W Woman
[inside Humberfloob's Real estate, a guy is shown moving the sanitizer boxes]
Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
[people are chattering, Joan is talking on the phone.]
What do you mean you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave; they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02]
Mr. Hank Humberfloob Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and ran away to their seats] Look alive, everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
JM Jim McFlinnigan
[a businessman shakes Humberfloob's hands, leaving everyone in shock]
Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob Fired.
JM Jim McFlinnigan
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob Fired.
JM Jim McFlinnigan
But I...
Mr. Humberfloob [he screams in a very loud voice]
FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of hand sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture of Conrad and Sally] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause, he screams again in a very loud-toned voice] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob Great! [Joan leaves]
W Woman
Humberfloob Real Estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
[Camera zooms onto the picture of Joan's kids and we see an aerial shot of the street]
If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborhood "Hey!".
Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
[The camera smoothly glides forward, executing a tight zoom into the small circular door hole. The perspective shifts to reveal the sunlit interior of the living room and the upstairs, where a fluffy brown dog named Nevins is near the staircase, letting out sharp, rhythmic barks. Heavy, thumping footsteps echo from above as Conrad slowly descends the carpeted stairs, his bare, distinctly hairy black feet stepping down one by one into the frame while Nevins continues barking with high-energy intensity]
Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
[The camera cuts to a crisp wide shot of the pristine living room moments later, tracking over to Sally, who meticulously tapping away on her digital tap pad with a focused, deadpan expression]
Today's to-do list: Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [In the background, Conrad stomps casually past the doorway toward the kitchen counters with an air of chaotic purpose] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [A loud clatter rings out as Conrad violently flips over a pair of glass bowls, dumping crisp green apples and stray food bits directly onto the counter top] What is he doing?
[The camera cuts to a chaotic montage inside the kitchen: Conrad sweeps his arm across the counter, knocking over a baked tray loaded with neat, flower-shaped cookies; he yanks out an entire wooden drawer, rummaging frantically through the clutter to locate a roll of clear tape while Nevins sits near the pantry, dropping his head and groaning softly; Conrad then yanks open the refrigerator door, snatches a cold bag of popcorn, and grabs a steaming hot bag right out of the glowing microwave]
Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
[He marches grandly into the hallway and begins ascending the stairs, balancing a large glass bowl on his head with a worn teddy bear sitting on top, clutching two plastic-wrapped packs of white bread along with a six-pack of sponge cakes, while colorful pastel marshmallows are crammed over his elbows and bags of popcorn are securely strapped to both of his knees]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins lets out a sudden, high-pitched bark at the bottom of the landing] Nevins, your attention, please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Relax, I'll put everything back. [He aggressively shoves two entire bags of bread directly into the waistband of his pants while Nevins turns and sprints away toward the front entry; he takes a massive, ungraceful bite of bread, talking loudly with his mouth completely stuffed] and now for the indoor stair luge!
"Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [He balances precariously atop a slick metal tray right at the edge of the top step as Nevins whines softly and flops her ears flat over her eyes; Conrad launches himself downward, screaming enthusiastically as the tray rattles at high speed down the wooden steps; outside, Joan pulls up into the driveway carrying a pristine dry-cleaned dress and bags of fresh groceries, letting out a horrified scream as Conrad burst through the front door at top speed like a human cannonball] YEAH! [The tray flies off the porch, sending Conrad crashing forcefully right into the side door of Joan's parked car]
[Looking past the shattered front entrance as Nevins darts frantically past her boots and out into the open front lawn]
Nevins? Nevins, come back!
Mom, that guy's a total phoney; you can't let Larry-
[Interrupting]
It's Lawrence, Conrad. [hears the doorbell ring, opens the door and a caterer named Kate is shown holding the box]
K Kate
Kate's Catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
Oh. Right this way, Kate. [she and Kate walk, and has a tray full of sweets in it]
Mom, you've gotta listen to me-- [phone rings]
Two weeks ago, you said you would-- [Joan screams and sees Nevins eating chocolate] I "specialed" it. see?
Quiet, Nevins. I SAID QUIET! [phone rings] Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no place like Joan.
Mr. Humberfloob This is Mr. Humberfloob.
Mr. Humberfloob Joan, I need you to come back to the office.
Mr. Humberfloob Yes, Joan. No problem.
Mr. Humberfloob Great!
[as Joan hangs up the phone]
What's going on, Mommy?
Mommy has to go back to the Office. Oh! I hope Mrs. Kwan can babysit!
Not Mrs. Kwan! [cut to the veiw of the door, It's a elder Taiwanese woman named Mrs. Kwan, the doorbell rings as Mrs. Joan opens the door]
K Mrs. Kwan
[holding a bag containing a ball of yarn and knitting tools]
Hi.
Oh, I'm running late, thanks for babysitting such for a different notice. I'll be back in a couple of hours. [Mrs. Kwan yawns] Conrad's grounded, so no video games. [takes Conrad's gamepad away] Sally, last chance, if you want to make cupcakes, I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.
Ginny's not my friend anymore. Last time we made cupcakes, she wanted me to be the head chef. I'm the head chef.
She talked back to me, so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.
And you don't like bossy?
Alright. Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules... Conrad: No playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone "city morgue".
Mommy, can't I have some rules?
[thinks for a moment]
No chewing tobacco.
Thanks, Mom. You have my word.
And absolutely, no one sets foot in the l living room or else...
Or else what? You're going to do what Larry said and send me to military school?
