CA Conrad and Sally
[The camera abruptly cuts to a wide shot of the room where The Cat in the Hat has suddenly materialized out of thin air. Tall, towering, and sporting his iconic red-and-white striped stovepipe hat and white gloves, he stands leaning casually against the doorframe as if he has been standing there the entire time.]
Ahhhhh!
Cat
That could've gone better.
Sally
[Panic sets in instantly. Conrad and Sally burst into high-pitched screams, turning on their heels in unison and sprinting wildly back toward the dark closet as their quick-fix emergency shelter, wildly flailing their arms as they scramble over each other.]
What was that?
Conrad
I don't know; it looked like a humongous cat.
Cat
[A loud click echoes through the closet space as the Cat casually reaches up with a gloved hand and flips on the overhead incandescent light bulb, illuminating the cramped space in a harsh, bright yellow glow. He tilts his head down, towering over the kids with a smug, highly expressive grin.]
Humongous? I prefer the term "big boned" or "jolly". Now what are we hiding from?
Sally
[The Cat lets out a loud, theatrical chuckle. Conrad and Sally lose their minds entirely, shrieking in absolute terror. They burst out from the closet, scatter down the hallway in a blur of motion, scramble straight into Joan's bedroom, and dive headfirst under the bed, pressing their backs against the dust ruffles as they tremble frantically in the darkness.]
That was a giant cat!
Conrad
But that's impossible, isn't it?
Cat
[He hides under the bed with them.]
It's entirely impossible. You know, I like this hiding place a lot better; they'll never find us here. [pauses] Scream and run. [Conrad and Sally crawl out of Joan's bed screaming] And there they go.
Sally
Who are you?
Cat
Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"?..."key lime"?..."turpentine"? I got nothing. I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk; that should be enough for you people!
Sally
Where did you come from?
Cat
Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?
Cat
My place, what do you think?
Conrad
No, how did you get here?
Cat
I drove! Look, I've been here two whole minutes and no one has offered me a drink. Harumph!
Sally
Sorry Mr. Cat, would you like some milk?
Cat
Milk? Ecch! NO! Lactose Intolerant; gums up the works. You'll thank me later. [laughs as he uses the wooden board as a surfboard] Hello! Surf's up! [laughs and hoots until he puts the wooden board back] Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo of Joan] Who is this? [in a risque joke, his hat proceeds to lift off his head]
Conrad
That's my mom.
Cat
[Record scratch]
Awkward. Yeah. [his hat slumps back down; he puts the photo in his pouch] Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. [he laughs then sits down] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. [camera zooms out to reveal he is sitting on Mrs. Kwan while sleeping; he begins to bounce] WHO IS THIS DREADFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE WOMAN?!
Sally
Get off her. That's our babysitter.
Cat
[sits up]
What the? "Babysitter"? You don't need one of those, do ya? [picks up a hangar, then hangs a sleeping Mrs. Kwan on it, Conrad and Sally laugh] Lemme get this straight. You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. [hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet] I'd do it for nothing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Hmmm! [the two walk] Now, let's see what the old [holds up the Phunometer] Phunometer has to say.
Sally
"Phunometer"?
The Cat
Yeah, it just measures how you fun you are. [laughs, The Cat uses his phunometer on Sally as it reads "Control Freak"] Ah! Control Freak. [the phunometer gets off of Sally's forehead] Now you. [uses the phunometer on Conrad] Hi, how are ya? Oh! [the phunometer reads "Rule Breaker" then the "Bedwetter", he starts whimpering]
Conrad
Tap it.
Cat
Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer; it ain't gonna change. [wheezes as he puts away the phunometer] Just as I suspected, you guys are both outta whack. Mm-hmm. You're a control freak, and now you're a rule breaker. That'll be $700. [picks up a mini paper cutter with a check receipt] Who's your insurance carrier? Who's your insurance carrier? [slides the cutter part]
Conrad
So what do we do?
Cat
Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend, [pulls out a shot] One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecap. [Sprays a shot, making a little water come out of it] And the other... Involves a musical number! [does the trumpet while doing the musical number] ME-ME-ME-MEOW!!!
Sally
How many shots?
Cat
[wheezingly copies Sally]
"How many shots?" Aren't you precious?
Cat
[After signing a contract, and the two high-foured The Cat]
Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [he chuckles] What now?
Sally
Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
Conrad
She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.
Cat
And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!
C Catwrench
[puts on his name tag, but it is a mechanic-like Cat is seen]
Yee-Haw! Let's take a Look under the hood! [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker] Yeah. Just doing my job [farts] Sorry, what have we got here... [pulls out a tennis racket] Here we go... It's oversized. That's unusual. [pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter] Here it is. [An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! [takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk; it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Spray me, would you? Oh---
C Catwrench
[He gets caught by an elephant trunk, and it starts choking Catwrench, he starts punching him, and the elephant whimpers and after it whimpers]
Thanks for the help. [gets under the couch] Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic? You better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! [starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under] My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! [ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] That oughta do it! Whew!
Cat
[The couch then falls onto the floor, The Cat happily laughs and jumps on a couch, and jumps in another couch and then jumps on the couch again]
Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!
Sally
What about Mom's party?
Conrad
What about it? We signed the contract! [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]
Cat
One cushion left, Sally!
Conrad
She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
The Fish
Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you: "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
Joan
[Flashback shows Joan talking to Conrad and Sally] [In flashback with her voice slowed down]
Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...
Mr. Humberfloob
[Another flashback shows Mr. Humberfloob repeating...] [In flashback]
...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...
Fish
[End of flashback]
And that's why... [The Cat grabs him and he screams in shock, and gets thrown into the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
Conrad
[Then, Sally joins in with Conrad and The Cat]
This is amazing!
Sally
Like being in the circus!
The Cat
Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See, kids, I told you we could have fun.
Conrad
[The camera cuts to the door, Unbeknownst to The Cat, Conrad and Sally, Larry then opens the door, he is revealed to be wearing Yellow pants, a blue jean jacket, and a white tank top]
The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.
Larry
Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Sally
Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!
Larry
Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!
Sally
[Quinn lets out a loud, obnoxious bark of laughter, brushing past them with a swagger in his step as he struts into the kitchen. Conrad and Sally nervously glance left and right, frantically scanning the living room to locate the couch where The Cat had just been jumping moments before.]
Where's the cat?
Conrad
I don't know.
Larry
[Larry saunters back into the living room frame, balancing a cold, sweat-beaded bottle of beer in one hand and a giant piece of white bread in the other. He takes a massive, ungraceful bite and lets out a long, thunderous burp. Sally instantly recoils, making a dramatic face of absolute disgust.]
Good bread. What are you two looking at? [Without warning, The Cat launches himself off the furniture, flying high into the air with acrobatic precision. He hooks his gloved paws onto the ceiling trim and hangs upside down directly above Larry's head. The Cat aggressively begins scratching at his own fur, causing heavy clouds of loose cat hair to rain down straight onto Larry's face and shoulders. Larry immediately squints, his throat tightening as his allergies flare up wildly.] Is there a Cat in here? [continues sneezing] I'm gonna-- [Sneezes] You're gonna-- [Sneezes] I have to-- [Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again] Get out of here. [In a blind, sneezing panic, Larry stumbles sideways toward the front door, sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]
Cat
See, kids. I told you. Stick with me; it'll all work out. [Without warning, The Cat's nose twitches violently. His eyes cross, and he lets out a high-pitched, thunderous sneeze identical to Larry's. His grip completely fails, and he drops like a stone from the high ceiling, flailing his arms wildly and screaming at the top of his lungs. Lands on the floor and bounces.] Little-known fact: cats always land on their tushy!
Conrad
I thought they always landed on their feet.
Cat
Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!
A Announcer
Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...
CC Cheshire Cat
ME! Hello! [applause] Now...Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?
GI The Guy in the Sweater
I know I do. [laughs]
CC Cheshire Cat
[slides appliances off the counter]
Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...for the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Cupcake-a-what?
CC Cheshire Cat
[the crowd joins in]
CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?
CC Cheshire Cat
Anything!