Maybe if you would just behave, I wouldn't have to consider Military school. I wish I could trust you.
I wish I had a different mom.
Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.
[So now, She walks outside and to the car]
Good luck with your meeting!
K Mrs. Kwan
[Larry blows a kiss for Joan as she leaves; Conrad and Sally look out the window. Larry starts to sneeze rapidly]
Children, would you like to watch TV with me? We don't have to tell your mother! [Turns on the TV while the two walk over to the couch. However, the TV shows Taiwanese Parliament members fighting]
CA Conrad and Sally
Taiwanese Parliament.
K Mrs. Kwan
You tell them, Kwi-Chang! No more big Government! [karate noises] Rip his heart out! [Conrad and Sally walk to the chair and sit, Nevins yawns and lies down] Hit me! [she then falls asleep]
[After signing a contract, and the two high-foured The Cat]
Let's get this party started! Uh-huh! Hey, check out this room! [he chuckles] What now?
Mom says we're not allowed in the living room today, or else.
She's worried we'll mess up the couches by jumping on them or something.
And she's right, you can't jump on these. Not like this... They need some adjustment!
C Catwrench
[puts on his name tag, but it is a mechanic-like Cat is seen]
Yee-Haw! Let's take a Look under the hood! [Spits and searches the couch for things like a truck lifter and a tennis racker] Yeah. Just doing my job [farts] Sorry, what have we got here... [pulls out a tennis racket] Here we go... It's oversized. That's unusual. [pulls out a Red heavy truck lifter] Here it is. [An elephant trunk comes out of the couch trumpeting] Down, Simba! Down, Simba! Get outta here! [takes the tennis racket and hits the elephant trunk; it sprays water at him and continues trumpeting] Spray me, would you? Oh---
C Catwrench
[He gets caught by an elephant trunk, and it starts choking Catwrench, he starts punching him, and the elephant whimpers and after it whimpers]
Thanks for the help. [gets under the couch] Back in a second. Who's your couch mechanic? You better call Mr. Catwrench... Owww! [starts fixing the couch, as more sparks come out from under] My Fur! MY FUR! MY FUR! [ends up getting sucked up under the couch, and then comes back from the under] That oughta do it! Whew!
[The couch then falls onto the floor, The Cat happily laughs and jumps on a couch, and jumps in another couch and then jumps on the couch again]
Come on, Kids! I could use a little company!
What about it? We signed the contract! [joins in jumping in the couch with the Cat]
She'll never do it. She doesn't know how to have fun.
Fun? Sally, you're better than fun. Fun is beneath you. Remember what your mother told you: "No one sets foot in the living room." You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.
[Flashback shows Joan talking to Conrad and Sally] [In flashback with her voice slowed down]
Absolutely, no one sets foot in the living room or else...
Mr. Humberfloob [Another flashback shows Mr. Humberfloob repeating...] [In flashback]
...You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, [Deep breath, and then he continues] fired, fired, fired...
[End of flashback]
And that's why... [The Cat grabs him and he screams in shock, and gets thrown into the toilet] This is where they buried my brother!
[Then, Sally joins in with Conrad and The Cat]
This is amazing!
Like being in the circus!
Yeah, but without those tortured animals and drunken clowns that have hepatitis. See, kids, I told you we could have fun.
[The camera cuts to the door, Unbeknownst to The Cat, Conrad and Sally, Larry then opens the door, he is revealed to be wearing Yellow pants, a blue jean jacket, and a white tank top]
The best thing is, no one will ever... Know.
Judas priest! I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Oh, Mr. Quinn, I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch. Bad, Conrad, bad!
Sally. Baby, angel, princess, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, okay? NOBODY LIKES A SUCK-UP!
[Quinn lets out a loud, obnoxious bark of laughter, brushing past them with a swagger in his step as he struts into the kitchen. Conrad and Sally nervously glance left and right, frantically scanning the living room to locate the couch where The Cat had just been jumping moments before.]
Where's the cat?
[Larry saunters back into the living room frame, balancing a cold, sweat-beaded bottle of beer in one hand and a giant piece of white bread in the other. He takes a massive, ungraceful bite and lets out a long, thunderous burp. Sally instantly recoils, making a dramatic face of absolute disgust.]
Good bread. What are you two looking at? [Without warning, The Cat launches himself off the furniture, flying high into the air with acrobatic precision. He hooks his gloved paws onto the ceiling trim and hangs upside down directly above Larry's head. The Cat aggressively begins scratching at his own fur, causing heavy clouds of loose cat hair to rain down straight onto Larry's face and shoulders. Larry immediately squints, his throat tightening as his allergies flare up wildly.] Is there a Cat in here? [continues sneezing] I'm gonna-- [Sneezes] You're gonna-- [Sneezes] I have to-- [Sneezes and then walks to the door, Unfortunately, for his misfortune, He Sneezes again] Get out of here. [In a blind, sneezing panic, Larry stumbles sideways toward the front door, sneezes twice and then he leaves the house, The two laugh]
See, kids. I told you. Stick with me; it'll all work out. [Without warning, The Cat's nose twitches violently. His eyes cross, and he lets out a high-pitched, thunderous sneeze identical to Larry's. His grip completely fails, and he drops like a stone from the high ceiling, flailing his arms wildly and screaming at the top of his lungs. Lands on the floor and bounces.] Little-known fact: cats always land on their tushy!
I thought they always landed on their feet.
Oh, sure, now you tell me. Harumph!