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
CC Cheshire Cat
Yes, anything.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
CC Cheshire Cat
Anything.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Anything?
CC Cheshire Cat
[angrily turns to the guy in the sweater]
I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know why, a carton of eggs.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
[amazed]
What?!
CC Cheshire Cat
How about a pack of hot dogs?
GI The Guy in the Sweater
[laughing]
That's incredible!
CC Cheshire Cat
Why not some ketchup?
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Yes, why not?!
CC Cheshire Cat
How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close for the lid, and Bob's your flippin' uncle.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
What an astounding product! [laughs]
The Cat in the Hat
Oh yeah!
CC Cheshire Cat
Open for the drawer. [drawer open] Fill up the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close for the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!
CC Cheshire Cat
You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Now wait just a minute...
CC Cheshire Cat
And you're ugly, just like your mum.
GI The Guy in the Sweater
Did you just call my mother ugly?
CC Cheshire Cat
[furiously holds up a meat cutter]
OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU! [violently grunts as he accidentally cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]
Sally
Um, Cat... Your tail.
CC Cheshire Cat
What about it? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [shockingly sees his tail cut in half, then angrily curses] SON OF A BI--
Cat
[A loud and long bleep is heard, along with The Cat covering Conrad and Sally's ears, the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go for the "Hang in There, Baby!"]
Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue. I'm just saying we have a case. We'll talk later. Ixnay, ixnay.
Conrad
Cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?
Cat
Of course. That means they're almost done, Conrack.
Conrad
Conrad.
Cat
That's what I said, Condor.
Conrad
Cat!
Cat
Now, that's my name!
Cat
[The Cat opens up an umbrella to shield himself and the kids. The oven short-circuits, and purple cupcake frosting explodes out of the oven, making a mess.]
Yep. They're done!
Conrad
Oh, man!
T2 Thing 2
Don't belittle me.
Cat
Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears for the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
T2 Thing 2
And all of the above.
Cat
He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also except Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-Da! Or Ben.
T2 Thing 2
[chuckles]
"Ben".
Cat
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason, and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing; you wouldn't understand. [for the Things bickering] Okay, enough! You're quickly turning into one of my least favorite Things! [quickly closes the crate after Conrad foolishly opened it] Listen, Convex, you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad
Why not? It's just a crate.
Cat
This isn't just any ol' crate. It's for the Transdimensional Transportolator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad
But it says "Made in the Philippines".
Cat
Yes, but not this Philippines. Look. Now I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie. No opening for the crate. No looky, no touchy. Got it?
T1 Thing 1
Mekka-dekka we should settle our differences.
[The Cat holds up a crab-shaped lock, crawls and holds from the open handle at the crate]
Cat
[After heaving a bulky, inanimate mannequin that vaguely resembles the slumped-over form of Mrs. Kwan onto the wooden crate, the Cat dusting off his hands]
There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go, go, go! [The Cat, Conrad, and Sally dash out of the frame in a frantic hurry]
Larry
[The camera cuts to a cluttered apartment where Larry grunts, unbuckling his heavy back harness and tossing it aside before sinking heavily into a squeaky wooden rocking chair. With a groaning sigh, he pops out his false teeth and plops them into a glass cup with a loud clinking sound. A sharp, heavy knock echoes at his door]
Yeah! [Two burly Repomen unceremoniously push the door open and stride into the cramped apartment] What do you want now?
RG Repo Guy
[Thrusts an official paper directly into Lawrence's face with a flat expression]
Repo.
Larry
You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. [He frantically pulls a worn leather wallet from his pocket and pulls out a plastic card] If it's about that balance check, here, let me give you a credit card. It's expired. [Without a word, the Repo crew hoists the heavy television up and marches out the door; Larry trails behind them, staring out the open entryway in utter defeat]
Narrator
With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Larry strides over to the landline phone, dialing furiously; the camera cuts to Joan answering in her spotless office]
Joan
Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-
Larry
Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.
Joan
You're kidding.
Larry
Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
Joan
I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.
Larry
Uh-huh.
Joan
[Sighs deeply, leaning her forehead on her palm]
But I suppose it's something I should consider.
Larry
I'll get the dog; I'll be right over. [A continuous dial tone hums as Joan hangs up the receiver; back in his apartment, Larry thoughtfully picks at his exposed belly button with a deep groan]
Conrad
[The camera shifts to a sunlit suburban backyard, tracking the trio as they peer over a thick green hedge; across the lawn, Nevins trots near a small wooden doghouse where Frank the dog sits watching]
Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
Cat
[Conrad, Sally, and the Cat duck down low against the dirt; plucked violin strings begin echoing softly in a dramatic suspense fashion, until the camera pans down to reveal the Cat vigorously plucking his own long facial whiskers like a cello]
I thought the moment needed something.
Fish
[Pops his head out of his water-filled glass jar, flailing his fins wildly in total panic]
Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! [His voice cracks as he hyperventilates] I CAN'T GO! DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S [Gasping, flopping about stiffly like a dried-up fish] DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Conrad
Fish!
Fish
[Still flailing hysterically in the open air]
IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!
Cat
Would you like to go back in the toilet?
Fish
[Instantly stops panicking and snaps straight up]
On second thought, it was such a beautiful day. Why can't it spend time indoors?
Cat
Thank you! [The Fish dramatically gasps, squeezes his gills shut, and plunges safely back to the bottom of the glass jar]
Conrad
[Through the backyard fence, a noisy birthday party is under way; Nevins stands beneath a party table, yipping excitedly at a juicy hot dog sizzing on the grate]
There he is!
Sally
[The trio peer through the glass sliding door; inside, a man carefully sets a towering frosted birthday cake with glowing candles down on a long table surrounded by lively children, including a girl in a blue dress, a girl in a green dress, and a preteen boy]
Denise? Everybody I know is there. There's Ginny and Alan; how come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?
Conrad
Don't worry. Let's just get Nevins and go.
W Woman
Okay Kids, everyone outside!
Conrad
[A mob of screaming children bursts through the back patio doors; the Cat shrieks in terror as Conrad and Sally run into the safety of a leafy bush while Nevins leaps up and snatches the grilled hot dog right off the grill tray]
Cat, get down! They're gonna see you! Hide!
K Kids
[The kids swarm toward a large tree where a colorful piñata hangs; the camera tilts up to reveal the Cat strung up by a tight rope around his torso, dangling in mid-air right where the piñata should be]
Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! Pinata! [A child swings a plastic bat wildly, landing a solid strike right on the Cat's striped belly]
D Denise
Everybody join in! [The entire swarm of children begins pounding on the Cat with wooden and plastic bats] It's breaking!
DS Dumb Schweitzer
[Pushes through the crowd, dragging a heavy baseball bat across the grass]
Step out of my way.
Conrad
This cannot end well...
GA Ginny, Alan, Denise and the Children
Pinata! Pinata!
[The Cat nervously waves a white surrender flag back and forth until Dumb Schweitzer takes a massive golf-style swing, landing a crushing blow directly between the Cat's legs; the Cat's eyes widen in sheer agony as a high-pitched scream erupts from his mouth, abruptly shifting into a surreal dreamscape where he floats peacefully in a milkmaid dress on a wooden swing through a white field, swinging, and a white stallion is seen, while "Easy" plays in the background]
S Singer
Easy, Easy like Sunday mor-
Conrad
[The camera snaps back to reality with a sudden pop as the Cat lets out an ear-splitting, agonizing howl that shakes the leaves on the trees; Conrad and Sally wince, covering their ears tightly while the surrounding partygoers freeze in total silence, dropping their bats in horror as Nevins drops his stolen hot dog; the Cat finishes his scream and breaks into wild, unstable whooping]
I got an idea! [Reaches up into a rip in the real piñata overhead and scatters handfuls of wrapped candy across the grass] Candy!
B Both
[The children cheer madly and dive to the ground for the sweets; the Cat snarls in fury, dropping to the grass and grabbing a wooden bat to take revenge on an oblivious Dumb Schweitzer]
NO!
[Conrad and Sally tackle the Cat to the grass, wrestling over the bat while the oblivious kids continue scrambling happily for candy; down below, Nevins grabs the hot dog in his jaws and trots off into the tall grass. Meanwhile, back at the Walden house, the landline phone rings loudly; the knock-off mannequin balance gives out, sending Mrs. Kwan crashing off the wooden crate and tumbling onto the carpet]
K Mrs. Kwan
[Blurts out groggily from the floor]
I'd love to buy some.
Joan
Hello, Mrs. Kwan. It's Joan Walden. I just called to check on the kids. Are they okay?
K Mrs. Kwan
[Laughs merrily into the receiver]
Those aren't children; they're little angels. [In the background, Thing 1 and Thing 2 jump past wearing oversized Conrad and Sally outfits, cackling wildly as Mrs. Kwan chuckles softly]
Joan
That's sweet. Well, all right Mrs. Kwan, I'll be home as soon as I can. bye-bye.
Conrad
[Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]
Wow! That is so cool!
Cat
That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally
S-L-O-W?
Cat
Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad
Oh! You mean----
Cat
[cutting Conrad off]
D'OH! Quick, to the SLOW! [chortles as he, Conrad an Sally get in] Buckle up, kids. We're on a mission to get that dog, and we will not rest until we find and destroy it.
Conrad
RESCUE it!
Cat
Rescue it! Of course I meant rescue it. Whatever. Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW. That's backwards! It makes no sense. Look at you! Argh! Okay, here we go. GPS check. DVD/CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech. [chortles as he puts the fish on top] Siren!
Fish
What are you - what - Siren? [the jets shoot fire, screams]
Cat
LET'S GO!
Larry
[sing-song]
I'm sending Conrad away! [Nevins urinates on the taco] Oh! [looks at the taco, sniffs it, looking disgusted] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco! Wait 'till Joan gets a load of you!
Cat
There they are!
Fish
[points to the red light]
Red light, red light, red light, red light, red light, red light... RED LIGHT!!!!! [Conrad, Sally and the Cat scream as the S.L.O.W. starts turning, the Fish yelps and falls onto the seat] Someone else should drive!
Cat
Alright. You win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad
Are you serious?
Cat
I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad
This is awesome!
Sally
[the Cat wears a red cap upon his head, then pukes on the bag, Sally exclaims in disgust]
I want to drive.
Cat
I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad
Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
Cat
You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel, it is made of chains, The S.L.O.W. starts doing donuts and the Trio starts screaming]
Conrad
Cat! Where are the brakes?
Cat
I'll get them. [Gets the brakes and rips them off the vehicle] I think there's something wrong with your brakes. When's the last time you had them checked? [Chortles] Bad brake! [throws the Brakes out]
Fish
[After the S.L.O.W. gets destroyed] [Inside his water filled jar, he is okay]
I think I wet my jar.
Conrad
Can we do that again? [The Cat pulls out keys and starts the vehicle, but it is not working] Hey, there he is! [Larry laughs and drives into Humberfloob's Real Estate] Oh no! He's going into Mom's office! Come on, Cat!
Larry
You know, Nevins. When Joan finds out you escaped again, Conrad will be moving out, and I'll be moving in.
Conrad
We've gotta get Nevins and that lock back.
Sally
What are we going to do?
Cat
Don't worry, I have three plans. [opens a plan file, and the first one that says...] ...Plan A: Mess up a perfectly clean house. Done that... [flips through the first one and the second one saying...] ...Plan B: Cut your losses and ditch the kids. That could work.
Sally
What about that one?
Cat
[flips through a page and the third one was...]
...Plan C: Trick Mom's boyfriend over handing over Dog and Lock. [closes the Plan file] I don't know, I still like Plan B.
Cat
Okay, okay. Plan C. Look at you, Argh!
ZM Zumzimeroo Man
[Larry comes Walking down and sees the Cat, who is a hippie]
Excuse me, sir, I'd like you to sign my petition. Yeah.
Larry
Get out of my way, you hippie freak.
ZM Zumzimeroo Man
Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter of the flatulating, acid-spitting Zumzimeroo?
Larry
What will it take to get you out of my face?
ZM Zumzimeroo Man
Just sign my petition, [hands over the petition to Larry] with this large, oversized pen that requires two hands.
Larry
I see.
B Both
[The Cat turns on the pen]
Yes!
Larry
Will you hold my dog?
ZM Zumzimeroo Man
Okay, I have a problem with the word "dog". I don't use the "D" word perse 'cause I think it's really, really wrong. But I will happily hold your Canine-American. I'm not comfortable with that, really, yeah. [Larry hands over Nevins to Zumzimeroo Man, Singing] How much is that Canine-American in the window?
Larry
[sees the trio running off with Nevins while signing the Petition]
Hey, what the- COME BACK HERE! I'M ON TO YOU KIDS!
Cat
Nothing to see here. Come on, Kids!
Conrad
[They run to the portable house, The trio opens the door leading to something so Larry won't see them]
Come on! Let's go. Ah, get in! Get in!
Cat
Come on, Let's go! Get in! Hi! Hi! Get in! Get in!
Cat
[They enter a portable house, it is a dance party house, there were dancing people including some people with The Cat In The Hat hats and costumes, the trio slides down]
Look out below! Oh! Sorry, over there. Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey! [stops to a halt] Ohh! [Sees a woman dressed in a bikini dancing, he and her dance]
Larry
[enters the dance party house]
I GOT YOU!
Sally
Here he comes...
B Both
...CAT! [Larry starts pushing everyone out of his way, and The Cat searches through hats]
Cat
Where's my hat? Let's go! Ah! Ah! My tail! My tail!
Conrad
Come on, Cat!
Cat
I'm walking here!
L Lawrence
[They run away to the fountain]
Joan. Joan!
Sally
I think we lost him.
CL Crab Lock
[about to be put in Conrad's pocket]
NOT THE POCKET! NOT THE POCKET!
Conrad
We got the lock back. Now let's get home.
Cat
Relax, kid. I'm all over it. [looks at his hat] Hey.
Conrad
What's wrong?
Cat
This. This is not my hat. I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.
Sally
So?
Cat
[puts back his hat on]
So... Without my hat, I'm just your garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.
L Lawrence
Joan, your children are running around town like complete maniacs. [he and Joan are walking to the car] Yes, they are. With some weird, hairy man in a big hat. Joan, you're gonna believe everything I'm telling you once we get to your house, okay? Come on.
Cat
We're doomed!
Conrad
We're dead. This is all my fault. I'm such an idiot. Why do I always have to do the opposite of what I'm supposed to? Wait a second. That's it! The opposite! Hey, Things! Don't help us! Do not show up and help us get home right now!
T Thing
[The things pull up with Larry's car]
We're goin' on a road trip!
Conrad
Larry's car?
Cat
How'd you get so smart?
Larry
[elsewhere, Joan is driving the car and Larry is riding]
Look, Joan, they don't beat them every day. [the siren is heard]
Joan
Oh, great. [A police motorcycle parks on back of her car] I'm sorry, Officer. Was I Speeding?
T1 Thing 1
[dressed as a policeman, with sunglasses]
Mekka dekka license, appa registration. [Larry's car comes driving against Joan's car] Mekka dekka, you're one hot mama. [she gives Thing 1 the receipt]
Larry
Hey, that's my car. Joan, we better go right away!
Joan
[as Thing 1 eats the receipt and stuffs it in his mouth]
Please, let me handle this. I'm so sorry; I guess I was in a hurry to get home.
Larry
[gets out of Joan's car]
I'm not gonna let them get away with this! [Thing 2 lifts Thing 1 up yelling, Takes the motorcycle, chasing Cat, Conrad and Sally] MEET ME AT THE HOUSE!
Larry
[Inside the Walden residence, the Purple bubbles are everywhere, but the Giant bubble is let out, Cat parks Larry's Car, Conrad and Sally run to the door, but then stops them]
Not so fast, you little maggots! Ha-ha! Oh, you are so busted. Now get inside.
Conrad
Oh, you don't want to go in there. It's going to be a total-
Larry
Aah!
Conrad
What happened? What about the Mother of All Messes?
Sally
I don't know.
Larry
[sneezes]
Why am I sneezing?
Cat
[A white glove taps on Larry's shoulder.]
That'd be me. Boo! [laughs]
Larry
You're a giant... [sneezes, screams] Cat! [falls off the edge] Judas Priest! [lands on purple ocean]
[After the crate is locked, the house returns back to normal, the house returns back to normal, but suddenly falls apart, the stairs getting destroyed, the living room getting destroyed, the dining room getting destroyed, cut to outside the Waldens Residence, the house starts to rumble and the white faucet is seen, Larry starts screaming, he is now covered in purple goo, and groans, The house still falls apart much to the kids shock]
Cat
[jumping excitedly]
I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! I did it! [notices Sally and Conrad] Okay, we did it.
Sally
I don't think we did anything.
Conrad
[angrily scolds Cat]
The place is still a wreck. Cat, you said if we shut the crate, everything would be okay, but it's not. It's a complete disaster!
Cat
Well, what are you gonna do? [in a tennis outfit] Tennis, anyone? [swings a tennis racket, then opens his hat, pouring out red-and-white tennis balls; he sniffs one] Ooh...Love that new ball smell.
Conrad
[surprised]
Hey. Your hat. It's magic again?
Cat
Oops. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor, why don't you serve first?
Sally
You had your real hat this whole time?
Cat
Uh-yup. I planned the whole day. [wheezing laugh]
Conrad
What do you mean you planned the whole day? All of it?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Sally
The house getting trashed?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Conrad
Quinn taking Nevins?
Cat
Uh-yup.
Sally
Cutting off your tail?
Cat
Uh-nope. No. [a piece of the house falls behind him with a crash, startling him]
Conrad
You even knew I'd open the crate?
Cat
Why do ya think I made it my one rule? I knew you couldn't resist. Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles? [serves a ball, which shatters a window, a cat yowling is heard]
Sally
Cat, you said nothing bad would happen.
Conrad
Cat, you need to get out.
Cat
I don't know that game.
Conrad
It's not a game. None of this is a game.
Cat
[starts to become dejected]
But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.
Conrad
Look around, Cat; you were right. It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how. But you don't know when enough is enough. Now, GO!
Cat
[sadly]
Suzy...Cromwell...Please.
SA Sally and Conrad
[furiously pointing]
OUT! [heartbroken, the Cat turns to leave, but then comes back, about to say something, resulting the two kids pointing once more] OUT!
Fish
[Suddenly, another piece of the house falls, and the Cat finally walks out the door, away from the house. Conrad and Sally look around at the demolished house, devastated] [comes out of the jar]
Good riddance! Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but... [debris of the house falls over from behind Conrad and Sally] Like I said, not the time. [goes back into the jar]
Sally
[as she takes her coat off]
I'll get the mop and the bucket. Conrad, you might wanna get out of here until Mom has a chance to calm down.
Conrad
[sadly]
No, this was my fault. I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
Sally
I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
Conrad
[confused]
Really? Why?
Sally
Two reasons. One: The stairs are destroyed. Two... This is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
Conrad
[smiles in a satisfied way]
Thanks, Sally.
Sally
[smiles back]
By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
Conrad
Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school. [the front doorknob slowly turns] Well, here goes.
Cat
[Conrad and Sally watch as the front door opens, and the Cat in the Hat returns, riding a machine. He laughs as he re-enters the house on his machine, and Conrad and Sally stare in astonishment and smile.] [singing]
Bet you thought I'd gone, bet you felt a sting, bet you never thought I'd have another song to sing! But now that you've learned your lesson, allow me to blow your mind by reading to you the small print of the contract that you signed! [his song ends and goes back to speaking] Okay. Section 8, article 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chilli stain. Heh heh. It reads, "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate, the contract shall be null and void". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.
Cat
So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.
Cat
That's right! [wheezing laugh]
[Proceeds to clean the whole house during the Beatles remix song "Getting Better" by Smash Mouth in the background]
